Spam celebrates its 30th Birthday at the Kentucky Derby
Hard to believe, but it’s been 30 years since the first piece of shit email, better known as Spam was sent out. To celebrate the occasion, Spam treated itself to a day at the races partying it up at the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby. Appearing on the red carpet already wasted on Mint Juleps, Spam was quick to remind guests what a D-Bag it really is.
“Yo, Yo Hef-Baby!” Spam shouted at Hugh Hefner who appeared with a gaggle of girlfriends. “Hef I’ll turn your old pruney dick into a revived large love tool! Just click here and I’ll hook you up!” blathered Spam pointed at its nether regions.
Unfortunately, the crass Spam had only gotten started.
A little Spam history if you’re unfamiliar with it. The first recognizable email marketing message was sent on May 3rd 1978 to 400 people on behalf of DEC—a now-defunct computer-maker. The message was sent via Arpanet—the internet but on a black screen with green type and no LOL Cats. Now billions of spam messages are sent every week hyping everything from boner pills to flat screen TV’s to scams trying to get people to send money over seas.
“Fatone, Wasssup? Joey Fatone,” blurted Spam. “I can get you .50 per pill %RND_WORD!”
“Word?” said the dopey Fatone. “Word!” said Spam and you’ll enjoy our super summer discounts and be able to eat smaller meals.”
“Fo’ Reals?” Fatone replied. “Real Fast,” said Spam “Urgentemente! Aviso de seguridad!” Luckily at this point J-Fats busty date pulled him away before the checkbook came out. Unfortunately others weren’t as lucky. Spam managed to convince Hills (actor?) Spencer Pratt to leave Heidi Montag and watch “STEAMY HOT LESBIAN ACTION LIVE ON CAMERA!”
Relic Joe Piscopo was enticed to go for a “F R E E* 30 Second Pre-Qualification MORTGAGE Application.” And the saddest case of all was when past his due-date American Idol winner Taylor Hicks had his ID stolen when Spam lured him into submission by saying that he’d been “sent an Insta-Kiss!”
It was at this point that Derby officials deleted Spam’s VIP access card and banished it to the infield where it spent the day doing beer bongs and convincing drunk masses to buy property in Ecuador.
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