Trashy Celebs

We here at Trashy Celebs are indeed fans of the Bravo show Top Chef. We like food and we like to cook and we like to sit down to dinner and watch the show. And sure, we like the host of the show, Padma Lakshmi, because she is beautiful (and how!) and she also likes food and she likes to talk about food. We also suspect that she must be stoned a lot to be able to eat all that food, but I digress.

But what we don’t understand about Padma is her thing for older men with rather large heads. I mean, she was married for years to Salman Rushdie (and I always figured that was for the excitement and danger, what with the fatwa and all). And now she is stepping out with billionaire Ted Forstman. The two claim they aren’t dating, but hey, she took him as her plus one to the Emmy awards (see picture above) and in Hollywood, that is the same as taking someone to your favorite cousin’s wedding. So yeah, totally doing it with another rich old guy. Go Padma!

Well, who didn’t see this one coming? You’d think maybe a blind person might not have seen it coming, but actually I heard this from a guy who was waiting for the bus with a seeing-eye dog*, so yes, even people who can’t see saw this coming. Apparently, Sarah Jessica Parker, star of stage and Girls Just Want to Have Fun is moving out of her home with hubster Ferris Bueller Matthew Broderick and is looking for her own place in a real life Sex and the City episode.

It seems the marriage has been on the rocks for a bit because Ferris has been stepping out on Carrie with a younger …. wait, what? Woman? A younger woman? Well color me stunned on that one. I thought for sure all this moving out by Sarah Jessica was just the preview to the main event: Matthew coming out of the closet. Oh well, gaydar can’t be right every time!

*I did not hear this from a blind guy at the bus stop. I stopped taking the bus because it is always late. I read it in Star magazine.

And now absolutely no one can say that Lance Armstrong isn’t a totally freakin’ stud. Despite having only one testicle (which everyone in the world knows about and which the entire Internet — including this site — loves to discuss endlessly) Mr. Armstrong is going to be a daddy again. Even after displaying a continued fear of commitment after dumping Sheryl Crow and Kate Hudson and having a fling with one or the other of the Olsen twins, he is now suddenly and forever tied to girlfriend Anna Hansen, who is expecting their first (and I imagine only) child together in June 2009.

From what all the Internets tell me, Armstrong’s previous three children with ex-wife Kristin, were conceived through in vitro fertilization after his treatments occurred. But the Christmas miracle here is that this baby was conceived the old fashioned way — through knockin’ da boots. Apparently this is ultra-rare for men who have lost a testicle to cancer (which was the reason for the in vitro procedure) so that can only lead me to figure that this pregnancy is what folks euphemistically call the “happy accident.” Weren’t there some rumors a while back that implicated Armstrong is some sort of doping scandal? Everyone wondered if he had some chemical help to assist in winning all those bike races (including the Tour de France seven times after beating cancer) but know I wonder if there will be a whole new doping scandal …. with his sperm. Are there steroids that specifically focus on bulking up the muscles in your sperm?

Oy. So according to a Gallup/Harris poll released Monday, 37 percent of American citizens can’t identify their home country on a map of the United States. Sure it was only 1400 people surveyed and they were all Two and a Half Men fans but c’mon! If you know where the five closest McDonalds are you really shouldn’t think your country is located in the map’s legend. I shit you not, check it!

Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security sees the Gallup/Harris poll results as a blessing in disguise. According to Secretary Michael Chertoff, the nation would be better off if these numbers skewed even higher.

According to the Huffington, Post Chertoff said, “Personally, I believe if fewer people in this world could spot America on a map, we’d have a much better chance of avoiding national tragedies like 9/11. You can’t attack a country you can’t find.”

What Chertoff didn’t realize was that 98.5% of terrorists have absolutely no problem identifying America on a map. In fact, they too can locate the five closest McDonalds to their attack destination. (those freakin’ McNuggets are just too damn tantalizing!)

If that’s not embarrassing enough, The White House yesterday released a very Barney Christmas video on the internets. President Bush, when not having footwear chucked at his melon, looks to have potential as a sitcom actor. Too bad Laura, Barbara, Jenna and her hubby had to lay a big old stink bomb on the thing. Check it out in all its Technicolor creepiness.

We really don’t think Barney would be having daydreams about Olympic gold unless there was a reward of human flesh at the end. And Micheal Phelps, really I thought you were better than that. Or maybe I didn’t.

