Trashy Celebs

So I was checking out CNN.com earlier today and there was a headline that caught my eye. (Isn’t that what headlines are supposed to do? Catch your eye? Well this one worked.) All it said was: Michael Jackson to make an announcement. Well, now THAT is specific.

I clicked on the link because I had to know how there was a story behind this. How could it be more than just a headline, just a sentence, just a sentence fragment, even? Are there paragraphs involved? Was a fact-checker involved? Did it have to be rewritten more than once?

Turns out that news about upcoming news is actually news, involving eight paragraphs, albeit, many repeating rumors that Jackson was going to announce concert dates, his first since the big ugly child molestation charge. No surprise, since his financial troubles are well-documented and everyone knows he almost lost Neverland Ranch. (And when was the last time he was even at Neverland Ranch?)

Would you see Michael Jackson in concert if you had a chance? Yeah, I probably would, just to see if he’s still got it despite all the controversy and his increasing crazypantsness. And with the hope that he would focus on the awesome songs from Thriller and Bad maybe some old songs from the Jackson 5 days, and did not perform “Man in the Mirror,” because, shut up, Michael Jackson. But the chance to hear “Billie Jean,” “Pretty Young Thing,” “Smooth Criminal,” and “Dirty Diana,” well hell yeah, I’d go and buy the t-shirt too!

Oh good lord, who didn’t see this one coming? The New York Post is reporting that Amy Fisher is hitting the pole. If you weren’t paying much attention to anything in 1992, Amy is also known as the “Long Island Lolita” who went to prison for shooting her gross auto mechanic boyfriend’s wife, Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the head.

Capitalizing on her slutastic self, Amy has recently started a porn Web site featuring her 34 year old lady lumps, and- plans to tour the country as a high-paid stripper. Sez Amy, “I love to dance, and I’m an exhibitionist. I am going to take this road until my fans tell me, ‘Dear, please put your clothes back on. You’re too old.’ ”

Uh, I think everyone is saying that right now. When I first heard about this, I thought about all those awesome made for TV movies that came out around the time of the trial. It seemed every network and not just FOX felt the need to create a dramatic reenactment of these Long Island Hoosier’s stories.

I don’t think I watched one all the way through since I was too busy fermenting fruit in grain alcohol and Hawiian Punch in my dorm room at the time, but I do remember Saturday Night Live doing an awesome parody of the whole thing. Throughout the show, SNL showed how different networks would depict the story. I remember one had Tori Spelling as Amy Fisher with Danny Devito as Joey Buttafuoco. But the very best one of the night was B.E.T’s version called Amy Fisher: One Messed up Bitch. Check it below, Chris Rock makes and awesome Mary Jo (I have no idea why whoever posted this on you tube felt the need to tack on a Knots Landing ad but whatevs). btw, I couldn’t embed, so click the image to see it.

Saved by the Bell is 20 years old next month. God that makes me feel old…Well actually, I have a wee confession. In the morning I seem to hit the couch with my oatmeal and coffee at 7:26, a full four minutes before Headline News tells me what’s up for the day. I can’t take another commercial for Jitterbug (cell phone with big buttons and no confusing features for old people), so I flip on Saved by the Bell for a little nostalgia trip before I hear about how our economy is in the shitter.

In celebration of Da Bell’s 20th, TV’s Extra reunited their very own anchor, Saved by the Bell alum Mario “A.C. Slater” Lopez , with his former co-star Mark-Paul “Zach Morris” Gosselaar to take viewers down memory lane in a segment set to air this Friday.

So before you watch Extra’s coverage of the Reunion. Here’s one of my very favorite Saved by the Bell moments. if you listen closely you can actually hear Jazzercise dying.

Carrie Underwood: Tony Romo Still Calls Me

For a 25-year-old singer in the spotlight, Carrie Underwood has had her share of guy drama.

The American Idol winner opens up in Allure’s September issue about dating Dallas Cowboys player Tony Romo, Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford and a boyfriend who cheated on her in college.

