Trashy Celebs

Okay, so it seems that Criss Angel is some sort of wicked cool amazing magician because this past weekend he apparently turned Robin Leach (left) into Cameron Diaz.

Sources say that Angel and “Cameron Diaz” were seen dining together Monday night in Las Vegas before attending a performance of Cirque du Soleil’s Love, based on the songs of the Beatles. The two “met” the previous Saturday at the VH-1 Rock Honors (and what either of them were doing THERE, I do not know. I guess anyone who has slept with a musician or uh, listened to music, gets an invite to that one) before partying along with “Cameron Diaz’” friend and perpetual wingman, Drew Barrymore at the Jet Nightclub. Apparently Angel’s sorcery was so good even Barrymore didn’t recognize her best friend was actually the former host of television’s Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

At midnight Monday, Diaz turned back into Robin Leach, then went to the airport to fly back to Obscuretown.

Authorities are planning to contact Minnie Driver, previously linked with Angel, to see if she was actually dating him or if he really went on all those dates with a magically transformed Wayne Brady.

Criss Angel, Cameron Diaz, Robin Leach, Drew Barrymore, Mind Freak, Cirque du Soleil, VH-1 Rock Honors, Jet Nightclub, Minne Driver, Wayne Brady

Who doesn’t love a fat guy? A fat guy with cheap porn, even better. According to the Best Week Ever blog, Subway spokesman Jared Fogel was known for something a bit naughtier during his Indiana University days. Apparently Fogel ran a very lucrative porno rental biz out of his dorm room that offered an extensive collection of naughtiness.

For only a dollar a day, horny dorm dwellers would come from all over campus to take advantage of Fogel’s value menu. No word if a free cookie was included with that.

Jared Fogel, Subway, pornography, porn, porn rental, cheap porn, free cookie

A little something special for the Lord’s day. Also file under “Oh Lord, I can’t believe I used to have Kirk Cameron posters in my bedroom.”

Kirk Cameron, Bananas

Supermodel Petra Nemcova threw a fund raising event recently, benefiting her charity Happy Hearts Fund. The Happy Hearts Fund supports underprivileged children in Asian countries who have survived disasters such as earthquakes or tsunamis. Nemcova herself is a survivor of a disaster, having been through the 2004 tsunami in Thailand. Beautiful AND philanthropic. Way to go, Petra! This concludes the “Bucket of Awesome” section of today’s entry.

In attendance at the fund raiser were Michael Douglas and wife Catherine Zeta-Jones. Aw! you might be thinking. How nice of them to do a little something to support the kids! But I’m afraid that begins the Douche of the Week portion of our entry. Apparently Douglas and Zeta-Jones made a quick tour through the party, posed for a picture with the above-praised Nemcova, and left, all within five minutes and without making a donation.

What the F, Mike and Cathy? Didja have a mini-film festival earlier in the day featuring Wall Street and Chicago? Maybe a few minutes of Romancing the Stone thrown in for good measure? Get a little too caught up in the memories of playing those selfish, greedy characters?

According to Douglas’ rep, the couple didn’t know the event was a fund raiser. Really, Mike and Cathy? Despite the buckets of money people donated? The video screens advertising the charity? The fricking invitation? Perhaps you’d better have a word with your rep. Apparently he or she would rather you look stupid than greedy.

Petra Nemcova, Happy Hearts Fund, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Wall Street, Chicago, Greed is Good

The month of April is sending me a kickin’ goodbye gift with three wonderful stories that I swear I didn’t make up.

Eat your Beans with every meal

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First off, Hugh “Liz won’t blow me� Grant gets arrested in London for hurling a container of baked beans at a paparazzo. The actor “allegedly� kicked photographer Ian Whittaker three times as Whittaker attempted to photograph him near his west London home. Grant then got all Mickey Blue Eyes meets B&M and hurls some baked beans at ‘em slathering the photographer in a gooey mess. Not to be predicting anything but if Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason is any indication, Grant’s career is in the same predicament.

What it Feels Like to be an Ex-View Girl
Then Tyra Banks gets her grope-on with a honk-honk shout-out to Rosie O’Donnell. The best part is Rosie shoving Tyra away. Awww, Kelly gonna be jealous y’all!

The only thing that could make the end of my month even better is if the President could put the “white� back in White House with an awkward display of dance.

Sweeet!

Hugh Grant, Baked Beans, Tyra Banks, Rosie O’ Donnell, The View, President Bush

Save your pennies and brain cells, Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil has launched a four-day getaway aboard the Carnival Imagination called the “Motley Cruise.” The VD-Love Boat sets sail January 24, 2008 from Miami, with stops in Key West and Cozumel before falling on its ass in Calica, Mexico.

