Trashy Celebs

Aww snap, Ms. Gravity is back and she’s barking mad at American Idol judge Paula Abdul…and her little dog too. Apparently Abdul tripped and broke her schnoze to avoid falling on her Chihuahua, Tulip. She goes into an explanation below and is seemingly angry at Tulip for not being more appreciative of her selfless deed.

When asked Tulip replied, “Excuse her! I’m not the one who thought doing her Jane Fonda with Kettle One instead of Aquafina was a good idea.”

“Amen sista,” added Ms. Gravity. “She needs to Rush, Rush her crazy ass to some therapy before she almost falls on more of God’s creatures.”

“Paula did seem to have two left feet on particular Sundays,” said forgotten crappy animated singer and “Opposites Attract” Abdul costar, MC Scat Cat. “But I abhor the negative publicity she receives about her possible drinking problem.”

“Whatever,” said Ms. Gravity. “For me there’s only one American Idol and that’s Kelly Clarkson. Paula, Randy and Simon should be a Where are They Now show on VH-1, not finishing up thier sixth season.”

Paula Abdul, American Idol, gravity, MC Scat Cat, Kelly Clarkson, Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell, Chihuahua, Tulip, Kettle One, Aquafina

Okay, so it seems that Criss Angel is some sort of wicked cool amazing magician because this past weekend he apparently turned Robin Leach (left) into Cameron Diaz.

Sources say that Angel and “Cameron Diaz” were seen dining together Monday night in Las Vegas before attending a performance of Cirque du Soleil’s Love, based on the songs of the Beatles. The two “met” the previous Saturday at the VH-1 Rock Honors (and what either of them were doing THERE, I do not know. I guess anyone who has slept with a musician or uh, listened to music, gets an invite to that one) before partying along with “Cameron Diaz’” friend and perpetual wingman, Drew Barrymore at the Jet Nightclub. Apparently Angel’s sorcery was so good even Barrymore didn’t recognize her best friend was actually the former host of television’s Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

At midnight Monday, Diaz turned back into Robin Leach, then went to the airport to fly back to Obscuretown.

Authorities are planning to contact Minnie Driver, previously linked with Angel, to see if she was actually dating him or if he really went on all those dates with a magically transformed Wayne Brady.

Criss Angel, Cameron Diaz, Robin Leach, Drew Barrymore, Mind Freak, Cirque du Soleil, VH-1 Rock Honors, Jet Nightclub, Minne Driver, Wayne Brady

Century Regional Detention Facility plays host to the newly dubbed The Penal Life staring parole violating sweetheart Paris Hilton. For 45 fun-filled days, the hotel heiress will be cozying up to 2200 fellow female felons as she goes through Blackberry, Starbucks and Stoli withdraw.

Sources say there’ll be no Nicole Richie this time around but Paris will share her zany adventures with 27-year-old cellmate Shanisha Johnson of Southeast L.A. Johnson, a former teenage prostitute and petty thief, says she’s looking forward to bonding with Hilton in the small two-person room.

“Yeah, that bitch ain’t in West Hollywood no more,� said Johnson, “she better not start whining about her jumpsuit neither cause somebody getting cut if I don’t get my beauty rest.�

The color of the jumpsuit Johnson referred to will be determined according to where she and Hilton are housed. Designed to show off nothing, the four summer-ready colors are blue, brown, white and always stunning, orange.

Cameras will follow Hilton as she goes about her daily routine of cowering in the corner, using her one hour of recreation to shower, exercise or talk on the phone, cowering some more and having long discussions with a face she’s drawn on her left hand.

Filming on The Penal Life begins June 5, when Hilton is scheduled to report to Century Regional. No word yet on whether her Chihuahua, Tinkerbell will be along for the ride.

Paris Hilton, Jail, Tinkerbell, Nicole Richie, Century Regional Detention Facility, Fox

Forgotten by all but reality television, CHiPS star Erik Estrada received a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame at a Thursday afternoon ceremony.

The 58-year-old actor said his appearance on CHiPs satisfied two of his dreams.

“One, of course, a certain amount of success in the entertainment business, for which I really am extremely grateful and I’m very proud,� Estrada said. “But equally important, it represents my childhood dream of becoming a police officer.�

Becoming one of more than 2000 stars located along Hollywood Bouvelvard and Vine Streets, the stars apparently aren’t very hard to obtain. Also receiving stars that day were your mom and the above-mentioned stick of Doublemint.

As for the future, Estrada is looking forward to being typecast as a grinning goof for reality television, the gum wants to provide long-lasting flavor and your mom just wants you to be free of navel lint.

The Top Ten Least Surprising Things to Happen At That Jackass Bam Margera’s Wedding:

10. The whole thing was just another Jackass stunt that got “a little out of hand.”

9. Wee-man and Preston Lacy finally stopped chasing each other and admitted they are totally in love.

8. Chris “Party Boy” Pontius wore a white banana hammock and bow tie, totally outshining the bride.

7. Johnny Knoxville dipped his junk in a glass of champagne.

6. The entire wedding party had dick farms branded on their asses.

5. Steve-O peed on the bar.

4. Ryan Dunn shoved the rings up his butt and had an x-ray taken.

3. Don Vito “accidentally grazed” the breasts of all the wedding guests when handing out the gift bags.

2. The bride and groom left for their honeymoon on rocket-powered skateboards.

1. They filmed the whole thing for yet another crappy reality show on MTV.