Trashy Celebs

So there is a word in the U.K. slang lexicon prat which basically means, “fool;” indeed it was originally slang for “buttocks” (i.e. what Heidi Montag is rubbing up against him in the picture below.) Would you like me to use prat in a sentence to make it more clear? Sure! Spencer Pratt is a prat for thinking anyone gives a good goddamn about his little “sex tape.” Does that clear things up?

From the National Enquirer:

Talk about art imitating life! On The Hills this season, the plot-line involves Spencer Pratt being accused of spreading rumors about an alleged sex tape of Lauren Conrad – but in real life, says an inside source, Spencer’s actually got a sex tape of his own that shows him and a few buddies exploring the, er… hills and valleys of some smokin’ hot Brazilian babes!

(Note to Spencer’s fiancee, Heidi Montag: The alleged Samba Land group grope was lensed way before you two became betrothed, but know this: My source says Spencer showed the tape to a Hollywood video editor and repeatedly asked him to spruce it up – saying he might secretly release it into the marketplace while claiming it was “stolen,” a la Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, etc. The editor nixed the sleazy project, Heidi, so hopefully your betrothed has given up the idea, but…it wouldn’t hurt to ask, right?)

I swear, whenever I hear something about The Hills I always have to go and look it up again to figure out what in the world it is all about. This, for once, is not the fault of the show or the celebrities “celebrities” involved but is actually because I am one thousand years old. For those of you in my age range, I can tell you that the The Hills is a MTV reality show that is a spin-off of another popular MTV reality show Laguna Beach. The Hills apparently documents the trials, tribulations, free clinic visits and shoe-shopping sprees of one Lauren “L.C.” Conrad. Pratt apparently has a place on the show because he is the boyfriend/fiance of Conrad’s roommate, Heidi Montag. Do you even care about these rich people and the show documenting their lives? And did Pratt the Prat get so caught up on having every single mudane moment of his life (brush teeth, wear socks, feed dog, buy milk, fuck
Brazilian hottie, visit dentist) that he ended up recording parts of his sex life as well? Sheesh, dude, sometimes you have to turn the camera off.

Spencer Pratt, The Hills, Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, Laguna Beach

The first 20 minutes of this live blog were preempted so that Lori and Amy could eat tacos (email us for the recipe) but here’s a brief recap of what you missed: Ryan Seacrest looks shiny, stupid, gay, not funny, gay, gay, gay, Nobody Misses Raymond, stupid, funny, gay, Jeremy Piven looks coked up, not funny, Vanessa Williams has nice boobs.

All right, now we are all caught up.

Lori: Ryan Seacrest just called Paula a druggie!

Amy: Oh, burn! And now he has to kiss her drunk ass.

Lori & Amy: TINA FEY! TINA FEY! TINA FEY! Cleavage!

Amy: Pam! The Office! She’s from St. Louis! Where we live!

Lori: We’re still waiting to see her at Target.

Amy: Suck it, My Name is Earl person.

Lori: Honey, you are trying too hard.

Amy: MEH! Fine I won’t talk then! Ha! Heigl! You pronounced her name wrong, suck it announcer lady, I ain’t the only one who’s lame!

Lori: Ed Asner is still alive? Does anyone watch mini-series anymore? Mini-serieses? Mini-serii?

Amy: Look, a category full of nothing we’ve watched.

Lori: It’s the night of thanking Dads. We can’t make fun of that. We loves us our dads!

Amy: I think my Dad was nominated for Best Use of a Beard (long term)

Lori: My Dad was nominated for Best Arms in a polo shirt… of course my mom was the only one voting.

Amy: Why is Ellen wearing a Bible bookmark around her neck?

Lori: To look for feminine or something. Honoring Tom Snyder. That is really nice, but it’s not giving us much to work with here. Fast forward ….

Amy: …. To lame jokes from the cast of Entourage. Edgy!

Lori: Why are there so many nominees in each category? I think my aunt was nominated for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama series.

Amy: Go Aunt Jean!

Lori: I don’t watch Gray’s Anatomy, but I’m fairly certain it’s shitty. I hate it when they thank people just by their first names.

Amy: And Katherine Heigl throws it back to the Moms!

Lori: Dads all over the country are throwing potato chips at the TV.

Amy: Oooh! Writers! Our dream job!

