Trashy Celebs

We live in a society where every little thing celebrities do, say, think and apparently expel from their bodies is reported on Ad nauseam. Take Kelly Clarkson for instance. Kelly is kind of nastified and isn’t afraid to admit it.

In a new interview, the American Idol winner admits to both peeing in the shower and checking the tissue to see what color her snot is. Tasty, so does that mean Little Ms. Independent has a lil’ bit of incontinence? Sorry, low blow.

So how did this bit of info come up? We have Blender magazine to thank because for some reason, they quizzed Kelly on whether she feels that washing and urinating are best done separately, she told them: “Anybody who says they don’t [pee in the shower] is lying.”

And on the sticky subject of boogers she muses, “I mean, if you have a cold, you have to check, to see how sick you are.” Ok, we’ll giver her that.

According to Kelly, the over sharing is all part of her special charm. “It’s not like people look at me as unattainable, some kind of star like that,” she told the April issue of the magazine. “People love the ‘real’ factor that’s involved, I think.” Yes Kelly that is keeping it real, real gross.

Be sure to watch out for Kelly’s new album hitting stores next week featuring the singles Since you’ve been gone I’ve been wiping boogers on the couch, The Trouble with Love is it’s hard to find someone to pop your backne and Because of you I can Poop in public.

So Katy Perry packed up her one hit and traveled overseas to the Brit Awards where she was the winner of the “Best International Female” honor. But the excitement must have been a little too much for her because supposedly right after walking offstage with her little British statue, she puked her annoying American guts. I wonder what happened? Did she hear her own song AGAIN? Did she have yet another annoying interviewer ask to kiss her? Did she read on the gossip columns that the internets think she is dating Paris Hilton’s sloppy seconds? Or was she just doing what ever she could to stretch her 15 annoying minutes of fame out a little bit longer? Yes, I admit that “I Kissed a Girl” was catchy, for about five minutes, but I have since deleted it from my iPod and wouldn’t mind if I never heard it again.

I bet everyone out there hasn’t been thinking much about how the problems with the economy have affected Hollywood, particularly movie and television stars. Even worse, I bet none of you have considered how the Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme. (I am sure that this should not make me think of Henry Winkler and Happy Days.) Have you considered the famous, rich people? And you thought about the movie stars? I admit, I had not. I was mostly worried about the non-profits and the foundations that lost their entire endowments. How could I have been so inconsiderate?

But here is a celebrity brave enough to come forward with his tragic story. Kevin Bacon and his wife, actress Kyra Sedgewick were among the celebrities taken in by Bernie and his crazy-ass investment scheme. Everybody, you better keep watching The Closer because Kyra is the only one bringin’ home the bacon these days (haw haw haw.)

What is it about smelly celebrities that fascinates the entertainment media so much? I mean, I guess it has something to do with how the media likes to on one had make celebrities out as superhuman and better than the rest of us mere smelly mortals and then on the other hand, likes to knock those celebrities right off the pedestal they put them on in the first place. Brad Pitt is gorgeous and a nice guy and does a lot for charity! Oh, and he smells! Zack Efron is a super cute teen idol and in the most successful Disney franchise! He also doesn’t wash up after he plays basketball!

And the Pretty Woman herself, Julia Roberts? Apparently the ubiquitous “former employee” is reporting that the actress and mother of three frequently goes “long periods” without taking a shower. ZOMG! A celebrity that stinks! That makes me feel so much better about myself! Sheesh. Next the media will be telling us which celebrities have smelly dogs, cars that smell like french fries, breath that smells like coffee and cigarettes, and shoes that smell like expensive cheese.

More Disney controversy! Vanessa Hudgens may have been labeled a dirty girl for those naked photos that landed on the internet some time last year, but it seems like pretty-boy Zac Efron is a dirty boy for reals. According to the ever reliable Star Magazine pretty Mr. Efron doesn’t so much go for the showering, or the use of traditional basic hygienic materials like soap or shampoo.

Pretty boy Zac Efron is a guy who prides himself on his good looks. But the High School Musical actor does not bother so much with personal hygiene!

“Zac isn’t a big fan of showering,” a set insider tells Star.

The 20-year-old heartthrob even admitted to friends that he often goes days without washing thoroughly.

“It’s so gross, because Zac loves to work out and plays basketball all the time — and then goes days without showering. When he gets lazy, he likes to clean himself with baby wipes!”