“We were both small-town people doing very big things, and we relied on each other, dealing with fame,” she says of Romo. “I don’t know. The phone will ring and it’ll be him, and I’ll maybe not answer.”

Well, well, WELL. Tony is still calling his ex. I wonder what one Miss Jessica Simpson thinks of that. I wonder what HER FATHER thinks of that. Actually, I don’t really wonder, because I realized that I don’t really care all that much. Any why does Allure magazine care? Why is this even a part of an interview? Oh, who am I kidding, of course I care. I write a celebrity gossip blog, for goodness sake.

So apparently Tony calls up Carrie sometimes. I wonder if it’s drunk dialing? Because while I can see Carrie spilling the deets about the calls, I think she is classy enough to not mention that he is totally wasted and crying about how the Cowboys hate him for bringing Jessica to games causing them to lose or how Jessica’s dad is pressuring him to sign a record contract. I bet he cries a lot. He knows he is going to get his ass kicked every weekend this football season and he’s decided if he can just get Carrie back as his good luck charm, everything will be okay. And she won’t even answer the phone. So so sad.

In other news, I will NOT be betting on Dallas this season and I will encourage Amy not to pick Romo for her fantasy team. Just saying’.

But who doesn’t love making fun of the Feldman, man? No one, that is who. Everyone likes making fun of the Feldman, including the late Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama, the entire internet, my grandma, and Feldman’s grandma. Everyone! And god bless him, the Feldman just keeps giving us more and more reasons to make fun of him, starting with his “comeback” on the first (and best) season of The Surreal Life that included his ridiculous wedding and on to the trainwreck show The Two Coreys which I admit, I am watching as I type this. And just to give you a little something from this show right now ….. Feldman is driving around L.A. at night with his sunglasses on, looking like a big moron. I won’t go any farther, because I don’t want this to become some sort of weird liveblog of a Two Coreys rerun.

VANITY THOU ART FELDMAN

The ENQUIRER exclusively reports Corey Feldman and his model-wife Susie had his-and-hers plastic surgery so they would look toned and camera-ready for the second season of surreality show The Two Coreys.

Corey had liposuction, and his sexy spouse had breast implants, say sources.

“Feldman is very vain about his appearance - he always tries to look cool.

“And he wears a ton of makeup, onscreen and off,” said a source close to the couple.

According to the friend, Feldman, 36, felt pudgy around the middle standing next to his taut 26-year-old wife.

And he wasn’t about to be upstaged by her or his now trim-looking co-star, longtime pal Corey Haim.

But it was Susie’s breast enhancement between seasons that convinced Corey to get plastic surgery.

Aw, Feldman. Losing your youthful Lost Boy good looks. Still feel like the ugly-duckling kid from Stand By Me? Everyone gets a little pudgy around the middle once they hit their 30s, so don’t worry about it. And sure, it’s none of my gosh darn business, but as a fellow thirtysomething (and I hate that word) let me tell you that trying to look cool at our age also means not trying to look like we are in our early twenties anymore. So get some nice Dockers, some nice Izod polo shirts, and stop spiking your hair. Seriously, dude, you will look just fine.

HOT! We’re back bitches. Miss us? No we weren’t off gallivanting in West Hollywood or out in West County. No, our servers were down and since we don’t have your email address we weren’t able to email you with our witty rants about celebs and pop culture. Too bad for you. And we apologize to those people who’ve been led to our site by doing a google image search for “crotch.” Your disappointment may now commence.

Anyway, with our first day back we could choose to tell you about Angelina Jolie checking into a French hospital in preparation of giving birth to twins or talk about A-Rod’s wife boning up on Lenny Kravitz. But no. Hell no! When we saw this beauty we had to spread the love about the online FLDS clothing store. Jas and Meg if you’re reading this I know what I’m wearing to your wedding!

If the mention of FLDS or Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints doesn’t ring a bell, they’re the crazy polygamist kooks with the big hair and wicked fashion sense. “How wicked Amy” might you ask? Well so wicked that they now have a website dedicated to the Big Love Duds. Check it. http://www.fldsdress.com/

So ok, they’re currently only selling children’s clothes but I can’t wait until I can wear this loud and proud to a client meeting.

