Trashy Celebs

Oh Lordy. OH LORDY. Everyone’s favorite bisexual reality TV attention whore is looking for another Shot At Love …. parental love that is. Tila Tequila is looking to adopt a child and I am just wondering if some douchebag executive at MTV is trying to figure out a way to make that into another MTV reality show … A Shot At Dysfunction with Tila Tequila, anyone? What the hell?

In the article linked above Tila even admits she isn’t all that great at taking care of other living things. She had to give her dog away because the dog “didn’t like to travel.” And I’ve always said that raising a dog is the best way to test your readiness to have a kid. Tila, babies don’t always like to travel either. Just because they make those baby backpacks and car seats and pack n’ plays and the like, that doesn’t mean that your baby can’t wait to rack up the frequent flier miles. Those things are for the necessity of occasional travel with a baby … like to doctors appointments and baby yoga and Mommy and Me classes. (And as a side note MTV producers: I do not want to see any Shot at Love with Tila Tequila set in Mommy and Me classes, got it? Put those Blackberrys down.)

Whatever. I don’t know Tila Tequila and in her private life she might just be a very responsible loving parent and would raise a flock of very happy, well adjusted kids. But all I know of her (and all she has presented) is her public persona and well, I wouldn’t let that person adopt a fern.

And isn’t that just a little weird? It’s a little weird for me, anyway. I mean, my mom has heard of Jackass and knows my fondness for the show and the movies (and I believe my sister and I have shown her a clip or two) but I’m doubtful that she knows who Steve-O is, as his segments are the type that I generally would filter out. I mean, he has been know to perform some of the stranger/more disturbing stunts on the show, that frequently involve poo or vomit. And I would never, ever expose Amy’s grandma to a show like Jackass because she is a very sweet and respectable lady, and she likes me and I don’t want that to change.

So why are they going to know who Steve-O is? Well the rumor floating about lately is that Steve-O has made a verbal commitment to appear on Dancing With the Stars, a show that both my mom and Amy’s grandma are known to be fond of. In fact, my sister has had to remind me on more than one occasion not to call my mom on Monday nights and interrupt her watching the show. And now I have no way of timing things just right to call her and interrupt the show so she won’t witness him snorting wasabe and vomiting into his plate or stapling his own scrotum to his thigh. ABC, what in the world are you thinking? Do you even have insurance to cover this?

Need to skank your place up a bit? Going for a porn star them with your current redecorating projects? Looking for a truly unique gift for the porn fan in your life? Well hop on over to ebay then, and make a bid on Jena Jameson’s silk Armani couch. A bargain at $9,500 (and free shipping!)

I guess anyone who doesn’t keep his or her couch covered in those grandma-plastic things has a couch that is potentially dirty. I mean, the couch I am sitting on right now is covered in dog and cat hair, and has had anything from coffee to beer spilled on it. Not to mention it lately has seemed to be the place the dog has chosen to vomit over the past few months. Put poor Jenna Jameson may have trouble selling her fancy Armani couch just because of all the inevitable body fluid jokes. But hey, if that couch doesn’t sell on ebay, Jenna can always list it on the “free” section of Craigslist.

Oh, you bitches better count your lucky stars, because Trash Talker Lori had something really, really special planned for you today. Very special indeed. I’m sure it is something that would have changed your life forever, and by that, I mean you would have gone to school to learn a completely different language, preferably one using a completely different alphabet, so that you would never again have to read or hear words in the English language. What could I have written to inspire such a dramatic change in the lives of all Trashy Celebs readers?

I was going to live blog the Verne Troyner Sex Tape.

Just in case you skipped that last sentence, I was going to LIVE BLOG THE VERNE TROYNER SEX TAPE. Yes, that Verne Troyner.

