Trashy Celebs

So I read the other day that Red Hot Chili Pepper’s singer Anthony Kiedis, age FORTY-FRICKIN-FOUR and his girlfriend of two years, Heather Christie, age TWENTY (yes you read that right TWENTY) are expecting a baby.

Now some of you would tell me not to be judgmental and to you I say, “I’m paid to be judgmental! I’m a celebrity blogger.” But I have to say that this grosses me out. (Not the baby. I love babies!) I just can’t imagine an 18 year old Heather bringing home Anthony Freakin’ Kiedis to meet Mom and Dad. And then announce two years later that he’s going to be her baby-daddy? Wowza.

Apparently, the song “She’s Only 18” on the Chili Pepper’s most recent album, Stadium Arcadium is about Heather, so I turned to the lyrics for some insight. I can’t say they offered too much …. the only part that made any sense to me was the first verse: she’s only 18/don’t like the Rolling Stones/She took the shortcut/To being fully grown.” And all that really tells me is … that’s she’s 18. Although the song does offer a little foreshadowing of this pregnancy with the line “I put my lovin’ in your oven.” That you did, Mr. Kiedis. That you did.

Anthony Kiedis, Heather Christie, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stadium Arcadium, She’s Only 18

First some speedy wedding planning, then an abrupt, last minute cancellation.

The New York Daily News reported Sunday that Usher and fiancee/future babymama Tameka Foster, canceled their fancy-napkins wedding just hours before it was supposed to start.

No word on if they are even still a couple. Rumors are swirling that the wedding was called off because Foster was reluctant to sign a pre-nup or because Usher’s mom did not approve of the marriage.

Either way, this is one time when Usher isn’t saying “Yeah!”

Take that, rewind it back!

Usher, Tameka Foster, Usher marriage called off, Yeah!

Former Full House star Jodie Sweetin and her enormous breasts married some dude named Cody Herpin this past weekend in Las Vegas, according to the Las Vegas Sun. This is the second marriage for Sweetin, who previously had a four-year marriage with a Los Angeles police officer. (A police officer? That must have been awkward after her addiction to methamphetamine was revealed.)

If my hazy TV memory serves me correctly, I was a rather devoted viewer of Full House even though I hated it with a passion. I do prefer the grown-up-and-snarky version of Sweetin on Fuse’s Pants Off, Dance Off — a gig that makes me fell less dirty for having noticed that little Stephanie Tanner now has enormous breasts. How rude!

Mazel Tov to the happy couple. And even though the Enquirer is reporting that they have only known each other a few weeks (and implying that this relationship could in no way last), you crazy kids might make it. Lots of solid, long-lasting relationships begin in Vegas Strip wedding chapels. Just ask Britney Spears!

Jodie Sweetin, Full House, Cory Herpin, Stephanie Tanner, Pants Off Dance Off, Jodie Sweetin Marriage

…. but it seems like some Hogwart’s first years got themselves invited to the Los Angeles premiere of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and got a little rowdy with some of their new magical education.

Star Daniel Radcliffe was struck by the Immobulus spell.

I thought I had been struck with the Rictusempra spell, when I collapsed laughing after learning that Rupert Grint (who plays Harry’s best friend, Ron) is really that guy, you know, that guy you see at every rock concert you go to, who wears the T-shirt of the band playing.

Actor Robbie Coltrane, who plays Hagrid, was hit with the Transmogrify spell, turning him into Hannah Montana star, Miley Cyrus.

Of course, one might wonder if Harry Potter co-star Emma Watson was behind the whole debacle, as she remained unaffected by the magic. Not only did she look lovely the whole evening, but she managed to snag a fifth row center seat and that last box of free popcorn. Hmmm.

Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Miley Cyrus, Robbie Coltrane, Muggles

Us folks at Trashy Celebs, well me had a clashing of lives on Saturday as Jordan Knight of New Kids on the Block fame headlined St. Louis Gay Pride. The 14 year-old Amy remembers screaming through a packed arena of hormones as NKOTB pelvic thrusted their way through a back-up track-laced set. However, that was 1988. In 2007, Jordan Knight looks good for his age but was still doing New Kids Songs and performing the same pelvic thrusts with the same amount of fervor.

As I flashed back to the ear-piercing screams of pre-adolescence, I realized I was experiencing the ear-piercing screams of a nearby drag queen. I then wondered why in the world Jordan Knight was in front of me singing Please Don’t Girl at a gay pride event in a mid-sized mid-west town. But then my friend produced another beer for me and I let it go along with my 14 year-old hopes that I would be Mrs. Jordan Knight.