Now you might be thinking “Why oh why are these fashions being sold online” and “when will they we available at gap kids?” The second part of your insightful quandary went unanswered but one of them told The Salt Lake Tribune, “Our motive is not to flaunt ourselves or our religion before the world. We have to make a living the same as everyone does.” Hell yeah. Strike while the iron, or high starched collar is hot!

What is he thinking? Mega-star Madonna’s brother, Christopher Ciccone, is writing a memoir called Life With My Sister Madonna. Oh Chris. Are you sure that is a good idea? Wouldn’t it be easier to just ask her for some money? She has all the money in the world, except for the loose change Amy and I throw into an empty pickle jar as our “iTunes Fund.” (Which we will probably use to buy Madonna albums.)

NEW YORK - The mystery is solved: Madonna’s brother, Christopher Ciccone, is writing a memoir about his sister, to be released in mid-July by an imprint of Simon & Schuster, the publisher told The Associated Press on Wednesday.

The imprint, Simon Spotlight Entertainment, had been promoting a celebrity memoir for July, without identifying the author or contents. “Life With My Sister Madonna” will have a first printing of 350,000. Financial details were not disclosed.

“Ciccone’s extraordinary memoir is based on his life and 47 years of growing up with and working with his sister — the most famous woman in the world,” the publisher said Wednesday in a statement.

Persuading stores to make “blind” orders has been tried before. In 2006, William Morrow offered a mysterious tell-all that turned out to be by Princess Diana’s former butler, Paul Burrell, who had already written about her. Retailers were angered and the book sold poorly.

Ciccone will work with Wendy Leigh, who has written biographies of Liza Minnelli and Grace Kelly and a highly critical book about Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Ciccone, 47, has worked often with his older sister, designing and directing her “Girlie Show” tour in 1993 and serving as artistic director of her 1991 documentary, “Madonna: Truth or Dare.” But according to Madonna’s spokeswoman, Liz Rosenberg, they are no longer close.

Madonna, who turns 50 this summer, is among the most popular recording artists in history, with such hits as “Like a Virgin,” “Material Girl” and “Vogue.”

Rosenberg had no initial comment on the book, but told the AP that “Madonna has not cooperated with any biography about herself.”

You gotta wonder what happened to cause these two to “no longer be close.” They seemed pretty tight in Truth or Dare, especially when they were trash talking their other brother, Marty, who apparently was too busy getting drunk to show up for Madonna’s show. Which is just dumb! Who turns down free Madonna tickets?

What I think is funny is how this news story keeps going on about how the book is about Madonna, when really the book is about her brother (since it is a memoir and he is the one who wrote it). I mean of course it is going to have stuff about her and all, and everyone is hoping he’s going to dish some good Madonna dirt (although really, what is left to know? We all saw Truth or Dare, we’ve all seen the Sex book, we’ve all seen the picture of her hitchhiking naked. What’s left?)

The questions is, will the true Madonna fans read this book or just the gossip hounds? I mean, we love Madonna in the Trashy Celebs household, but we also love some gossip as well. I have a feeling if this book ever does make it to press and is released, we will buy a copy (used), read it, and then feel horribly guilty about it. Sorry, Madonna.

Madonna, Truth or Dare, Girlie Show, Christopher Ciccone, My Life With Madonna

Seriously? The CW is seriously doing a remake of “the show that revolutionized television and defined a generation” Beverly Hills 90210? Oh my, this is going to crazy suck. Take a look at the trailer. This time around a family has moved from Kansas City not Minnesota and there’s actually a black character (who of course has to have come from a foster home). I really can’t decide who’s the biggest douche. I think it’s the girl named Silver wearing that string around her head. Seriously does she think she’s on the German women’s soccer team? Or maybe it’s the girl who’s the spoiled kid. Or it could be the “down to earth fun loving” football player. No, it’s totally the journalism guy named Navid. Seriously are your parent’s too cool for a D? Douche.

