Trashy Celebs

So am I the only one in the blogosphere who things that pop star Mandy Moore and weird-rocker Ryan Adams (not Brian Adams, the pride of Canada) are not only dating, and not only got engaged, but quietly got married this past Tuesday somewhere in Georgia. I don’t know why they felt the need to get married “quietly” because I doubt the paparazzi would be hovering over their nuptials in a helicopter.

I wonder if this was his wedding suit.

I mean I know Moore dated Zach Braff for a while and he is kind of weird and hipster, but he is totally mainstream hipster, while Adams is old school weirdo hipster. I mean, Braff likes to introduce us all to the hip relaxing tunes of The Shins and Frou Frou, but Ryan Adams writes albums with names like Love is Hell and sometimes acts all pissy onstage. Plus, she seems pretty clean cut and has acted in movies like A Walk to Remember and License to Wed while Adams used to be addicted to snorting heroin mixed with cocaine. A match made ….. where? I don’t know where.

But hey, who am I to judge where love might come from? Opposites attract and all that bullshit. And maybe some quality time with Moore might help Ryan overcome his obvious aversion to shampoo and buying clothes from somewhere other than the dumpster behind the Goodwill. Shoot, maybe their marriage will be so wonderful that he will start writing happy songs and they can sing duets about puppies and rainbows on the Disney channel. Stranger things have happened.

Pamela Anderson is a big freakin’ mess. I can’t even say hot mess, because while she was probably once considered hot, she isn’t anymore, and my best comparison is to a plate of spicy nachos that has been sitting on the coffee table too long …… lukewarm, crusty, hardened, and with some random cat hair stuck to it.

I know she didn’t necessarily pick this outfit, because this is part of some Richie Rich fashion show, or wait, I mean “fashion show,” because I see no actual believable fashion here. But then again, I have seen some crazy-ass shit churned out on Project Runway and on the red carpet at the Academy Awards, so what the hell do I know about fashion? But I do know a mess when I see one, and Pamela Anderson, I see you!

John Mayer, I want to like you. I’m not sure why, because I don’t really like many of your songs I think to try to play too bluesy for a baby-faced white boy. And you are currently dating Jennifer Aniston which is smart because she is definitely the hottest of the Friends cast. You seem like a you have a sense of humor. So why you gotta say stuff that would make me un-friend you on Facebook if we happened to be Facebook friends (which we aren’t, because: see above re: don’t like your music.)

John Mayer (aka The Player) doesn’t like the fact that lazy, talentless gamers get to feel like a rock god for a few minutes when they play “Guitar Hero�?. John is hating on the game claiming it makes it too easy for people to enjoy the instrument.

The singer claims no game could ever replicate the joy he gets from playing the guitar for real, and urges fans to grab a real axe and learn to play for real. Mayer tells RollingStone.com, “Guitar Hero was devised to bring the guitar-playing experience to the masses without them having to put anything into it. And having done both, there’s nothing like really playing guitar. I mean, what would you rather drive, a Ferrari or one of those amusement-park cars on a track?�?

Why you gotta be like that John Mayer? I mean, come on, most of us can’t afford Ferraris and most of us don’t have the time or the talent or the inclination to learn to play guitar. So why not play a game that is music based and lets you pretend to be a rock star for a few minutes at a time? Everyone knows it isn’t at all lke playing a guitar for reals …. in fact, people I know who DO play guitar are the worst at Guitar Hero. HA! I think I figured it out. Because you play the guitar, you must SUCK at Guitar Hero so that’s why you are talkin’ such shit about it. Oh John Mayer, I expected more self-esteem from you. Come on. You have the record contract and the concert tour and the groupies and the repeated mentions on Perez Hilton. There is even a big billboard that I see around town with your giant face looming over me. Don’t worry if you aren’t any good at Guitar Hero. I’m sure you are very talented in other ways. (Like being a douche.)

John Mayer, Jennifer Aniston, Guitar Hero

Simon Le Bon’s Lyrics Blunder Disappoints Duran Duran Fans

Duran DuranDuran Duran left fans devastated on the opening night of their world tour - after frontman Simon Le Bon repeatedly forgot the lyrics to the group’s greatest hits. The “Rio” rockers hit Auckland, New Zealand on Tuesday night to kick off their latest trek around the globe, but the performance was tarnished following a series of mishaps.

Le Bon failed to remember the words to the band’s hit “Hungry Like A Wolf” - prompting bassist John Taylor to reportedly storm off stage.

Taylor, 47, returned minutes later and allegedly shouted at his fellow band members, “I could not dance to that. These people came here to dance.”

Trying to explain the unpolished performance to a bemused audience, Le Bon quipped, “Duran Duran, f—ing up in style.”

The ageing rockers - who have another six shows planned for the Asian-Pacific leg of their world tour - are currently promoting their latest LP Red Carpet Massacre, which failed to impress fans or critics in the U.S. and U.K. when it was released in November 2007.

Wow, first George Michael isn’t coming to my fair midwestern city and now Duran Duran is forgetting the words to their own hit songs? How much does that suck, especially for those of us who listened to their music in high school and college (and who love to get tipsy and nostalgic at a concert every now and then.) Granted, I don’t remember all the words to Duran Duran hits, but then again, I’m not paid to remember them.

