Trashy Celebs

So what is up with super hot, cool funky women dating these older dudes. First, last week we heard that former Joan of Arcadia star Amber Tamblyn was dating David Cross (he’s 19 years her senior). And now some pictures popped up of The Big Chill - many other tall-Jew role acting Jeff Goldblum (it’s ok, we’re Jewish therefore can say that, happy Passover) and a mystery woman. We were shocked, appalled and bummed to learn that mystery woman than none other than the anti-Amy Winehouse, Imogen Heap. If you’re unfamiliar with Heap, pull out your copy of the Garden State soundtrack and listen to track #12, Let Go (actually her band Frou Frou). But Imogen has come out with some other amazing CD’s and kicks some major ass in concert. Girl, why you with Goldblum! I just don’t get it.

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Oh wow. Oh wow! OH WOW! What the hell happened here? Kids, this is what happens when you get addicted to botox and cigarettes. I mean, wow. I think that is botox? Maybe not, but it is something and that something is not biologically made. Well, not biologically made by Donatella herself, but maybe in a lab somewhere. Somewhere in the desert or maybe in Romania.

Donatella made an appearance today in the window of Barney’s as part of some sort of “live mannequin” display to launch her new menswear line. I somehow doubt she was holding very, very still and pretending to be an actual mannequin, but more likely was sipping martinis and smoking cigarettes. Perhaps she was even being attended to by a half dozen shirtless gay men.

Waify brit singer Joss Stone may have smoked a fag up the wrong tree this past weekend by singing the praises of cigarettes at a Cancer benefit. According to Contact Music.com,

The star was one of a number of celebrity guests at a New York Fashion Week bash on Saturday (2FEB08) to promote U.S. National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute’s (NHLBI) annual Heart Truth awareness campaign. When asked what she did to protect her heart, Stone, 20, revealed she smoked hand-rolled cigarettes - which she wrongly claimed are less harmful than pre-packaged ones. She told the New York Daily News, “In England we smoked rolled cigarettes. It’s better to smoke rollies than straights because straights have chemicals that keep them burning. So if you have to really smoke, smoke rollies.”

The article also referenced a 2006 study that established hand-rolled cigarettes are actually more likely to cause lung and oesophageal cancer. So if you’re reading this Joss, stepping into open man holes may cause falliness, knives are sharp and smokin’ rollies is still smoking dumbass.

The fine folks over at dlisted posted this picture that is going to give me nightmares forever and ever (Sweatin’ to the Brain Burn) so I had to rush right over here and share it with all of you. If I was a better, nicer person, I would put this behind a cut, but since I am not, and because if I have to know this, then you have to know this, it’s goin’ right here, front and center. Don’t say I didn’t warn you bitches.

Hot damn, people. If that isn’t sexy, then neither is Justin Timberlake. But seriously, did Simmons really have to do that? I mean, good for him for being in good shape and for being able to wear those little shorts and for having shaved his inner thighs. But now I am in the position of having to think about Richard Simmon’s underpants, and that is something I could have gone my whole entire life without thinking about. Because if I have to think about his underpants then I can’t help but think about how he has balls in that underwear and I REALLY don’t want to think about Richard Simmon’s balls, do you? (That is totally going to be the name of the next girl punk band I form: Richard Simmon’s Balls.) Before today, I was only afraid of Richard Simmon’s big old white-man ‘fro, which he’s been sportin’ for as long as I remember. Now I’m not only scared of the ‘fro, but I have a vague mental image of his nutsack, and seriously, there is just not enough gin in the world to erase that.

Oh boy, I hope my mom isn’t reading this.

Richard Simmons, manties, Richard Simmons’ balls

So there is a word in the U.K. slang lexicon prat which basically means, “fool;” indeed it was originally slang for “buttocks” (i.e. what Heidi Montag is rubbing up against him in the picture below.) Would you like me to use prat in a sentence to make it more clear? Sure! Spencer Pratt is a prat for thinking anyone gives a good goddamn about his little “sex tape.” Does that clear things up?

