Trashy Celebs

So am I the only one in the blogosphere who things that pop star Mandy Moore and weird-rocker Ryan Adams (not Brian Adams, the pride of Canada) are not only dating, and not only got engaged, but quietly got married this past Tuesday somewhere in Georgia. I don’t know why they felt the need to get married “quietly” because I doubt the paparazzi would be hovering over their nuptials in a helicopter.

I wonder if this was his wedding suit.

I mean I know Moore dated Zach Braff for a while and he is kind of weird and hipster, but he is totally mainstream hipster, while Adams is old school weirdo hipster. I mean, Braff likes to introduce us all to the hip relaxing tunes of The Shins and Frou Frou, but Ryan Adams writes albums with names like Love is Hell and sometimes acts all pissy onstage. Plus, she seems pretty clean cut and has acted in movies like A Walk to Remember and License to Wed while Adams used to be addicted to snorting heroin mixed with cocaine. A match made ….. where? I don’t know where.

But hey, who am I to judge where love might come from? Opposites attract and all that bullshit. And maybe some quality time with Moore might help Ryan overcome his obvious aversion to shampoo and buying clothes from somewhere other than the dumpster behind the Goodwill. Shoot, maybe their marriage will be so wonderful that he will start writing happy songs and they can sing duets about puppies and rainbows on the Disney channel. Stranger things have happened.

Stay! She missed you! Hey all you 1990s kids. Remember 1994? Remember college and the movies we saw and the CDs we collected? Remember that movie that just defined your after college years, when you didn’t know what the hell to do? Yes, I am talking about Reality Bites and the bitchin’ awesome soundtrack that went with it. Yeah! So this wasn’t the best song on the soundtrack, but it was definitely one of the most memorable:

So here, almost 15 years later, someone is finally listening. Lisa Loeb married Roey Hershkovitz (that must be his porn star name) who is a music supervisor for Late Night with Conan O’Brien. I don’t stay up late enough to watch that show, so I don’t know how the music is on that one, but presumably the show is going to have a lot more music by waifs in thrift store dresses, wearing chunky heels and horn-rimmed glasses.

We here at Trashy Celebs are indeed fans of the Bravo show Top Chef. We like food and we like to cook and we like to sit down to dinner and watch the show. And sure, we like the host of the show, Padma Lakshmi, because she is beautiful (and how!) and she also likes food and she likes to talk about food. We also suspect that she must be stoned a lot to be able to eat all that food, but I digress.

But what we don’t understand about Padma is her thing for older men with rather large heads. I mean, she was married for years to Salman Rushdie (and I always figured that was for the excitement and danger, what with the fatwa and all). And now she is stepping out with billionaire Ted Forstman. The two claim they aren’t dating, but hey, she took him as her plus one to the Emmy awards (see picture above) and in Hollywood, that is the same as taking someone to your favorite cousin’s wedding. So yeah, totally doing it with another rich old guy. Go Padma!

Well, who didn’t see this one coming? You’d think maybe a blind person might not have seen it coming, but actually I heard this from a guy who was waiting for the bus with a seeing-eye dog*, so yes, even people who can’t see saw this coming. Apparently, Sarah Jessica Parker, star of stage and Girls Just Want to Have Fun is moving out of her home with hubster Ferris Bueller Matthew Broderick and is looking for her own place in a real life Sex and the City episode.

It seems the marriage has been on the rocks for a bit because Ferris has been stepping out on Carrie with a younger …. wait, what? Woman? A younger woman? Well color me stunned on that one. I thought for sure all this moving out by Sarah Jessica was just the preview to the main event: Matthew coming out of the closet. Oh well, gaydar can’t be right every time!

*I did not hear this from a blind guy at the bus stop. I stopped taking the bus because it is always late. I read it in Star magazine.

My friends and I play a game called “Death is Not an Option” that many of you might be familiar with. In case you aren’t, the game is played when one friend suggests to the rest of the group two individuals and/or situations … usually two that the general public would not find desirable. Then you force your friends to chose … usually the choice is between sleeping with two completely undesirable people, but I suppose you could play with two yuck situations like “eating mud” or “drinking gutter water,” but where is the fun in that?

But whatever or however you choose to play the game, you can’t tell me that you didn’t think of it when you read that to Courtney Cox, divorce is not an option. Apparently she has had some rough moments in her relationship (which happens to everyone) and unlike 50% of the married population, they are working on staying together. And to that, I say, well done! (Although I do have to wonder if that has Jennifer Aniston feeling even worse about losing her husband to Angelina Jolie.)

But that just leads to a new game to play with your friends, maybe a slightly (very slight) more mature version of “Death is Not an Option.” Instead of presenting your friends with two completely undesirable and unsexy choices of individuals (primarily celebrities or public figures) and making them choice who to have sex with, instead, give them two choices of celebrities or public figures who are completely undesirable and make them decide who to stay married to … in sickness and in health, breakfast together, grocery shopping together, and growing old together. Hey, I think there is a Fox reality show in there somewhere.

