Trashy Celebs

This past weekend, conservative columnist and all around goodtime girl, Ann Coulter referred to Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards as ‘a faggot’ during a speech at the American Conservative Union’s Political Action Conference. At first the crowd’s reaction was one of shock but that quickly turned into a whopping round of applause and cheers for Coulter’s wit and political insight.

This smattering of enthusiasm sparked Coulter to go on a Washington spree of playground insult terror - and no one was safe from her mocking. First Rudy Giuliani approached her after the speech, saying that perhaps her remarks were inappropriate. “If I wanted your input I’d take my dick out of your mouth,â€? cackled Coulter before running off into the night.

But the boney conservative’s tirade had only just begun. Coulter first stop was a late night congressional meeting where she fired off a series of ‘Yo Momma’ insults. To California Democrat Barbara Boxer she said, “Yo momma’s so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a tic-tac.â€?

To freshman senator Claire McCaskill – “Yo momma’s so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job.â€?

To senate majority leader Harry Reid, Coulter snapped, “Your Mamma is so ugly, she went to the bathroom and scared the shit out of the toilet.�

And on encountering Democratic congressman Barney Frank, Coulter spatted, “You’re so gay, you crap rainbow colored gerbils.â€?

Coulter was last seen near a hot dog stand on 1st and Constitution Avenue muttering “waddup banana sucking, homo pie,� at a Washington Post with President Bush on the cover. A short time later she was escorted away by Capitol Hill police. “I don’t know what her issue is,� stated one officer after receiving a mild insult of ‘doody head’ from Coulter “maybe she has Tourettes or something.�

Ann Coulter, homophobia, presidential hopefuls

So, get this one., John Travolta has been saying that Scientology could have saved Anna Nicole Smith. The hell? Why is the Travolta suddenly weighing in on this one? He was in one movie with the woman and suddenly he knows that his particular brand of crazy would have saved her life? It’s not even known yet what caused her death! And not to speak ill of the dead, but I think Anna Nicole would have just politely declined, pointing out that she had plenty of crazy to spare, thank you very much. And it’s not like anyone witnessed the Travolta or any other dianetics crazies lining up to help her when, you know, she was actually still alive and could actually still be helped. Dipshits.

(I would like to point out that also featured in the above movie were The Rock and Fred Freakin’ Durst, but I don’t see The Travolta offering to use Scientology to prevent them from making any more shitty movies or recording any more shitty songs.)

Now here is when the bedwetting liberal in me points out that people have the right to believe whatever they believe and to practice whatever religion is right for them. But what chaps my buttocks is when people use their religion to pay a lot of lip service to how it could “help” other people — people they don’t even know — with their problems. Scientology? More like Doucheotology. Shut up, Vinnie Barbarino.

Tara Connor, who after finishing her required two and a half months of community service kissing Donald Trump’s rear, is back in action – sort of. Instead of mastering how to down 15 tequila shots without puking, Connor has been trying to master the role of Roxie Hart in the hit Broadway play Chicago. Apparently her lushiness has been stinking it up and producers have had about enough of her cheerleaderesque interpretation of acting. But like all good Miss USAs Tara isn’t giving up and is currently pursuing other theater work*.

25 questions for a Jewish Mother – Tara Connor takes over this heartfelt one-woman show originally staring Judy Gold. Hilarity ensues when Connor tries to shed her white bread accent and pronounce Yiddish words such as meshuggeneh and verklemt.

The new Odd Couple – Tara Connor and Melania Trump star in the Bronx theater workshop of this classic Neil Simon play. According to the Donald, this one is going to be huge.

28 days past Congenial - In her most personal role to date, Tara Conner tackles two Sandra Bullock classics produced for the stage. Part 28 days, part Miss Congeniality the four and a half hour play explores one woman’s quest to stop snorting coke off the breast of Miss. Teen USA. A heartfelt romp through rehab is filled with an eclectic assortment of characters. With a fourth act climax of a real life beauty contest involving audience members, 28 days past Congenial is sure to delight and amaze.

*while researching this piece we were absolutely horrified to learn that a Broadway production of Legally Blonde is in the works. What has this country come to and why did the stage production of the Wedding Singer end before I could see it?

So every year I watch the Academy Awards, and every year when they are over I wonder why I bother. But this year I decided to find a reason to watch … and this year was for the fashion! Why? Because I don’t care about fashion. My nicest clothes came from Eddie Bauer. I only know about Prada from that movie with Meryl Streep and I thought Dolce and Gabbana was some sort of cheese. Here’s my thoughts on Oscar fashion!

Let’s start with Ellen Degeneres, the host:

I admire her for wearing what she likes and not caving to pressure to wear an evening gown. (I remember she did that years ago — I think when she hosted the Grammy Awards — and thinking she looked more awkward than me at my Junior Prom.) But her first suit? Red velvet? At first I thought it was just the jacket and I though it was kind of cool, but then I realized it was the pants too! And you can’t see them in this picture, but she was wearing shiny white shoes as well. (Think of the shoes featured in National Lampoon’s Vacation.) What the F, Ellen?

Next we have Cameron Diaz:

What the hell sort of dress is that? It looks like the curtains from her room at the Marriott fell onto her while she she and Drew Barrymore were sleeping off that pot bender and she just rolled out of bed and got into the limo. And hey, I’m all for a fling to help get over a failed relationship, but she could have at least washed off the filthy film from that surfer she was boinking after Justin dumped her before attending Hollywood’s Biggest Night of the Goddamn Year. What the F, Cameron Diaz?

How about Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson?

Beyonce looks good and Jennifer Hudson looks damn good but Jennifer’s breasts are clearly rising to the occasion and Beyonce’s just look like they are trying to crawl away and go have a rum and Coke with Helen Mirren.

Nicole Kidman’s dress made her look like a Christmas present, and not in the good way. And it looks like even her hair is botoxed. Clearly she is still bitter because she had to talk to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. What the F, Nicole?

Or maybe she had just run into Tom Cruise.

Clearly, Scientology doesn’t do much to help with thinning hair. Yeah, I said it.

Philip Seymour Hoffman apparently has been combing his hair with, uh, an imaginary comb. Or perhaps he skipped the comb altogether in favor of the bar. You’d have to be drunk to present the Best Actress Award to Helen F’n Mirren (her professional name, by the way) with hair like that. What the F, Philip Seymour Hoffman?

Melissa Etheridge managed to out-dyke Ellen by wearing something she borrowed from David Copperfield’s closet. I kept expecting her to pull a rabbit out of her pocket or perhaps make Jack Nicholson disappear.

And I leave you with Jodie Foster, who’s dress makes her look as washed out as her career seems to be. What the F, Jodie Foster?

Many have reported this past weekend that Britney Spears has done and gone lost her F’in mind and shaved her head. However, according to sources deep within Brit-Brit’s brain, she believes she’s starting in the remake of the 1997 Demi Moore movie GI Jane.

“Jane’s hard-core y’all,� said Britney perusing on-sale copies of Crossroads at an LA Walmart. “I just need to learn how to pole dance and then find Whoopi Goldberg so I can speak to the dead and my research is done.� When pointed out to her that those were in fact the plots to two other Demi Moore movies, Striptease and Ghost, Britney said “I know I was just kidding, I even know all my lines. Ready, Suck my Dick, right that’s what she says? Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go find Robert Redford and pay him a million dollars to sleep with him.