Trashy Celebs

If you know anything about the Trash Talkers you know a) we love to refer to ourselves in the third person and b) we love our country (we just think a lot of her citizens are complete flippin’ idiots). Luckily we don’t encounter many of these morons, with the exception of some family members, but the internets are great for spotting people with opinions of the wrongest kind.

President Obama took in a B-Ball game in DC last week. The reports weren’t about how we have a cool, laid-back pres who chats with and gives high-fives to people watching the game but criticism over this image of Obama enjoying a cold one.

One caller to WWL In New Orleans complained, “People are losing 5, 10, 20 thousand dollars a day in the stock market, and he’s sitting there drinking a beer!” She also said, “It’s insulting… there’s a lot of people suffering.” She insisted President Obama should not publicly have fun during a time of so much pain.

Rule #1 of a recession: No one can have any fun of any kind ever.

Another woman was upset about the courtside presidential beer. “The president is the president 24 hours a day. I don’t think he should drink on the job.”

Really? The man is going to be pres for at least four years. Does that mean he can’t sleep on the job, poo on the job and have relations with the first lady on the job? Whatever people, the days of prohibition and alcoholic presidents are way over. Let the man enjoy a nine dollar bud light like the rest of us.

Hey all you other parents out there, you have officially been outdone. Yesterday was truly one of the most historic days in the history of the US. Sure there was that whole Barack Obama being sworn in as the first African American President along with being all kinds of an awesome guy (with a hot, brilliant wife to boot). But yesterday they became the most awesomest parents EVER (if you’re a tween girl).

That’s because, while the Obamas were shakin’ they’re groove thang all over D.C., they gave a very special “First Night In the White House Gift” to daughters Malia and Sasha. The girls to invite over a couple of friends for an exclusive home screening of High School Musical 3 and Bolt.

But it didn’t end with Zac Effron’s dreamy locks on the presidental flat screen. No, the girls were then given a White House scavenger hunt to complete, in an effort to familiarize them with their new home. And get this. At the end of Malia and Sasha’s scavenger late-night hunt, they opened a door to discover their favorite musical performers:The Jonas Brothers— the pop boy band sensation who first exploded on the Disney Channel and also appeared earlier this week at the Kids’ Inaugural Concert.

Damn! When we had scavenger hunts as a kid all we got where red balls attached to cheap paddles with a breakable rubber band.

In other Inaugural news, the party didn’t end with the balls. Reportedly the Obamas hosted an exclusive late night gathering at the White House after coming home from dancing at ten balls.

The party was intended for very close Obama friends and family and was scheduled between midnight and 2:30 a.m. Invitees were told the Obamas’ may not show. But they did. Michelle reportedly had had it and cut out early but Obama stayed to hang with Oprah and a bunch of other people who aren’t as famous as Oprah.

Among those present:

Oprah Winfrey
Valerie Jarrett
David Axelrod
Mayor Daley
Craig Robinson
Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.)
Rep. Melissa Bean (D-Ill.)
Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill.)
Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-Ill.)
Rep. Artur Davis (D-Alabama)

The Bush family cat, India, has died after 18 years of glorging on Laura’s shoes, the White House reported on Monday.

The black female Shorthair was named after the former Texas Ranger baseball player, Ruben Sierra, who was called “El India” and not after those brown people who chase “Tutunka” from the Kevin Costner movie as President Bush had previously told people.

The kitty was actually given the name by Bush’s daughter Barbara. And when Barbara and her twin sister, Jenna, went away to college, the cat stayed at the White House, specifically to ward off black spirit of Karl Rove who’s relentless pursuit of the blood of infidels proved to be increasingly irritating.

The Bushes “are deeply saddened,” first lady Laura Bush’s spokeswoman, Sally McDonough, said this morning. “India was a beloved member of the Bush family for almost two decades. She will be greatly missed.”

The Bush family has two other pets, Barney and Miss Beasley, both Scottish terrier dogs. While Miss Beasley continued on with her normal daily routine of sleeping at barking at pillows, the attention craving Barney was suspiciously distant from the media.

“Barney is loco, esai,” said one White House staffer who preferred to not be identified. “That pooch is insane in the membrane.” The staffer went on to relay what a prima donna Barney was during the filming of the White House Christmas Video. And would go on inaudible barking tangents when India made a cameo on Laura’s lap.