Or maybe this show will totally suck because they had to say “cooler, sexier, provocative where every story is intriguing.” none of that brining a homeless person home for Christmas crap that the original had. Just straight up boning.

No, I think I have it. The new 90210 will completely suck because of the absence of vests, huge sideburns and un-ironic mullets.

So remember back years and years ago, when Roseanne had a television show that hadn’t yet started to suck? And it was in the early says of said show, when her character, also named Roseanne, worked in a plastics factory? And remember she had a boss at the factory who ended up dating her sister Jackie? And remember that said boss was played by one dashing Mr. George Clooney?

Roseanne Barr propositioned Hollywood star George Clooney the very first time they met on the set of her hit sitcom. Clooney appeared in eleven episodes of Roseanne, from 1988 to 1991 - one of his first major acting roles.
And nothing could prepare the 27-year-old for his first encounter with the larger-than-life star of the show.
The Oscar winner reveals, “I worked on her first series, and when I met her she said, ‘You’re really good looking, why don’t you take me out behind the stage and make me stink.’”

I remember George Clooney from back in those days and he wasn’t quite the debonair gentleman he is now. In fact, I remember that on his stint on Roseanne as well as his time on the 30-minute sitcom ER and his time as “George” (stretch!) on The Facts of Life he was rockin’ the curly mullet.

Hard to believe that he went on to appear in such movies as The Perfect Storm, Syriana and Good Night, and Good Luck. And I’m positive we can all be sure that he did not take Roseanne on her offer. I sure hope so anyway, because my grandma is enamored of Mr. Clooney and I don’t want my classy Grandma placed in the same category as someone who would say “make me stink.” Besides, I don’t think Mr. Clooney ever makes anyone stink. I mean, he looks like he smells really good, like expensive shampoo or fabric softener or Ivory soap or apple pie. Or really good like these fresh peaches I bought at the grocery store tonight, but totally in a manly sort of way.

George Clooney, Roseanne, The Perfect Storm, Syriana, Good Night and Good Luck

Looks like the Today show’s got the right stuff: All five original New Kids on the Block members – Joey McIntyre, Donnie Wahlberg, Danny Wood and brothers Jordan and Jonathan Knight – will appear together in the morning show’s courtyard on April 4, a source tells PEOPLE.

After months of speculation, PEOPLE confirmed in January that the band is reuniting – just in time to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the release of their mega-hit album Hangin’ Tough. The group also recently updated its Web site, nkotb.com.

The boy band, which made legions of tweens swoon in the early ’90s, selling more than 50 million albums, became a worldwide phenomenon before calling it quits in 1994. Since then, the oldest “Kid,” Jonathan Knight, 39, retreated back to Boston to become a real estate developer. Former members Wahlberg, 38, and McIntyre, 35, have seen acting success, while Wood, 38, has worked as a music producer and Jordan Knight, 37, has continued to record.

Lori: Hey, the New Kids on the Block are reuniting!

Amy: Oh good lord.

And that’s all the really needs to be said about that one, except of course, I will say more. And I will start with a question? Whose brilliant idea was this one? I mean, come on! The world does not need a freaking New Kids on the Block reunion tour. In fact, we already had that, back when boy bands like N’Sync and Backstreet Boys got popular — it was essentially a reunion, right? I mean pretty boys who sang in harmony and danced. It’s all the same, and even Justin “I hang with Timbaland” Timberlake likes to pretend it never happened.

I will admit, I also don’t like to think about this because I don’t like to think about the NKOTB album Hangin’ Tough being 20 years old because that just reminds me how old I am. But really, what is sadder than watching a bunch of aging pretty boys pushing 40 and trying to dance like they are still in their teens? Do we really want to see a bunch of guys who should be on the golf course or taking their kids to soccer practice doing this?