You see, I came across a link to the Mini-Me sex tape and had enough grotesque curiosity to want to check it out. We aren’t allowed to post naughty things on this site, but I thought, since I can’t provide the video for those with the same grotesque curiosity, I could at least describe it! It couldn’t be more of a train wreck than the VMAs! But after clicking on the site and waiting and waiting and waiting I was taken to another page requesting $9.95 (for a week’s access to the video!) Why would I need a week’s access, unless it was to use the video as a sort of diet plan so I would either have no appetite or immediately throw up anything I had just eaten? OMG! Verne Troyner totally wants you to be either anorexic or bulimic!

Eating disorders aside, I think it’s best that I wasn’t able to live blog this total crime against all that is good and decent in the word of internet celebrity pornography. What’s next? A Dan Rather/Helen Thomas sex tape? For reals, people, this insanity has got to stop.

Wow, Clay Aiken has sperm! Who knew? I mean, I didn’t even think he had testicles. He’s a fine enough singer, I guess, and his apparently holding his own on Broadway but I never really thought about him doing anything like fathering a child (or rather, in this case, providing some of the necessary ingredients to do so). It’s just such a manly thing to do, and Clay Aiken has a hairstyle a lot like my second cousin Cheryl, who just got a job as a flight attendant for Continental Airlines. I’m just saying.

Rumor has it that the Aiken is helping his “best friend,” one Jaymes Foster, to become a mother. The 50-year old Foster has produced a couple of Aiken’s albums, so he is returning the favor and producing her first child. Sounds like …. an unfair trade to me.

I do have to wonder if Aiken was really Foster’s first choice to be her Baby Daddy. I mean, Clay Aiken is not our American Idol, even though he is arguably more famous that anyone else from that show. He didn’t even win his season! America did not choose him as their Idol, so I wonder why Foster chose him as Daddy. Perhaps Ruben Studdard was unavailable. Or maybe Ruben WAS Foster’s first choice in the American Idol Baby Daddy competition and received all the telephone and text messaging votes, but somehow Aiken snuck in with his goofy white boy looks and Breck Girl hair and somehow ended up more successful, with a spot as Father of the Year, while poor Ruben Studdard is just that lonely great-uncle that no one ever remembers to invite for Thanksgiving dinner.

So what is up with super hot, cool funky women dating these older dudes. First, last week we heard that former Joan of Arcadia star Amber Tamblyn was dating David Cross (he’s 19 years her senior). And now some pictures popped up of The Big Chill - many other tall-Jew role acting Jeff Goldblum (it’s ok, we’re Jewish therefore can say that, happy Passover) and a mystery woman. We were shocked, appalled and bummed to learn that mystery woman than none other than the anti-Amy Winehouse, Imogen Heap. If you’re unfamiliar with Heap, pull out your copy of the Garden State soundtrack and listen to track #12, Let Go (actually her band Frou Frou). But Imogen has come out with some other amazing CD’s and kicks some major ass in concert. Girl, why you with Goldblum! I just don’t get it.

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Oh wow. Oh wow! OH WOW! What the hell happened here? Kids, this is what happens when you get addicted to botox and cigarettes. I mean, wow. I think that is botox? Maybe not, but it is something and that something is not biologically made. Well, not biologically made by Donatella herself, but maybe in a lab somewhere. Somewhere in the desert or maybe in Romania.

Donatella made an appearance today in the window of Barney’s as part of some sort of “live mannequin” display to launch her new menswear line. I somehow doubt she was holding very, very still and pretending to be an actual mannequin, but more likely was sipping martinis and smoking cigarettes. Perhaps she was even being attended to by a half dozen shirtless gay men.

Waify brit singer Joss Stone may have smoked a fag up the wrong tree this past weekend by singing the praises of cigarettes at a Cancer benefit. According to Contact Music.com,

The star was one of a number of celebrity guests at a New York Fashion Week bash on Saturday (2FEB08) to promote U.S. National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute’s (NHLBI) annual Heart Truth awareness campaign. When asked what she did to protect her heart, Stone, 20, revealed she smoked hand-rolled cigarettes - which she wrongly claimed are less harmful than pre-packaged ones. She told the New York Daily News, “In England we smoked rolled cigarettes. It’s better to smoke rollies than straights because straights have chemicals that keep them burning. So if you have to really smoke, smoke rollies.”