“He just wanted it to be him and that semi-retarded Ms. Beasley returning to Texas, but you haven’t heard that from me,” said the staffer.

No reports on where India will be laid to rest but President Bush was asked to refrain from attempting to flush her down the Presidential can.

Oy. So according to a Gallup/Harris poll released Monday, 37 percent of American citizens can’t identify their home country on a map of the United States. Sure it was only 1400 people surveyed and they were all Two and a Half Men fans but c’mon! If you know where the five closest McDonalds are you really shouldn’t think your country is located in the map’s legend. I shit you not, check it!

Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security sees the Gallup/Harris poll results as a blessing in disguise. According to Secretary Michael Chertoff, the nation would be better off if these numbers skewed even higher.

According to the Huffington, Post Chertoff said, “Personally, I believe if fewer people in this world could spot America on a map, we’d have a much better chance of avoiding national tragedies like 9/11. You can’t attack a country you can’t find.”

What Chertoff didn’t realize was that 98.5% of terrorists have absolutely no problem identifying America on a map. In fact, they too can locate the five closest McDonalds to their attack destination. (those freakin’ McNuggets are just too damn tantalizing!)

If that’s not embarrassing enough, The White House yesterday released a very Barney Christmas video on the internets. President Bush, when not having footwear chucked at his melon, looks to have potential as a sitcom actor. Too bad Laura, Barbara, Jenna and her hubby had to lay a big old stink bomb on the thing. Check it out in all its Technicolor creepiness.

We really don’t think Barney would be having daydreams about Olympic gold unless there was a reward of human flesh at the end. And Micheal Phelps, really I thought you were better than that. Or maybe I didn’t.

So the entire state of California has my vote for D-Bag of the week. Well maybe not the entire state, just the 52% of it’s voting population who thinks gay people shouldn’t get married. And now Attorney Mathew D. Staver, who has argued before the California Supreme Court against same-sex marriage, said he’s confident that the state’s 18,000-plus gay marriages will be annulled. He intends to argue that “constitutional amendments are retroactive.” Biggest D-Bag of D-baggery.

But in good news, Shannon Minter, legal director for the National Center for Lesbian Rights, is taking this to court. “It would be almost unthinkable to retroactively take away somebody’s marriage status – it would be completely unprecedented and it almost defies description.”

It’s now up to the California Supreme Court which will hear the case. They previously voted 4-3 in favor of gay marriage.

Melissa Etheridge, upset over the passing of Prop 8 has vowed to withhold the buckets of money the state would have reaped from her taxes threw down on her website.

Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen. I mean that would just be wrong, to make someone pay taxes and not give them the same rights, sounds sort of like that taxation without representation thing from the history books. Okay, cool I don’t mean to get too personal here but there is a lot I can do with the extra half a million dollars that I will be keeping instead of handing it over to the state of California. Oh, and I am sure Ellen will be a little excited to keep her bazillion bucks that she pays in taxes too. Wow, come to think of it, there are quite a few of us fortunate gay folks that will be having some extra cash this year. What recession? We’re gay!

The Trash Talkers don’t live in California, in fact our state legislated hate years before we moved here. But still we’re taking this as mean-spirited decision personally and really hope our friends on the left coast can remain happily married husbands.

but well worth it Mr. President.

At Trashy Celebs one of our favorite past times (besides watching celebs screw up royaly) is football. Well I shouldn’t say we, more I enjoy parking my butt on the couch Sunday afternoons, laptop in lap watching my Ravens and whoever else is playing that affects my fantasy teams.

Anyway, I prefer to stray away from reading too much about my favorite football players just because I don’t want to have to hate them if they say something completely homophobic. So I was pleasantly surprised to find out one of the game’s greatest QB’s, 49ers number 8 Steve Young has a few No on 8 signs in front of his California mansion.

But the funny thing is that Young isn’t only a Hall of Fame quarterback. He’s also the great-great-great grandson of Brigham Young, the second president of the Mormon church. The “church” has pushed hard and publicly for Prop. 8 and urged all Mormons to put as much as they possibly can into the campaign.

According to reports though it was Steve’s wife, Barbara who’s behind the signs. She has donated $50,000 to defeat the hate-filled proposition and released the following statement.

“We believe ALL families matter and we do not believe in discrimination, therefore, our family will vote against Prop. 8,” she said.

