Trashy Celebs

So sometimes you wake up on a Sunday morning thinking “what the Haley Joel Osment did I do last night?” There’s regrets and embarrassments followed by an afternoon spent cradling a cheese steak while watching a Road Rules/Real World marathon on MTV. But why wait until Sunday when celebs are preforming regrettable acts possibly sober. Here’s a couple of stories from late this week that equally gave us the willies. Decide for yourself which is more cringe-worthy.

Cynthia Nixon blows big love chunks all over our Cynthia Nixon lesbo fantasy

Cynthia Nixon opened up about her four-year relationship with not so hot Christine Marinoni, a New York state education activist to reporters this week. “I’m in a fantastic relationship,” said Miranda, er, Cynthia “We shop and cook and raise children…We both pitch in.” Much like in Sex and the City but with a chick, Cynthia and her partner raise her two kids, Samantha, 11, and Charles, 6, in Brooklyn.

“I’m in love with her because she’s her. If she were a man, would I be in love with her? I don’t know.”

Now, Lori and I are two gay homosexual lesbians and we’re happy that Cynthia Nixon has found true love but ew. U-G-L-Y she ain’t got no alibi she ugly!

Louis Vuitton cures Keith Richardson’s hide for a new line of bags

At least that’s the only reason we can imagine Richards would be chosen as the new face of Louis Vuitton. For his first ever ad campaign, the 64-year-old Richards, who has a rocky history of drug use and recently snorted his dad’s ashes, is seen cradling his guitar on a hotel-room bed, the lights part obscured by skull-print black drapes.

Despite the overall weirdness of this at least it’s for a good cause. Richards plans to donate the fee for the ad to the Climate Project, launched by Al Gore and backed by Louis Vuitton.

So which story freaks your freak more? C’mone all two of you, let us know.

Hillary Clinton continued her comedy circuit tour by appearing on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Monday night. Clinton, who also popped up on Saturday Night Live was still full of hope and viggor.

I unfortunately was not after spending the night glued to CNN and their campaign number-crunching Lookey-Loo. Earlier in the evening Wolf Blitzer and his looky-loo running bitch, John King were raising questions about if the Democratic party should ask Clinton to stop running. Noooo!

We’ve been supporters of Hil since she announced her nomination and are encouraged that SNL skits can help her campaign. Sure Obama has the hip college crowd and Rudi Guiliani’s 17 year-old daughter supporting him but Clinton has a desperate housewife. Eva Longoria who recently came out in support of Hill accompanied her at her “Texas-Sized” Town Hall meeting in Austin on Monday night.

Speaking of Texas, this is going to be a long night because it’s already 10:15 on the east coast and only 15% of precincts have reported, not to mention the fakakta caucuses they have there. Oy! If you’re such a great state get your shit together and learn how to organize a vote. Come on, you owe us for producing George Bush.

UPDATE: Yaaay! Thanks Texas! Not since Ann Richards have we agreed on something. On to Pennsylvania.

While searching amongst yesterday’s slim pickin’s of celebrity news, I happened upon this picture of my Great Aunt Bea in Paris. Aunt Bea was front and center along with Victoria Beckham at Italian designer Giambattista Valli’s show previewing his 08 Fall-Winter collection.

I was surprised as anyone to see this and was even more surprised when I called my mom and she told me Great Aunt Bea was in fact not in Paris but at her Thursday yiddish class at the Pikesville Senior Center. Upon hearing that I instantly realized my mistake and this picture isn’t of Great Aunt Bea but of Mary-Kate Olsen looking like a major fuck-tard. My bad.

Jane Fonda went on the Today show dropping bigger bombs than Monster In-Law. Uh-Huh I said it. While making an appearance with Eve Ensler to promote the 10th anniversary of Ensler’s play the Vagina Monologues, the 70-year old let her potty mouth fly.

This all went down as Fonda was relaying a lovely story about how she was asked to perform a monologue with a slang term for vagina as the title — and then she said a word that I’d like to pretend older ladies like my grandma had never ever heard before. Grandma, if you’re reading this she said Helen Hunt. Don’t question why that’s bad, it just is.

If you’re not my grandma, take a look at Fonda in action and then Meredith Vieira apologizing to god-fearing people for offending them and the baby Jesus.

We think this is rather hilarious but others weren’t giggling. “There is no excuse for airing one of the most patently offensive words in the English language on broadcast television, especially at the breakfast hour,” Parent Television Council (PTC) president Tim Winter, a former NBC employee, said in a statement Thursday.

