Trashy Celebs

Britney, The Donald and Angelina Jolie’s creepy Lurch-looking brother were all out and about doing stuff this weekend to remind everyone they exist. First up, Britney Spears continued to prove just how smooth she is by rewarding herself the five-finger discount on Friday night in Van Nuys, CA.

TMZ caught Brit-Brit on camera stealing a disposable lighter from a gas station. The bonus part is she chose to brag about it. Classy! Spears claims she just forgot to pay for it but she turned to the cameras and yelled, “I stole something. Oh, I’m bad. Ohhhhh!”

Not to Trump that one, heh, heh…oh shut up, we love our crappy puns. Anyway, The Donald apparently left a $10,000 dollar tip on an $82 bill at The Buffalo Club in Santa Monica, CA. The waiter’s story goes something like this (from dlisted.com)
I finally brought them out the check. Trump grabbed it and actually spoke to me from the first time. “What’s the biggest tip you ever got?�?
“Jerry Bruckheimer comes in a lot. He tipped me $500 on a $1000 check once.�? Trump nodded his head. “You’re very good at your job.�? “Thanks.�?

Billy has tried to contact Donald Trump in an attempt to thank him but has been unsuccessful in his pursuit. Ahh Trump, you’re generosity is inspiring and we’re convinced completely unmotivated by the fact the celebrity version of The Apprentice airs early next year. Wanker!

And finally, Angelina Jolie’s tall, skinny creepy brother, James Haven emerged from his cave driving a Jeep complete with an homage to Shiloh, the Pitt- Jolie messiah a’la personalized license plate. The plate reads “Shhiloh,” so either he stutters, Shiloh and Shiloh1 was taken or he just wants her to be quiet. Source Perez Hilton.

James Haven, Donald Trump, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears

Best known for High School Musical, Ashley Tisdale had a rhinoplasty procedure on Friday in Los Angeles, the actress confirmed to People magazine

“Growing up I always knew I had a deviated septum on the right side of my nose, which caused trouble breathing,” a bandaged Tisdale told PEOPLE on Monday from her Los Angeles home. “The older I got, the worse it got. I went to get it checked out, and the doctor told me the septum was 80 percent deviated and that I had two small fractures on my nose.”

The recuperating 22-year-old added, “I’m not feeling great today. It’s uncomfortable and I hope this is the only time I ever have to go through something like this.”

Sure you had a deviated septum Ashley Tisdale. Our homecoming queen, my chem lab partner and the Pikesville High School Valedictorian all used that same logical for their nose jobs back in the early 90’s when I was in high school. Based on that school of thought should I go ahead and get my pug Muriel a nose job because she snores even when she’s awake or should I get myself one because I get a bit snooty when the pollen count is high?

Think of the everyday folk Ashley Tisdale. We’re not all High School Musical stars despite not being in any high school musicals. However being a role model for teenage girls, Tisdale doesn’t claim to to be an advocate for plastic surgery.

“I didn’t do this because I believe in plastic surgery. I did this to help my health. I literally almost could not breathe out of the right side of my nose,” says Tisdale, who’s openly discussing the procedure because “I want my fans to know the truth. I’m not someone who is going to act like I had nothing done. I just want to be honest because my fans are everything to me.”

Mmm hmm. Sure. We’re totally with you Ashley, and we’ll be with you when your boobs are too lopsided to be stay up straight and your lady parts aren’t as tight as they used to be. Gross!

Ashley Tisdale, High School Musical, Pikesville High School, nose jobs, Muriel

From Gawker:

WE HEAR: that while taping the upcoming season of Celebrity Fit Club, megalomaniacal blogger Perez Hilton pooped himself on a treadmill.

Seriously people, you don’t need me to make a joke here.

Perez Hilton, Celebrity Fit Club

So there is a word in the U.K. slang lexicon prat which basically means, “fool;” indeed it was originally slang for “buttocks” (i.e. what Heidi Montag is rubbing up against him in the picture below.) Would you like me to use prat in a sentence to make it more clear? Sure! Spencer Pratt is a prat for thinking anyone gives a good goddamn about his little “sex tape.” Does that clear things up?

