Trashy Celebs

In perhaps the only truly funny moment of last night’s fairly weak Saturday Night Live, Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers use their very last “Really?!?” segment to go after Gov. Rod Blagojevic. Dig it.

I read this piece of news and I wondered if suddenly the interwebs were only reporting news from twenty years ago. But no, this is recent! Everyone’s favorite Golden Girl (c’mon, you know Dorothy Zbornak was your favorite) Bea Arthur was inducted into the TV Academy Hall of Fame this week. Just this week! 2008! C’mon, TV Academy, what the hell took you so long? This woman has had a television career spanning over 50 years and a theatre career that is even longer. She was on an episode of the TV classic Circus of the Stars (and let me tell you, I wish the networks could come up with a way of remaking that show in a way that wouldn’t suck, but you know that is in no way possible. That, and Battle of the Network Stars which has to have been some of TV’s finest hours. But I digress. But before I stop digressing, check out that photo above. I think Ms. Arthur and Mr. Norman Lear will be doing some celebrating tonight, if you know what I mean, and I think you do!)

Now I know it says in the article linked above that the Academy approached Ms. Arthur five years ago and asked her about being inducted then, but she declined, saying there were people more talented than her deserving of the honor. ACADEMY! You should not have let her get away with this crap, because not only is Dorthy Z. a great entertainer, she is humble as well. You shouldn’t have even asked, you should have just invited her to a “Golden Girls reunion event” and then surprised her with the prize. She’s a tough old broad, she could have handled it. Keep in mind, this was a woman so dedicated to entertainment that she agreed to sing in the Star Wars Holiday Special. That is dedication people. Or a raging coke habit.

Bored with his princely duties of doing prince-stuff like attending royal things and wearing National Socialist German Workers’ Party garb to social events, ginger-fox Prince Harry has decided to throw his crown into the acting ring. First up for the prince is a staring role in a remake of the 1985 classic Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment.

The plot goes something like this. Carey Mahoney and his fellow misfit cops, the nerdy guy, the guy who makes funny noises, the crazy ex-military guy and the short black lady with the tiny voice until she yells “don’t move dirt bag” have now graduated from the police academy, and are ready to start going after real criminals. Their assigned precinct just happens to have the city’s highest crime rate, and is under the command of a bumbling Captain. Hijinkes ensue when a local gang of hooligans and their leader, Zed (originally portrayed by that guy who yell-mumbled through Police Academy sequels and Whoopi Goldberg movies - Bobcat Goldthwait) take over the town.

It’s up to Mahoney and his fellow graduates to save the day but they’ll have to get through Mauser, a lieutenant at the precinct, who doesn’t want to see them succeed. 90 minutes and countless masturbation and gay jokes later, Mahoney and his friends plot an appropriate revenge on Mauser while they go after Zed and his gang. Oh and the short black lady yells, “don’t move dirt bag.”

No word on when shooting takes place but as this photo shows, there was an open casting call in London yesterday for the role of Zed along with a few supporting roles.

Oh Lordy. OH LORDY. Everyone’s favorite bisexual reality TV attention whore is looking for another Shot At Love …. parental love that is. Tila Tequila is looking to adopt a child and I am just wondering if some douchebag executive at MTV is trying to figure out a way to make that into another MTV reality show … A Shot At Dysfunction with Tila Tequila, anyone? What the hell?

In the article linked above Tila even admits she isn’t all that great at taking care of other living things. She had to give her dog away because the dog “didn’t like to travel.” And I’ve always said that raising a dog is the best way to test your readiness to have a kid. Tila, babies don’t always like to travel either. Just because they make those baby backpacks and car seats and pack n’ plays and the like, that doesn’t mean that your baby can’t wait to rack up the frequent flier miles. Those things are for the necessity of occasional travel with a baby … like to doctors appointments and baby yoga and Mommy and Me classes. (And as a side note MTV producers: I do not want to see any Shot at Love with Tila Tequila set in Mommy and Me classes, got it? Put those Blackberrys down.)

Whatever. I don’t know Tila Tequila and in her private life she might just be a very responsible loving parent and would raise a flock of very happy, well adjusted kids. But all I know of her (and all she has presented) is her public persona and well, I wouldn’t let that person adopt a fern.

