Trashy Celebs

Traveling is hard y’all! It makes all of us cranky and frustrated, even in the best of circumstances! It’s crowded and people try to bring too much crap onto the plane, and even after all these years of the “no liquids” rule, there is always some dumbass trying to bring in a big ole bottle of water or can of gasoline or something.

So really, we should all be more sympathetic of poor Lindsay Lohan and her trials and tribulations when traveling. Who amongst us hasn’t wanted to pitch a fit when there were just no more seats in first class? Our asses are too precious for coach class! The airline finally understood how they were in the wrong for selling that seat to, ou know, some regular person who happened to buy tickets ahead of time. Probably got to the airport early, checked their bags, had only one small carry-on bag, and didn’t pitch a hissy fit like a damn baby when things didn’t go exactly their way. But you know, I am just speculating here.

According to CNN, the Kevin James vehicle, Mall Cop has taken the box office for the second-straight week. Never mind there’s like a bajillion great movies up for Oscars this year Americans choose to spend 21.5 million seeing Mall Cop, based on Sunday’s estimates.

Even scarier is that tally brought the comedy’s (?) 10-day sum to $64.8 million. Oy. Even in a horrible economy, can we still spend money on total crap? Yes we CAN!

Oy. So according to a Gallup/Harris poll released Monday, 37 percent of American citizens can’t identify their home country on a map of the United States. Sure it was only 1400 people surveyed and they were all Two and a Half Men fans but c’mon! If you know where the five closest McDonalds are you really shouldn’t think your country is located in the map’s legend. I shit you not, check it!

Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security sees the Gallup/Harris poll results as a blessing in disguise. According to Secretary Michael Chertoff, the nation would be better off if these numbers skewed even higher.

According to the Huffington, Post Chertoff said, “Personally, I believe if fewer people in this world could spot America on a map, we’d have a much better chance of avoiding national tragedies like 9/11. You can’t attack a country you can’t find.”

What Chertoff didn’t realize was that 98.5% of terrorists have absolutely no problem identifying America on a map. In fact, they too can locate the five closest McDonalds to their attack destination. (those freakin’ McNuggets are just too damn tantalizing!)

If that’s not embarrassing enough, The White House yesterday released a very Barney Christmas video on the internets. President Bush, when not having footwear chucked at his melon, looks to have potential as a sitcom actor. Too bad Laura, Barbara, Jenna and her hubby had to lay a big old stink bomb on the thing. Check it out in all its Technicolor creepiness.

We really don’t think Barney would be having daydreams about Olympic gold unless there was a reward of human flesh at the end. And Micheal Phelps, really I thought you were better than that. Or maybe I didn’t.

We’re surprised it’s Stamos who’s behind this but the cast of the sitcom Full House will be reuniting. (We use the word sitcom loosely, to put both 30 Rock and Full House in the same category is just wrong). Apparently the same cast, will be included, the show will just take place years later. We should hope so because no one wants to see the Olsen twins in diapers anymore…well anymore than usual.

Says evangelical hottie Candace Cameron-Bure, “John has been working on a semi-remake of “Full House … I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women.”

So we wonder if this will reflect real life events where Stephanie is a twice-divorced meth-head, and DJ is a born-again Christian?

Full house which ran from 1987 to 1995 also included the mullety goodness of members Bob Saget, John Stamos, and Davie Coulier. (maybe Alanis Morissette can make an appearance as Coulier’s jilted ex lover).

I think even as a kid I knew that Full House was kind of a Three Men and a Baby rip-off which was already of rip off of a French movie Trois hommes et un couffin (Three Men and a Cradle). But I gotta say that much of a train wreck would totally make me Jizz in my Pants.

And yes, while this entry is totally true it also did serve as a nice set-up so I could post the Jizz in my Pants video. SNL digital shorts just keep the funny rolling.

Rachael Ray apparently will never speak again according to The National Enquirer. The talk show host will be communicating telepathically through Ricki Lake thus continuing her ruling of daytime TV…Oh we got the story wrong.

Actually The National Enquirer is reporting that Rachael Ray is having head surgery and will be without a head for three months beginning in December. During the time Ray is headless, a Teddy Ruxpin doll affixed to her body with duct tape will allow her to continue her talk show host duties.

Oh no, that’s not right either. The National Enquirer reported Friday that Rachael Ray was scared she had throat cancer and will require surgery that will prevent her from speaking for about two months, interfering with her work schedule. Turns out it is not cancerous, but could be dangerous to her health. Rachael used to be a heavy smoker although she has since quit. The surgery will leave her unable to speak for up to two months and she is trying to pre-tape shows in preparation. It sounds like it is just recommended that she take two months to heal, and that she may not lose her voice entirely.