I read this piece of news and I wondered if suddenly the interwebs were only reporting news from twenty years ago. But no, this is recent! Everyone’s favorite Golden Girl (c’mon, you know Dorothy Zbornak was your favorite) Bea Arthur was inducted into the TV Academy Hall of Fame this week. Just this week! 2008! C’mon, TV Academy, what the hell took you so long? This woman has had a television career spanning over 50 years and a theatre career that is even longer. She was on an episode of the TV classic Circus of the Stars (and let me tell you, I wish the networks could come up with a way of remaking that show in a way that wouldn’t suck, but you know that is in no way possible. That, and Battle of the Network Stars which has to have been some of TV’s finest hours. But I digress. But before I stop digressing, check out that photo above. I think Ms. Arthur and Mr. Norman Lear will be doing some celebrating tonight, if you know what I mean, and I think you do!)

Now I know it says in the article linked above that the Academy approached Ms. Arthur five years ago and asked her about being inducted then, but she declined, saying there were people more talented than her deserving of the honor. ACADEMY! You should not have let her get away with this crap, because not only is Dorthy Z. a great entertainer, she is humble as well. You shouldn’t have even asked, you should have just invited her to a “Golden Girls reunion event” and then surprised her with the prize. She’s a tough old broad, she could have handled it. Keep in mind, this was a woman so dedicated to entertainment that she agreed to sing in the Star Wars Holiday Special. That is dedication people. Or a raging coke habit.

Oh David Hasselhoff! You scamp! Selling pictures of yourself on the internet! And sure, I know most celebrities have some version of that somewhere, but you are a step ahead of them all! You are selling HOLIDAY THEMED pictures of yourself on the internet. Genius! Who cares that your career is in the toilet and that more people know you from that youtube video of you drunkenly eating a hamburger than from your triumphant role on the seminal 80s television show Knight Rider. (And it must be killing you that you haven’t been invited back for the far inferior current version of the show.)

But wait, upon closer inspection I see that these are NOT holiday themed pictures! They are regular pictures surrounded by holiday themed advertising! David Hasselhoff, why you trying to play me? Sure that one picture of you in that fur-like king’s cape sort of looks Santa like, but that was just a coincidence. You couldn’t take a couple of new pictures to see for the holidays? Maybe wearing a nice sweater carving a turkey? Or wearing a yarmulke and lighting the menorah? Or an actual Santa suit? I gotta tell you, Hoff, I feel ripped off.

No one is going to argue with me on this one, are you? Two creepy male celebrities (or, you might argue, one creepy guy and one sad-and-now-creepy guy) and two older legends of entertainment who are now just fodder for the tabloids. Sad, isn’t it? And still, I can’t help but think that this picture has been blow up to wall size and is hanging on some cell walls in Guantanamo Bay. Torture isn’t just physical, you know.

Just think about it though: that picture was at some point framed in Liza and David’s living room. There was a copy in their wedding album that they looked at in happier days. Elizabeth Taylor probably had a copy hanging on a bathroom wall. Michael Jackson probably even had one hanging in Bubbles’ bedroom. Then Liza had to collect them all and throw them off the roof or something. But thanks to the internet, the most terrifying celebrity photo ever taken will exist for all eternity.

We’re on day two of babbling about the Olympics and look President Bush is still there. In the words of my dad “they don’t have anything else for him to do so he’s sitting in China watching games.” Ah yes, as Lori reported yesterday Bush looked bored, annoyed and smug all at the same time during the kick-ass opening cermonies. Then today I stumble upon this gem.

Oy. Holding the US flag backwards when you’re the president of United States is kind of like me putting a freedom flag on my car upside down after being out for 14 years…kind of. It’s actually much worse and it looks like his daughter Barbara is about to remedy the mistake but not before it was well documented. Again, oy.

And the other day Mr. Bush was doing more than watching the games as he got some hands on experience in beach Volleyball. Misty May-Treanor turned her back to the president, offering her bikinied rear for one of the traditional slaps that volleyball players frequently give each other.

“Mr. President, want to?” she asked, repeating an offer she made when Bush gave a pep talk to the U.S. athletes before Friday’s opening ceremonies.