Lori: We can’t make fun of these because they are too damn funny. We bow to the superior wit!

Amy: Illegal immigrants are funny! There should be an Emmy for best writer intros. Those were the funniest thing so far.

Lori: And undoubtably the funniest part of the whole show.

Amy: Conan O’Brien looks like Beavis.

Lori: Musical number! Tony Bennett and a knocked-up Christina Aguliera! Fast forward!

Amy: Snore. Tell me when the Tony Bennett ass-kiss is over.

Lori: Hello! This is not the Grammys!

Amy: Another mini-series category. More stuff we didn’t watch!

Lori: Fast forward! You know this show would be a lot better if it was on MTV.

Amy: Okay, we are one hour in. How are you feeling?

Lori: BORED. Oh, there’s Queen Latifah. I guess they had to bring in a black person from the music world to talk about a TV show about black people, since there are no black people on TV now. Was Chris Rock already booked?

Amy: I’m not cultured. I was looking at her boobs.

Lori: Doogie Howser, I’m gay M.D.!

Amy: Oh and Hayden Panettiere. Save the empire waistline, save the world.

(more…)

Ah what to do when you’re about five years past being relevant, have a lot of pent up hostility and completely full of nonsensical suckitude? Lash out at the gays of course. For some reason someone interviewed Ja Rule about what he thought about the upcoming Congressional Meeting on Hip-Hop. The newly crowned king of Doucheyness took the opportunity to go on a little rant about MTV and gays. From sohh.com:

We need to go step to Paramount, and f–king MGM, and all of these other motherf–kers that’s making all of these movies and we need to go step to MTV and Viacom, and lets talk about all these f–king shows that they have on MTV that is promoting homosexuality, that my kids can’t watch this sh-t,” he continued. “Dating shows that’s showing two guys or two girls in mid-afternoon. Let’s talk about s–t like that! If that’s not f–king up America, I don’t know what is.”

Now we’re not sure what Ja thinks it takes to f-up America but we’re pretty sure a some tanked-up bisexuals isn’t it. And just to make a point, lyrics from Ja’s 2003 release Niggas and Bitches:

Niggas! Grip the iron and keep it cocked
Bitches! Work your clit keep that pussy hot
Cause it’s all about sex, money, and murder
Bitches that burn ya, niggas with burners
Cocked and let go!

Yeah, judging from that I’m thinking Ja Rule should jast rule out speaking in public again.

Ja Rule, MTV, Gays, Viacom, Congressional Meeting on Hip Hop

So I read the other day that Red Hot Chili Pepper’s singer Anthony Kiedis, age FORTY-FRICKIN-FOUR and his girlfriend of two years, Heather Christie, age TWENTY (yes you read that right TWENTY) are expecting a baby.

Now some of you would tell me not to be judgmental and to you I say, “I’m paid to be judgmental! I’m a celebrity blogger.” But I have to say that this grosses me out. (Not the baby. I love babies!) I just can’t imagine an 18 year old Heather bringing home Anthony Freakin’ Kiedis to meet Mom and Dad. And then announce two years later that he’s going to be her baby-daddy? Wowza.

Apparently, the song “She’s Only 18” on the Chili Pepper’s most recent album, Stadium Arcadium is about Heather, so I turned to the lyrics for some insight. I can’t say they offered too much …. the only part that made any sense to me was the first verse: she’s only 18/don’t like the Rolling Stones/She took the shortcut/To being fully grown.” And all that really tells me is … that’s she’s 18. Although the song does offer a little foreshadowing of this pregnancy with the line “I put my lovin’ in your oven.” That you did, Mr. Kiedis. That you did.

Anthony Kiedis, Heather Christie, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stadium Arcadium, She’s Only 18

Not much to say on this one. The amazonian ex-wife of Sly Stallone has checked into rehab for treatment of an undisclosed condition, her manager confirmed Thursday. We never would have guessed she had a drug/alcohol/substance abuse problem since the last time we saw Nielsen she was making out with Flava Flav on VH-1. Looks like rehab isn’t just for twenty-somethings - suck it Lohan!