We’re surprised it’s Stamos who’s behind this but the cast of the sitcom Full House will be reuniting. (We use the word sitcom loosely, to put both 30 Rock and Full House in the same category is just wrong). Apparently the same cast, will be included, the show will just take place years later. We should hope so because no one wants to see the Olsen twins in diapers anymore…well anymore than usual.

Says evangelical hottie Candace Cameron-Bure, “John has been working on a semi-remake of “Full House … I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women.”

So we wonder if this will reflect real life events where Stephanie is a twice-divorced meth-head, and DJ is a born-again Christian?

Full house which ran from 1987 to 1995 also included the mullety goodness of members Bob Saget, John Stamos, and Davie Coulier. (maybe Alanis Morissette can make an appearance as Coulier’s jilted ex lover).

I think even as a kid I knew that Full House was kind of a Three Men and a Baby rip-off which was already of rip off of a French movie Trois hommes et un couffin (Three Men and a Cradle). But I gotta say that much of a train wreck would totally make me Jizz in my Pants.

And yes, while this entry is totally true it also did serve as a nice set-up so I could post the Jizz in my Pants video. SNL digital shorts just keep the funny rolling.

And isn’t that just a little weird? It’s a little weird for me, anyway. I mean, my mom has heard of Jackass and knows my fondness for the show and the movies (and I believe my sister and I have shown her a clip or two) but I’m doubtful that she knows who Steve-O is, as his segments are the type that I generally would filter out. I mean, he has been know to perform some of the stranger/more disturbing stunts on the show, that frequently involve poo or vomit. And I would never, ever expose Amy’s grandma to a show like Jackass because she is a very sweet and respectable lady, and she likes me and I don’t want that to change.

So why are they going to know who Steve-O is? Well the rumor floating about lately is that Steve-O has made a verbal commitment to appear on Dancing With the Stars, a show that both my mom and Amy’s grandma are known to be fond of. In fact, my sister has had to remind me on more than one occasion not to call my mom on Monday nights and interrupt her watching the show. And now I have no way of timing things just right to call her and interrupt the show so she won’t witness him snorting wasabe and vomiting into his plate or stapling his own scrotum to his thigh. ABC, what in the world are you thinking? Do you even have insurance to cover this?

What a stunner! The Enquirer is making more shit up, or I suppose, in this case, is twisting a story a bit and adding some unnecessary emphasis for create a story that … no one really gives a crap about. But aren’t most stories in the National Enquirer stuff that no one gives a crap about, yet that we all feel compelled to ready about anyway? Yeah, that’s what I thought. But here’s the one that caught my eye tonight.

Brad Pitt’s OUT-rageous dig at Gorgeous George!

Mr. Jolie-Pitt was taping an interview via satellite with Ellen DeGeneres when Brad, ever the trickster, told the chat host how to woo his multiple Ocean’s costar.

“We’ve tried everything,” Ellen D explained her attempts to “Catch Clooney” which she initiated since relocating her studio near the stars palatial office.

“We’ve sent Victoria’s Secret models over. We’ve sent Miss America over. We’ve sent Kate Hudson over. We’ve sent gifts. We decorated his bungalow for Halloween. I don’t know what more we can do,” she kvetched to Brad over the satellite feed.

“Get a bunch of Chippendales. He’s yours,” Brad revealed with more than a twinkle in his eye. “Three, four - no less than three! Make one a blonde!”

“We’re going to do it and we’re going to say it’s from you!” Ellen promised,

George hasn’t responded as of yet but rumors swirl he’s fuming over pal Brad’s sly dig.

Hopefully, the two won’t get all fight club-by over this and kiss and make up under some mistletoe. After all, it is Christmas time and time to “don we now our gay apparel.”

Ooooh! Oooh! Brad Pitt went on TV and told everyone that watches the Ellen show that George Clooney likes to look at (blond) Chippendale dancers. For those of you that are not familiar with the Chippendale dancers, they are hot buff men who wear tight pants and bow ties with no shirts. And ooooh! This made George Clooney get angry!!!

