Trashy Celebs

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Page Six must have run out of interesting gossip (or maybe was looking for any story not involving the word Spears) because they are reporting that Lord of the Rings dreamboat and current ugly-mustache sporter Orlando Bloom has annoyed his Hollywood Hills neighbors by — and sit down, because this is simply shocking — painting his house, his very own house, purchased with his very own money — black. Black, people! Oh the horrors. Sheesh.

Now I just purchased a house myself, so maybe I am a bit more sensitive to the issue, but if one of my nosy neighbors tried to tell me what color I can or can’t paint it, I’d tell them to pound sand. Fortunately, my new house is brick, so that isn’t an issue. (And if any of my new neighbors are reading this, please know that I am all talk and no action.) But to my knowledge, Scarlett Johansson and Charlize Theron (two of Bloom’s allegedly annoyed neighbors) are not among my neighbors, so maybe that makes all the difference.

Orlando Bloom, Scarlett Johansson, Charlize Theron

Current ER actor John Stamos had an all-too-close-for-comfort encounter with a female passenger aboard a flight from Chicago to Los Angeles on Monday. Reportedly a female passenger got her full house all up in Stamos’s business class (actually first class) seat and shook him awake.

The actor told the woman he was tired and wanted to go back to sleep and she reportedly shook him again. When Stamos got up to use the restroom, the woman said she would sit in his seat until he came back, but when Stamos tried to return to his seat, the woman reportedly hit him in the hand over and over. Flight attendants tried to intervene, and asked the crazy lady to return to her seat and Stamos switched seats himself but apparently that wasn’t enough. The woman began carrying on, making a scene and made additional threats to Uncle Jesse.

According to reports, police and FBI were waiting at LAX when the plane landed and took statements from all those involved, however, Stamos did not press charges. Aww forgiving Stamos. Also according to the source, the woman’s children were in Chicago filming scenes for “ER” as well. Interesting.

Hmm, besides from being a complete nut job, maybe the woman was trying to get revenge on Stamos for making such crappy TV as Jake in Progress, Thieves and playing the drums in the Kokomo video. (What the frack was that about?) Or possibly it was a cleverly disguised Jodie Sweetin attempting to make a name for herself beyond Pants Off Dance Off. The world will never know…or quickly forget this ever happened.

Jodie Sweetin, John Stamos, Pants Off Dance Off, Full House, ER

Despite finishing in fifth place for losers (otherwise known as sixth place) on the fifth season of American Idol, Pickler’s music career hasn’t ended. She signed a record deal and has been touring, has performed at the legendary Grand Ole Opry and on the Country Music Awards. But she’s found another use for these public performances; not only are they good for connecting with fans and promoting her music, but for jealous, angry rages as well:

Kellie Pickler may have trouble with big-city cuisine, but the American Idol star knows how to handle a cheat. According to The Tennessean, the 21-year-old country singer told fans at a concert on October 1 that she and Nashville Predators player Jordin Tootoo were through. “Jordin knows what he did,” she said ominously.

At a September 22 show in Michigan, concertgoers say that Pickler announced that her new theme song is Carrie Underwood’s Before He Cheats, and then added that she hoped Tootoo’s teeth would be knocked out during a hockey game.

Despite her jokes, however, fans thought Pickler was in pain over the end of her 8-month-long relationship with Tootoo — she cried while singing Didn’t You Know How Much I Loved You.

Go girl! Call him out on stage! But why did she stop there? Why didn’t she tell the world that in addition to being a dirty cheater, he also has bad breath and a small penis? And plays hockey for a team that nobody has heard of and no one cares about and might get sold anyway? Why didn’t she announce that he wears women’s underwear under his uniform and that he cried his eyes out when they watched The Notebook? The woman is standing onstage with a captive audience and a microphone in her hand, and all she can come up with is that she hopes his teeth get knocked out?

I have to wonder though, when she was standing onstage venting about her cheatin’, hockey playin’, bad breath and small penis havin’ boyfriend, if she was contractually obligated to use a reference to another American Idol contestant and or his/her song. I mean, was it really that much of a coincidence that it was Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” that she mentioned? And the song is “Before” not “After He Cheats I’m Going to Get Onstage and Tell the World that He Has a Season Pass for The View on His Tivo.”

Fox is apparently developing a sitcom starring Pickler as a character based on herself, so she’ll have many more chances to publicly trash talk potential suitors, rude DMV employees, bad sushi chefs, and incompetent limo drivers in the future. Right on!

Kellie Pickler, American Idol, Nashville Predators, Jordin Tootoo, Carrie Underwood, Before He Cheats, The View

I think sometimes I miss out on a lot not living in New York or LA. For instance I’m not near an ocean so not so great seafood. We don’t get first run theatre out here, nor are there drunken celebrities who could show up at a bar and be obnoxious in person. Situation in point, Vince Vaughn and his optical epidermal fun bags treated an LA Bar Crowd to an impromptu Elvis impersonation at The Bordello Club recently.