Brigitte Nielsen, rehab, Flava Flav, VH-1

Who doesn’t like personalized advice broadcast on the internet? Well Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis for one. Candy Spelling, aka Tori’s Mom, has been spewing unsolicited advice to the imprisoned booby purveyor courtesy of TMZ.com. Below are portions of a letter dated May 19th

Dear Joe,

As the headlines about you changed — to scream “imprisoned” and “U.S. marshals” instead of “filmmaker” and “entrepreneur,” you respond by crying, wailing and seeing yourself as a victim. Bad move. Today’s headlines call you a “crybaby.”

You blew it, Joe. Instead of jumping from party to party, you’re being shuffled from one prison to another. And no one feels sorry for you.

Your world has changed, and you’re the poster boy for what can happen when boys go wild. Your every move and every emotion are still being reported, but not the way you want. It’s time for some dignity. At least it might prevent you from being forever defined as a crybaby.

Sincerely,

Candy Spelling

Apparently Francis was read the note over the phone and wrote a well thought out response calling attention to the growing national problem of animal hoarding. We grew tired halfway through reading it so here are some highlights:

Dear Candy:

I don’t know you, I have never met you and I don’t know anything about you. After reading your letter posted on the internet, my mental picture of you is of a lonely old woman living in a mansion in Holmby Hills with let’s say 300 cats jumping around, some in their own feces.

I have tried to think to myself what would compel a woman such as yourself to write a letter to someone they have never met? Even worse, you are making up your mind based on headlines. I can understand you writing Paris Hilton a letter out of care because as you said in your letter, you have known her most of her life. Then again, it’s sad and pathetic you had the audacity to post that letter on the internet instead of just sending it to Paris personally.

I have never played a victim but I have always been a fighter. I will ultimately prevail in the matters at hand but I am concerned that you will die a lonely and unfulfilled person playing with those cats and posting open letters to people you have never met on the internet.

Sincerely,

Joe Francis

Despite the harsh words, Candy has chosen to ignore Francis’s letter and impart her wisdom on future unsuspecting celebs. Check back for relationship advice to the reunited and it feels so good couple of Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher along with Sotheby’s goldenshower boy Michael Jackson.

Joe Francis, Candy Spelling, animal hoarding, Joey Buttafuoco, Amy Fisher, Girls Gone Wild

Century Regional Detention Facility plays host to the newly dubbed The Penal Life staring parole violating sweetheart Paris Hilton. For 45 fun-filled days, the hotel heiress will be cozying up to 2200 fellow female felons as she goes through Blackberry, Starbucks and Stoli withdraw.

Sources say there’ll be no Nicole Richie this time around but Paris will share her zany adventures with 27-year-old cellmate Shanisha Johnson of Southeast L.A. Johnson, a former teenage prostitute and petty thief, says she’s looking forward to bonding with Hilton in the small two-person room.

“Yeah, that bitch ain’t in West Hollywood no more,” said Johnson, “she better not start whining about her jumpsuit neither cause somebody getting cut if I don’t get my beauty rest.”

The color of the jumpsuit Johnson referred to will be determined according to where she and Hilton are housed. Designed to show off nothing, the four summer-ready colors are blue, brown, white and always stunning, orange.

Cameras will follow Hilton as she goes about her daily routine of cowering in the corner, using her one hour of recreation to shower, exercise or talk on the phone, cowering some more and having long discussions with a face she’s drawn on her left hand.

Filming on The Penal Life begins June 5, when Hilton is scheduled to report to Century Regional. No word yet on whether her Chihuahua, Tinkerbell will be along for the ride.

Paris Hilton, Jail, Tinkerbell, Nicole Richie, Century Regional Detention Facility, Fox

The 2007 Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival was not just a rockin’ good time but an example of what can happen if you have too much of a rockin’ good time. First off Courtney Love…well there’s really no dirt on her but shit! If you push on her spine just right hundreds of grams of illicit drugs go shooting through her body causing her to look like this.

And we hate to keep picking on Drew Barrymore but look at her. You can almost hear the bong percolating.

Dear Perry Farrell, my mom called. She wants her shirt back.

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In other news the folks at Wonderfalls treatment facility will be pleased to see how well rehab is going for Lindsay Lohan. She apparently took the Hot in Here song literally at Fashion Loves Music Coachella after-party. I’m sure Lindsay wasn’t drinking it was just the ecstasy talking that made her display the bags of fun.

So what did we learn this Coachella? Well, we learned not to borrow clothes from Amy’s Mom without asking. We learned to always carry a box of Nutter Butters with us when we smoke up cause they’re so damn good. We learned rehab is for quitters and we learned that Courtney Love apparently has more lives than a pod of cats.

