Trashy Celebs

Aw, look who doesn’t have a sense of humor about himself. Good old Mark Mark (formerly of the Funky Bunch) has been in too many Academy Award-nominated movies and has produced too many Emmy-award winning television shows and lost his ever-lovin’ sense of humor in the process.

You see, on a recent episode of Saturday Night Live hosted by Anne Hathaway, everyone’s favorite digital shortmeister Andy Samberg does a skit where “Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals.” And he does a pretty good imitation of Walhberg and …. talks to animals. I thought it was a pretty funny skit in an episode that had several pretty funny skits. Here, check it out for yourself:

Funny, right? Maybe not old-school Saturday Night Live funny like The Bees or Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood or The Judy Miller Show. Heck, not even as funny as the “Narnia” digital short, or Natalie Portman as a gangsta rapper. But pretty funny for a toward-the-end-of-the-show sketch. But here’s what Mr. Walhberg had to say about it.

Someone showed it to me on YouTube. It wasn’t like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that’s for sure. And “Saturday Night Live” hasn’t been funny for a long time. They’ve asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don’t even know who’s on the show now.

Whatever, Marky Mark. You know you want to be in a digital short with Andy who must have a big old man crush on you if he’s willing to imitate someone who apparently has no sense of humor about himself. Either that or he was angling for a guest spot on Entourage and the whole thing massively backfired on him. Still, I suspect that Marky Mark actually has downloaded this video to his iPod and secretly watches it over and over, maybe silently crying for the days when he didn’t take himself so gosh darn seriously.

Can we call this spin? Sarah Palin is claiming to “approve of” Tina Fey’s impersonation of her from the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. A smart move, because all of America loved Tina Fey’s impersonation of her, so it wouldn’t be smart to get all sour lemon face about it now, would it?

Vice presidential candidate SARAH PALIN was left stunned by TINA FEY’s impersonation of her on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE this weekend (13Sep08) - because the politician once went to a party dressed as the comedienne.

Fey opened the show on Saturday dressed as Palin, in a sketch alongside co-star Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton.

Republican Palin was watching from home - and has since sent her approval.

Her spokesperson Tracey Schmitt says, “She thought it was quite funny, particularly because she once dressed up as Tina Fey for Halloween.”

Now we know that Hillary Clinton approves of Amy Poehler’s impression of her, so it only makes good political sense for Palin to “approve” as well. What she should be thinking about is if Tina Fey “approves” of Palin dressing up as her for Halloween. Something tells me that Fey won’t have much to say about that publicly, but will have her lawyer quietly send along a cease-and-desist notice. Just sayin’.

As usual, the National Enquirer is wandering into areas best left alone. Lately, they’ve been talking smack about poor Lance Armstrong, who recently has come out of retirement to race in the Tour de France again, to talk about, of all things, his sex life, or perhaps the lack thereof. Really, does anyone who isn’t sleeping with him, is no longer sleeping with him, or will never, ever sleep with him, really need to be thinking, writing, or talking about this?

LANCE ARMSTRONG NO SEX GOD

Biking bed champ Lance Armstrong doesn’t think he’s God’s gift to women.

Armstrong who’s bedded a bevy of beauties including Kate Hudson, Sheryl Crow and Tory Burch is still good to go despite a bout with testicular cancer.

Yet the Seven time Tour de France winner doesn’t consider himself a sex god.

“I had sex if I had the energy,” Lance confided to Men’s Journal.

“I wasn’t one of those guys who believed in the myths about the guy losing his chi.

“The fact is that if you are riding your bike six, seven hours a day, you are not a sex champion. You’re just not. You have fatigue, low testosterone and a lower libido,” Armstrong admitted.

Maybe that explains the revolving doors in Lance’s boudoir.

Give the guy a break! He’s only got one testicle! He rides a bike 75 hours a week! He probably smells bad when he gets off his bike! And since when does an athlete has to be a sex god? Since never, that is when. Leave the sex god stuff for Hollywood!

So according to Star Magazine good old Lindsay Lohan (who I still like to think of from her Mean Girls days before she became tabloid fodder and more known for being drunk than anything else) has gotten herself into a bit of a pickle with some ladies who don’t like pickles … yes, it’s the lesbian love triangle.

Lindsay Lohan may be cleaning up her act, but her love life is in shambles — with two Hollywood lesbians fighting for her affections!

On one side there’s Courtenay Semel, 28, the daughter of Yahoo! chairman Terry Semel, who appeared in the E! reality series Filthy Rich Cattle Drive. On the other there’s DJ Samantha Ronson, 30, whose mom is writer Ann Dexter-Jones and dad is band manager Laurence Ronson.