Hyped as a “4-day rock & roll vacation filled with music, fun and sun - and of course plenty of Girls, Girls, Girls,� guests may encounter a hidden “Ho� charge. Since the Girls, Girls, Girls who followed Crue in their prime have sagged, sagged, sagged, attendees are asked to either bring their own scantily clad women or pay a daily fee of $15.

Dramamine and Herpes vaccinations will however be available throughout the cruise free of charge.

Vince Neil, Motley Crue, Motley Cruise, Ho, girls, Herpes

The Annual Easter egg Roll took place on the lawn of the White House yesterday morning but the event proved to be scarier than W’s foreign policy. In attendance with along with a select number of children were Clifford the Big Red Dog, Curious George, Shrek, some Easter Bunnies and Bio-Dome actor Stephen Baldwin.

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Things started to go downhill quickly when Laura Bush appeared blurry-eyed on the balcony bookmarked by a pair of doped-up Easter Bunnies. “Me, George and these chickens want to wish you a merry (expletive) Easter America!� remarked Mrs. Bush to a stunned crowd. “Now let’s find these Goddamn eggs before Jesus comes down here and does it himself.�

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Secret Service Agents quickly whisked Mrs. Bush away but she reappeared a short time later for a photo-op with Clifford and some children. However things were apparently still not fine with the first lady as she was overheard whispering to Clifford “Wear the same color as me again and I’ll be wearing your ballsack as a handbag at the next correspondence dinner.�

When asked to comment on Laura Bush’s behavior, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow simply shrugged his shoulders and said, “I don’t know maybe she has her period. Do first ladies get periods?�

Laura Bush, White House, Easter Egg Roll, Stephen Baldwin, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Easter Bunny, Tony Snow

On a chilly day in Hollywood yesterday Halle Berry received her star on Hollywood’s walk of fame. However Catwoman got more than she bargained for when someone in the crowd triple-dog-dared her to put her tongue on the freshly frozen concrete. Figuring she’d had her mouth on worse, Berry played along only to realize what many first graders had previously discovered - Tongue + Cold = Stick.

Much to her chagrin, Berry remained attached to her star for over six minutes when the crowd quickly dispersed to try and get a glimpse of Lindsay Lohan who was chewing a stick of gum a block away.

Halle Berry, Hollywood, Walk of Fame, Lindsay Lohan, gum, tongue

Trashy Celebs gets literal today, with a story about former Sex and the City star Cynthia Nixon and actual trash. According to the New York Daily News, Nixon was spotted digging through the trash in Riverside Park last week. Apparently she snagged a just-thrown-away empty ziploc bag in which to store her son’s half-eaten snack.

What the f, Cynthia Nixon? Are you researching a new role? Are you trying to guilt Sarah Jessica Parker into doing a Sex in the City movie? Have you just lost your f’n mind? Look, girl, I know we shouldn’t waste food and I know we should teach kids not to waste food, but when faced with the choice of throwing away a few crackers or half a peanut butter sandwich OR storing a child’s snack in something that was in a New York City trash can, I would go with tossing the food. Your hit show is in syndication and I’m sure you can afford to by him some hot nuts or a pretzel later on. Besides, it’s Naomi Campbell’s job to pick that trash up, not yours, so let her do her community service in peace, okay?

Cynthia Nixon, Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker, Naomi Campbell

Host, Nelly Furtado opened the 2007 Juno Awards in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, by flying down as a bird while singing her hit song, I’m like a bird. Later on, Furtado closed out the show by performing her recent hit Promiscuous Girl while dry-humping Anne Murray.

Nelly Furtado, Anne Murray, Juno Awards, Saskatoon Saskatchewan

I guess Elisabeth has been crying a lot lately, judging from this side view of Star’s arms. How is it that the top of her arm can look so buff and the bottom so …. swingy?

And I don’t really want to guess at what Al Reynolds might be thinking, but he should be more aware that cameras are around and facial expressions like that will end up on the internet. I wonder what it is he is smelling?

Donald Trump, amazingly enough, was unavailable for comment.

Star Jones Reynolds, Al Reynolds, Rosie O’Donnell, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, The View

Wow, okay, so Kevin Federline, not satisfied with just whoring out his loser reputation in commericals and pro-wresting rings, as apparently launched his own …. search engine? And not only will the site help you look up information for your history term paper, it will give you the chance to win “prizes” like an invitation to Kevin’s birthday party, a t-shirt, or an autographed picture. Like a lot of people, I think I would choose a trip to the dentist before a trip to K-Fed’s birthday bash. Would I have to bring him a present?

