Trashy Celebs

Another one of those tips your mother never taught you:

Guys, see what we have to go through?

Tyra Banks, public bathrooms, peeing

Come Monday, talk-show host and queen of polite ha-ha Ellen Degeneres has a line of greeting cards coming to a drugstore near you. In a partnership with American Greetings you’ll be able to purchase 32 cards carrying Degeneres’s unique brand of nervous chatterish insight.

“I look at having a line of cards as another extension of being a host; helping you wish your loved ones well, piggybacking on your birthday greetings,” the comedian said in a statement. “I like to be up in the middle of everything, and doing it this way is much easier than crashing parties.”

A sneak peak at some of the cards displays Ellen’s brand of with that made The Ellen Degeneres Show such a hit.

Anniversary - Roses are red violets are blue…well they’re actually more of a fuchsia don’t you think? Fuchsia, heh, that reminds me I promised to paint my grandma’s kitchen one time and she said ‘get fuchsia’ and I said I don’t know what that is and she said ‘it’s kind of like violet’ and I thought she said ‘violence’ so I got red.

Encouragement - I think you’re neat, so who cares what digit the UPS driver flashed after you cut him off. You know who should be cut off? Lindsay Lohan at an open bar. Am I too late with that one? Who cares my girlfriend is hot.

Flag Day - Hey it’s flag day, who knew there was such a thing? I’ll tell ya who - Flags.

Birthday - Birthdays are a really great time to reflect on who you are and what you’ve done with your life. That reminds me of a really great quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. I’ll be she had a lot of birthdays. But not much time to reflect being a first lady and all. Which makes you wonder when she had time to come up with such a great quote. Although there wasn’t Tivo back then so people had a lot more time to spare. You ever watch your Tivo too long then suddenly go outside and see a bird and think to yourself now was that an Oriole or a Robin? And then you go to rewind it but then you remember you can’t rewind real life? Ahhh, funny, funny stuff.

Ellen DeGeneres, American Greetings, greeting cards, Lindsay Lohan, Eleanor Roosevelt, Tivo

The New York Post is reporting that Kevin Federline is going to be a baby-daddy again. Former girlfriend and mother of his two older children, Shar Jackson, is reportedly seven weeks pregnant with the Sperminator’s fifth child.

But there have also been rumors that The Fed and Britney are getting back together.

What sort of weird and twisted Brady Bunch crap is going on here? Sheesh.

Aw, apparently the rumor is not true. But I was still hoping for an updated, real-life version of the Brady Bunch, maybe with Cameron Diaz in the role of Alice.

Kevin Federline, Shar Jackson, Britney Spears

Attention Pete Doherty: apparently, all you need is Love. According to the Sunday Mirror, Courtney Love recently took advantage of Kate Moss’ work schedule to throw herself at the model’s fiance. Moss was apparently away on assignment and had to miss the wrap party for the second album to come from Babyshambles, Doherty’s band. The former Mrs. Kurt Cobain and lead singer of the band Hole, tried the fill the (tiny, tiny) hole left by Moss and attended in her place.

Doherty tried to remind her of his engagement (the gentleman that he is) but one observer was quoting say that “She was all over him like a rash.” Apparently Courtney Love just can’t stay away from the men with big piles of issues.

Kurt Cobain must be spinning in his grave. First the whole Doc Marten ad campaign and now his wife and mother of his daughter throws herself at a well-documented drug addict. Way to aid in your OWN recovery, Courtney. What is Mel Gibson going to say?

Courtney Love, Pete Doherty, Babyshambles, Kate Moss, Kurt Cobain, Doc Martens, Mel Gibson, recovery

… and apparently she’s decided she can pick her friend’s nose too. On a recent episode of The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s mommy instincts kicked in as she helped Joy Behar with one of those stubborn nose barnacles. (The picking starts about a minute or so in.)

Most of us sneak off to the bathroom or our cars to deal with these, but I guess when you’re on a national syndicated television show, you don’t always have that option. Gross!

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Joy Behar, booger, nose picking, The View

Okay, so it seems that Criss Angel is some sort of wicked cool amazing magician because this past weekend he apparently turned Robin Leach (left) into Cameron Diaz.

Sources say that Angel and “Cameron Diaz” were seen dining together Monday night in Las Vegas before attending a performance of Cirque du Soleil’s Love, based on the songs of the Beatles. The two “met” the previous Saturday at the VH-1 Rock Honors (and what either of them were doing THERE, I do not know. I guess anyone who has slept with a musician or uh, listened to music, gets an invite to that one) before partying along with “Cameron Diaz’” friend and perpetual wingman, Drew Barrymore at the Jet Nightclub. Apparently Angel’s sorcery was so good even Barrymore didn’t recognize her best friend was actually the former host of television’s Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

At midnight Monday, Diaz turned back into Robin Leach, then went to the airport to fly back to Obscuretown.