From the National Enquirer:

Talk about art imitating life! On The Hills this season, the plot-line involves Spencer Pratt being accused of spreading rumors about an alleged sex tape of Lauren Conrad – but in real life, says an inside source, Spencer’s actually got a sex tape of his own that shows him and a few buddies exploring the, er… hills and valleys of some smokin’ hot Brazilian babes!

(Note to Spencer’s fiancee, Heidi Montag: The alleged Samba Land group grope was lensed way before you two became betrothed, but know this: My source says Spencer showed the tape to a Hollywood video editor and repeatedly asked him to spruce it up – saying he might secretly release it into the marketplace while claiming it was “stolen,” a la Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, etc. The editor nixed the sleazy project, Heidi, so hopefully your betrothed has given up the idea, but…it wouldn’t hurt to ask, right?)

I swear, whenever I hear something about The Hills I always have to go and look it up again to figure out what in the world it is all about. This, for once, is not the fault of the show or the celebrities “celebrities” involved but is actually because I am one thousand years old. For those of you in my age range, I can tell you that the The Hills is a MTV reality show that is a spin-off of another popular MTV reality show Laguna Beach. The Hills apparently documents the trials, tribulations, free clinic visits and shoe-shopping sprees of one Lauren “L.C.” Conrad. Pratt apparently has a place on the show because he is the boyfriend/fiance of Conrad’s roommate, Heidi Montag. Do you even care about these rich people and the show documenting their lives? And did Pratt the Prat get so caught up on having every single mudane moment of his life (brush teeth, wear socks, feed dog, buy milk, fuck
Brazilian hottie, visit dentist) that he ended up recording parts of his sex life as well? Sheesh, dude, sometimes you have to turn the camera off.

Spencer Pratt, The Hills, Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, Laguna Beach

The United Kingdom’s Daily Mail reports that puker-faced actress Renee Zellweger went on a second date with older folk Sir Paul McCartney over the weekend. Ew.

Just days after being spotted cheek-to-cheek at a rock concert, Sir Paul McCartney and Renee Zellweger have enjoyed an intimate candlelit dinner.

The pair greeted each other with a tender hug at the exclusive American Hotel restaurant in Sag Harbour, New York.

Bridget Jones star Miss Zellweger - at 38, the same age as Sir Paul’s eldest daughter Mary - arrived first and chose a table near the fireplace.

Sir Paul, 65, arrived a few minutes later.

The pair lingered over their meal for two hours, talking quietly throughout.

Before parting, they embraced again.

We’re certain this one will last just as long as Sir Paul doesn’t begin wearing a Black Cowboy hat and singing country songs and Renee doesn’t mind being the same age as his daughter. Again, Ew.

Renee Zellweger, Paul McCartney, Gross

Pop star Fergie Fergatossed her cookies Saturday night at the Minnesota State Fair. After finishing her set on the main stage that night the Glamorous singer decided to take a ride on the big slide. Things went downhill quickly when Fergie yaked up some lovely lady lumps at the bottom of the ride.

Here’s an eyewitness account of the action thanks to Dlisted.com.

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Mark your calendars for Summer 08. That’s when Brokeback hottie Heath Ledger fills Jack Nicholson’s shoes as the Joker in the Batman sequel The Dark Knight. The choice is hardly intuitive, as Ledger will likely take an entirely different approach to the creepy role than Nicholson did.

The film which is set to premier in July 2008 will be directed by Batman Returns and Memento chief, Christopher Nolan, so it should be pretty awesome…wait, oh sorry wrong story, Leona Helmsley died yesterday. She won’t be in Batman but she is known as the queen of mean and did reportedly say “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.”

Despite this, Helmsley did try and turn her life around. Her charitable activities included a $25 million gift to New York Presbyterian Hospital, $5 million to Katrina relief and $5 million to help the families of firefighters after the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. No word how much she donated to Mary Kay Cosmetics.

Heath Ledger, Leona Helmsley, Batman, Christopher Nolan

If Clay Aiken is bringing the Sexy back, then bring on the granny panties because I sure as hell don’t want it anymore. In fact, he doesn’t need to bring it back; he can keep it and I’ll give him a full refund anyway! Cash, not store credit!

