Trashy Celebs

So every year I watch the Academy Awards, and every year when they are over I wonder why I bother. But this year I decided to find a reason to watch … and this year was for the fashion! Why? Because I don’t care about fashion. My nicest clothes came from Eddie Bauer. I only know about Prada from that movie with Meryl Streep and I thought Dolce and Gabbana was some sort of cheese. Here’s my thoughts on Oscar fashion!

Let’s start with Ellen Degeneres, the host:

I admire her for wearing what she likes and not caving to pressure to wear an evening gown. (I remember she did that years ago — I think when she hosted the Grammy Awards — and thinking she looked more awkward than me at my Junior Prom.) But her first suit? Red velvet? At first I thought it was just the jacket and I though it was kind of cool, but then I realized it was the pants too! And you can’t see them in this picture, but she was wearing shiny white shoes as well. (Think of the shoes featured in National Lampoon’s Vacation.) What the F, Ellen?

Next we have Cameron Diaz:

What the hell sort of dress is that? It looks like the curtains from her room at the Marriott fell onto her while she she and Drew Barrymore were sleeping off that pot bender and she just rolled out of bed and got into the limo. And hey, I’m all for a fling to help get over a failed relationship, but she could have at least washed off the filthy film from that surfer she was boinking after Justin dumped her before attending Hollywood’s Biggest Night of the Goddamn Year. What the F, Cameron Diaz?

How about Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson?

Beyonce looks good and Jennifer Hudson looks damn good but Jennifer’s breasts are clearly rising to the occasion and Beyonce’s just look like they are trying to crawl away and go have a rum and Coke with Helen Mirren.

Nicole Kidman’s dress made her look like a Christmas present, and not in the good way. And it looks like even her hair is botoxed. Clearly she is still bitter because she had to talk to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. What the F, Nicole?

Or maybe she had just run into Tom Cruise.

Clearly, Scientology doesn’t do much to help with thinning hair. Yeah, I said it.

Philip Seymour Hoffman apparently has been combing his hair with, uh, an imaginary comb. Or perhaps he skipped the comb altogether in favor of the bar. You’d have to be drunk to present the Best Actress Award to Helen F’n Mirren (her professional name, by the way) with hair like that. What the F, Philip Seymour Hoffman?

Melissa Etheridge managed to out-dyke Ellen by wearing something she borrowed from David Copperfield’s closet. I kept expecting her to pull a rabbit out of her pocket or perhaps make Jack Nicholson disappear.

And I leave you with Jodie Foster, who’s dress makes her look as washed out as her career seems to be. What the F, Jodie Foster?