Oh wait that’s not right either. Ray herself came out saying that all those rumors are false, she won’t be losing her voice, having a head transplant or having a cancerous growth removed. In fact she’s just having a benign cyst on her vocal cord removed resulting in her having to rest for a week.

It’s really amazing how these rumors get out of hand.

We’re on day two of babbling about the Olympics and look President Bush is still there. In the words of my dad “they don’t have anything else for him to do so he’s sitting in China watching games.” Ah yes, as Lori reported yesterday Bush looked bored, annoyed and smug all at the same time during the kick-ass opening cermonies. Then today I stumble upon this gem.

Oy. Holding the US flag backwards when you’re the president of United States is kind of like me putting a freedom flag on my car upside down after being out for 14 years…kind of. It’s actually much worse and it looks like his daughter Barbara is about to remedy the mistake but not before it was well documented. Again, oy.

And the other day Mr. Bush was doing more than watching the games as he got some hands on experience in beach Volleyball. Misty May-Treanor turned her back to the president, offering her bikinied rear for one of the traditional slaps that volleyball players frequently give each other.

“Mr. President, want to?” she asked, repeating an offer she made when Bush gave a pep talk to the U.S. athletes before Friday’s opening ceremonies.

Bush smilingly gave a flick with the back of his hand to the small of her back instead. Although this was Misty May-Treanor’s idea we’d actually have more respect for the President if he did the traditional ass smack. C’mon, ass that fine in your face ya smack it!

I generally don’t consider politicians or government officials to be celebrities, trashy or not, (and yes, I include Obama in this “non-celebrity” category) but here are a couple of videos from the freakin’ awesome opening ceremonies of the 2008 Olympics that are too good to pass up. (And if you didn’t see the opening ceremonies, I suggest you find a friend who tivo-ed them, because god damn, do the Chinese know how to put on a show.)

Here’s President Bush, waiting for the entrance of the United States team during the Parade of Nations. Note the respect of the American flag.

Here’s President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush, also during the Parade of Nations.

I will admit, I fast-forwarded during the Parade a few times, or got up for a soda, or surfed around on my computer. The Parade is long, and while I certainly agree that every team deserves their moment, I also agree that it is okay to be a little bored during it. But why does the director have to cut to the Bushes at the moment when they BOTH are checking their watches? It seems that the world already has a negative enough opinion of the United States, why does something like this have to make in on to international television and make us look worse? I mean, I may have been checking my watch or slumping in my seat, but I was not being broadcast around the world for all to see. At least, not to my knowledge. Perhaps Trash Talker Amy has installed some hidden cameras around here that I am not aware of. If any of y’all see me on You Tube, let me know!

So we haven’t gotten our new copy of Vanity Fair yet, so I haven’t read the entire article yet, but apparently it is strongly implied that our former President Bill Clinton and his slutty-man ways are at it again … and that he has been secretly keeping time with second-rate actress (people, she was in Showgirls), but still white hot Gina Gershon.

What is going on or not going on in the Clintons’ marriage is really none of my damn business (and frankly, I really don’t want to know — okay, maybe I do want to know, but I will be really ashamed of myself if I ever find out) but this election is going on and on and on and the candidates are doing and saying stupid things and frankly I am just ready to be done with the whole damn thing. And if another potential Bill Clinton affair is going to get thrown into the mix and drag this out even more, well even the thought of that just makes me really, really tired. < >

Bill Clinton, Gina Gershon

Wow, it’s only Monday and we’ve already hit a big shut the F word wash your mouth out with soap moment. As you probably know by now, there’s a huge stink going around because Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana showed a little back for Vanity Fair. Here’s the pic.

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Ok, not the usual pic we’d see of a 15 year-old, but it’s a lot better than some of the hoochie mama stuff I’ve seen girls wearing at the mall. Plus, freaking Annie Leibovitz shot it. I really don’t think she’d be pulling a Vanessa Hudgens on lil’ Ms. Billy Ray.

According to The Guardian UK when asked about the shot Cyrus said “No, I mean I had a big blanket on. And I thought, this looks pretty and really natural. I think it’s really artsy.” It was only after the pictures were released and some conservative morality crusaders lost their mind did she change her tune. Upon seeing them she said, “I feel so embarrassed. I never intended for this to happen and I apologise to my fans.”

And please don’t burn my CD’s in protest, she added.