On the plus side, I’d love to see Madonna kick the crap out of him after seeing him do this:

Oh no, he’s not gay.

Clay Aiken, Sexyback, Vogue, Like a Virgina, Madonna, Justin Timberlake

So I read the other day that Red Hot Chili Pepper’s singer Anthony Kiedis, age FORTY-FRICKIN-FOUR and his girlfriend of two years, Heather Christie, age TWENTY (yes you read that right TWENTY) are expecting a baby.

Now some of you would tell me not to be judgmental and to you I say, “I’m paid to be judgmental! I’m a celebrity blogger.” But I have to say that this grosses me out. (Not the baby. I love babies!) I just can’t imagine an 18 year old Heather bringing home Anthony Freakin’ Kiedis to meet Mom and Dad. And then announce two years later that he’s going to be her baby-daddy? Wowza.

Apparently, the song “She’s Only 18” on the Chili Pepper’s most recent album, Stadium Arcadium is about Heather, so I turned to the lyrics for some insight. I can’t say they offered too much …. the only part that made any sense to me was the first verse: she’s only 18/don’t like the Rolling Stones/She took the shortcut/To being fully grown.” And all that really tells me is … that’s she’s 18. Although the song does offer a little foreshadowing of this pregnancy with the line “I put my lovin’ in your oven.” That you did, Mr. Kiedis. That you did.

Anthony Kiedis, Heather Christie, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stadium Arcadium, She’s Only 18

I left my home state just in time. Apparently Michael Jackson is looking to purchase property on Maryland’s Eastern Shore. The noseless wonder was touring homes for the day with his children in a rural peninsula but hasn’t made any definite decisions. The last I’d heard of Jackson he was working out a deal to perform nightly in Vegas, but I guess sand, surf and crustaceans trumps glitz, glamour and buffets.

Michael Jackson, Maryland, Crabs, Eastern Shore

Top Chef host and super hottie Padma Lakshmi and Satanic Verses author and super old guy Salman Rushdie are getting divorced. According to sources, the split was Lakshmi’s idea who is a full 24-years younger than Rushdie. This would be the fourth former Mrs. Salman Rushdie in the reclusive writer’s life.

Now, here at Trashy Celebs we do believe love is blind but we’re also really shallow and wonder how the fatwa this romance happened.

Theory Number One - Lakshmi has felt really bad since that whole Ayatollah Khomeini calling on Muslims to kill Rushdie in 1989 thing. So she decided to give it a go, take one for the team and marry the schlub.

Theory Number Two - Rushdie has incredible hook-ups. It’s been reported that Lakshmi is something of a pot-head and smoked often on the Top Chef set. She fell for Rushdie cause he’s got mad connections. We’re talking Cheech, Chong and Woody Harrelson combined.

Theory Number Three- Rushdie figured he’d tried the whole marriage thing with intellectuals and novelists, why not a Bollywood actress?

Theory Number Four - Can you think of a better way to get back at your parents then to marry Salman Rushdie?

Theory Number Five - Glitter co-star Mariah Carey triple-dog dared Lakshmi to marry Rushdie and Padma is one bitch who ain’t backin’ down from no triple-dog dare.

Salman Rushdie, Padma Lakshmi, Mariah Carey, Cheech and Chong, Woody Harrelson, The Satanic Verses, Top Chef

TMZ is reporting that (and it pains me to type this, it really does, but I will work through the pain, proving once again that we read the trash so you don’t have to) a few years ago (and TMZ swears this is from an “extremely well-placed source”) Scott Baio apparently knocked boots with Liza Minnelli.

Of course, maybe this is all just a publicity stunt related to his new show on VH-1, Scott Baio is 45 … and Single. According to the show’s synopsis, Baio is in the midst of a midlife crisis and with “nowhere else to turn,” is seeking help from a life-coach. And of course, VH-1 is there to record it all. Set your TiVos, folks. Maybe David Gest will show up as a guest star! (Gest-star? Ha? Nevermind.)

Scott Baio, Liza Minnelli, VH-1, Scott Baio is 45 … and Single, life coach, David Gest