The article also referenced a 2006 study that established hand-rolled cigarettes are actually more likely to cause lung and oesophageal cancer. So if you’re reading this Joss, stepping into open man holes may cause falliness, knives are sharp and smokin’ rollies is still smoking dumbass.

The fine folks over at dlisted posted this picture that is going to give me nightmares forever and ever (Sweatin’ to the Brain Burn) so I had to rush right over here and share it with all of you. If I was a better, nicer person, I would put this behind a cut, but since I am not, and because if I have to know this, then you have to know this, it’s goin’ right here, front and center. Don’t say I didn’t warn you bitches.

Hot damn, people. If that isn’t sexy, then neither is Justin Timberlake. But seriously, did Simmons really have to do that? I mean, good for him for being in good shape and for being able to wear those little shorts and for having shaved his inner thighs. But now I am in the position of having to think about Richard Simmon’s underpants, and that is something I could have gone my whole entire life without thinking about. Because if I have to think about his underpants then I can’t help but think about how he has balls in that underwear and I REALLY don’t want to think about Richard Simmon’s balls, do you? (That is totally going to be the name of the next girl punk band I form: Richard Simmon’s Balls.) Before today, I was only afraid of Richard Simmon’s big old white-man ‘fro, which he’s been sportin’ for as long as I remember. Now I’m not only scared of the ‘fro, but I have a vague mental image of his nutsack, and seriously, there is just not enough gin in the world to erase that.

Oh boy, I hope my mom isn’t reading this.

Richard Simmons, manties, Richard Simmons’ balls

So there is a word in the U.K. slang lexicon prat which basically means, “fool;” indeed it was originally slang for “buttocks” (i.e. what Heidi Montag is rubbing up against him in the picture below.) Would you like me to use prat in a sentence to make it more clear? Sure! Spencer Pratt is a prat for thinking anyone gives a good goddamn about his little “sex tape.” Does that clear things up?

From the National Enquirer:

Talk about art imitating life! On The Hills this season, the plot-line involves Spencer Pratt being accused of spreading rumors about an alleged sex tape of Lauren Conrad – but in real life, says an inside source, Spencer’s actually got a sex tape of his own that shows him and a few buddies exploring the, er… hills and valleys of some smokin’ hot Brazilian babes!

(Note to Spencer’s fiancee, Heidi Montag: The alleged Samba Land group grope was lensed way before you two became betrothed, but know this: My source says Spencer showed the tape to a Hollywood video editor and repeatedly asked him to spruce it up – saying he might secretly release it into the marketplace while claiming it was “stolen,�? a la Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, etc. The editor nixed the sleazy project, Heidi, so hopefully your betrothed has given up the idea, but…it wouldn’t hurt to ask, right?)

I swear, whenever I hear something about The Hills I always have to go and look it up again to figure out what in the world it is all about. This, for once, is not the fault of the show or the celebrities “celebrities” involved but is actually because I am one thousand years old. For those of you in my age range, I can tell you that the The Hills is a MTV reality show that is a spin-off of another popular MTV reality show Laguna Beach. The Hills apparently documents the trials, tribulations, free clinic visits and shoe-shopping sprees of one Lauren “L.C.” Conrad. Pratt apparently has a place on the show because he is the boyfriend/fiance of Conrad’s roommate, Heidi Montag. Do you even care about these rich people and the show documenting their lives? And did Pratt the Prat get so caught up on having every single mudane moment of his life (brush teeth, wear socks, feed dog, buy milk, fuck
Brazilian hottie, visit dentist) that he ended up recording parts of his sex life as well? Sheesh, dude, sometimes you have to turn the camera off.