From the National Enquirer:

Talk about art imitating life! On The Hills this season, the plot-line involves Spencer Pratt being accused of spreading rumors about an alleged sex tape of Lauren Conrad – but in real life, says an inside source, Spencer’s actually got a sex tape of his own that shows him and a few buddies exploring the, er… hills and valleys of some smokin’ hot Brazilian babes!

(Note to Spencer’s fiancee, Heidi Montag: The alleged Samba Land group grope was lensed way before you two became betrothed, but know this: My source says Spencer showed the tape to a Hollywood video editor and repeatedly asked him to spruce it up – saying he might secretly release it into the marketplace while claiming it was “stolen,�? a la Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, etc. The editor nixed the sleazy project, Heidi, so hopefully your betrothed has given up the idea, but…it wouldn’t hurt to ask, right?)

I swear, whenever I hear something about The Hills I always have to go and look it up again to figure out what in the world it is all about. This, for once, is not the fault of the show or the celebrities “celebrities” involved but is actually because I am one thousand years old. For those of you in my age range, I can tell you that the The Hills is a MTV reality show that is a spin-off of another popular MTV reality show Laguna Beach. The Hills apparently documents the trials, tribulations, free clinic visits and shoe-shopping sprees of one Lauren “L.C.” Conrad. Pratt apparently has a place on the show because he is the boyfriend/fiance of Conrad’s roommate, Heidi Montag. Do you even care about these rich people and the show documenting their lives? And did Pratt the Prat get so caught up on having every single mudane moment of his life (brush teeth, wear socks, feed dog, buy milk, fuck
Brazilian hottie, visit dentist) that he ended up recording parts of his sex life as well? Sheesh, dude, sometimes you have to turn the camera off.

Spencer Pratt, The Hills, Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, Laguna Beach

I’ve witnessed some bitter breakups, but damn, this one takes the country music cake.

Country star Sara Evans’ husband is asking the singer in a court filing whether she was romantically involved with nearly a dozen people, including Kenny Chesney, Richard Marx and former “Dancing With The Stars” partner Tony Dovolani.

The 118-page document was filed Tuesday in Williamson County chancery court as part of Evans’ divorce from Craig Schelske, according to The Tennessean newspaper.

It asks Evans to state under oath and penalty of perjury whether or not she admits to “an affair/sexual relationship/romantic involvement” with Chesney, Marx, Dovolani or any member of her band. It also seeks to find out if there was any relationship with Brad Arnold, Matt Roberts, Todd Harrell or Chris Henderson — all members of the group 3 Doors Down.

The questions are included in a document used to obtain information from opposing parties during legal proceedings.

Evans has not yet responded, and the court filing provides no evidence that she had relationships with any of the named people.

That’s harsh. Not only is he accusing her of cheating and not only is he naming names, but he’s submitted a list of names, basically using the court system to call his wife a hussy. And on top of that are the people he’s accused her of sleeping with. Richard Marx (who had the most spectacular mullet in the early 1990s), Kenny Chesney (the former Mr. Renee “PinchyFace” Zellweger) and all three members of the mediocre alternative radio band 3 Doors Down.

Jeez, you douche. If you’re going to accuse your wife of sleeping around, at least choose partners that will help her further her career, so she can pay that palimony you will undoubtedly sue for next. Why don’t you just be a man and save some time and money and go get drunk with your friends and punch a wall.

Sara Evans, Craig Schelske, Richard Marx, Kenny Chesney, Renee Zellweger, 3 Doors Down

Amy: Okay, Britney is by no means fat, but WAY too chubby to be wearing that … outfit? Can you even call that an outfit?

Lori: It’s Britney, bitch! Why are you in your underwear? Did the rest of your wardrobe not show up?

Amy: I bet that bra is itchy. How to make a comeback. Wear your snowboots with your Brillo-pad inspired underwear!

Lori: Why is she lipsyncing? It’s just drawing attention to that big old cold sore.

Amy: What’s that stuff you buy for canker sores?

Lori: Kanka! Look, at least she hired back up dancers fatter than her. That one she’s grinding up on is as fat as I am and at least ten years older.

Amy: Here come the boys.

Lori: There’s a Justin Timberlake look-a-like and she just grabbed his junk. She’s subtle.

Amy: She is 14 US Weekly covers past “not so innocent.�?