Nothing all that trashy about this clip. Anderson Cooper suits up and swims a lap with Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps. They are both a couple of cuties and it looks like after this was shot they played some water volleyball or maybe a rousing game of Marco Polo. Marco? Polo!

In slightly more trashy Michael Phelps news, the swimmer apparently took his new girlfriend home to Baltimore this past Thanksgiving to meet the family. What’s trashy about that? Well, nothing, unless you consider that she is a cocktail waitress and topless model that he met while improving his poker game in Las Vegas. Again, not really all that trashy …. I mean, someone has to serve the drinks and pose for naked pictures, right? But having a cocktail waitress girlfriend just seems to go way against the clean cut all-American image Mr. Phelps seems to have developed. Or perhaps that the media has developed for him. I mean, maybe his goal all along was to win the World Series of Poker and date a girl with lots of tattoos and the whole Olympic athlete thing was just a means to an end. Could be. Or maybe his guest cameo on the season finale of Entourage somehow affected his douchyness filter. (And for the record, I do not watch Entourage on purpose. Trashy Talker Amy does — DVRs it, even — and sometimes I am just in the same room when it is on.)

But whatever, I’m sure not as many people care now about who the Human Fish is dating now as cared a few months back. In another few months it will be “Michael Who?” until four years from now at the next Olympic games. Until then, why shouldn’t he do everything he can to stay in the media. Or do be a slightly douchy but rich young man in his early 20s. Party on, Phelps.

For all of you out there who were hoping that The Office’s romance between Pam Beasley and Jim Halpert might cross over into real life (was that just me?) I have some disappointing news for you. John Krasinski is not the guy helping Jenna Fischer pick up the pieces since her divorce from James Gunn. Instead he is the guy helping Emily Blunt pick up the pieces since her split from Michael Buble, the singer who has a name no one can pronounce. (Which doesn’t bother me because you are not going to find me in your local F.Y.I. anytime soon shopping for his CDs.)

Krasinski was most recently known to be dating former Office cast member Rashida Jones, and I have to say I am glad that is over because Jim and Karen were all wrong for each other. And looking back over this entry, perhaps I am a bit over-invested in NBC Thursday nights.

Or marry them off or something. Just take them off the market! Protect them! Why such panic? Well we all need to keep a closer eye on our single friends right now because everyone’s favorite skank Paris Hilton has broken up with that guy Benji Madden whom I always have to Google because I don’t remember what he does! (Oh yeah, he is the twin brother of Joel Madden, who is Paris Hilton’s former best friend Nicole Richie’s baby daddy! Got all that? Need a chart? And Benji and Joel used to be in a band called Good Charlotte before they took up careers as the dates of girls famous for being famous.)

I really don’t have much to say about this breakup, since I really didn’t have much to say about the relationship in the first place. I’m sure both Paris and Benji will move on to other relationships soon and fine media outlets like CNN and MSNBC will be there to tel us all about it.

Really Lindsay, really? Did you really just call Obama our first “colored” president? We think there’s a word or two in her recent interview with Access Hollywood that she might want to take back right around now. Listen below for yourself and tell us if we’re imagining this little fuck up in an interview with Maria Menounos.

If you’re on a slow band width or your computer rejects her clown make-up. Maria Menounos asks, regarding the announcement of Obama’s victory, “Tell me what that night meant for you.” Lindsay replies, “It was really exciting. It’s an amazing feeling. It’s our first [muffled mystery word that sounds a lot like colored] president.”

Oh Lindsay, are you from a backwater town in Mississippi or are you from New York? I have a hint, New Yorkers (and anyone else from the 21st or even 20th century) don’t say that word! You just don’t want us to like you do you? You finally sort of admit you’re in a relationship with Samantha Ronson. In fact, just the other day, Lindsay told Harper’s Bazaar that “I think it’s pretty obvious who I’m seeing.”

It’s obvious to everyone but her, because when asked if she’s bisexual, Lindsay’s reply is a vague “Maybe. Yeah” and then says “No” when asked if she’s a lesbian.

Well, you say you’re with a lady so we can only extrapolate the obvious Ronson connection from that. But even if you’re gay or bi or whatever, you’re still kind of a wanker who probably should just keep your mouth shut.

Hi I’m Meadow Soprano, I was a supporting character in one of the most iconic, brilliant television shows ever written - The Sopranos. Hi I’m Turtle, I’m on a kind of watchable, also HBO series, Entourage. I play a horny stereotype and get to pretend-smoke weed. I may be less attractive but I think we should date since I’m currently working and you’re not. Sounds good to me Turtle. Can I guest star on your show to seal the deal? Why not.

This may be old news but we haven’t reported it before, so it’s new to us. plus we got to make a dirty joke in the headline. Anyway, Jamie-Lynn Sigler is reportedly dating Jerry Ferrara, who plays Turtle on Entourage. The two met on The Entourage set when Jamie-Lynn shot her cameo role with Turtle that aired on Sunday. Apparently they carried their on-screen romance off camera. They were first seen out at the HBO Emmy Awards after party, where they spent the night seemingly attached at the hip.