“Sam and Courtenay fight for Lindsay’s attention,” an insider tells Star. “Both have told her they love her.”

Lindsay and Samantha started hanging out back in 2004. As Star reported, when Lindsay was in rehab in 2007, she kept in constant contact with Samantha, exchanging romantic letters through her MySpace page.

“Your [sic] all I have to live for babe,” Lindsay, now 21, wrote. “I want to marry you and have children with you. I need you to live!”

The pair certainly looked like a couple during an early March trip to NYC, when Lindsay cuddled Sam as she deejayed an event at the Atelier, a new building where Lindsay has an apartment.

But don’t count out Courtenay. As Star reported in February, Courtenay and Lindsay were living together in the Hollywood Hills until a spat sent Courtenay packing. But despite their falling out, Courtenay “can’t let go of Lindsay, and she’ll do what she can to win her back,” says a source.

To start with, anyone who makes their kid spell their name “Courtenay” deserves to have said kid end up on a sorted tabloidian lesbian love triangle later on in life. But that aside, this, of course, is all complete bullshit, and not just because this is from Star Magazine. No, there is one clue in this story that makes it completely clear that it is made up. Can you guess what it is? If you can’t, that’s okay, I am about to tell you. You can tell this is NOT TRUE because of …. myspace. Yes, Star claims that Lohan exchanged romantic messages with Ronson via her MySpace page. Come on! First of all, I don’t think rehab lets you go online just anytime you want because apparently (I read this somewhere on the internet) you can order drugs online. Plus, this is LINDSAY LOHAN and you know that girl has a blackberry or an iPhone or some shit. If she is having a semi-secret lesbian love affair with a club DJ while in rehab, she’s going to have only the best, most recent technology for writing her sweet messages of love and poems about drugs and granola. MySpace? I am so freakin’ sure! (You can’t even play Scrabulous on MySpace!) Sheesh!

Lindsay Lohan, Samantha Ronson

Things are a little (olay a lot) busy in the Trash Talkin’ household today, but I didn’t want to leave you without any trash to talk yourselves, so here are some blind items I spotted over on Gawker. Some of them are pretty obvious, some of them are a little hard to figure out and all of them are fun (and sometimes gross.) Enjoy.

* What couple almost split up during the making of that movie because she was on fire with jealousy that he got to show his actual talent? (No worries. It totally bombed.)
* Which top anchor is a bottom?
* Which pop star is a top? (Or so goes the legend; actually, he and one of his hot boyfriends switched positions and loved it.)
* Which female politician once slept with a rabbi’s sister, according to an American Idol personality who’s a friend of the rabbi?
* What much younger songstress has very little actual chemistry with the husband, probably because she’s a big old lesbo?
* Which pasty-white club mess (with his friends) blithely walked out on a check at Beige (after insanely trying to get me to pay it) and was thrown out of Hiro for choking his boyfriend, the same week he was featured in New York magazine’s Look Book? What same guy became the subject of restraining tactics by a stylist when he kept using the stylist’s name to get free clothes long after he ceased working for him? (Oh, did I mention he’s also a thief?)
* What cute, young guy, who’s Hollywood royalty, recently had a heartwarming experience peeing into a trannie’s anus, only to have all kinds of shit shoot out?
* Which exotic, young hotshot designer has been supposedly doing it with that black rapper with many children?

blind items

Justin Timberlake was recently seen shopping in New York City …. at Tiffany and Co. …. for engagement rings. Oooh, girl, if that one doesn’t push Britney Spears (or Cameron Diaz, for that matter) over the edge … well, I imagine someone will find a way to make it seem like it has pushed her over the edge. And Cameron will just sign on for Shrek 4 hoping that they will make Justin reprise his role as Prince Charming or whatever and she will have a chance to pretend to be his girlfriend again, completely forgetting that when you do an animated film you are rarely in the same room at the same time with the rest of the cast and she won’t even see him anyway.

Whoops, sorry about that anti-Diaz tangent there.

Anyhoodle, it seems like the poor guy can’t even walk through a jewelry store without the whole internet blowing its collective wad all over everything. How do we even know that he was there looking at rings? I mean, if you click on the link above, the source does say he was looking at rings, but how do we know that is true? I mean, maybe he went in to buy a bracelet for his mom or a manly watch for his bro-yfriend Timbaland. Or heck, maybe he ate too many Fig Newtons and had the poops and ran in to use the bathroom. And then he had to at least pretend to think about buying something, just like if you or I ran into a McDonalds or a Barnes & Noble to use the bathroom we would at least have to buy a soda or look over the magazines, just so we don’t get yelled at for being an asshole non-customer.