And another thing: when the New Kids were first popular, they were 15, 16, 18 or so and their audience was 12 to 14 year old girls (and I’m sure, boys). Granted, I listened to them in college, but I probably did so ironically. Anyway, who is the audience this time around? It can’t see today’s 12-14 year old girls because 1) they won’t care and 2) that is just creepy? This there really enough nostalgia amongst today’s thirtysomethings to sustain a Ne Kids Reunion? Personally, I don’t think so. No matter what, Trashy Celebs will be following this story with great interest, and maybe even getting out our old mix tapes with New Kids songs, so listen to secretly in the car.

New Kids on the Block

Early Sunday morning, reports flooded into Star Magazine that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were married in New Orleans Sunday night. “There were two weddings, one planned and one unplanned,” one source told Star. “Brad and Angelina’s was the planned ceremony. The weather wasn’t good, so we were indoors.” After further investigation, the sources are not standing by their story. Brad and Angelina’s reps have not commented. DOH, number one Star Magazine.

DOH number two came when People Magazine lashed out like a know-it-all older sibling when a source close to the couple told them there was no wedding. In fact, the Pitt- Jolies weren’t even in New Orleans this weekend. The family was there two weeks ago as Pitt broke ground on his Make It Right project to help rebuild the city’s Lower Ninth Ward – but they have recently been in the Austin, Texas, area while Pitt films Tree of Life with Sean Penn.

Also, I kind of recall Branjelina saying they wouldn’t toe the knot until everyone could (meaning the homos). So I think Star Magazine was hoping beyond hope they could be the first to report the news but should really go back to talking about how fat Kirstie Alley is.

Office star Jenna Fischer has called on her male fans to stop emailing her requests for dates on her myspace page. The St. Louis native has been single since she split up with her husband James Gunn in November.

According to Star Pulse Fischer says, “I’ve received uncomfortable letters in which I’m asked out on dates - but for real, not joking. The writers have obviously read about me and made up a list of reasons they think we would make a good couple - like we’re both from small towns, or they also love animals.

“I just don’t get it. Do people really go out on dates when they get a letter?”

We think that’s just totally obnoxious. I mean where do these guys get off thinking just if they say they’re into stuff Jenna is into she’d go out with them. Obviously she’s a hot up-and-coming comedic actress who can date anyone she wants.

Jenna if you ever want to talk about those losers just shoot us an email. We can go to Target, either the one near the mall and Trader Joe’s or the one in south city. See Jenna, you’re from St. Louis, I live here now, I’ll bet we have a lot in common. In fact I read all about your cupcake caddy on your myspace blog and I think it’s really neat how you can remain so grounded even when you’re famous.

So yeah, we’d totally be great friends and we know you recently broke up with your husband so we wouldn’t expect anything serious. We could even hang out, play some Wii, give each other back rubs with this really great smelling aveda oil we have, you know friend stuff. Call us Jenna, we’d be perfect together!

Spencer Pratt (and I will admit I still am not 100 percent sure who he is or why I should care) is apparently planning on or seriously considering or pricing doctors or trying to get pre-approval from his HMO for a very special treatment plan. A delicate condition, requiring specialists, quiet consideration, and sensitivity. Yes, Spencer Pratt is getting calf implants.

Heidi Montag’s, lover Spencer Pratt, plans to get calf implants to look more buff, Star reports.

“Spencer works out with a trainer almost daily, but he can’t get rid of his skinny legs, and it drives him nuts. Heidi even nicknamed him Chicken Legs!” a pal tells Star. “Spencer is secretly insecure about his legs.”

But he still hasn’t gone through with the surgery. “He knows it’s a painful procedure.”

I know I really shouldn’t be surprised by the variety of cosmetic procedures available today. I know it is more than just eye lifts or liposuction or breast implants. But calf implants? I just don’t understand. That’s like having your elbows enlarged or your big little toe made littler. I mean sure, we’ve all perhaps admired a nice pair of calves on a runner in the park or a bicycler on TV. But to think that they are so important that calf implants are a necessity? I don’t get that. It’s not like having reconstructive surgery after an accident or something. It’s just a weird sort of leg vanity.