Cool deal. We wish them the best.

All sorts of celebrity shagging going on these days. Let’s not “mess around” but “get right down on it” and talk about what’s going on!

Apparently, Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have stopped fucking Matt Damon and Ben Affleck (respectively) and are getting back together!

They have had dinner dates and attended Howard Stern’s recent wedding to Beth Ostorsky. And we all know that taking someone as your date to a wedding is a big thing. You don’t just take any schmoe off the street. So you better be watching for “I’m Fucking Jimmy Kimmel” on the YouTube someday soon! Yay!

Here’s some news that I hope is not true, for the sake of all humankind and tweens everywhere.
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In no less shocking celebrity coming out news, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson apparently have quietly gone public with their relationship. And once again, no one in the world is stunned. In fact, I think the only person making a big deal out of this one is the Queen, Perez Hilton. So, yay, they are out, whatever, let them live their lives because I finally joined a gym and I need all my extra energy for those last 10 minutes on the treadmill. Also, the new television season has started, so I need to spend my extra time caring about the losers on Survivor and wondering what will happen with Jim and Pam.

What I don’t understand and what I might spend a few minutes wondering about (maybe time spent doing the dishes or cleaning out the cat boxes) is if it is true that out lesbian Samantha Ronson would really refuse to be a guest DJ at a benefit for famed lesbian bar Rubyfruit in NYC, because it is a lesbian bar. I mean, if she refused to do it because she doesn’t do benefits, fine. Or if because the bar is a dump (and I visited Rubyfruit once many years ago, and then it was kind of a dump and there was no one there) then, fine. But to say she won’t do it because it is a homo club? Well that is just stupid.

Of course, if Rubyfruit really wants to raise some money or really wants some new respectability, it will refuse entry to famewhore Samantha Ronson (and take all those pictures of Melissa Etheridge off the wall) and just serve good drinks in a friendly atmosphere and play some damn good music. Something tells me that they don’t want to be known as “that bar where Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend played that one time, and no one really cared.” Just sayin’.

So the world can finally stop obsessing about Star Jones and her homosexual ex-husband, Al Reynolds, and start obsessing about Star Jones and her new inappropriate boyfriend, chef Herb Wilson.

I don’t really know if Herb Wilson (and isn’t “Herb” a great name for a chef?) is really an inappropriate boyfriend, because I don’t know anything about him. He seems less gay than Al Reynolds (but really, the love child of Elton John and George Michael seems less gay than Al Reynolds, so, whatever) so that bodes well for the future of their relationship. I just have to wonder if it’s a good idea for a woman with a well-documented weight problem to be dating a man who makes his career from food. Is Star Jones that self-destructive? First, a marriage to a probably-gay man that was doomed to fail. Now a relationship with someone cooking all the time …. causing the failure of her gastric bypass surgery? I am worried about you Star Jones.

Actually my favorite part of this whole story is that it is like Alanis Morissette puked her own special brand of irony all over it. And Alanis Morissette irony is my favorite kind of irony. Dontcha think?

SOMEbody may have made this up, but it wasn’t me. I mean, I have, on occasion, been told that I have a sick and twisted sense of humor, but even my mind wouldn’t have come up with this one. Even my mind after I have watched a Jackass marathon and a John Waters film festival. Never never. Never.

People. People! PEOPLE! Are you ready for this? Are you ready? You probably aren’t ready for this, but I have to tell you anyway. The Mirror is reporting that the King of (Skeevy) Pop, Michael Jackson, is dating the Queen of (Skeevy) Short-Term relationships, Pamela Anderson. Yes! You heard me! YES! Michael Jackson and Pamela Anderson? WTF?????

Does that not make you want to take a shower? Scrub really hard with lots of hot water? I mean, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee were kind of gross because of that sex tape that got “stolen” and released, because, ew! And then she was married to Kid Rock for like 15 minutes (and in multiple weddings, like they were on some sort of wedding tour), and he was a huge douche and divorced her because she was in Borat. And then there was that seven minute marriage to Rick Salomon, Paris Hilton’s sloppy seconds. But Michael Jackson? For real? I mean, Tommy Lee is covered in tats and both he and Kid Rock look like they shower maybe once every couple of weeks. But Michael Jackson has the sort of filthy film that doesn’t wash off.

Here’s a new sort of celebrity rehab story …. David Duchovny, best known for his role as Fox Mulder on The X-Files, has entered rehab …. for sex addiction. OH MY MY MY.

David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation center for sex addiction, his lawyer, Stanton “Larry” Stein, tells PEOPLE exclusively.

“I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction,” the actor says in an exclusive statement. “I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”

Duchovny, 48, has been married to actress Téa Leoni since 1997. They have two children, daughter Madelaine West, 9, and son Kyd, 6.

They tried to make him go to rehab and he said, “Yes. YES. OH YES YES YES!”