Trashy Celebs

Oh wow. Oh wow! OH WOW! What the hell happened here? Kids, this is what happens when you get addicted to botox and cigarettes. I mean, wow. I think that is botox? Maybe not, but it is something and that something is not biologically made. Well, not biologically made by Donatella herself, but maybe in a lab somewhere. Somewhere in the desert or maybe in Romania.

Donatella made an appearance today in the window of Barney’s as part of some sort of “live mannequin” display to launch her new menswear line. I somehow doubt she was holding very, very still and pretending to be an actual mannequin, but more likely was sipping martinis and smoking cigarettes. Perhaps she was even being attended to by a half dozen shirtless gay men.

Mark your calendars for Summer 08. That’s when Brokeback hottie Heath Ledger fills Jack Nicholson’s shoes as the Joker in the Batman sequel The Dark Knight. The choice is hardly intuitive, as Ledger will likely take an entirely different approach to the creepy role than Nicholson did.

The film which is set to premier in July 2008 will be directed by Batman Returns and Memento chief, Christopher Nolan, so it should be pretty awesome…wait, oh sorry wrong story, Leona Helmsley died yesterday. She won’t be in Batman but she is known as the queen of mean and did reportedly say “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.”

Despite this, Helmsley did try and turn her life around. Her charitable activities included a $25 million gift to New York Presbyterian Hospital, $5 million to Katrina relief and $5 million to help the families of firefighters after the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. No word how much she donated to Mary Kay Cosmetics.

Heath Ledger, Leona Helmsley, Batman, Christopher Nolan

Shrek star Cameron Diaz has apparently broken free of the spell cast by magician Criss Angel and is now reportedly dating the singer/guitarist who really, really likes blondes, John Mayer.

Cameron Diaz has dipped back into the musician well to find herself a new guy — John Mayer! The 34-year-old Shrek actress, whose almost 4-year relationship with Justin Timberlake ended in January, and rocker Mayer were spotted out in New York last night, a source exclusively tells Usmagazine.com. “They went out to several places…It was the two of them, getting to know each other, out on the town.”

While John Mayer is definitely a step down from uber-hottie Justin Timberlake (and Cameron, honey, of you’re trying to make him jealous with this John Mayer fling, remember, he’s with Jessica Biel now) but Mayer is definitely a flight or two steps up from Criss Angel (who has been seen stepping out with Timberlake-ex, Britney Spears. Following all of this?)

Next on Diaz’s list? Wayne Newton, Art Garfunkel, and that guy who plays at every friggin’ open mike night at the bar up the street from my apartment.

Cameron Diaz, John Mayer, Justin Timberlake, Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Criss Angel, Wayne Newton, Art Garfunkel

Country singer Tim McGraw was born with balls, but his wife, singer Faith Hill, grew a set herself this weekend and called out a fan she spotted getting a little too handsy with her husband during a show on their Soul2Soul tour. Apparently the fan was cupping more than her beer after McGraw approached the crowd to greet some of his fans. Hill practically peed all over McCraw (and his balls) as she got ALL up in the fan’s grill:

Somebody needs to teach you some class, my friend. You don’t go grabbin’ somebody else’s - somebody’s husband’s balls, you understand me? That’s very disrespectful.

The best part? Hill never stops dancing during that little speech. That’s professionalism. I would point out that maybe someone also needs to teach Faith Hill some class, as yelling “balls” into a microphone in an arena that isn’t currently hosting a sporting event is itself not the epitome of class. But I won’t do that because after watching the video, I’m actually afraid Faith Hill might cut me.

Video below, provided by the always reliable TMZ.

Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Soul2Soul, somebody’s husband’s balls

Okay, so rock stars aren’t always known for stability and pristine mental health, especially rock stars whose biggest hit involves refusing to be admitted to a rehabilitation facility (no! no! no!). But check out this excerpt from a Spin magazine interview with Winehouse, as reprinted by US Magazine:

In the new issue of Spin, Winehouse, 23, is in rare form (which is not that rare for her), letting the naughty words fly, taking “long bathroom breaks” during the photo shoot, and later checking her nose in a shard of broken mirror.