So what is up with super hot, cool funky women dating these older dudes. First, last week we heard that former Joan of Arcadia star Amber Tamblyn was dating David Cross (he’s 19 years her senior). And now some pictures popped up of The Big Chill - many other tall-Jew role acting Jeff Goldblum (it’s ok, we’re Jewish therefore can say that, happy Passover) and a mystery woman. We were shocked, appalled and bummed to learn that mystery woman than none other than the anti-Amy Winehouse, Imogen Heap. If you’re unfamiliar with Heap, pull out your copy of the Garden State soundtrack and listen to track #12, Let Go (actually her band Frou Frou). But Imogen has come out with some other amazing CD’s and kicks some major ass in concert. Girl, why you with Goldblum! I just don’t get it.

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Here’s an excerpt from an interview with rapper DMX (Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind! Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gon’ make me act a fool! Up in here! Up in here!) from XXLmag.com.
Apparently he is not a fan of Presidential politics.

Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit�? [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.�? Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

Okay, now I can understand being fed up with Presidential politics, or perhaps, the media coverage of Presidential politics. I mean I don’t follow things all that closely because I get fed with with all the bullshit media opinions and detail-by-detail coverage of the candidates shennanigoats.

But I can say this: I have heards of all the major Presidential candidates (both Democratic and Republican) and have some general idea of who they are and what they claim to stand for. I mean, I do have a television set so that is pretty unavoidable. Does DMX not have a TV? Or internet? Is his cable out? Is his DirectTV sattelitte dish on the fritz? Does he not watch Saturday Night Live? I mean, just now Amy flipped the channel from a basketball game and when I looked up, there was Barack Obama. Somebody please get DMX’s television repaired already! Or check and see if his modem needs to be repaired.

Or maybe he’s just supporting John McCain. Or Ron Paul.

DMX, Barack Obama, John McCain, Hillary Clinton

So sometimes you wake up on a Sunday morning thinking “what the Haley Joel Osment did I do last night?” There’s regrets and embarrassments followed by an afternoon spent cradling a cheese steak while watching a Road Rules/Real World marathon on MTV. But why wait until Sunday when celebs are preforming regrettable acts possibly sober. Here’s a couple of stories from late this week that equally gave us the willies. Decide for yourself which is more cringe-worthy.

Cynthia Nixon blows big love chunks all over our Cynthia Nixon lesbo fantasy

Cynthia Nixon opened up about her four-year relationship with not so hot Christine Marinoni, a New York state education activist to reporters this week. “I’m in a fantastic relationship,” said Miranda, er, Cynthia “We shop and cook and raise children…We both pitch in.” Much like in Sex and the City but with a chick, Cynthia and her partner raise her two kids, Samantha, 11, and Charles, 6, in Brooklyn.

“I’m in love with her because she’s her. If she were a man, would I be in love with her? I don’t know.”

Now, Lori and I are two gay homosexual lesbians and we’re happy that Cynthia Nixon has found true love but ew. U-G-L-Y she ain’t got no alibi she ugly!

Louis Vuitton cures Keith Richardson’s hide for a new line of bags

At least that’s the only reason we can imagine Richards would be chosen as the new face of Louis Vuitton. For his first ever ad campaign, the 64-year-old Richards, who has a rocky history of drug use and recently snorted his dad’s ashes, is seen cradling his guitar on a hotel-room bed, the lights part obscured by skull-print black drapes.

Despite the overall weirdness of this at least it’s for a good cause. Richards plans to donate the fee for the ad to the Climate Project, launched by Al Gore and backed by Louis Vuitton.

So which story freaks your freak more? C’mone all two of you, let us know.

So the Trash Talkers have not yet had the chance to watch this years Grammy broadcast (safely stored in the DVR for now) because we had tickets last night to see the Queen of Trash Talk, Kathy Griffin.

The show was fabulous, and not only did we laugh our trash talkin’ asses off, we also got to see a couple of drunk girls tossed out of the show for trying to out trash talk Kathy F’n Griffin. Nice try stupid drunk girls. Also, the pre-show warm up music featured songs by Clay Aiken, Paul Abdul, and Britney Spears, so we knew exactly who she was probably going to talk about during her show. (And she did not let us down, comparing a certain over exposed part of Britney Spears’ anatomy with a chow tongue. Yes, she went there.) In fact, it is now my dream to someday have Kathy Griffin guest write a post for this blog. I’m not delusional, I know it will never happen, but even a Trash Talkin’ girl has dreams!

But I have to say, I wonder if even Kathy Griffin would go here:

I mean, oh my! Oh my! What happened to Aretha Franklin? What happened? Why doesn’t anybody do anything? Because, frankly, I am worried about her. She is freaking brilliant, she has a voice like nobody’s business and she can sing anything. I still remember when she performed “Nessun Dorma” at the 1998 Grammy Awards show; it totally gave me chills.