Come on, National Enquirer. That was a lame and stupid way to get a laugh out of a gay reference. What follows is an actual funny way to get a laugh out of a gay reference. Oddly enough, it starts Clooney and Pitt. Watch and learn.

What is it about smelly celebrities that fascinates the entertainment media so much? I mean, I guess it has something to do with how the media likes to on one had make celebrities out as superhuman and better than the rest of us mere smelly mortals and then on the other hand, likes to knock those celebrities right off the pedestal they put them on in the first place. Brad Pitt is gorgeous and a nice guy and does a lot for charity! Oh, and he smells! Zack Efron is a super cute teen idol and in the most successful Disney franchise! He also doesn’t wash up after he plays basketball!

And the Pretty Woman herself, Julia Roberts? Apparently the ubiquitous “former employee” is reporting that the actress and mother of three frequently goes “long periods” without taking a shower. ZOMG! A celebrity that stinks! That makes me feel so much better about myself! Sheesh. Next the media will be telling us which celebrities have smelly dogs, cars that smell like french fries, breath that smells like coffee and cigarettes, and shoes that smell like expensive cheese.

So it’s the middle of the workday in the middle of the week. At least it’s not Monday right? All the stress and awkwardness of the Thanksgiving holiday has probably lulled you into a non-tryptophan inspired blank stare as you trudge through your day, trying to remember if you’ve gave your mother-in-law that funny yet sentimental kitten needle point three-Christmases ago because it just happens to be 35% off on Amazon if you buy it bundled with Josh Groban’s holiday CD. No? Just me?

Well anyway, just to make sure your tolerance for mild to medium irritation hasn’t been lowered, check out the below clip of Richard Simmons prepping Macy’s employees for black Friday. I’m really surprised the people in the video didn’t prepare and deliver Simmons to black and blue Saturday.

Fresh off the news that he’ll be contributing to the soundtrack of the upcoming Notorious B.I.G. biopick, Kanye West spewed some R.I.Diculous crap. While singing praises about Beyoncé Knowles, West said “she is just as great, if not greater, than artists we had in the past…she’s probably greater than Tina Turner.”

Kanye went further by calling Beyoncé a legend: “Nobody really wants to recognize that Beyoncé is a fucking living legend.” Uhh, exqueese me? Tina F’in Turner? Dude, this is really ill-timed because we saw some pics online today of the 69 year-old original Private Dancer and she is way fiercer than Ms. Sasha Fierce (the title of Beyoncé’s new album for those of you who don’t know. C’mon keep up.)

Check out Ms. Turner performing at Madison Square Garden on Monday night. Damn! She broke out the Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome outfit and can put an young drag queen to shame.

We just wish she would have chosen to come back to her hometown of St. Louis on this tour because we’d so see her over Beyoncé any day.

Nothing all that trashy about this clip. Anderson Cooper suits up and swims a lap with Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps. They are both a couple of cuties and it looks like after this was shot they played some water volleyball or maybe a rousing game of Marco Polo. Marco? Polo!

In slightly more trashy Michael Phelps news, the swimmer apparently took his new girlfriend home to Baltimore this past Thanksgiving to meet the family. What’s trashy about that? Well, nothing, unless you consider that she is a cocktail waitress and topless model that he met while improving his poker game in Las Vegas. Again, not really all that trashy …. I mean, someone has to serve the drinks and pose for naked pictures, right? But having a cocktail waitress girlfriend just seems to go way against the clean cut all-American image Mr. Phelps seems to have developed. Or perhaps that the media has developed for him. I mean, maybe his goal all along was to win the World Series of Poker and date a girl with lots of tattoos and the whole Olympic athlete thing was just a means to an end. Could be. Or maybe his guest cameo on the season finale of Entourage somehow affected his douchyness filter. (And for the record, I do not watch Entourage on purpose. Trashy Talker Amy does — DVRs it, even — and sometimes I am just in the same room when it is on.)

But whatever, I’m sure not as many people care now about who the Human Fish is dating now as cared a few months back. In another few months it will be “Michael Who?” until four years from now at the next Olympic games. Until then, why shouldn’t he do everything he can to stay in the media. Or do be a slightly douchy but rich young man in his early 20s. Party on, Phelps.

