Trashy Celebs

Charles Barkley is going to jail! Are you stunned? I am not stunned. And it was for a truly stupid reason. I mean, anyone arrested for DUI is stupid. No, anyone driving under the influence is stupid, even if they don’t get caught. But not only was Mr. Barkley stupid for driving drunk, he was driving drunk for a dumb-ass reason: he was in a hurry to get a blow job. A blow job! Mr. Barkley, you are not a virginal 15-year-old boy! There is no reason to be so desperate!

And I am guessing after all this stupidity, Mr. Barkley ended up at home alone and unsatisfied that night. Smarten up, Mr. Barkley! You can only ride on your athletic fame so long, and then you are just another overweight washed up sports star who did something truly dumb and ended up in jail.

I quit watching Heroes after the first season, so I had totally forgotten about this couple, but I was reminded today when I found out the crushing news that they had split up. Unusually named Heroes stars Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia broke up due to “lifestyle differences,” according to US Magazine. Lifestyle differences? What does that mean? He likes Radiohead and she likes Coldplay? He drinks Coke and she likes Pepsi? Starbucks vs. Dunkin Donuts? Seriously? Lifestyle difference?

US Magazine gave a little more information about what this means, basically that Hayden is young and likes to go out and party hardy while Milo is an old man and likes to stay at home with his Netflix queue. Considering that Hayden was seen making out with Disney star Jesse McCartney and Milo has not been seen making out with Jesse McCartney, I guess there is indeed a lifestyle difference there. Personally, I think Hayden and Milo just had too many fights over which one is prettier.

Well, who didn’t see this one coming? You’d think maybe a blind person might not have seen it coming, but actually I heard this from a guy who was waiting for the bus with a seeing-eye dog*, so yes, even people who can’t see saw this coming. Apparently, Sarah Jessica Parker, star of stage and Girls Just Want to Have Fun is moving out of her home with hubster Ferris Bueller Matthew Broderick and is looking for her own place in a real life Sex and the City episode.

It seems the marriage has been on the rocks for a bit because Ferris has been stepping out on Carrie with a younger …. wait, what? Woman? A younger woman? Well color me stunned on that one. I thought for sure all this moving out by Sarah Jessica was just the preview to the main event: Matthew coming out of the closet. Oh well, gaydar can’t be right every time!

*I did not hear this from a blind guy at the bus stop. I stopped taking the bus because it is always late. I read it in Star magazine.

My completely unreasonable and unfounded fake internet celebrity feud continues as I report on this little tidbit about celebrity douchbag and bluesman John Mayer:

JOHN MAYER should brace himself for a furious showdown with on/off lover JENNIFER ANISTON, after telling PINK he only sleeps with “really stupid women”.

The feisty pop singer argued bitterly with lothario rocker John at a recent party after he made his outrageous comments to her.
Pink was so appalled by John’s wild sex claim, and his odd personality in general, she’s named him as her most hated celebrity.
She recalled: “I got into an argument with him.
“I don’t believe him as much as he believes him. He said something along the lines of, ‘I only shag really stupid women.’
“And I said, ‘I guess they would have to be.’ I don’t get him at all.”
And if that cutting comeback didn’t silence John, Jen’s enraged response surely will.

Actually, I don’t really agree with him on that one because I don’t think that Jennifer Aniston is stupid. I mean obviously, I don’t really know her at all, so she could be dumb as a stone, but she seems like a nice person and she once slept with Brad Pitt so she wasn’t dumb back then. But I do think in general that girls who sleep with a guy who would say something like that (especially to another woman) are kinda dumb or at least have some shaky self-esteem. And I think that guys who say crap like that deserve to have a ten-year dry spell and to have their asses kicked by the likes of Pink.

No one is going to argue with me on this one, are you? Two creepy male celebrities (or, you might argue, one creepy guy and one sad-and-now-creepy guy) and two older legends of entertainment who are now just fodder for the tabloids. Sad, isn’t it? And still, I can’t help but think that this picture has been blow up to wall size and is hanging on some cell walls in Guantanamo Bay. Torture isn’t just physical, you know.

Just think about it though: that picture was at some point framed in Liza and David’s living room. There was a copy in their wedding album that they looked at in happier days. Elizabeth Taylor probably had a copy hanging on a bathroom wall. Michael Jackson probably even had one hanging in Bubbles’ bedroom. Then Liza had to collect them all and throw them off the roof or something. But thanks to the internet, the most terrifying celebrity photo ever taken will exist for all eternity.