Bush smilingly gave a flick with the back of his hand to the small of her back instead. Although this was Misty May-Treanor’s idea we’d actually have more respect for the President if he did the traditional ass smack. C’mon, ass that fine in your face ya smack it!

I’ve always thought of Judge Judy as a total hard ass, but watch her haul ass out of the studio during the recent earthquake in Los Angeles. The old girl doesn’t even stop to dismiss court or bang a gavel or anything!

I guess you don’t have to worry about the “all rise!” stuff when there is a natural disaster taking place. But still, you’d think that Judy could have stuck around for a few more minutes, as officer of the court, to offer guidance and reassurance to the dirtbag litigants (who also aren’t apparently too bright, since they continued to stand there under heavy lights during a friggin’ earthquake.) Isn’t the judge sort of like the captain of a ship? Shouldn’t the judge go down with the courtroom? Even if it isn’t so much a courtroom but rather a sound stage, and even if she’s not so much a judge, but actually is acting as an arbiter.

Judge Judy has been described as “a show where justice is dispensed at the speed of light.” Apparently, the judge is also dispensed to a safe room at the speed of light at the first sign of trouble. I have to wonder if her bench is like the display room in the National Archives where the original Constitution and Declaration of Independence are on display. At the first sign of trouble, those suckers are lowered into a sealed vault for safekeeping, tourists be damned. The same must be true of Judge Judy, our national treasure! So, people, hate the game, not the gamer!

Continuing with additional Brady information, here’s another tidbit of information for you Brady-gossip hounds. Mrs. Brady told Christopher Knight not to marry Adrianne Curry. Big deal, Flo! I think everyone told Christopher Knight not to marry Adrianne Curry. I know I did! Of course I was talking to the television at the time, but that still counts.

Don’t do it, Peter!

Florence Henderson says that while her former TV son Christopher Knight has lived his life in front of the cameras the past few years, “reality [TV] is not for me.”

“It’s a double-edged sword,” Henderson said of shedding an iconic role. Henderson, 74, spoke to reporters on Tuesday at the Television Critics Association press tour in Los Angeles, where she was promoting her upcoming Hallmark Channel film Ladies of the House.

“It can be difficult to move on,” said the former Brady Brunch mom. “Christopher Knight is like my son and he was very involved with this person on The Surreal Life,” she says referring to model Adrianne Curry. “He asked me to counsel them – I am a certified hypnotherapist – but I didn’t really want to do reality TV.”

Henderson appeared on the couple’s VH1 show My Fair Brady, which she says seemed to steer the couple into an engagement. “They didn’t take my advice at all! And as you may have seen, they did get engaged and they did get married,” she says. “Maybe I will counsel the divorce.”

Aw, snap! Did Mrs. Brady really bring the snark like that. The old girl has still got it. I wonder how much snark she had to hold back during those years she did The Brady Bunch. I bet all the really good stuff went on backstage, or at the end of the day when Mrs. Brady and her best girlfriend, Mr. Brady got together for cosmopolitans and snarked on all the stupid shit they had to do all day. They probably gave each other pedicures and talked about how all those damn kids would end up milking the success of this lame show for years, writing books and appearing on reality shows and throwing up during radio interviews. Do bad we missed out on all that snark. Hey Mrs. Brady, if you’re readying this, we like your style! Come write a guest entry some day! We’ll even give you your own category if you want or you can practice your hypnotherapy skills on us.

But like you tried to warn Chris, we have to warn you: don’t marry Judge Judy. That lady gets bitchy. That is yet another reality show you don’t want any part of (even though it is awesome!)

So Susan Olsen, who apparently is never, ever, ever, ever going to be allowed to let go of her past as a Brady, did a radio interview recently on KDZA-FM in Colorado Springs. From the clip below it seems like questions she’s probably answered thousands of times before — really not that interesting. But as the interview goes on she starts to look a little rough, and not just from the boring-ass interview. It seems like she went out the night before and got shit-faced, which is all well and good, except now she is about to hork all over the microphone. Add to this the fact that she seems to have her KID with her. Wrongness!

Can you really blame her for tying one on? She is still Cindy Brady. She will always be Cindy Brady. I think we should all be glad that she’s not out robbing Hollywood Video stores for meth money. Am I right or am I right?