Spencer Pratt, The Hills, Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, Laguna Beach

The United Kingdom’s Daily Mail reports that puker-faced actress Renee Zellweger went on a second date with older folk Sir Paul McCartney over the weekend. Ew.

Just days after being spotted cheek-to-cheek at a rock concert, Sir Paul McCartney and Renee Zellweger have enjoyed an intimate candlelit dinner.

The pair greeted each other with a tender hug at the exclusive American Hotel restaurant in Sag Harbour, New York.

Bridget Jones star Miss Zellweger - at 38, the same age as Sir Paul’s eldest daughter Mary - arrived first and chose a table near the fireplace.

Sir Paul, 65, arrived a few minutes later.

The pair lingered over their meal for two hours, talking quietly throughout.

Before parting, they embraced again.

We’re certain this one will last just as long as Sir Paul doesn’t begin wearing a Black Cowboy hat and singing country songs and Renee doesn’t mind being the same age as his daughter. Again, Ew.

Renee Zellweger, Paul McCartney, Gross

Pop star Fergie Fergatossed her cookies Saturday night at the Minnesota State Fair. After finishing her set on the main stage that night the Glamorous singer decided to take a ride on the big slide. Things went downhill quickly when Fergie yaked up some lovely lady lumps at the bottom of the ride.

Here’s an eyewitness account of the action thanks to Dlisted.com.

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Mark your calendars for Summer 08. That’s when Brokeback hottie Heath Ledger fills Jack Nicholson’s shoes as the Joker in the Batman sequel The Dark Knight. The choice is hardly intuitive, as Ledger will likely take an entirely different approach to the creepy role than Nicholson did.

The film which is set to premier in July 2008 will be directed by Batman Returns and Memento chief, Christopher Nolan, so it should be pretty awesome…wait, oh sorry wrong story, Leona Helmsley died yesterday. She won’t be in Batman but she is known as the queen of mean and did reportedly say “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.”

Despite this, Helmsley did try and turn her life around. Her charitable activities included a $25 million gift to New York Presbyterian Hospital, $5 million to Katrina relief and $5 million to help the families of firefighters after the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. No word how much she donated to Mary Kay Cosmetics.

Heath Ledger, Leona Helmsley, Batman, Christopher Nolan

If Clay Aiken is bringing the Sexy back, then bring on the granny panties because I sure as hell don’t want it anymore. In fact, he doesn’t need to bring it back; he can keep it and I’ll give him a full refund anyway! Cash, not store credit!

On the plus side, I’d love to see Madonna kick the crap out of him after seeing him do this:

Oh no, he’s not gay.

Clay Aiken, Sexyback, Vogue, Like a Virgina, Madonna, Justin Timberlake

So I read the other day that Red Hot Chili Pepper’s singer Anthony Kiedis, age FORTY-FRICKIN-FOUR and his girlfriend of two years, Heather Christie, age TWENTY (yes you read that right TWENTY) are expecting a baby.

Now some of you would tell me not to be judgmental and to you I say, “I’m paid to be judgmental! I’m a celebrity blogger.” But I have to say that this grosses me out. (Not the baby. I love babies!) I just can’t imagine an 18 year old Heather bringing home Anthony Freakin’ Kiedis to meet Mom and Dad. And then announce two years later that he’s going to be her baby-daddy? Wowza.

Apparently, the song “She’s Only 18” on the Chili Pepper’s most recent album, Stadium Arcadium is about Heather, so I turned to the lyrics for some insight. I can’t say they offered too much …. the only part that made any sense to me was the first verse: she’s only 18/don’t like the Rolling Stones/She took the shortcut/To being fully grown.” And all that really tells me is … that’s she’s 18. Although the song does offer a little foreshadowing of this pregnancy with the line “I put my lovin’ in your oven.” That you did, Mr. Kiedis. That you did.

Anthony Kiedis, Heather Christie, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stadium Arcadium, She’s Only 18