As usual, the National Enquirer is wandering into areas best left alone. Lately, they’ve been talking smack about poor Lance Armstrong, who recently has come out of retirement to race in the Tour de France again, to talk about, of all things, his sex life, or perhaps the lack thereof. Really, does anyone who isn’t sleeping with him, is no longer sleeping with him, or will never, ever sleep with him, really need to be thinking, writing, or talking about this?

LANCE ARMSTRONG NO SEX GOD

Biking bed champ Lance Armstrong doesn’t think he’s God’s gift to women.

Armstrong who’s bedded a bevy of beauties including Kate Hudson, Sheryl Crow and Tory Burch is still good to go despite a bout with testicular cancer.

Yet the Seven time Tour de France winner doesn’t consider himself a sex god.

“I had sex if I had the energy,” Lance confided to Men’s Journal.

“I wasn’t one of those guys who believed in the myths about the guy losing his chi.

“The fact is that if you are riding your bike six, seven hours a day, you are not a sex champion. You’re just not. You have fatigue, low testosterone and a lower libido,” Armstrong admitted.

Maybe that explains the revolving doors in Lance’s boudoir.

Give the guy a break! He’s only got one testicle! He rides a bike 75 hours a week! He probably smells bad when he gets off his bike! And since when does an athlete has to be a sex god? Since never, that is when. Leave the sex god stuff for Hollywood!

Say it isn’t true! For some reason this is really bumming me out. Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have split up! I don’t know why I care. I mean, I don’t know them at all and I don’t watch their shows (I tried to watch the Sarah Silverman Show but it really wasn’t that funny.) But for some reason I am really sorry that these two crazy kids couldn’t make it work.

I think I liked them because they are two regular looking people who seemed to have a sort of regular relationship and who liked each other and supported each other and weren’t caught up in Hollywood crap.

People Magazine named them its Funniest Couple Alive this year. What happens with that now that they have broken up? Is there a runner up couple in line for this award? Who could be next? Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert? James Carville and Mary Matalin? Larry King and, uh …. never mind.

And I can’t help but to point out that I am NOT making the obvious joke, which involves the famous viral videos these two produced, involving a joke about implied physical relationships with a couple of famous movie start people who wrote and starred together in one of my favorite movies, Good Will Hunting. Every other damn celebrity blogger out there is making that joke and I am trying to prove myself different and not a lemming, although I do know that pointing it out makes me less than cool. Whatever, I am self-promoting. Deal with it.

Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel

Wow, Clay Aiken has sperm! Who knew? I mean, I didn’t even think he had testicles. He’s a fine enough singer, I guess, and his apparently holding his own on Broadway but I never really thought about him doing anything like fathering a child (or rather, in this case, providing some of the necessary ingredients to do so). It’s just such a manly thing to do, and Clay Aiken has a hairstyle a lot like my second cousin Cheryl, who just got a job as a flight attendant for Continental Airlines. I’m just saying.

Rumor has it that the Aiken is helping his “best friend,” one Jaymes Foster, to become a mother. The 50-year old Foster has produced a couple of Aiken’s albums, so he is returning the favor and producing her first child. Sounds like …. an unfair trade to me.

I do have to wonder if Aiken was really Foster’s first choice to be her Baby Daddy. I mean, Clay Aiken is not our American Idol, even though he is arguably more famous that anyone else from that show. He didn’t even win his season! America did not choose him as their Idol, so I wonder why Foster chose him as Daddy. Perhaps Ruben Studdard was unavailable. Or maybe Ruben WAS Foster’s first choice in the American Idol Baby Daddy competition and received all the telephone and text messaging votes, but somehow Aiken snuck in with his goofy white boy looks and Breck Girl hair and somehow ended up more successful, with a spot as Father of the Year, while poor Ruben Studdard is just that lonely great-uncle that no one ever remembers to invite for Thanksgiving dinner.

So the chatter on the internets is that Tony Romo has gone free agent, leaving poor Jessica Simpsom, as the third-string quarterback of his heart. What does that mean? I’m not sure, other than the fact that someone needs to stick a fork in these two, ‘cause they are done.

I wonder the Dallas Cowboys or the NFL or heck, even the State of Texas required Romo to dump ole Jessica, since she brought all that embarrassment to the team after she caused them to lose the Super Bowl. Because we all know that had nothing to do with poor coaching or a quarterback who chokes under pressure or an opposing team that just played better. No, it’s all the fault of a second-rate singer/dumb-blond-playing reality star with an overbearing father. Jeez, State of Texas, suck it up. It’s just a football game.

Personally, I have to wonder if Simpson dumped Romo after hearing this:

Carrie Underwood & Chace Crawford Split

Carrie Underwood and Chace Crawford have split, sources confirm to Usmagazine.com.