Wonder what gal pal Vanessa Hudgens thinks about that.

Well. Well. I just ……. DAMN. Baby wipes? Baby wipes? Zac, those are for babies, who tend not to work out and spend lots of time playing basketball and sweating like bloody fools. You are ultra-popular amongst the tween set (I should know, I have nieces in your demographic) and I have heard those kids yell “EW GROSS!” at the slightest notice of something funky or foul. (Most recently it was “ew! elephant poop!” when we got within about one mile of the zoo.) And you don’t want to alienate all those girls who get their parents to buy the DVDs and the CDs and the magazines and the movie tickets, so TAKE A DAMN SHOWER ALREADY. And stay away from Axe Body Spray.

Zac Efron, High School Musical, Axe Body Spray

Seriously, I’m worried.

Could someone get her a sandwich? And some shampoo? And possibly a tetanus shot? But mostly the sandwich because look at the poor skinny girl trying to eat a microphone:

Maybe bring her a nice healthy salad as well or maybe an apple or some edamame. And a glass of milk. And a bowl of soup. And some potato chips because I have a feeling she needs the salt. Then get her to take a nice hot shower and bundle up on a big fluffy robe and eat some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Then take a nice long nap.

OH NO! WE ARE TOO LATE!

Juliette Lewis

April 7, 2008 — DANE Cook isn’t only despised by other comedians and the public in general, he’s now hated by his Los Angeles neighbors. Cook is at war with the owners of the West Hollywood apartment complex where he lives for not picking up after his dog, Beast. “Neither he nor his girl friend pick up after the dog,” said a source. “They’ve sent him three notices so far over the last year warning him he’ll be evicted, and they have video. The neighbors all hate him.” The landlord has now filed a complaint in court. “Dane vigorously denies the allegations in the complaint and is looking forward to complete vindication through the legal proceedings,” said his rep Ina Treciokas. Another source said “a number of witnesses” will come for ward to speak on Cook’s behalf if the case goes to trial. Last week, we wrote that Cook won a contest for being “The Unfunniest Comic” in America and that he made diva demands during the filming of his TBS World Series baseball commercials last year.

Well we already knew that Dane Cook makes crappy movies, and now Page 6 lets us know that he makes for a crappy yard too. I wonder what pisses the neighbors off more, that Dane Cook lives next door or that he doesn’t pick up after his dog. I mean, I might pick a neighbor who leaves poop all over the yard over a neighbor that is Dane Cook, but maybe that is just me.

I just feel sorry for the dog. I mean, first, his name is “Beast,” which: dumb. And second, he has to live with Dane Cook, which: dumb. I hope at least Dane Cook takes all that money he’s made from bad movies and overrated comedy specials and buys the GOOD dog food. Although if he made that much money, you’d think he could afford a dog walker (who would pick up the poop) or one of those services that come and clean your yard for you. So not only is Dane Cook a bad neighbor, but he’s cheap too. I wonder if it is true that these neighbors have video of Dane and the offensive poop and how long it will be before that shit ends up on YouTube. Frankly, I think it just goes to show how stinky of a comedian Cook is? I mean all this controversy over … not cleaning up after his dog? Shouldn’t we have expected something more creative from a funny guy? Or at least something that had him running around naked or drunk or both? Instead, just more disappointment.

I just wish that Los Angeles would write him a citation for the shitty movies. But if they did that for him, I guess they’d have to do so for 87% of Hollywood as well.

Dane Cook, dog poop

Well, it seems that the Trash Talkers are the last to hear this one: Apparently Tyra Banks pooped herself at fashion week. Seriously, internets, why am I the last to know about this? My grandma even knew about it and she’s not even online! I don’t know how I missed this one, but even though it is slightly old news, I’m not going to miss out on the chance to use “Tyra Banks” and “pooped herself” in the same sentence.

I hope she wasn’t wearing that outfit when it happened. Those stains would be forever!