I went to the site to check it out and like any good blogger, my first search was on “Trashy Celebs.” I was pleased to see that Kevin got it right and that our site was first on the list. I was also a little disturbed (yet not surprised) to note that the search also returned more porn than the same search on Google might. (Anal Trashy Ass, anyone?) I was also disappointed to notice that on my first search, I did not win anything. I will admit, I want a t-shirt.

Next, naturally, I did a search on “Britney Spears,” and quickly found out that the Britney & Kevin: Chaotic DVD is in stores now. I also noted that Britney’s official site was not listed in the first five pages of hits and that the MSNBC news story announcing their divorce was on page three. Hmmm, passive aggressive much, Fed-Ex?

Last, of course, I searched on “Kevin Federline,” hoping that it would be like the scene in Being John Malkovich when Malkovich goes inside his own mind and everything looks like him and all he hears is “Malkovich, Malkovich.” It wasn’t as dramatic as all that, but I did quickly find Kevin’s official site, his Wikipedia entry, his Internet Movie Database page (what?) and his MySpace page.

It is worth noting that a search on “the War of 1812″ resulted only in a .wav file saying “Huh … what?” and the vague smell of pot smoke coming from my hard drive.

Kevin Federline, search engine, Britney Spears

Apparently, a family of caterpillars has taken up residence on Keith Richards’ upper lip. The two insects were first noticed during Richards’ recent appearance at the 22nd Annual Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony on March 12, 2007. Unsurprisingly, Richards does not appear to have noticed the caterpillars living on his face. What is surprising is that no one seems willing to tell him about the intruders. “Frankly,” one source said, “we fear they might be all that is still holding Keith together, physically.”

Trashy Celebs, fearing for the caterpillars’ health, consulted with an entomologist, who told us that as long as they stay out of the way of his cigarettes and glass of Jack Daniels, he poses no threat to them. Caterpillars, which are primarily herbivores, pose no threat to Richards.

Keith Richards, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, caterpillars

This past weekend, conservative columnist and all around goodtime girl, Ann Coulter referred to Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards as ‘a faggot’ during a speech at the American Conservative Union’s Political Action Conference. At first the crowd’s reaction was one of shock but that quickly turned into a whopping round of applause and cheers for Coulter’s wit and political insight.

This smattering of enthusiasm sparked Coulter to go on a Washington spree of playground insult terror - and no one was safe from her mocking. First Rudy Giuliani approached her after the speech, saying that perhaps her remarks were inappropriate. “If I wanted your input I’d take my dick out of your mouth,â€? cackled Coulter before running off into the night.

But the boney conservative’s tirade had only just begun. Coulter first stop was a late night congressional meeting where she fired off a series of ‘Yo Momma’ insults. To California Democrat Barbara Boxer she said, “Yo momma’s so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a tic-tac.â€?

To freshman senator Claire McCaskill – “Yo momma’s so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job.â€?

To senate majority leader Harry Reid, Coulter snapped, “Your Mamma is so ugly, she went to the bathroom and scared the shit out of the toilet.�

And on encountering Democratic congressman Barney Frank, Coulter spatted, “You’re so gay, you crap rainbow colored gerbils.â€?

Coulter was last seen near a hot dog stand on 1st and Constitution Avenue muttering “waddup banana sucking, homo pie,� at a Washington Post with President Bush on the cover. A short time later she was escorted away by Capitol Hill police. “I don’t know what her issue is,� stated one officer after receiving a mild insult of ‘doody head’ from Coulter “maybe she has Tourettes or something.�

Ann Coulter, homophobia, presidential hopefuls

So, get this one., John Travolta has been saying that Scientology could have saved Anna Nicole Smith. The hell? Why is the Travolta suddenly weighing in on this one? He was in one movie with the woman and suddenly he knows that his particular brand of crazy would have saved her life? It’s not even known yet what caused her death! And not to speak ill of the dead, but I think Anna Nicole would have just politely declined, pointing out that she had plenty of crazy to spare, thank you very much. And it’s not like anyone witnessed the Travolta or any other dianetics crazies lining up to help her when, you know, she was actually still alive and could actually still be helped. Dipshits.

(I would like to point out that also featured in the above movie were The Rock and Fred Freakin’ Durst, but I don’t see The Travolta offering to use Scientology to prevent them from making any more shitty movies or recording any more shitty songs.)

Now here is when the bedwetting liberal in me points out that people have the right to believe whatever they believe and to practice whatever religion is right for them. But what chaps my buttocks is when people use their religion to pay a lot of lip service to how it could “help” other people — people they don’t even know — with their problems. Scientology? More like Doucheotology. Shut up, Vinnie Barbarino.