An eyewitness said: “After the rockabilly band finished a song, Vince must have decided that everyone was dying to hear him sing! He suddenly climbed on stage and talked to a band member off to the side, then grabbed the microphone and announced, ‘I’m gonna do an Elvis song!’ Everyone was excited at first since Vince is a celebrity.

“He started singing ‘Little Sister’, but he was off key and seemed to stumble through the lyrics. The regular crowd was not impressed at all. They actually started booing halfway through the song, and when he was through, one guy yelled out, ‘Hey Vince - don’t quit your day job!’ “

Sweet. I want to be able to heckle drunk stars when they decide to treat me to their musical stylings. The closest I get is when I put a tiny fez on my pug and get her to perform the best of Engelbert Humperdinck…although that only seems to happen after I’m drunk so yeah, I really have no comparison.

Vince Vaughn, Elvis, The Bortello Club, drunk

People magazine is reporting that rapper Foxy Brown has turned herself in to police to face charges that she wacked her neighbor in the head with a Blackberry cell phone.

The New York Police Department says the trouble-prone rapper, who is on probation, was accused of hitting her 25-year-old neighbor during an argument on July 30. The victim filed a complaint with the police after reportedly receiving treatment for loose teeth, a swollen lip and swelling of her right eye.

So what’s up with celebrities hitting folks with stuff that COSTS SO MUCH MONEY? Further proof that many famous people have money to throw away. I mean, I know what would be “a lot” to a regular person is really different to a celebrity, but come on! Whenever I decide to smack my neighbor in the head, I do it with something cheap or free, like a library book or somebody’s else’s cell phone.

In Foxy’s defense, however, this is the first time she’s hit someone with high-priced electronics. Previously, she hit an employee at a nail salon with a bottle of glue, which, presumably costs less than a Blackberry.

Foxy Brown, Foxy Brown charged, Foxy Brown blackberry

Country singer Tim McGraw was born with balls, but his wife, singer Faith Hill, grew a set herself this weekend and called out a fan she spotted getting a little too handsy with her husband during a show on their Soul2Soul tour. Apparently the fan was cupping more than her beer after McGraw approached the crowd to greet some of his fans. Hill practically peed all over McCraw (and his balls) as she got ALL up in the fan’s grill:

Somebody needs to teach you some class, my friend. You don’t go grabbin’ somebody else’s - somebody’s husband’s balls, you understand me? That’s very disrespectful.

The best part? Hill never stops dancing during that little speech. That’s professionalism. I would point out that maybe someone also needs to teach Faith Hill some class, as yelling “balls” into a microphone in an arena that isn’t currently hosting a sporting event is itself not the epitome of class. But I won’t do that because after watching the video, I’m actually afraid Faith Hill might cut me.

Video below, provided by the always reliable TMZ.

Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Soul2Soul, somebody’s husband’s balls

The month of April is sending me a kickin’ goodbye gift with three wonderful stories that I swear I didn’t make up.

Eat your Beans with every meal

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First off, Hugh “Liz won’t blow me” Grant gets arrested in London for hurling a container of baked beans at a paparazzo. The actor “allegedly” kicked photographer Ian Whittaker three times as Whittaker attempted to photograph him near his west London home. Grant then got all Mickey Blue Eyes meets B&M and hurls some baked beans at ‘em slathering the photographer in a gooey mess. Not to be predicting anything but if Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason is any indication, Grant’s career is in the same predicament.

What it Feels Like to be an Ex-View Girl
Then Tyra Banks gets her grope-on with a honk-honk shout-out to Rosie O’Donnell. The best part is Rosie shoving Tyra away. Awww, Kelly gonna be jealous y’all!

The only thing that could make the end of my month even better is if the President could put the “white” back in White House with an awkward display of dance.

Sweeet!

Hugh Grant, Baked Beans, Tyra Banks, Rosie O’ Donnell, The View, President Bush

Bursting out of Milan and onto the New York Custodial Arts scene, international supermodel Naomi Campbell reported for day one of her community service. Donning high-heeled Christian Louboutin ankle boots, a flowing black pea coat and Antonio Berardi-inspired hat, Campbell sashayed into the Manhattan District 3 Garage at Pier 36 on the East River yesterday morning.

“This look is truly inspiring to all sanitation employees and community service workers alike,” remarked fashion iconoclast Andre Leon Tally. “The oversized monochrome jumpsuits and orange reflecting vests are so limiting. Where’s the ‘I’ in those outfits?”

However not everyone was pleased with the new look. “I can see how the black is meant to be sliming,” said NYC public school custodian Marco Dinelli of his new uniform. “But when some kid pukes there just ain’t enough room to hold all the sawdust required to clean it up. Maybe someone needs a blackberry thrown at their head to smack some sense back into ‘em.”

The custodial fashion world is promised more looks later in the week, featuring evening clean-up wear and the ever popular swimsuit line to be modeled near an oil slick on Jones Beach.

Naomi Campbell, community service