All this comes on the tails of Diane Keaton saying “Fuck” on ABC’s Good Morning America (does menopause make you curse like a sailor?) Shit, maybe I need to start watching the networks in the morning instead of Robin and Company on Headline News. Dr. Sanjay Gupta never gets racier than talking about a colon problem.

But we really think America is wound a little too tight. While flipping channels if I can accidentally see someone with a nail through their head on TLC or Ann Coulter’s face anywhere, then I think it’s ok if I hear “Cunt” before nine A.M. Whoops, sorry Grandma, I meant to say that pig in Babe was a Runt. Happy Belated Valentine’s Day!

So the Trash Talkers have not yet had the chance to watch this years Grammy broadcast (safely stored in the DVR for now) because we had tickets last night to see the Queen of Trash Talk, Kathy Griffin.

The show was fabulous, and not only did we laugh our trash talkin’ asses off, we also got to see a couple of drunk girls tossed out of the show for trying to out trash talk Kathy F’n Griffin. Nice try stupid drunk girls. Also, the pre-show warm up music featured songs by Clay Aiken, Paul Abdul, and Britney Spears, so we knew exactly who she was probably going to talk about during her show. (And she did not let us down, comparing a certain over exposed part of Britney Spears’ anatomy with a chow tongue. Yes, she went there.) In fact, it is now my dream to someday have Kathy Griffin guest write a post for this blog. I’m not delusional, I know it will never happen, but even a Trash Talkin’ girl has dreams!

But I have to say, I wonder if even Kathy Griffin would go here:

I mean, oh my! Oh my! What happened to Aretha Franklin? What happened? Why doesn’t anybody do anything? Because, frankly, I am worried about her. She is freaking brilliant, she has a voice like nobody’s business and she can sing anything. I still remember when she performed “Nessun Dorma” at the 1998 Grammy Awards show; it totally gave me chills.

And now I am afraid all I can see is an unhealthy Aretha wearing a very ill-advised bright yellow dress with spaghetti straps. I mean, look at the picture. I’m afraid Cyndi Lauper is going to fall face first into Aretha’s chest and not be found for days. Days, people! Even with that warning flare of a hairstyle! I feel really bad even saying anything at all about it …. like I am going to end up in R&B Hell listening to Peabo Bryson or Jodeci forever. So, okay, I am not making fun of Aretha Franklin. I won’t do it. But I am worried about her … and I do think she should fire her damn stylist.

The fine folks over at dlisted posted this picture that is going to give me nightmares forever and ever (Sweatin’ to the Brain Burn) so I had to rush right over here and share it with all of you. If I was a better, nicer person, I would put this behind a cut, but since I am not, and because if I have to know this, then you have to know this, it’s goin’ right here, front and center. Don’t say I didn’t warn you bitches.

Hot damn, people. If that isn’t sexy, then neither is Justin Timberlake. But seriously, did Simmons really have to do that? I mean, good for him for being in good shape and for being able to wear those little shorts and for having shaved his inner thighs. But now I am in the position of having to think about Richard Simmon’s underpants, and that is something I could have gone my whole entire life without thinking about. Because if I have to think about his underpants then I can’t help but think about how he has balls in that underwear and I REALLY don’t want to think about Richard Simmon’s balls, do you? (That is totally going to be the name of the next girl punk band I form: Richard Simmon’s Balls.) Before today, I was only afraid of Richard Simmon’s big old white-man ‘fro, which he’s been sportin’ for as long as I remember. Now I’m not only scared of the ‘fro, but I have a vague mental image of his nutsack, and seriously, there is just not enough gin in the world to erase that.

Oh boy, I hope my mom isn’t reading this.

Richard Simmons, manties, Richard Simmons’ balls

Aw, look at the happy parents-to-be! I guess things work different in Australia, all the way over there on the other side of the world and the whole who carries the kangaroo in the pouch works differently, because judging from that picture, Keith Urban is well on his way to craving crunchy salty foods one minute then sending Nicole out for frozen yogurt the next. Or maybe it’s all about french fries or pizza or something with melted cheese. Or chocolate. Who knows what sort of food cravings a pregnant Australian country-singer might have?

This baby will be the first for Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. Kidman has two children with former husband Tom “Crazypants” Cruise. Hopefully this pregnancy will make Kidman actually smile enough to prove that she has teeth.

Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban

Y’all, Gary Coleman is selling clothes from the Gap. No, I don’t mean he is their new spokesperson or in any of those commercials where people dance around. And he’s not posing in ads in magazines or on billboards. No, no, I don’t mean that he is actually working at the Gap selling t-shirts and fleeces and sweaters and khakis. What I mean is that Gary Coleman, former child star, is selling his own Gap khakis on ebay for fun and profit.

Well I’m sure it’s for profit but judging from that picture, I don’t think Coleman is having that much fun. He looks like he’s being photographed before being sent off to his cell in a minimum security prison. Or maybe a photo for his ID at his new job as a cook in a community college cafeteria. Sheesh, Gary, I’m sure selling your pants (or at least a pair of pants that you wore for 30 seconds while this picture was taken) is humiliating, but if you want people to bid, you gotta smile a little and at least act like you are having fun. Maybe through in a “Whatchoo biddin’ on, Willis?” for good measure.

Here’s the text of the ebay ad, which you can see in full (or make your bid) here.

Here are a pair of Gap Athletic Pants that Gary Coleman wore. He signed the back pocket. The material is 100% Polyester. The color is Khaki, with blue, green, and white stripes down the Sides. The pants are from Gap Kids the Size is XL 12 Regular. This pair would be perfect for any child who loves gary or for anyone who loves his memorabilia. Here is a great gift to have. I also have more memorabilia so please check into my Site often. Thanks for Visiting and good Luck to all who bid thanks!!!

Yeah, that “Pants that Gary Coleman wore” really makes me think that these pants aren’t actually Gary Coleman’s, but are some pants belonging to the son of Coleman’s dealer or something, and Gary owes him some money and doesn’t have any cash, so the dealer made him wear and autograph his son’s pants so he could sell them. And who loses here? Not Coleman, who should have a little more dignity, and not the weirdos who are bidding on this crap (seriously, what is anyone going to do with a pair of pants signed by Gary Coleman.) The real loser here is that kid who had to give up his pants because his dad (or mom or uncle or cousin) is Gary Coleman’s dealer and wants his money.

Gary Coleman, Diff’rent Strokes, ebay, the Gap

Britney, The Donald and Angelina Jolie’s creepy Lurch-looking brother were all out and about doing stuff this weekend to remind everyone they exist. First up, Britney Spears continued to prove just how smooth she is by rewarding herself the five-finger discount on Friday night in Van Nuys, CA.

TMZ caught Brit-Brit on camera stealing a disposable lighter from a gas station. The bonus part is she chose to brag about it. Classy! Spears claims she just forgot to pay for it but she turned to the cameras and yelled, “I stole something. Oh, I’m bad. Ohhhhh!”

Not to Trump that one, heh, heh…oh shut up, we love our crappy puns. Anyway, The Donald apparently left a $10,000 dollar tip on an $82 bill at The Buffalo Club in Santa Monica, CA. The waiter’s story goes something like this (from dlisted.com)
I finally brought them out the check. Trump grabbed it and actually spoke to me from the first time. “What’s the biggest tip you ever got?�?
“Jerry Bruckheimer comes in a lot. He tipped me $500 on a $1000 check once.�? Trump nodded his head. “You’re very good at your job.�? “Thanks.�?

Billy has tried to contact Donald Trump in an attempt to thank him but has been unsuccessful in his pursuit. Ahh Trump, you’re generosity is inspiring and we’re convinced completely unmotivated by the fact the celebrity version of The Apprentice airs early next year. Wanker!

And finally, Angelina Jolie’s tall, skinny creepy brother, James Haven emerged from his cave driving a Jeep complete with an homage to Shiloh, the Pitt- Jolie messiah a’la personalized license plate. The plate reads “Shhiloh,” so either he stutters, Shiloh and Shiloh1 was taken or he just wants her to be quiet. Source Perez Hilton.

James Haven, Donald Trump, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears

This week, Jodie Foster was honored at the Sixteenth Annual Women in Entertainment Breakfast with the Sherry Lansing Leadership Award. Jodie Foster receiving an award? That’s not really new. She’s been in show business for 42 of her 45 years, so of course she’s received plenty of awards by now. But what is surprising was a portion of her acceptance speech:

Toward the end of her remarks, Jodie thanked those nearest and dearest to her. Among them was “my beautiful Cydney who sticks with me through all the rotten and the bliss.”