Jordan Knight, New Kids on the Block, NKOTB, St. Louis Gay Pride

Ok, rant time people. First up this 1980 Rolling Stone cover is one of the most poignant, iconic images of all time. We all know the story of how it was shot by Annie Liebovitz the day John Lennon was murdered and that makes it all the more haunting and reverent.

And then there’s this.

According to the moviefone synopsis Chuck (Dane Cook) has a rep for being the guy women sleep with before meeting Mr. Right. That means tons of sex and no strings. Not a bad deal, until he meets his dream girl (Jessica Alba) — and can’t sleep with her.

Not only is one of the most original magazine covers of all time parodied for some predictable Rom-Com, we have to look at Dane Cook dry humping Jessica Alba (who looks like she’s dreaming of being in a different movie).

I really don’t have anything else to say about this other than I’m mad at Photoshop for helping to create this and I wanted to share my outrage.

Lori - at least he’s wearing underwear.

Dane Cook, Jessica Alba, Annie Liebovitz, Rolling Stone, John Lennon, Good Luck Chuck

Just when you thought it was safe to stop thinking about the Sopranos finale, Hillary Clinton and the Pittsburgh Pirates pull you back in.

In a Six Feet Under half-life I too had forgotten about the debatable ending to the Sopranos. I myself thought it was brilliant and happy to let it go after a week or so of debate. But here we are 10 days later and the parodies have begun. First we have Hillary Clinton who actually brought the funny back to political advertising with this.

Ok, pretty cool she got Johnny Sack to show up for this but did she have to bring Celion Dion into the mix? It’s like what do an open bar, getting to second base with Angelina Jolie and having your toenails pulled off with pliers have in common? Well the first two are pretty damn awesome and the last one sucks more ass than getting to second base with Dick Cheney. Lady lose the Dion, win my vote.

The second Sopranos parody is a little more obscure. In attempts to make their fans forget the team is in last place, The Pittsburgh Pirates created this little ditty.

No, that’s not Groucho Marx impersonating Mr. Potato Head, it’s a pierogie. Those two are part of PNC Park’s nightly pierogie race yet another distraction from the fact the Pirates have had 14 straight losing seasons. And I always thought starches could parallel park.

Another one of those tips your mother never taught you:

Guys, see what we have to go through?

Tyra Banks, public bathrooms, peeing

So I’m still getting over the Sopranos Finale. I was up half the night thinking about it thanks to the Television Without Pity RSS feed in my brain. No new conclusions but I found the perfect thing to snap out of it. Here’s a pic of a half nude Nicollette Sheridan and fiancée Michael Bolton.

Thanks to the fine folks at TMZ.com I’m no longer pondering if the last scene was indeed Tony’s final moments on earth or like the Journey song says “the movie never ends, it just goes on and on and on.” No, now I can’t get the image of what it’s like when an aging douche-bag man loves a woman in Italy’s Lake Como. EW, EW EWWWWWWW!

Kate Winslet, Kate Winslet, KATE WINSLET!!!!

Michael Bolton, Nicollette Sheridan, The Sopranos Finale, Kate Winslet, Television Without Pity

David Chase, you fucker, we hate how much you make us love you.

Basically, the Trash Talkers reaction to the series finale of The Sopranos went something like this:

Screen goes black and the soundtrack cuts off the Journey song “Don’t Stop Believin’” at “Don’t Stop …”

Lori & Amy: silence
silence
silence
silence
Lori: David Chase is a FUCKER!

But after Amy gave me a strong drink and an extra portion of dessert, I calmed down enough to add that David Chase, while still a fucker, is absolutely brilliant. The show couldn’t have ended any other way and I think Chase planned it from the start. Like the song says Tony goes “on and on and on and on” always looking over his shoulder for the hitman or the indictment. And sure, lots of people feel that David Chase left this all open for a movie in the future, but I bet that won’t happen … like Tony watching for the hit, we will always be watching for the Sopranos movie.

(And to think, Chase found the perfect song to end his series in the corniest Journey song ever recorded.)

In the first episode of season six, in a dream sequence, Carmela tells Adriana “I worry all the time,” and here at the ending, she’s still worried all the time. At some point Tony said to Dr. Melfi, “Is this all there is?” and here at the ending, we see that yes, this is all there is. And I myself wondered why Chase left the relationship with Dr. Melfi, one of, if not the most significant relationship in the series, with such an abrupt and unsatisfying ending. (She’s not even in the finale!) But yes, that’s how it is in “real life.”

Well played, Chase. Well played. You got me good. You gave the audience the ending that was right, even if it wasn’t the ending we thought we wanted. You are going to get a lot of crap for this ending but you don’t deserve it (and I honestly don’t think you care.) You are fucking brilliant and if I knew your email address I would write and tell you so.

But you are still a fucker.