In Simon Le Bon’s defense, however, I can see how he might forget the words to “Hungry Like the Wolf” considering that song makes absolutely no flippin’ sense. And while we are thinking about it, why hasn’t some all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant picked up on that and used it for a commercial yet?

Duran Duran, Hungry Like the Wolf

No black snake was moaning but one chimpanzee was groping forehead hottie Christina Ricci on the set of her new movie, Penelope. The movie stars Ricci as woman born with a pig’s nose.

Ricci revealed that she was already intimidated by said chimp Chim Chim who grabbed her left breast while she was filming the flick.

“I’m afraid of monkeys, but I had decided not to be afraid of Chim Chim because no one else is,” Ricci said. “I thought, ‘Everyone else thinks he’s awesome so just be cool. It’s the first day of shooting and I have this kitchen scene where I’m sitting down and Chim Chim is sitting right next to me. Of course, it freaks out during the take and grabs my left breast and will not let go, and he’s so strong.”

Lucky for Ricci, co-star Reese Witherspoon is a monkey ninja and rushed to her rescue along with James McAvoy and Richard E. Grant. Ricci said, “I’m so freaked out and the rest of the actors are facing the other way so no one sees that this has happened to me and I’m like, ‘Help, help’ as quietly and calmly as possible so this thing does not freak out any further. Finally they got him off me but my fear is completely validated and I did not go near him for the rest of the shoot. Monkeys are crazy and you never know what they’ll grab onto - I don’t like unpredictable animals.”

Sure this is a ridiculous and true story and we feel bad for Ms. Ricci and the handsy primate but we really, really wish someone got a picture of it. Luckily that’s why God gave us imaginations and google image search. Close your eyes, picture Ricci either now or during her Wednesday Addams phase and then imagine it was this chimp attacking her.

Happy Friday everyone!

Seriously, people! Here’s Grieco from his 21 Jump Street days:

Handsome fellow, wouldn’t you say? Except those eyebrows could use some work. But I guess that all those years of playing second fiddle to Johnny Depp have taken their toll, because here is Richard Grieco now:
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If Clay Aiken is bringing the Sexy back, then bring on the granny panties because I sure as hell don’t want it anymore. In fact, he doesn’t need to bring it back; he can keep it and I’ll give him a full refund anyway! Cash, not store credit!

On the plus side, I’d love to see Madonna kick the crap out of him after seeing him do this:

Oh no, he’s not gay.

Clay Aiken, Sexyback, Vogue, Like a Virgina, Madonna, Justin Timberlake

Celebrity couple alert! Rapper 50 Cent and Sarah “Fergie” Ferguson, Duchess of York spotted looking cozy on the red carpet. If only it were true! Actually, 50 Cent was among the performers at the Cipriani Wall Street Concert Series, which this year benefited UNICEF and the Sarah Ferguson Foundation.

These two crazy kids make kind of a cute couple. They should give it a shot! “Duke 50 Cent” has a nice ring to it.

50 Cent, Sarah Ferguson, Fergie, Cipriani Wall Street Concert Series, UNICEF, Sarah Ferguson Foundation

Come Monday, talk-show host and queen of polite ha-ha Ellen Degeneres has a line of greeting cards coming to a drugstore near you. In a partnership with American Greetings you’ll be able to purchase 32 cards carrying Degeneres’s unique brand of nervous chatterish insight.

“I look at having a line of cards as another extension of being a host; helping you wish your loved ones well, piggybacking on your birthday greetings,” the comedian said in a statement. “I like to be up in the middle of everything, and doing it this way is much easier than crashing parties.”

A sneak peak at some of the cards displays Ellen’s brand of with that made The Ellen Degeneres Show such a hit.

Anniversary - Roses are red violets are blue…well they’re actually more of a fuchsia don’t you think? Fuchsia, heh, that reminds me I promised to paint my grandma’s kitchen one time and she said ‘get fuchsia’ and I said I don’t know what that is and she said ‘it’s kind of like violet’ and I thought she said ‘violence’ so I got red.

Encouragement - I think you’re neat, so who cares what digit the UPS driver flashed after you cut him off. You know who should be cut off? Lindsay Lohan at an open bar. Am I too late with that one? Who cares my girlfriend is hot.

Flag Day - Hey it’s flag day, who knew there was such a thing? I’ll tell ya who - Flags.

Birthday - Birthdays are a really great time to reflect on who you are and what you’ve done with your life. That reminds me of a really great quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. I’ll be she had a lot of birthdays. But not much time to reflect being a first lady and all. Which makes you wonder when she had time to come up with such a great quote. Although there wasn’t Tivo back then so people had a lot more time to spare. You ever watch your Tivo too long then suddenly go outside and see a bird and think to yourself now was that an Oriole or a Robin? And then you go to rewind it but then you remember you can’t rewind real life? Ahhh, funny, funny stuff.

Ellen DeGeneres, American Greetings, greeting cards, Lindsay Lohan, Eleanor Roosevelt, Tivo