Anyway, every single website on the internet, including my banking website, Ron Paul’s site, and the Chronicle of Higher Education are posting this excerpt from the blog of one Fabian Basabe, who was covering fashion week for some newspaper or magazine or something. Who cares? He saw Tyra poop herself!

i arranged to do it backstage at the tents in the w suite. Just when I start getting comfortable and ready, a group of madmen and madwomen storm in and take possession of the suite because… ready?… Tyra Banks messed herself and needed to change. Now, let’s break this down: messing oneself should not happen if you are older that 5 or younger than 90. if it happens and in fact you are older than 5 or younger that 90, then it should be one, single, very unfortunate episode which will bound you to be made fun of forever and you can’t complain about it. Now I would like to bring to your attention that Tyra’s people carried a change of clothes for her at NYC fashion week. Hmmmh… could it be that Tyra messed herself before? or just that her entourage is so organized that in case tyra would ever, maybe, possibly mess herself that one time, they have a change of clothes? I don’t know…”

I really don’t think it is all that surprising that Tyra’s people had a change of clothes on hand for her. I mean, it was at fashion week which is allegedly all about clothes, so why wouldn’t a famous former fashion model consider a change of clothes halfway through? And if they do just carry around a change of clothes for her because she has a habit of pooping herself in public places (or even private places) then we should all be envious that she has such great people, who clean her up and give her fresh panties, instead of calling every single person they have ever met in their entire lives to tell them that their boss poops herself at fashion week, and oh, yeah, their boss just happens to be Tyra Banks.

Listen to books on your Apple iPod.

Tyra Banks, fashion week, Fabian Basabe, Ron Paul

From the National Enquirer:

TIME TO QUIT

ON TOP OF OLD SMOKEY DEPT.: It’s hard for anyone to imagine gorgeous KATHERINE HEIGL getting kicked out of bed – except for Katherine herself! The “Grey’s Anatomy�? beauty’s telling pals she fears new hubby JOSH KELLEY might actually kick her out of their bedroom if she doesn’t quit puffing – even though she’s smokin’ hot! Katherine’s failed several tries to snuff butts for good, but now the stacked smokestack’s trying a controversial lozenge of dissolvable tobacco called Ariva that’s minty and the size of a tic tac. The company calls it odor-free, mess-free, spit-free – and no secondhand smoke. “I really want to stop,�? she told a pal. “My husband thinks smoking stinks – and I think it sucks!�?

Yuck! You don’t really hear that much about celebrity smokers anymore, do you? In fact, it seems like quite a few of them must go out of their way to avoid being photographed with a cigarette hanging out of their mouths. (Being photographed pissy-faced drunk is another story all together.) I wonder if it’s true that Josh Kelley is considering kicking his new wife out of the bedroom due to the smoke … although one would hope she’d at least step out on the balcony before lighting up. But I wouldn’t blame him if he did banish her to the couch. The only worse smell than cigarette smoke is stale cigarette smoke. Just ask anyone who has tried to wear the same clothes to work that they wore to the bar the night before.

I’m with Josh Kelly on this one. There are a few celebrities out there that I sure wouldn’t kick out of bed for eating crackers, but I gotta say that I would kick them all out for smoking.

Kathrine Heigl, Josh Kelly, cigarettes, smoking

What do Heath Ledger and our dog Muriel have in common? Well, yes, they are both cute, but that’s not what I am talking about. And no, it’s not that they have both made out with Jake Gyllenhaal. Apparently, at times, they are both sort of smelly.

Heath Ledger disgusted fellow subway passengers in New York at the weekend with his “unwashed” stench, it has been claimed.

The ‘Brokeback Mountain’ star was spotted carrying his two-year-old daughter Matilda through a station during Thanksgiving weekend, and commuters who crossed his path insist he was giving off an unpleasant smell.

One onlooker said: “He was pushing past the crowds on a staircase and I got quite a whiff. He smelled pretty unwashed!”

Heath - who split from Matilda’s mother Michelle Williams in the summer - was wearing red-framed sunglasses, an oversize lilac knitted hat and a fleece-lined jacket, which passengers also claim needed a good wash.

The witness added to America’s OK! magazine: “His jacket has clearly never seen the inside of a washing machine. He seemed to be going for the hobo-chic look!”

Wow, that is harsh. I mean, it’s been awhile since I have been on a New York City subway, but from my limited experience, I can say that there are lots of interesting smells in the stations so how do we know that it was actually Heath Ledger fouling the place up? It could have been the guy standing behind him. It could have been the person who was there previously. It could have just been the damn subway car itself.
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Amy: Okay, Britney is by no means fat, but WAY too chubby to be wearing that … outfit? Can you even call that an outfit?

Lori: It’s Britney, bitch! Why are you in your underwear? Did the rest of your wardrobe not show up?

Amy: I bet that bra is itchy. How to make a comeback. Wear your snowboots with your Brillo-pad inspired underwear!