Lori: Someone spent rehab watching Her Madonna DVDs. It’s like the Human Nature video and the Vogue video had a baby.

Amy: And Cold Hearted Snake came over for a play date.
(more…)

If Clay Aiken is bringing the Sexy back, then bring on the granny panties because I sure as hell don’t want it anymore. In fact, he doesn’t need to bring it back; he can keep it and I’ll give him a full refund anyway! Cash, not store credit!

On the plus side, I’d love to see Madonna kick the crap out of him after seeing him do this:

Oh no, he’s not gay.

Clay Aiken, Sexyback, Vogue, Like a Virgina, Madonna, Justin Timberlake

Shrek star Cameron Diaz has apparently broken free of the spell cast by magician Criss Angel and is now reportedly dating the singer/guitarist who really, really likes blondes, John Mayer.

Cameron Diaz has dipped back into the musician well to find herself a new guy — John Mayer! The 34-year-old Shrek actress, whose almost 4-year relationship with Justin Timberlake ended in January, and rocker Mayer were spotted out in New York last night, a source exclusively tells Usmagazine.com. “They went out to several places…It was the two of them, getting to know each other, out on the town.”

While John Mayer is definitely a step down from uber-hottie Justin Timberlake (and Cameron, honey, of you’re trying to make him jealous with this John Mayer fling, remember, he’s with Jessica Biel now) but Mayer is definitely a flight or two steps up from Criss Angel (who has been seen stepping out with Timberlake-ex, Britney Spears. Following all of this?)

Next on Diaz’s list? Wayne Newton, Art Garfunkel, and that guy who plays at every friggin’ open mike night at the bar up the street from my apartment.

Cameron Diaz, John Mayer, Justin Timberlake, Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Criss Angel, Wayne Newton, Art Garfunkel

Hey all you fans or overblown puns and overpriced shoes, Trashy Celebs has gotten a hold of a rough draft of the new Sex and the City movie. According to our anonymous source the plot finds Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha still living the single life in NYC. One day Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) is writing her column for the New York Star when she gets a funny feeling in her belly. We the audience knows this because a close up of her computer screen reveals she’s just written “I have a funny feeling in my belly.”

For whatever reason, our protagonist is drawn out of her Upper East Side pad and down to the Target on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn. The closer to the store the stranger and more agitated she beings to feel. We know this because Parker’s voice over states “I began to feel stranger and more agitated the closer I got to Target.” Upon arriving at the Target, Carrie begins to dig in a bin of 75% off clearance shoes. To her complete and udder horror she pulls up a pair of strappy Manolo Blahniks for $13.99 (a close-up on the tag reveals they’re called Manolo B’s).

The realization that her beloved exclusive 700-dollar shoes are now available for mass consumption of mid-westerners, hits a deep dark point of evil in Carrie. Her skin begins to turn a pee-green color, her forehead widens and her arms become as massive as He-Man dolls. “Carrie Smash mass-produced Blahniks!” She screeches as her newly formed Geico-brow eyes a row of Manolo B’s which she quickly destroys.

The rest of the script which called for Sarah Jessica Parker to gain more muscle than Angela Basset’s and Madonna’s love-child involves Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha working with Mr. Big and the US National Guard to reel in Hulk-Carrie. Slated for an August 08 release, Sex and the City will go up against Indiana Jones IV, the Mummy 3 and Mamma Mia.

Sarah Jessica Parker, Sex and the City Movie, Target

Former Full House star Jodie Sweetin and her enormous breasts married some dude named Cody Herpin this past weekend in Las Vegas, according to the Las Vegas Sun. This is the second marriage for Sweetin, who previously had a four-year marriage with a Los Angeles police officer. (A police officer? That must have been awkward after her addiction to methamphetamine was revealed.)

If my hazy TV memory serves me correctly, I was a rather devoted viewer of Full House even though I hated it with a passion. I do prefer the grown-up-and-snarky version of Sweetin on Fuse’s Pants Off, Dance Off — a gig that makes me fell less dirty for having noticed that little Stephanie Tanner now has enormous breasts. How rude!

Mazel Tov to the happy couple. And even though the Enquirer is reporting that they have only known each other a few weeks (and implying that this relationship could in no way last), you crazy kids might make it. Lots of solid, long-lasting relationships begin in Vegas Strip wedding chapels. Just ask Britney Spears!