Cindy Brady, Susan Olsen, Brady Bunch, hangovers

Yeah, we watched some of the Tony awards, mostly on fast forward speed three on the DVR. There were some lackluster performances from the 20 millionth revival of Grease, a reunion of the original cast of Rent and a weird Sunday’s in the Park with George performance where the lead seemed to be wearing jeans and pumas with his turn of the century jacket. But what really stopped our thumb in its tracks was seeing Liza Minnelli come out on stage. Take a look.

Yeah, so, so, SO many things going on here. So here they are the top five things that disturb us about this image.

5) The dress (suit) makes her look like a villain in the new Batman movie

4) Did she get a leg transplant cause them things is free of the varicose veinage

3) She’s so drunk she’s sober

2) Her homage to Luciano Pavarotti by wearing one of his old jackets as a dress

And the number one thing that disturbs us about this image is…

1) Old Lady Bra!

I would so watch this show if it was on HBO! But probably just HBO, not on TBS where they’d cut out all the good stuff. Although I don’t know how much I’d be able to stomach Bea Arthur, Charlotte Rae, Sally Struthers (not my first choice) and Katherine Helmond (Mona!) talking about BJs. I’m sure you’re wondering what the F I’m talking about but check out this TV land spoof of all these Golden ladies doing Sex and the City. And Abe Vagota, who knew?

Thanks TV Land. Thanks for keepin’ it real - Real Funny!

Ok, you got me. I didn’t just get in a time machine and jump ahead eight years. This is actually a picture of the lovely Queen Fabiola of Belgium about to blow out the candles at her 80th birthday.

Still, I can hope that maybe Hil and Barry can shake hands and maybe think about running in this thing together to assure there isn’t another crusty old white dude in the Oval office. Although Lori and I did agree that we’d much rather picture Michelle Obama having an affair with Gina Gershon than Bill Clinton. (Alleged affair, jeesh!)

Well that didn’t take too long. It was just last week or so that all of us on the gossip circuit heard that Jodie Foster and her partner of fourteen years had split up. (It wasn’t that long ago that Jodie publicly acknowleged her former partner Cydney Bernard, with whom she has two young children.) And thankfully we have the always reliable National Enquirer to give us all the scoopage on the lesbianonic drama.

JODIE FOSTER’S NEWEST GF

Jodie Foster cheated on her lesbian partner of 14 years with a younger, prettier woman who is now her new girlfriend!

The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively that the Oscar winner’s new love is brunette Cindy Mort, a producer and screenwriter she met on the set of her 2007 film The Brave One.

The 47-year-old star’s new squeeze is the former partner of thirtysomething actress Melanie Mayron — with whom she has two children!

Meanwhile, 55-year-old Cydney Bernard is still living with Jodie but their romance is over, say sources.

Jodie has never publicly identified the father of her 6- and 9-year-old sons, Charles and Kit.

” Although she and Cydney remain under the same roof at the moment,” a close pal told The ENQUIRER, “the relationship has been shattered.�?

To complicate matters, Cindy, 51, remains friends with her ex-partner Melanie — and the two women live in separate houses on the same Los Angeles street.

Jodie plans to move into one of her Hollywood homes full-time, and ex-Cydney will live in another, disclosed a source close to Jodie.

“They’ll continue to raise the boys together and try to keep a loving family unit despite their breakup.

“The love is gone,” said the source.

My favorite part of all this crap is how the Enquirer is pointing out that Foster left her partner for a “younger, prettier woman.” Uh, really? I googled the younger, prettier Cindy Mort and while she is apparently younger (by about four years) and may be prettier (depending on your definition of “pretty”) it certainly isn’t as salacious as all that. When I read “younger and prettier” I thought that Foster had taken up with someone from The Hills or with a checkout girl from Hot Topic or something. And if this story had been reported about a heterosexual couple, then age difference wouldn’t have even been mentioned (or more, likely, it would have been alluded to because the “younger, prettier” woman WOULD have been the checkout girl from Hot Topic, or maybe the coat check girl from the Roxy.

So, while I think its sad that a long term relationship (and one with young children) is breaking up, it’s not really all gross or has a drastic age difference (I’m looking at you, Ellen DeGeneres). If Jodie Foster had to cheat, at least she did it with someone age appropriate. So there.

Jodie Foster, Cydney Bernard, Cindy Mort