Later, she clarified her remarks with this update: “To expand on my earlier email, I am very passionate about this issue and Steve is completely supportive of me and my work for equality. We both love our Church and are grateful that our Church encourages us to vote our conscience. Steve prefers not to get involved politically on any issue no matter what the cause and therefore makes no endorsement.”

Thanks for the support Barb and Young family. Don’t forget to vote tomorrow where ever you may be in the US!

Without an 2000ish snafu, the end of the election is four weeks away. Yaaay! As you know we love live-blogging shit on TV. We feel it gives our four or five readers a sense of what it’s like to sit on our pet hair-infused couch and watch television with us. (This experience will soon be picked up by Epcot Center as a sensory experience ride so consider this a preview.)

Anyway, it’s almost eight o’clock on a Tuesday, and that means we’re drunk. So we’ve asked our senior political analysts, Muriel the Pug and Jake the Cat to do the work for us.

Amy: Good evening pets. Are you ready to watch the debate from Nashville?

Muriel: I LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC! THAT’S FROM NASHVILLE TOO!

Jake: Girl, I’m glad you’re too short to drive because I don’t want to ride in the car listening to no Keith Urban.

Muriel: DONNA BRAZILE IS MY BOO!

Amy: Let me state before the debate gets started that both Muriel and Jake are undecided voters. So we really have the pulse of the nation represented in our pets as they’re both swing voters.

Muriel: I SWING BOTH WAYS!

Jake: Girl, your ass doesn’t count as a partner.

Muriel: I NAMED IT DONNA BRAZILE! I LOVE IT VERY MUCH!

Amy: Anyway, we’re about to get started. Take it away pets, wake me if anything interesting happens.

Muriel: THANK YOU VERY MUCH OWNER AMY! READERS, AS WE FACE AN INCREDIBLY COMPLEX TIME IN OUR NATION’S HISTORY I ASK YOU NOT TO FAULT ME FOR BEING UNDECIDED!

Jake: No but we can fault you for that odor. Why on earth do you smell like four-week old Cheetos?

Muriel: THAT IS MY OWN SPECIAL ODOR! IT IS MY ODE TO JOHN MCCAIN!

Jake: Well it reeks of old man balls.

Muriel: YES

Jake: According to McCain the American Dream is to just stay in your home. Girl, that’s all I do. No one let’s me out.

Muriel: OUT? I WANT TO GO OUT! I’M GOING TO SIT BY THE DOOR UNTIL SOMEONE LETS ME OUT! IF YOU DON’T LET ME OUT I’M GOING TO PEE ON THE FLOR SQUARES IN A VERY HARD TO REACH PLACE!

Jake: Girl if you gonna bail on this and go outside then I’m out. If you need me I’ll be in the kitchen staring at the drawer where the treats are.

83 minutes later….

Amy: Ok, just got up and from the looks of it the debates are over. Let’s see what the pets did…Uh, yeah. Well we’ve got one more debate left, I think I’ll handle that one myself.

We’ve recently seen high-profile celebs such as Brad Pitt and Steven Spielberg give 100k each to the No on 8 Campaign, which will protect marriage equality in California by defeating Proposition 8.

If you’re unfamiliar with it, No on 8 is a historic, winnable campaign that can propel the national LGBT movement forward. Its outcome will affect the lives of LGBT people across the nation. But the opposition is currently out-fundraising us at a rate of 3:2. To win, a national network of LGBT folks and allies must dig deep and give to this critical campaign.

But what about other wealthy folks? Namely the super wealthy queer folks who have more than enough cash to help some sisters out.

Ms. Ellen Degeneres is one such celeb, and while we’re happy she blogged about the initiative yesterday (in a slightly rambling way), we’re hoping she’ll do some talkin’ with dollars. That’s why some lovely friends of ours have launched a facebook group called Get Ellen to Give.

We hope in the next few days or weeks Ellen will show us some love but until then, show her you care and want her to help in ways us common folks can’t. Check out The Progressive Project for more information.

Can we call this spin? Sarah Palin is claiming to “approve of” Tina Fey’s impersonation of her from the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. A smart move, because all of America loved Tina Fey’s impersonation of her, so it wouldn’t be smart to get all sour lemon face about it now, would it?

Vice presidential candidate SARAH PALIN was left stunned by TINA FEY’s impersonation of her on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE this weekend (13Sep08) - because the politician once went to a party dressed as the comedienne.

