Pitt-yful
I kinda hope my mom isn’t reading this one.
HOW DOES JULIETTE LEWIS FEEL ABOUT BRAD PITT?
After playing a rockin’ set with her band at club Chop Suey in Seattle, sexpot actress/singer JULIETTE LEWIS – who was hot ’n’ heavy with hunky BRAD PITT back in the Stoned Age – was mingling at the bar when a wiseguy fan blurted: “Hey, Juliette, how was Brad Pitt in the sack, anyway?” Stunned for a second, she flashed a mischievous grin and purred: “He was no…BIG deal, if ya know what I mean!” As Juliette turned to head back on stage, the guy yelled: “Are you saying Brad was the PITTS?” Juliette started laughing so hysterically she banged into a table and sent everyone’s drinks flying – but quickly ordered a round on her and hopped back onstage, still giggling.
Even though I do think Juliette Lewis is a little bit batshit crazy, I don’t really think this is true, at least not as it was written above, and not just because I read it in the National Enquirer. I mostly think it is not true because that dialogue sounds like it was written by someone in my sophomore year playwriting class, and let me tell you, no one in that class (including me) was going to write the next Angels in America or Waiting for Godot. (I personally tried to write a play based on a Stephen King story that involved people disappearing into thin air, and I payed absolutely no attention to how one would manage the stage direction on something like that. Trap doors?) But I digress. The puns in that story are absolutely horrible, as bad as he one I used in the title of this entry, and I don’t believe that real people actually speak that way, especially drunk people frequenting loud bars where Juliette Lewis’ band is playing. Does her band even have a name? (Wikipediatells me that her band is called Juliette and the Licks. Well, of course it is. Sheesh.)
Other reasons this story is bullshit? One, I think Juliette Lewis has too many other things going on in her crazy mind to still be thinking about her long-ago ex-boyfriend’s penis. Also, her public persona makes her seem so nuttified that I somehow doubt she even remembers dating Brad Pitt at all, let alone if he was, uh, wang-challenged. But if this is true, and she did say this, and he does have a small weiner, I sure do hope that Juliette and the Licks totally write a song about it. Or maybe a screenplay, where people (and weiners) totally disappear for no reason.
Juliette Lewis, Brad Pitt, National Enquirer
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