…. because someone has finally managed to shut Ann Coulter the hell up! Yes, America’s un-favorite super ultra right-wing gasbag has her jaw wired shut! Hear that? Yes, sweet, sweet silence.

Oh I so do wish a picture of this existed, but instead we can only imagine Coulter getting more and more frustrated as she can’t rant and rave her crazy bullshit (especially as the more liberal government is beginning to take control). Her face getting all red, her eyes bugging out of her flat little head, and her thumbs cramping from frantically trying to type everything she can’t say into her Blackberry. Or maybe she started a blog “Ann Coulter’s Wired Jaw” on blogspot and is sitting around in her pajamas with her hair all ratty trying to pretend she will be the next Ariana Huffington (except with more offensive statements.)

Whatever. Maybe she is taking a vacation on a beach somewhere and will find her heart washed up on the sand. Maybe a few days in the sun and evenings on the beach will chill her out, and she’ll reappear in a few weeks, to squeak out an “sorry for being such a buttcrack.” Hey, the holidays are coming, so why not add that to my Amazon wish list.

Is Angelina Jolie addicted to having children? She and partner Brad Pitt have six kids (the most recent being twins born a few months ago) and U.S. Magazine is now reporting that she is pregnant with their seventh. WOWZA, CRAZY MOMMA WOMAN. Do you really want to have seven kids all under the age of eight? Granted, you and your partner are crazy-ass rich and can afford to hire a staff for each one of those kids to help out. But still, seven kids under the age of eight! Seven! Kids! God! Damn! I thought my cousin was nuts when she had three kids under the age of five. Of course, they are all now wonderful, smart football playing teenagers, so it all worked out for her. Maybe Jolie and Pitt are just aiming to field a baseball team.

Me-Wow! Thanks to consumer focus groups and some really good weed, the folks at the Game Show Network and Meow Mix (Purina when I was freelancing for you why wasn’t I a consultant on this?) have put together “Think Like a Cat.” This new game show, hosted by never aging Chuck Woolery, is the only place on TV where owners are quizzed about how well they know their cats. In the first of many, many, MANY puns on this show, the “catestants” are quizzed on general feline knowledge — covering topics such as nutrition, behavior, anatomy and the role of cats in pop culture — as well as interactive challenges where cats and pet parents must work together to be successful.

The shitter on this is people are competing for a million dollars. A million FUCKING dollars. Damn! Those bitches on Survivor have to starve, backstab and make complete butt wads of themselves on television for that kind of dough.

According to the Meow Mix website, the pool of 1,200 auditioning teams was narrowed down to eight. These eight teams compete in challenges like “The Fast and the Furriest” and “Are You as Smart as a Cat” to determine who emerges as “Pick of the Litter.” - MORE PUNS!

In the end, the team with the most points will have the opportunity for a chance to win $1 million — as well as $100,000 for a feline-related charity in their community. Even if the team doesn’t hit the million-dollar jackpot, the winning team takes home $25,000 — plus $2,500 will be donated to their local feline charity.

OK, we do like the charity part but if it were our cats, this game would be pretty simple. Thoughts would be along the lines of “It’s cold therefore I’ll pretend I like you. If I had opposable thumbs I’d be able to get treats myself, therefore I’d eat your eyeballs while you slept.” and “Vomiting on the rug you just cleaned is my own special way of saying I love you.”

Need to skank your place up a bit? Going for a porn star them with your current redecorating projects? Looking for a truly unique gift for the porn fan in your life? Well hop on over to ebay then, and make a bid on Jena Jameson’s silk Armani couch. A bargain at $9,500 (and free shipping!)

I guess anyone who doesn’t keep his or her couch covered in those grandma-plastic things has a couch that is potentially dirty. I mean, the couch I am sitting on right now is covered in dog and cat hair, and has had anything from coffee to beer spilled on it. Not to mention it lately has seemed to be the place the dog has chosen to vomit over the past few months. Put poor Jenna Jameson may have trouble selling her fancy Armani couch just because of all the inevitable body fluid jokes. But hey, if that couch doesn’t sell on ebay, Jenna can always list it on the “free” section of Craigslist.