Fey opened the show on Saturday dressed as Palin, in a sketch alongside co-star Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton.

Republican Palin was watching from home - and has since sent her approval.

Her spokesperson Tracey Schmitt says, “She thought it was quite funny, particularly because she once dressed up as Tina Fey for Halloween.”

Now we know that Hillary Clinton approves of Amy Poehler’s impression of her, so it only makes good political sense for Palin to “approve” as well. What she should be thinking about is if Tina Fey “approves” of Palin dressing up as her for Halloween. Something tells me that Fey won’t have much to say about that publicly, but will have her lawyer quietly send along a cease-and-desist notice. Just sayin’.

So last night was the 34th season premiere of Saturday Night Live, and perhaps the most eagerly anticipated opener in the show’s history. No, not because Kristin Wiig washed a pair of trousers on host Michael Phelps’s abs (although that would have been pretty awesome.) No, the wild and wacky election season that is upon us and in particular, who would play Alaska governor Sarah Palin. Please, let it be Tina Fey, please let it be Tina Fey.

YES! Fey, the “30 Rock” creator and most awesomest funny lady there is, returned to SNL last night to play Palin in a brilliant impersonation, knocking it out of the park. Check it for yourself.

Love Her! And of course Amy Poehler doing a killer Hillary. “In conclusion, I invite the media to grow a pair. And if you can’t, I will lend you mine.” HA!

So since Palin was introduced to the lower 48 and rest of the world, many important people have been voicing their opposition and concern about what would happen if she were to be Vice Pres. First Matt Damon doesn’t mince words while talking about Palin. If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, Damon compares her rise to a ‘really bad Disney movie’ and says it’s crazy that this woman could become President. Oh, and he’s really concerned about her views on dinosaurs

And then there’s Pamela Anderson. While we agree with Matt Damon, The large plastic chested one really kind of expresses our sentiments about Palin in a clear and concise manner.

“I can’t stand her, she can suck it,” says Anderson. We can’t wait for her insight and analysis after the upcoming debates.

Oh how I love live blogging. Not only do I not have to go searching for some good gossip, I get to write fast and not edit myself, throwing annoying nuisances like spelling and grammar out the window. So why not live blog Sarah Palin’s address to the Republican National Convention? Lori has left the room to balance our check book, not able to stomach the lies and hot air. But I am a trooper so here we go.

9:27 - Rudi Gulliani is still yammering on with his intro. Luckily I just finished watching Project Runway and tivoed this bitch so fast forward here we go.

9:29 - What’s Tina Fey doing there? Oh wait that is Palin. SNL needs to bring Ms. Fey back to play her cause she’s a dead ringer.

9:32 - Those conservative fucks stop cheering and the hot librarian starts talking.

9:32 - Sarah Palin accepts the RNC’s nom to be VP. Did someone just do an Arsenio dog pound bark?

9:33 - Damn the woman’s section of WalMart sure has a strong showing in the crowd.

9:34 - Lori from the other room “She sounds like she’s reading Yertle the Turtle to a group of elementary school students.”

9:37 - Bristol and Willow and Piper are her daughter’s names and are also towns in Virginia.

9:42 - Palin says she’s just an average Hockey mom. You’re in the lower 48 Missy! It’s soccer mom here!

9:41 - Lori wonders if they gave Levi Johnston a gameboy to keep him busy.

9:43 - The delgates sure are screaming and cheering a lot for someone who’s not really saying anything.

9:45 - I was temporarily blinded by Cindy McCain’s dress. What shade of Satan’s vomit is that?

9:47 - If Palin goes to Washington she wants to leave this nation better than she found it. That actually won’t be hard to do.

9:47-52 A bunch of rhetoric about what she did for Alaska that the audience feels they need to clap for.

9:53 - Fuck the pine trees and snow bunnies! Let’s drill in AK!

9:55 - Oh boy. Here comes the Obama attacks - all low blows and nothing of substance or truth.

9:58 - I don’t think I can be funny anymore because I’m just mad now.

10:08 - I just uncurled myself from the ball of frustration and fear for the future of our country to hear the end of her speech. Palin ends by saying “if change is the goal we share than join our cause. and help America elect a great man as the next president of the United States. Elect Barack Obama! Oh fooey, my bad. I mean elect John McCain.”