Lori: Why is she lipsyncing? It’s just drawing attention to that big old cold sore.

Amy: What’s that stuff you buy for canker sores?

Lori: Kanka! Look, at least she hired back up dancers fatter than her. That one she’s grinding up on is as fat as I am and at least ten years older.

Amy: Here come the boys.

Lori: There’s a Justin Timberlake look-a-like and she just grabbed his junk. She’s subtle.

Amy: She is 14 US Weekly covers past “not so innocent.�?

Lori: Someone spent rehab watching Her Madonna DVDs. It’s like the Human Nature video and the Vogue video had a baby.

Amy: And Cold Hearted Snake came over for a play date.
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Pop star Fergie Fergatossed her cookies Saturday night at the Minnesota State Fair. After finishing her set on the main stage that night the Glamorous singer decided to take a ride on the big slide. Things went downhill quickly when Fergie yaked up some lovely lady lumps at the bottom of the ride.

Here’s an eyewitness account of the action thanks to Dlisted.com.

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Clay Aiken was involved in a disturbance with another passenger Saturday while on an airplane headed to Tulsa International Airport. The former first place for losers American Idol dweeb was in-route to Tulsa for a Saturday Night performance at the Brady Theatre. (Note: To Wierd Al Yankovic ticket-holders. This disturbance will NOT effect his apperance next Friday).

The quarrel began because Aiken decided that it was cool to rest his foot on another passenger’s armrest. The female passenger apparently wanted no part of Aiken’s foot halitosis and protested his dogs resting so close to her. An argument ensued during which Aiken was shoved. But thankfully quick acting airplane folks quickly broke up the altercation.

Concertgoers who attended the singer’s show said that Aiken joked on-stage about being beaten up by a girl earlier in the day. Ironically attendees at the show’s after party reported Aiken begged to have his ass beaten by a boy later in the day.

Clay Aiken, Tulsa, American Idol, altercation

Starting this summer, you all could smell a lot more purple. Prince, the artist formerly known as an unpronounceable symbol formerly known as Prince, will release his own brand of perfume this July (the oh-so-clever date of 07-07-07, to be exact, so get in line now!) Called 3121 after his latest album, the perfume has been described thusly:

3121 is a white floral scent that opens with a refreshing sparkle of crisp bergamot, opulent jasmine and gardenia. Orange flower and muguet sensually intertwine with tuberose and ylang ylang, creating a subtle, mysterious blend; evolving into notes of patchouli and creamy sandalwood. Precious cedarwood and luxurious musks complement this sexy scent with an almost surreal draw that tugs at all senses for total captivation.

That smells like purple to me! A 30 ml bottle of the scent will cost, unsurprisingly, $31.21. Prince is also showing his charitable side (and his inexplicable love for the number “7″) with the sale of this perfume. A 24-hour charity event will take place on the first day of sales, with 7 percent of each sale being divided between 7 charities. The goal is to raise $500,000. (Why not $700,000, Prince?)

In other Prince news, his Royal Purpleness has also announced that he will play 21 shows this autumn in London. (Ticket costs? 31.21 pounds.) He has indicated that he plans to change the show every night and also that he plans to give away copies of his album to concertgoers.

After completion of this 21-show run (hey, wait, that’s another multiple of seven), Prince plans to take time off to study the Bible. No news on if his perfume contains holy water.

Prince, Prince Perfume, 3121, Prince charity, London, Prince London Shows, Prince Bible Study

Trashy Celebs gets literal today, with a story about former Sex and the City star Cynthia Nixon and actual trash. According to the New York Daily News, Nixon was spotted digging through the trash in Riverside Park last week. Apparently she snagged a just-thrown-away empty ziploc bag in which to store her son’s half-eaten snack.

What the f, Cynthia Nixon? Are you researching a new role? Are you trying to guilt Sarah Jessica Parker into doing a Sex in the City movie? Have you just lost your f’n mind? Look, girl, I know we shouldn’t waste food and I know we should teach kids not to waste food, but when faced with the choice of throwing away a few crackers or half a peanut butter sandwich OR storing a child’s snack in something that was in a New York City trash can, I would go with tossing the food. Your hit show is in syndication and I’m sure you can afford to by him some hot nuts or a pretzel later on. Besides, it’s Naomi Campbell’s job to pick that trash up, not yours, so let her do her community service in peace, okay?

Cynthia Nixon, Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker, Naomi Campbell