Jodie Sweetin, Full House, Cory Herpin, Stephanie Tanner, Pants Off Dance Off, Jodie Sweetin Marriage

The National Enquirer is reporting the Dave Chappelle was in the hospital for a few hours last Saturday, recovering from a hangover exhaustion. Huh, exhaustion. The Enquirer goes on to say that this exhaustion is due to traveling. Maybe it is different with celebrities, but was a hospital necessary? I was traveling this past week, during the last few days of my trip, I was up and in airports and various time zones, for about 36 hours straight. In coach class, I might add. What did I do when I got home? I had a snack, and I went to sleep. Good as new.

I wonder what is REALLY going on with Mr. Chappelle that requires the presence of doctors, nurses, and an IV drip? Perhaps hitting the bottle a little hard? But still, a hospital? What do I do when I have had too much to drink? I go home, have a snack, and go to sleep. Good as new.

Dave Chappelle, exhaustion

Not much to say on this one. The amazonian ex-wife of Sly Stallone has checked into rehab for treatment of an undisclosed condition, her manager confirmed Thursday. We never would have guessed she had a drug/alcohol/substance abuse problem since the last time we saw Nielsen she was making out with Flava Flav on VH-1. Looks like rehab isn’t just for twenty-somethings - suck it Lohan!

Brigitte Nielsen, rehab, Flava Flav, VH-1

Clay Aiken was involved in a disturbance with another passenger Saturday while on an airplane headed to Tulsa International Airport. The former first place for losers American Idol dweeb was in-route to Tulsa for a Saturday Night performance at the Brady Theatre. (Note: To Wierd Al Yankovic ticket-holders. This disturbance will NOT effect his apperance next Friday).

The quarrel began because Aiken decided that it was cool to rest his foot on another passenger’s armrest. The female passenger apparently wanted no part of Aiken’s foot halitosis and protested his dogs resting so close to her. An argument ensued during which Aiken was shoved. But thankfully quick acting airplane folks quickly broke up the altercation.

Concertgoers who attended the singer’s show said that Aiken joked on-stage about being beaten up by a girl earlier in the day. Ironically attendees at the show’s after party reported Aiken begged to have his ass beaten by a boy later in the day.

Clay Aiken, Tulsa, American Idol, altercation

I left my home state just in time. Apparently Michael Jackson is looking to purchase property on Maryland’s Eastern Shore. The noseless wonder was touring homes for the day with his children in a rural peninsula but hasn’t made any definite decisions. The last I’d heard of Jackson he was working out a deal to perform nightly in Vegas, but I guess sand, surf and crustaceans trumps glitz, glamour and buffets.

Michael Jackson, Maryland, Crabs, Eastern Shore

Happy 4th of July to all my trash talkers out there. If anyone is out there taking a break from the BBQ and the parades and the fireworks and needs some celebrity gossip to soothe their souls, then just know we are here for you. And today, on this day of independence, we have some appropriate content, I feel — stories of women scoring independence (and hopefully alimony) from dubiously famous yet generally douchebaggy men.

Let’s start with everyone’s favorite improvisational singer and (apparent) talk show host (really? he had a talk show?) Wayne Brady. Brady’s wife, Mandie Brady wished him a happy 4th and served him up a big slice of shit pie when she filed for divorce this week, citing the always reliable “irreconcilable differences.” Now whose line is it, Wayne?

Also headed to divorce court are Jackass star Johnny Knoxville (whose real name is P.J. Clapp) and wife of 12 years, Melanie Clapp. I can’t say this one is too surprising, with all the rumors that floated a while back regarding Knoxville’s supposed fling with Jessica Simpson during the filming of Dukes of Hazzard. (And who could blame them, really? They had to do something to take their minds of the shitty movie they were filming.) Frankly, I would find this story more interesting (although still not surprising) if Johnny was leaving his wife for one of his homo-riffic Jackass costars, like Bam Margera or Steve-o. Welcome to Jackass, indeed!

Wayne Brady, Mandie Brady, Whose Line is it Anyway, Johnny Knoxville, P.J. Clapp, Melanie Clapp, Jessica Simpson, Dukes of Hazzard, Jackass, Bam Margera, Steve-o, celebrity divorce