My guess, though, is that he is working on writing his next album and is trying to create some drama in his personal life so he has something to write about. C’mon, Jessica Biel, cheat on him or insult his mama or something. The boy needs material!

Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz

According to the article on JAM! Showbiz, Johnny Depp likes to keep his private life private. That’s not too surprising …. I think we all knew that about him AND agree with him. I like to keep my private life private. My cats like to keep their private life private (except when they are licking themselves in their special areas in the middle of a dinner party.) Yeck, everone keeps their private life private …. except maybe Britney Spears.

But Depp takes it a step further. He doesn’t care about other people’s private lives. That is just madness! This is what he said about it:

“I don’t want to be a product,” he says. “Of course you want the movies to do well. But I don’t want to know … who’s hot now and who’s not and who’s making this much dough and who’s boffing this woman or that one. I want to remain ignorant of all this. I want to be totally outside and far away from all of it.”

Come on!! Everyone likes to get up in someone else’s business every now and then. Everyone is at least curious about a celebrity’s love life or family like or what is in his or her friggin’ refrigerator. Everyone at least reads the headlines on tabloids while standing in line at the grocery store to pay for milk and frozen pizza. Yes, I bet even Johnny Depp does that, whether he admits it or not.

But I guess if Johnny Depp isn’t here reading this and since he has no plans to come here and read this, then we can talk about him without him knowing. So I bet Johnny Depp has really bad morning breath. I bet he sometimes annoys his girlfriend by eating cookies in bed and brushing the crumbs onto her side. I bet he doesn’t clean the hair out of the drain trap after he takes a shower. I bet he flips away from whatever show they are watching and doesn’t turn back before the commercial is over. I bet he leaves half full coffee cups all over the house. I bet he leaves the toilet seat up. And I bet he watches Entertainment Tonight all the time.

Johnny Depp, celebrity gossip, tabloids

So like Ms. Jodie Foster, Ms. Queen Latifah is running around in circles in regard to her sexuality. There has been a rumor going around that Queen Latifah (aka) Dana Owens is about to marry her personal trainer and so-called girlfriend, Jeanette Jenkins. Queen, however has never admitted that she’s dating Jeanette. She told The Chicago Sun Times ”When you’re famous these days, it’s just part of the deal — unfortunately. People will make up all sorts of things that are not true. . . . There ain’t gonna be no wedding.”

Aww, we wonder if every time Latifah says stuff like that she has to go and apologize to her Boo and send her gifts of love like Teddy Bears and Balloons that say “I love you”. Chicks love that shit. But anyway, hats off to you Jeanette Jenkins, we hope she’s worth it and comes around to the truth one day.

Jodie Foster, Queen Latifah, Jeanette Jenkins

Well isn’t James Blunt just the studliest little thing?

Blunt partied with nine nude women

James Blunt has claimed that he once partied with nine naked women in a swimming pool.

The singer revealed the news during an interview with Live magazine, in which he also boasted that he had never failed to satisfy a women.

Blunt said: “I once found myself in a swimming pool in Los Angeles with nine naked models and I was the only guy.”

He added: “But I’d like to think any woman I have known has enjoyed being with me.”

So I wonder if James Blunt has been telling this story since high school. Because it sounds to me a bit like a story that a high-school sophomore who is trying way too hard to convince the seniors who sit next to him in study hall that he really, really isn’t a virgin, no way, really, he has totally had sex with a girl who lives in Canada who he met at Niagara Falls. Because not only did James Blunt “party” in a swimming pool with a woman it was a naked woman. And it wasn’t just one naked woman it was nine. And not just nine naked women, but nine naked women who happened to be models. And there were no other guys around, anywhere. And it happened with some Canadian naked lady models who he met at Niagara Falls, for real guys really!

Somehow James Blunt has gotten to be pretty famous for one song (”You’re Beautiful”). I remember reading somewhere that he wrote that song in about 20 minutes, so you’d think that he’d either not need to make up silly stories about cavorting with nine naked models in order to impress other folks. Or if he did still need to make up a story, he could use his creative talents (and another 20 minutes) to make up a more realistic one. Or, shoot, maybe these nine lovely, naked models will come forward at some point (hopefully they’ve found some robes) and back up his studly claims. Then he can write a song about that.

Either way, I hope he washed his hair before he got into the swimming pool. Because judging from that picture above, Ew!

James Blunt, You’re Beautiful