What a lovely thing to say! And it acknowledges what has been in the tabloids and on the internets for years. Foster has apparently been in a relationship with Cydney Bernard for more than ten years and the pair are raising two children together. (Both children have the middle name “Bernard,” further proof of Foster and Bernard’s relationship and status as a family.)

Many in the gay community have been waiting for years for Foster to come out, to ad her voice to those demanding tolerance, demanding rights, demanding recognition of our relationships and of our families. Many might see this as Foster’s “first step” toward coming out and speaking out. But I have a feeling that this is Foster’s first and only step …. not because she is still in the closet and plans to stay, but because she’s been doing what we all want … living her life and building her family and raising her children. I have said before that I think celebrities should come out in this way — just sort of casually, matter-of-factly, without fanfare or announcements or “spin.” When you don’t act like something is “wrong” then generally, no one else will either. As it should be.

Jodie Foster, Cydney Bernard, gay celebrities, coming out

So while I am typing his, Amy is sitting next to me on the couch watching the second-to-last episode of A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila so I am already a little skeeved out. And that may have clouded my feelings when I was perusing the Star Magazine website and came across this bit of news:

Elle Macpherson & Bryan Adams: Hot New Odd Couple?
It looks like Bryan Adams is the latest rock star to hook up with a supermodel. At the Nov. 27 after-party for his photo exhibit, Modern Muses, Bryan, 48, was reportedly caught making out with none other than Elle Macpherson, 44.

The twosome, who have reportedly been dating for about a month, “were all over each other, flirting outrageously,” according to an eyewitness party. “They couldn’t keep their hands or eyes off each other. There was a lot of chemistry between them. They make a really cute couple.”

So, you know, ew. I mean, this folks are a little too old and a little too irrelevant to be “hooking up” and “making out” in public at various parties. I mean, I am eleven years younger than Bryan Adams and I don’t even GO to afterparties (I can’t stay up that late anymore) let along get caught making out at them. Bryan and Elle may be a couple and all that and whatever, Mazel Tov to them, but we don’t want to SEE or READ about it, okay? Keep that at home in front of reruns of MacGyver, got it?

Bryan Adams, Elle Macpherson, Billy Joel

According to the website Showbiz Spy, the newest James Bond Daniel Craig is planning to go completely nakies for the next James Bond movie:

Hunky James Bond star Daniel Craig has revealed he’ll “go totally nude�? for the next Bond film - tentatively titled ‘Bond 22′.

Craig, 39, who made his debut as 007 in last year’s ‘Casino Royale’ - insists it’s only fair he appears naked when he reprises his role as the suave spy, because Bond girls are always expected to strip off.

He said: “I’d go totally nude. I’ve got nothing to hide, and after all, we ask the girls to reveal almost all, so why not the men?�?

Daniel also revealed he felt “nervous�? at the stir he caused in the iconic ‘Casino Royale’ scene where he emerges from the sea sporting tight blue swimming trunks.

He added to Britain’s New! magazine: “Did I know the trunk thing would be such a big deal? Yeah. I saw it on a huge billboard in Hollywood and people were screaming. It did make me feel rather nervous.�?

The star also branded his Bond co-star Dame Judi Dench, 72 , “sexy as hell�? and “a total tease�?.

Yowza! Granted, Casino Royale sat on top of my television for three weeks before I sent it back to Netflix unwatched, but I do remember the hubbub online and otherwise when the movie was released that basically seemed to go something like this: “OHMIGOD DANIEL CRAIG HOT HOT HOT RUNNING OUT OF THE OCEAN IN SWIMSUIT OMG” (faint, perspire, swooooooon!) Amy watched he the movie on her iPod while on a flight recently, so lets get her opinion.

Lori: So, is Daniel Craig all that hot?
Amy: Yeah, he’s pretty hot. I would almost maybe go straight for him. Maybe. But probably not.

Okay, well that was enlightening. Anyway, the interesting point of this story is that Daniel Craig said he has “nothing to hide” which makes me wonder if his penis is really, really small. Can you have a James Bond with a below average penis? I wonder if that is part of the audition to be James Bond …. a weiner measurement? Or maybe it doesn’t matter anymore, since technology developed during the filming of Boogie Nights now allows for dong prosthetics. Score!

Daniel Craig, Casino Royale, Daniel Craig nude

From the Telegraph:

Boy George, the singer and DJ, has been charged with false imprisonment after allegedly chaining a male escort to a wall in his home.