Perry Farrell, Courtney Love, Drew Barrymore, Lindsay Lohan, Coachella Music Festival, Amy’s Mom, Nutter Butters

Girls Gone Wild founder and professional douchbag Joe Francis was sentenced Monday to 35 days in jail after pleading guilty to contempt of court. According to Yahoo! News, Francis was “blowing his nose and wiping away tears” while entering his plea and receiving his sentence.

My first thought: “What a pussy! The man who became a multi-millionaire by objectifying women apparently cried like one when being sentenced to five weeks in what will probably be Camp F’n Cupcake. Sheesh!” But then I heard more about the court proceedings. Apparently, after offering Francis a wide variety of Jello shots and a free “County Jail” tank top, both the judge and several court officers began pressuring Francis to remove his shirt. Soon a baliff produced a video camera and filmed the proceedings as Francis was led away in handcuffs and the judge led a chant of “Take it off! Take it off!”

Upon completing his sentence, Francis’ community service will include both producing those cute videos of kitties and puppies that your grandma is always forwarding to you over email and having the crap kicked out of him by every older brother and male cousin ever born.

Joe Francis, Girls Gone Wild, contempt of court, douchebag

Unless you’ve been living on an Amish dairy farm for the past week, you’ve been bombarded by news of Don Imus and his hugely douchetastic comment about the Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team.

The leathery radio-host referred to the final-four champion team as “nappy-headed hoes,” along with a bevy of other offensive things. This started a frenzy of media coverage, which led to the firing of Imus from CBS yesterday.

All week long, many groups had been calling for Imus to be fired including the Revered Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, but inspiring words from Snoop Dogg made to MTV News may have been what did it.

“Kick him off the air forever,” said Snoop who then pontificated on the difference between Imus’ racist comments and the misogynist lyrics that permeate hip-hop.

“It’s a completely different scenario. (Rappers) are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We’re talking about hoes that’s in the ‘hood that ain’t doing shit, that’s trying to get a nigga for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain’t no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC going hard on black girls. We are rappers that have these songs coming from our minds and our souls that are relevant to what we feel. I will not let them muthafuckas say we are in the same league as him.”

Inspired by Snoop’s comments and events of the past week, Jesse Jackson plans on apologizing to Woody Allen for 1984’s “Hymietown” remark.

Don Imus, Snoop Dogg, CBS, MTV, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Woody Allen

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In a long line of dubious comeback roles, Sylvester Stallone has agreed to reanimate the character of John Rambo for the summer ’08 release Rambo 4: First Blood Par 6. Details of the plot were sketchy at press time. But an inside Trashy Celeb source caught up with Stallone this past weekend while he was in Australia to promote his latest Rocky film.

“He was difficult to understand,” said our unnamed source. “I think he said something about Papaya’s underpants.”

After telling our source they were crap, TC did some digging and found a plot outline to Rambo 4 online. It seems this time around mentally unstable war vet, John Rambo, is pushed to the limits and wages a one-man war against the Torrey Pines golf course in La Jolla, California.

Not much else is known about the project as it is being kept tight under wraps but it seems the tagline is “If hell had a name it would be Torrey Pines.”

Dear Mr. Ralph Fiennes:

We have received your application for admission into the Mile High Club, and while we appreciate your enthusiasm for our organization, I am afraid we are once again going to have to reject your application. At this time your aeronautic sexual encounters just don’t fit the rigid criteria we hold dear here at Mile High.

Your most recent “encounter,” while sounding good on paper, just cannot be properly verified. Chatting up an attractive flight attendant is a good start, but following her to the business class restroom where you supposedly “became amorous” is difficult to prove without verification from your Mile High partner. In this case, you were unable to prove that the encounter went forward to completion, and without additional verification from the flight attendant, and/or photographic or videographic evidence (obtained with full permission from said partner, of course) we are just not able to grant your admission.

What we find most disturbing about this situation is that during the flight in question you were traveling to India to promote HIV and safe sex awareness. And the last time I checked, condoms were not one of the perks offered to business class passengers. Frankly, Mr. Fiennes, that is too sketch, even for us. We do have standards.

As always, if you’d like to reapply at a later date, you are free to do so.

Sincerely,

Peter Ira Grinch
President, Mile High Club