The American Idol winner, 25, and the Gossip Girl star, 22, had been dating since last July, but did not go public with their romance until October.

Underwood had spent Thanksgiving at his parents’ home in Dallas and part of her Christmas break with his relatives.

An insider told Us Weekly in December, “His parents are fond of her… they believe ‘Carrie Crawford’ would be a great addition to the family!”

“She’s a classy girl,” Crawford told Us in October.

Rumors linking Crawford to buddy JC Chasez sparked Chasez to tell Kiss-FM 104.7 Wednesday, “For the record, we’re both straight. We’re not dating.”

Underwood’s rep was not available for comment; Crawford’s declined to comment.

Wow, Carrie Underwood finds herself single again. I wonder what happened this time. Maybe we will get a country western song about it, ala “Before He Cheats”? Except I don’t even know if Carrie Underwood wrote that, so maybe I shouldn’t be looking to her next album for clarification. But I have to say, I thought that Underwood could do better than the failed Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo and I certainly think she can do better than some pretty boy on a TV show no one has ever heard of. And if Chace Crawford feels the need to go on the radio and announce and he is not gay and that he is not dating JC Chasez, then I have to think he probably is and that they probably are.

Carrie Underwood, Chace Crawford, JC Chasez, Tony Romo

Wow, I have to say, this, to me, is even creepier than finding out that Clay Aiken IS dating. Apparently the American Idol runner-up has no interest in dating or having sex and has basically shut down his sexual drive.

From New York Magazine:

Aiken says that it’s not just clubs but also bars he dislikes: “The only reason people go to bars is to get drunk and have sex. To me, bars are what hell is like.�?

He imagines his social life here will be “nonexistent, really. I’m not a nighttime person.�? He does not plan on dating, and he is not involved with anyone. “Heck, no,�? he says. “My dogs.�? He has never had a romantic relationship with anyone, unless you count the girls he took to dances back in high school in Raleigh. “I just don’t have an interest in … any of that at all. I have got too much on my plate,�? he says. “I’d rather focus on one thing and do that when I can devote time to it, and right now, I just don’t have any desire.�?

But Aiken is 29 years old and he is also a human. Surely he must have needs. Urges. He contemplates this in silence for 20 or 30 seconds. “Ah think maybe I don’t! I mean, not really. I’ve just kind of shut it off, maybe. Is that bad?�?

Now I would think that most people, at some point or another, have speculated about the sex lives of some celebrity or another. (In fact, I would think that some people are obsessed with it and some people have made a living writing about it on the internet or talking about it on television.) But I feel extremely creeped out when I read “Clay Aiken” and “sexual urges” in the same sentence. I have nothing against Aiken — I watched most of the season of American Idol that he was on and I think he’s a fine singer, even though he doesn’t sing the type of music I am into. And I think I have poked some fun at him in these pages with the occasional YouTube video.

But something about this story is just sort of creepy to me …. creepy and sad. I just makes me wonder if he is lonely or if the rumors that he trolls the internet for gay sex are true or if he really is just happy in his solitary life.

So much of celebrity gossip revolves around who’s sleeping with who, marrying who, or making out with Jordan Catilano at Sundance (talking to you Paris Hilton). Part of our mission at Trashy Celebs is to reward people who strive to uphold the moral fiber of this great country by not having sex. Take Lenny Kravitz for instance. Lenny has been linked to many a lady over the years but his dong is taking a break from dinging according to a recent interview with Maxim magazine.

About giving up on sex Kravitz said “(It’s) just a promise I made until I get married. Where I’m at in life, the women have got to come with something else, not just the body, but the mind and spirit. It usually trips them out, but that’s the way it’s going to be. I’m looking at the big picture.”

Wow, maybe he’s reached a really spirital place where he feels enlightened enough to do away with carnal pleasure and just be. That or he’s been listening to We Don’t Have to Take our Clothes off (To Have a Good Time) by Jermaine Stewart one to many times.

Do you have that song stuck in your head now? Your welcome.

Another member of our chastity bashtity is none other that Hannah Montana herself Miley Cyrus. Cyrus is featured in this month’s issue of Us Weekly in a story about the new wave of young actresses who don’t party, drink, or sleep around. Boring!

Ok, we were totally kidding about all the moral crap we said early. If not for all those celebs going on drunken rants or making out with potted plants we’d have nothing to write about. Also I’m kind of glad that Miley Cyrus is saying she doesn’t party or drink because she’s 15 for fuck’s sake! When I was 15 my idea of a crazy night was mixing all the soda flavors together at Roy Rodgers. Call me crazy!

Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana, Lenny Kravitz, Roy Rodgers