And now I am afraid all I can see is an unhealthy Aretha wearing a very ill-advised bright yellow dress with spaghetti straps. I mean, look at the picture. I’m afraid Cyndi Lauper is going to fall face first into Aretha’s chest and not be found for days. Days, people! Even with that warning flare of a hairstyle! I feel really bad even saying anything at all about it …. like I am going to end up in R&B Hell listening to Peabo Bryson or Jodeci forever. So, okay, I am not making fun of Aretha Franklin. I won’t do it. But I am worried about her … and I do think she should fire her damn stylist.

Okay, so I will admit it, I am a fan of the A&E show Intervention which offers a up-close-and-personal view of an addict and how his or her addiction affects not only his or her own life, but that of his or her family and friends as well. It’s an interesting show and has offered be a little glimpse and a little bit of insight to a side of life I have never experienced. And sometimes, I admit, I am a huge asshole and I will sit and drink a beer or two while I watch. Yes, I am heartless. Shut up. I don’t care. You don’t know my life!

Anywhoodle, I think even I won’t be sinking so low as to watch Celebrity Rehab on VH-1. Granted, I have not seen an episode yet, but I somehow doubt that VH-1 is going to treat the subject with the same sensitivity, lack of interference, and sympathetic-yet-detached view that A&E seems to.

Here’s a description from the VH-1 website:

“Celebrity Rehab” is the first television series to chronicle the dramatic, unscripted real life experiences of a group
of actual celebrities as they make the life-changing decision to enter themselves into a drug, alcohol and addiction
treatment program with the sincere desire to achieve true rehabilitation and recovery.

This compelling true account of addiction, healing, and redemption is being supervised with great compassion and
insight by renowned addiction and recovery expert Dr. Drew Pinsky, Medical Director of the Department of Chemical Dependency Services at Southern California’s Las Encinas Hospital, and host of the long-running radio and television advice series LOVELINE”.

This kinda makes me loose some respect for Dr. Drew (what I had left to lose after realizing how many years he spent working with Adam Corolla). I mean, I’ve listened to him on Loveline and such and thought he seemed more like a caring physician and less like a fame-whore, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have seen this coming back when he turned up on an episode of Celebrity Fit Club to help “counsel” Jeff Conaway after a drug overdose. Uh, yeah. In fact, Jeff Conaway is one of the celebrities appearing on Celebrity Rehab. I wonder if that episode of Fit Club is what prompted this whole idea anyway? Jeez, I hope they haven’t kept Conaway waiting for help all this time.

Other, uh, celebrities appearing on the show are Jaimee Foxxworth (from Family Matters, Shifty Binzer from one-hit wonder Crazytown, Ricco Rodriguez (who?), Daniel Baldwin(!) because every VH-1 reality show deserves a Baldwin, Brigitte Nielson (who clearly needs another VH-1 reality show), Chyna, and porn-star Mary Carey.

Celebrity Rehab, Celebrity Fit Club, Dr. Drew, Adam Carolla, Jeff Conaway, Jaimee Foxxworth, Shifty Binzer, Crazytown, Ricco Rodriguez, Daniel Baldwin, Brigitte Nielsen, Chyna, Mary Carey, VH-1

Entering its fourth day, the WGA strike is showing no signs of quitting. Some uber-cool people like Tina Fey, Jon Stewart and Matt Groening are taking to the picket lines along side their writers. And then there’s Ellen Degeneres who showed up to tape Fridays show apparently willing to rely on her own witty rambling banter with no help from writers. Here’s an advanced copy of the transcript.

“I’ve got to say this is a strange show for me to do. This is weird. Weird. It’s a weird show. Channeling Johnny Carson all of a sudden. [Imitates Carson] “Very Weird. Weird. Weird.�? Here’s what the deal is. It’s ’sweeps’, which is a very important time in television. That’s when you do your best shows, your funniest material, you pull out all the stops and you’re doing everything you can because you want everybody watching. Now at this moment, we’re in the middle of this strike. There’s a writer’s strike going on, and here in Los Angeles it’s a huge story. I don’t know where you live, but it’s a huge story in Los Angeles. I want to say I love my writers. I love them. In honor of them today, I’m not going to do a monologue. I support them and hope that they get everything they’re asking for. And I hope it works out soon. In the meantime, people have traveled across the country. They’ve made plans. They’re here. I want to do everything I can to make your trip enjoyable and give you a show. Otherwise you’d just be wandering around and circling Bob Hope Drive.

Oh Ellen, always thinking of people you’ve never met over talented folks who work to keep your brain moving on a parallel line day after day. Or maybe Portia just wants her out of the house because she can’t handle her constant chatter either. I imagine time at home goes something like this:
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