Then, during the photo shoot, “she stands against the wall, flashes popping as she gently carves ‘I LOVE BLAKE’ onto her bare stomach with that shard of mirror,” in honor of husband Blake Fielder-Civil.

But she seems aware that she’s a bit nutso. Perhaps a little too aware?

On why she writes:
“I write songs because I’m f—ked in the head and need to get something good out of something bad…I thought, ‘F—k, I’m going to die if I don’t write down the way I feel. I’m going to f—king do myself in.’ It’s nothing spectacular.”

And one more interesting quote. If she really isn’t interested in attention, why does she do all this crazy stuff?

On being a celebrity:
“I don’t care. I don’t care about any of this, and I don’t have much of an opinion of myself. I don’t think people care about me, and I’m not in this to be a f—king role model…I don’t think I’m such an amazing person who needs to be written about. And if I did, I’d be a f—king c—t, wouldn’t I?”

Don’t get me wrong. I really like her album, Back to Black. I think it’s great. But I have to admit, I am a little scared of Amy Winehouse herself, if for no other reason than she can out-curse me by a long shot. Damn!

Amy Winehouse, US Magazine, Spin, Amy Winehouse Spin interview, Back to Black

David Chase, you fucker, we hate how much you make us love you.

Basically, the Trash Talkers reaction to the series finale of The Sopranos went something like this:

Screen goes black and the soundtrack cuts off the Journey song “Don’t Stop Believin’” at “Don’t Stop …”

Lori & Amy: silence
silence
silence
silence
Lori: David Chase is a FUCKER!

But after Amy gave me a strong drink and an extra portion of dessert, I calmed down enough to add that David Chase, while still a fucker, is absolutely brilliant. The show couldn’t have ended any other way and I think Chase planned it from the start. Like the song says Tony goes “on and on and on and on” always looking over his shoulder for the hitman or the indictment. And sure, lots of people feel that David Chase left this all open for a movie in the future, but I bet that won’t happen … like Tony watching for the hit, we will always be watching for the Sopranos movie.

(And to think, Chase found the perfect song to end his series in the corniest Journey song ever recorded.)

In the first episode of season six, in a dream sequence, Carmela tells Adriana “I worry all the time,” and here at the ending, she’s still worried all the time. At some point Tony said to Dr. Melfi, “Is this all there is?” and here at the ending, we see that yes, this is all there is. And I myself wondered why Chase left the relationship with Dr. Melfi, one of, if not the most significant relationship in the series, with such an abrupt and unsatisfying ending. (She’s not even in the finale!) But yes, that’s how it is in “real life.”

Well played, Chase. Well played. You got me good. You gave the audience the ending that was right, even if it wasn’t the ending we thought we wanted. You are going to get a lot of crap for this ending but you don’t deserve it (and I honestly don’t think you care.) You are fucking brilliant and if I knew your email address I would write and tell you so.

But you are still a fucker.

The Sopranos, Sopranos Series Finale, HBO, David Chase, Tony Soprano, James Gandolfini, Carmella Soprano, Edie Falco, Meadow Soprano, AJ Soprano

One of the more peculiar faces in the crowd at Tuesday’s Country Music Awards was the King of Crunk himself, Lil Jon. Seen here with Cowboy Troy, Big Kenny Alphin and John Rich, a visit to Lil Jon’s website shed a little light on his seemingly out of place appearance. An entry dated April 24th states (and we’re not making this up)

2 ALL MY COUNTRY WESTERN FANS I DID A REMIX FOR MY BOYS BIG AND RICH FOR A JOINT ON THERE NEW ALBUM!! ITS FUCKIN OUTTA HERE. SHIT I CANT THINK OF NOTHIN ELSE ILL HOLLA AT YALL MOTHERFUCKERS NXT WEEK!! IM OUT SKEEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKERS!!

