Liveblogging the Presidential Townhall through the fog of Graphics on CNN
Without an 2000ish snafu, the end of the election is four weeks away. Yaaay! As you know we love live-blogging shit on TV. We feel it gives our four or five readers a sense of what it’s like to sit on our pet hair-infused couch and watch television with us. (This experience will soon be picked up by Epcot Center as a sensory experience ride so consider this a preview.)
Anyway, it’s almost eight o’clock on a Tuesday, and that means we’re drunk. So we’ve asked our senior political analysts, Muriel the Pug and Jake the Cat to do the work for us.
Amy: Good evening pets. Are you ready to watch the debate from Nashville?
Muriel: I LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC! THAT’S FROM NASHVILLE TOO!
Jake: Girl, I’m glad you’re too short to drive because I don’t want to ride in the car listening to no Keith Urban.
Muriel: DONNA BRAZILE IS MY BOO!
Amy: Let me state before the debate gets started that both Muriel and Jake are undecided voters. So we really have the pulse of the nation represented in our pets as they’re both swing voters.
Muriel: I SWING BOTH WAYS!
Jake: Girl, your ass doesn’t count as a partner.
Muriel: I NAMED IT DONNA BRAZILE! I LOVE IT VERY MUCH!
Amy: Anyway, we’re about to get started. Take it away pets, wake me if anything interesting happens.
Muriel: THANK YOU VERY MUCH OWNER AMY! READERS, AS WE FACE AN INCREDIBLY COMPLEX TIME IN OUR NATION’S HISTORY I ASK YOU NOT TO FAULT ME FOR BEING UNDECIDED!
Jake: No but we can fault you for that odor. Why on earth do you smell like four-week old Cheetos?
Muriel: THAT IS MY OWN SPECIAL ODOR! IT IS MY ODE TO JOHN MCCAIN!
Jake: Well it reeks of old man balls.
Muriel: YES
Jake: According to McCain the American Dream is to just stay in your home. Girl, that’s all I do. No one let’s me out.
Muriel: OUT? I WANT TO GO OUT! I’M GOING TO SIT BY THE DOOR UNTIL SOMEONE LETS ME OUT! IF YOU DON’T LET ME OUT I’M GOING TO PEE ON THE FLOR SQUARES IN A VERY HARD TO REACH PLACE!
Jake: Girl if you gonna bail on this and go outside then I’m out. If you need me I’ll be in the kitchen staring at the drawer where the treats are.
83 minutes later….
Amy: Ok, just got up and from the looks of it the debates are over. Let’s see what the pets did…Uh, yeah. Well we’ve got one more debate left, I think I’ll handle that one myself.
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