This whole story just makes me think of this episode of MTV’s True Life I saw a couple of times. (Because anyone who has ever seen this show knows that the can be watched more than once, and if you are ever at home sick or wake up on the weekend with a hangover, spending the day on the couch with some diet Coke and a marathon of True Life is pretty much perfect.) The episode was “I Want the Perfect Body” and there was a young man featured, about Spencer Pratt’s age, who wanted calf implants. He worked out a lot and just “couldn’t get his calves the way he wanted them.” His friends and family seemed to think he was ridiculous for the amount of money he was spending. But he went ahead with it and spent the weekend alone in a hotel room recovering. Later they showed him getting ready to go out dancing at a club and he was wearing glitter on his chest. Then later I was reading about the show on an internet forum and heard this guy was now doing gay porn.

So what have we learned? Calf implants are stupid and lead to wearing glitter which is also stupid which leads to doing gay porn witch may or may not be stupid, depending on how much you are getting paid. It remains to be seen if Spencer Pratt is going to follow this same pattern.

Spencer Pratt, True Life, calf implants

Justin Timberlake was recently seen shopping in New York City …. at Tiffany and Co. …. for engagement rings. Oooh, girl, if that one doesn’t push Britney Spears (or Cameron Diaz, for that matter) over the edge … well, I imagine someone will find a way to make it seem like it has pushed her over the edge. And Cameron will just sign on for Shrek 4 hoping that they will make Justin reprise his role as Prince Charming or whatever and she will have a chance to pretend to be his girlfriend again, completely forgetting that when you do an animated film you are rarely in the same room at the same time with the rest of the cast and she won’t even see him anyway.

Whoops, sorry about that anti-Diaz tangent there.

Anyhoodle, it seems like the poor guy can’t even walk through a jewelry store without the whole internet blowing its collective wad all over everything. How do we even know that he was there looking at rings? I mean, if you click on the link above, the source does say he was looking at rings, but how do we know that is true? I mean, maybe he went in to buy a bracelet for his mom or a manly watch for his bro-yfriend Timbaland. Or heck, maybe he ate too many Fig Newtons and had the poops and ran in to use the bathroom. And then he had to at least pretend to think about buying something, just like if you or I ran into a McDonalds or a Barnes & Noble to use the bathroom we would at least have to buy a soda or look over the magazines, just so we don’t get yelled at for being an asshole non-customer.

My guess, though, is that he is working on writing his next album and is trying to create some drama in his personal life so he has something to write about. C’mon, Jessica Biel, cheat on him or insult his mama or something. The boy needs material!

Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz

Oh grrl, Rachael Ray done gone and opened her big yap and showed her true colors on the set of a recent Dunkin’ Donuts commercial shot. According to Jezebel, Boston Magazine, New York Magazine and a bunch of other pubs, the queen of all food media spewed some nasty venom before spewing coffee. According to Grub Street “Rachael stormed onto the set and snapped at everyone. Not news, I know, everyone knows she’s actually a gigantic asshole. BUT! I am also told she took one sip of her Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, yelled “What is this shit? Get me MY coffee,�? and would not continue until she was given “her�? coffee — i.e., Starbucks.”

Heh, we wish this was caught on tape or better yet there was a B reel of 30 minute meals where Ray-Ray could be seen throwing a side dish of spinach polenta and the poor production assistant responsible for keeping it warm. After the Dunkin’ debacle, Ray’s sunny smile no longer graces the Dunkin Donuts website.

But this wasn’t the only DOH moment for Ray this week. It’s also been reported that there’s a wee bit of turmoil afoot at her publication Everyday with Rachael Ray. Within the past week, two high-profile editors have quit including the executive editor. This is actually really sucky news to the Trash Talkers. As irritating as Ray can be, we subscribe to her mag and cook from it at least once a week. Sure we have them all in a neat little pile (until they fall over) in our kitchen and can reference them at anytime but we’d be lost without them!

Anyway if it does indeed fold, let us know if you hear of a new source for turkey burger recipes.

Rachael Ray, turkey burgers, Dunkin’ Donuts