Authorities are planning to contact Minnie Driver, previously linked with Angel, to see if she was actually dating him or if he really went on all those dates with a magically transformed Wayne Brady.

Criss Angel, Cameron Diaz, Robin Leach, Drew Barrymore, Mind Freak, Cirque du Soleil, VH-1 Rock Honors, Jet Nightclub, Minne Driver, Wayne Brady

The 2007 Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival was not just a rockin’ good time but an example of what can happen if you have too much of a rockin’ good time. First off Courtney Love…well there’s really no dirt on her but shit! If you push on her spine just right hundreds of grams of illicit drugs go shooting through her body causing her to look like this.

And we hate to keep picking on Drew Barrymore but look at her. You can almost hear the bong percolating.

Dear Perry Farrell, my mom called. She wants her shirt back.

source
In other news the folks at Wonderfalls treatment facility will be pleased to see how well rehab is going for Lindsay Lohan. She apparently took the Hot in Here song literally at Fashion Loves Music Coachella after-party. I’m sure Lindsay wasn’t drinking it was just the ecstasy talking that made her display the bags of fun.

So what did we learn this Coachella? Well, we learned not to borrow clothes from Amy’s Mom without asking. We learned to always carry a box of Nutter Butters with us when we smoke up cause they’re so damn good. We learned rehab is for quitters and we learned that Courtney Love apparently has more lives than a pod of cats.

Perry Farrell, Courtney Love, Drew Barrymore, Lindsay Lohan, Coachella Music Festival, Amy’s Mom, Nutter Butters

The 18th annual GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) Media Awards were held in Los Angeles Saturday night. Grey’s Anatomy was given the Outstanding Individual Episode award for a recent show called Where the Boys Are.

Despite recent criticisms for using a homophobic slur, show star Isaiah Washington put the past behind him and accepted the award.

“First off I’d like to thank all the Lezzies and Faggots out there who voted for me. I’d be nowhere without you Queers,” said Washington who unfortunately wasn’t finished speaking.

“I also want to thank my kike agent for getting me this role. My chinkerbell dry cleaner and of course my whop chef. What up Giuseppe?”

Luckily a large rainbow cane appeared from offstage and yanked Washington off the podium before he could continue. Stunned guests were quickly subdued by a montage of the greatest moments from Will and Grace set to Turn Back Time by Cher.

Isaiah Washington, GLAAD, Cher, Will and Grace, Grey’s Anatomy

Carson Daly recently celebrated the fifth anniversary of his talk show Last Call with Carson Daly, a show that even NBC executives are surprised is still on the air.

“That show’s still on?” asked one NBC programming executive, who asked to remain anonymous. “Crap! I forgot to tell my assistant to cancel it. I knew when I dropped my palm pilot in the toilet at the 40/40 Club that I would lose my whole schedule for 2006! I have to make some calls or I am so fired!”

Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman took a break from offending people over on Comedy Central to come around for the free food and drink at the bash, sponsored by Evian. Other G-list celebrities attending the celebration included Kathy Griffin, Randy Spelling, Bai Ling, and a whole bunch of other people that even the G-list celebrities didn’t recognize.

Also in attendence was Kato Kaelin, who managed to get in a quick photo before returning to his job parking cars.

Overall, the party was only a minor success, as the room had to be cleared by 5:30 P.M. so it could be cleaned and set up for the Goldenblatt bat mitzvah, staring at 7 P.M. Daly was last seen on the fringes of that party, where somebody’s Jewish grandmother was begging him to please just eat something already.

Carson Daly, Last Call with Carson Daly, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Kato Kaelin, Kathy Griffin, Bai Ling

Save your pennies and brain cells, Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil has launched a four-day getaway aboard the Carnival Imagination called the “Motley Cruise.” The VD-Love Boat sets sail January 24, 2008 from Miami, with stops in Key West and Cozumel before falling on its ass in Calica, Mexico.

Hyped as a “4-day rock & roll vacation filled with music, fun and sun - and of course plenty of Girls, Girls, Girls,” guests may encounter a hidden “Ho” charge. Since the Girls, Girls, Girls who followed Crue in their prime have sagged, sagged, sagged, attendees are asked to either bring their own scantily clad women or pay a daily fee of $15.

Dramamine and Herpes vaccinations will however be available throughout the cruise free of charge.

Vince Neil, Motley Crue, Motley Cruise, Ho, girls, Herpes