The Sopranos, Sopranos Series Finale, HBO, David Chase, Tony Soprano, James Gandolfini, Carmella Soprano, Edie Falco, Meadow Soprano, AJ Soprano

Sometimes images cross our desk that demand attention based on their power, beauty or shear emotive genius. And then there are pictures like this one:

So what the F do you thinks going on here?

a) Music legend David Bowie and creator of the Office Ricky Gervais are staring in the summer blockbuster Schlumpy and Rex Manion Private Dicks.

b) H&M introduces its new line of “Before and After” menswear.

c) Bowie’s sexuality is so intense he was able to impregnate Gervais with just two fingers.

d) Gervais takes Bowie’s suggestion he try an XL t-shirt to heart.

e) David Bowie is about to solve the riddle of who ate the entire shrimp boat.

Or what the Friday do you think is going on here?

Ricky Gervais, David Bowie, H&M, shrimp boat

… and apparently she’s decided she can pick her friend’s nose too. On a recent episode of The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s mommy instincts kicked in as she helped Joy Behar with one of those stubborn nose barnacles. (The picking starts about a minute or so in.)

Most of us sneak off to the bathroom or our cars to deal with these, but I guess when you’re on a national syndicated television show, you don’t always have that option. Gross!

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Joy Behar, booger, nose picking, The View

One of the more peculiar faces in the crowd at Tuesday’s Country Music Awards was the King of Crunk himself, Lil Jon. Seen here with Cowboy Troy, Big Kenny Alphin and John Rich, a visit to Lil Jon’s website shed a little light on his seemingly out of place appearance. An entry dated April 24th states (and we’re not making this up)

2 ALL MY COUNTRY WESTERN FANS I DID A REMIX FOR MY BOYS BIG AND RICH FOR A JOINT ON THERE NEW ALBUM!! ITS FUCKIN OUTTA HERE. SHIT I CANT THINK OF NOTHIN ELSE ILL HOLLA AT YALL MOTHERFUCKERS NXT WEEK!! IM OUT SKEEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKERS!!

The mystery may have ended there but we dug a little deeper at Jon’s label BME Recordings and discovered something truly disturbing. Apparently Jon is at the forefront of an underground Hip-Hop Country movement that’s planning to emerge this summer. A selection of songs to be released include: Forever and Ever Since I seen an ass so Fine, Amen; Don’t it Make my Brown Eyes Blue. Don’t it?; Shorty Wanna Ride my Rhinestone Cowboy; When the Sun Go Down my Dick go up; I’m Gonna Miss her but I still Fuck her Roommate (Skeet, Skeet remix); I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow but I still love the Chronic and the soon to be a classic Chattahoochee? That White Gurl need to Shut her Damn Face.

Will this be the emergence of a new era of music or a blip on the pop culture trivia boards? Only time will tell Skeeet, Skeet, Skeet!

Lil Jon, Big and Rich, Cowboy Troy, Skeet Skeet, Rap music, Country Music Awards, Big Kenny Alphin, King of Crunk

Okay, so it seems that Criss Angel is some sort of wicked cool amazing magician because this past weekend he apparently turned Robin Leach (left) into Cameron Diaz.

Sources say that Angel and “Cameron Diaz” were seen dining together Monday night in Las Vegas before attending a performance of Cirque du Soleil’s Love, based on the songs of the Beatles. The two “met” the previous Saturday at the VH-1 Rock Honors (and what either of them were doing THERE, I do not know. I guess anyone who has slept with a musician or uh, listened to music, gets an invite to that one) before partying along with “Cameron Diaz’” friend and perpetual wingman, Drew Barrymore at the Jet Nightclub. Apparently Angel’s sorcery was so good even Barrymore didn’t recognize her best friend was actually the former host of television’s Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

At midnight Monday, Diaz turned back into Robin Leach, then went to the airport to fly back to Obscuretown.

Authorities are planning to contact Minnie Driver, previously linked with Angel, to see if she was actually dating him or if he really went on all those dates with a magically transformed Wayne Brady.

Criss Angel, Cameron Diaz, Robin Leach, Drew Barrymore, Mind Freak, Cirque du Soleil, VH-1 Rock Honors, Jet Nightclub, Minne Driver, Wayne Brady

Who doesn’t love a fat guy? A fat guy with cheap porn, even better. According to the Best Week Ever blog, Subway spokesman Jared Fogel was known for something a bit naughtier during his Indiana University days. Apparently Fogel ran a very lucrative porno rental biz out of his dorm room that offered an extensive collection of naughtiness.

For only a dollar a day, horny dorm dwellers would come from all over campus to take advantage of Fogel’s value menu. No word if a free cookie was included with that.

Jared Fogel, Subway, pornography, porn, porn rental, cheap porn, free cookie