The mystery may have ended there but we dug a little deeper at Jon’s label BME Recordings and discovered something truly disturbing. Apparently Jon is at the forefront of an underground Hip-Hop Country movement that’s planning to emerge this summer. A selection of songs to be released include: Forever and Ever Since I seen an ass so Fine, Amen; Don’t it Make my Brown Eyes Blue. Don’t it?; Shorty Wanna Ride my Rhinestone Cowboy; When the Sun Go Down my Dick go up; I’m Gonna Miss her but I still Fuck her Roommate (Skeet, Skeet remix); I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow but I still love the Chronic and the soon to be a classic Chattahoochee? That White Gurl need to Shut her Damn Face.

Will this be the emergence of a new era of music or a blip on the pop culture trivia boards? Only time will tell Skeeet, Skeet, Skeet!

Lil Jon, Big and Rich, Cowboy Troy, Skeet Skeet, Rap music, Country Music Awards, Big Kenny Alphin, King of Crunk

In an effort to make television slightly less screechy, the TV Guide Channel has finally ripped up that contract with the devil relieved Joan Rivers and her daughter, Melissa Rivers, from their jobs as hosts of every red carpet broadcast ever shown on television in the history of the world. They will be replaced by Lisa Rinna, a.k.a., Mrs. Harry Hamlin, who apparently impressed the TV Guide Channel executives with her weeks-long audition tape from her stint on ABC’s Dancing With the Stars.

The official reason for the Rivers’ ouster was not revealed by TV Guide Channel (perhaps Lisa Rinna signed her own contract with the dark lord). However, to anyone who has ever watched them on the red carpet, an official reason wasn’t really required

Besides, how badly do you have to screw up to be fired from the TV Guide channel? The channel that people basically go to just long enough …. to see what’s on the other channels?

This is Melissa’s chance to finally lead a regular life like regular people, getting a job at Bravo or the Home and Garden Network or even at Starbucks, but I think it’s too late for her mother. I fear that someday soon we will learn that Joan has painted her driveway red and has begun spending her days popping out from behind her car with a hairbrush “microphone,” screaming “WHO ARE YOU WEARING?” at mail carriers, garbage collectors, and the UPS guy.

Joan Rivers, Melissa Rivers, TV Guide, Lisa Rinna, Dancing With the Stars, red carpet

I guess Elisabeth has been crying a lot lately, judging from this side view of Star’s arms. How is it that the top of her arm can look so buff and the bottom so …. swingy?

And I don’t really want to guess at what Al Reynolds might be thinking, but he should be more aware that cameras are around and facial expressions like that will end up on the internet. I wonder what it is he is smelling?

Donald Trump, amazingly enough, was unavailable for comment.

Star Jones Reynolds, Al Reynolds, Rosie O’Donnell, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, The View

Snoop Dogg looked quite audacious leaving his Paris hotel yesterday. However, the Doggfather wasn’t stoned out of his mind but in full character mode in preparation for a new flick. Guess the plot to Snopp’s new movie

Tanisha has two Mommies – In a challenging role, which requires him to play a different gender and sexual orientation, Snoop is Roberta Jackson, a 30-something mother trying to adopt a little girl with her partner Mo. Mo’Nique and Keisha Knight Pulliam also star in this late summer offering from Paramont.

Fo’ Shizzle that’s Chicken – It’s back to school time and this year Lunch is off the chizzaynes with Jefferson High’s newest lunch lady Snoop Dogg. With his special blend of herbs and…more herbs these students will be wishing lunch never ended and classes never began.

Don’t F*ck with my Purse ‘cause it’s a Murse Biyotch – We actually made this one up.

Middlemarch – In the first widescreen release of the beloved George Eliot novel, Snoop plays Tertius Lydgate, a talented but naive young doctor of good birth but small financial means. The plot of Middlemarch is known for its deep psychological insight and sophisticated character portraits. By making this the first release from Death Row Productions, Snoop hopes to show how unrealistic expectations by a conservative society are just as damaging today as they were in the 1830’s.

Snopp Dogg, Mo’nique, Middlemarch, George Eliot, Keisha Knight Pulliam