Norwegian escort Auden Carlsen, 28, claims he was grabbed and chained to a wall by George and another man after the singer invited him back to his London flat to pose for photographs.

Scotland Yard said today that the 47-year-old singer, who was first arrested in April, had now been charged over an incident in his flat.

The singer, whose real name is George O’Dowd, was released on bail and ordered to attend Thames Magistrates Court next week.

Police said: “George O’Dowd, 47, a musician of Ravey Street, EC2, is charged with the false imprisonment of a 28-year-old in Ravey Street on April 28.

“He has been bailed to return before Thames Magistrates Court on November 22.”

What the hell is up with Boy George? Is he trying to compete with George Michael for the Fuck-Up of the Year Award? Can he just not get enough of the orange jumpsuit? And why the hell is is still wearing all that crap on his face? Boy George, you were all edgy in shit back in the 80s with the androgyny thing and the makeup and the ambiguous sexuality thing, but really, that time for all that has passed. At this point you should be more Elton John and less Britney Spears.

Come on now, George. You may now all there is to know about the crying game, but it sure seems you don’t know how to act right. Pull it together, release some monster of a comeback album, and then tell everyone to fuck off!

Boy George, George Michael, Culture Club, Britney Spears, The Crying Game

Oh noes! Could it be? No, it can’t be? But could it be true? Are lesbian icon Ellen DeGeneres and her much younger girlfriend, Portia de Rossi packing up hers and hers U-Hauls and calling it quits? Or rather, has Portia decided that the royalties from the sale of Arrested Development DVDs are enough to sustain the Sapphic lifestyle to which she has become accustomed?

From Star magazine:

According to multiple sources, [Ellen’s] really in pain because her three-year romance with actress Portia de Rossi is all but over.

“Ellen would never have broken down like that on TV if things were right in her home life,�? one source tells Star.

Portia has been telling Ellen she’s very unhappy at home,�? says a second source….�?When it comes down to it, she wants to be with someone younger and hotter. She wants out, but Ellen has been begging her to stay. Portia is really everything in this world to her.�?

So according to ironclad source Star magazine, the reason for this:

is not because Ellen was upset about a dog getting taken away from two little girls but because a cute little pussy might be taken away from her.

Lori: AW MAN! Did I really just write that? I can’t believe I did that! My mom reads this site!
Amy: I’m going to tell your mom you said pussy on the internet.

I must say, that while I am a fan of Ellen’s and while I do admire her and her show and all she has done for gay visibility and the like, I have never quite forgiven her for dumping partner Alexandra Hedison (who was there to pick up the pieces after the Anne Heche fiasco) for the younger and blonder de Rossi. Karma’s a big queeny bitch, isn’t it, Ellen?

For more on who’s hooking up and who’s breaking up, check out Superstar Couples!

Ellen DeGeneres, Portia de Rossi, Alexandra Hedison, Anne Heche, Iggy

So in random hookup news, it was reported yesterday by numerous sources that Vanessa “Ugly Betty” Williams and Vince “Ugly Hair Line” Vaughn are now a hot couple. Williams is known for being kick-ass beautiful, that whole naked picture thing, acting and having a mildly successful singing career. Btw in regards to the title of this entry, I know her biggest song is called Save the Best for Last, but first that song got stuck in my head, then it was something by Anita Baker and now my brain is torturing me with Billy Ocean. You’re welcome.

Anyway, the two have been supposedly “sneaking around�? Los Angeles together in hopes of avoiding the paparazzi. MediaTakeOut claims, “Vanessa’s really trying to keep this a secret … She feels that the press helped ruin her relationship with Rick [Fox], so she’s trying to keep what she has with Vince private.�?

Back story - Williams second marriage was to NBA basketball player Rick Fox in 1999 and the two have a daughter, Sasha Gabriella (born May 2000). After The National Enquirer published pictures of Fox kissing another woman in mid-2004, Fox’s representative announced that the couple had been “headed toward divorce” for over a year. A few months later in August 2004, Fox filed for divorce. So that’s her past, and we all know the sorted Vince Vaughn - Jennifer Aniston dealio, but back to the whistle blowers, Media Take Out. Their report suggests that Vanessa and Vince have been sneaking around Tinseltown and they cite what they call a source that is one of their “most trusted.”

We’re not sure if we completely believe this story but we want to. They could be the new Ashton and Demi, JT and Cameron or just another case of super-fine woman carrying around a lot of eye baggage.

Vanessa Williams, Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Aniston