Trashy Celebs

Hard to believe, but it’s been 30 years since the first piece of shit email, better known as Spam was sent out. To celebrate the occasion, Spam treated itself to a day at the races partying it up at the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby. Appearing on the red carpet already wasted on Mint Juleps, Spam was quick to remind guests what a D-Bag it really is.

“Yo, Yo Hef-Baby!” Spam shouted at Hugh Hefner who appeared with a gaggle of girlfriends. “Hef I’ll turn your old pruney dick into a revived large love tool! Just click here and I’ll hook you up!” blathered Spam pointed at its nether regions.

Unfortunately, the crass Spam had only gotten started.

A little Spam history if you’re unfamiliar with it. The first recognizable email marketing message was sent on May 3rd 1978 to 400 people on behalf of DEC—a now-defunct computer-maker. The message was sent via Arpanet—the internet but on a black screen with green type and no LOL Cats. Now billions of spam messages are sent every week hyping everything from boner pills to flat screen TV’s to scams trying to get people to send money over seas.

“Fatone, Wasssup? Joey Fatone,” blurted Spam. “I can get you .50 per pill %RND_WORD!”

“Word?” said the dopey Fatone. “Word!” said Spam and you’ll enjoy our super summer discounts and be able to eat smaller meals.”

“Fo’ Reals?” Fatone replied. “Real Fast,” said Spam “Urgentemente! Aviso de seguridad!” Luckily at this point J-Fats busty date pulled him away before the checkbook came out. Unfortunately others weren’t as lucky. Spam managed to convince Hills (actor?) Spencer Pratt to leave Heidi Montag and watch “STEAMY HOT LESBIAN ACTION LIVE ON CAMERA!”

Relic Joe Piscopo was enticed to go for a “F R E E* 30 Second Pre-Qualification MORTGAGE Application.” And the saddest case of all was when past his due-date American Idol winner Taylor Hicks had his ID stolen when Spam lured him into submission by saying that he’d been “sent an Insta-Kiss!”

It was at this point that Derby officials deleted Spam’s VIP access card and banished it to the infield where it spent the day doing beer bongs and convincing drunk masses to buy property in Ecuador.

So I guess with everything going on with Britney Spears and the custody battle and the media attention and the court dates has pushed Kevin Federline toward some stress-eating. The former backup dancer who used to spend a lot of time without his shirt on is now apparently, uh, having to buy some bigger shirts.

source

Wow. I mean, sure that isn’t the most flattering picture of the Fed-Ex but boy has definitely let himself go. I mean, I know we all have heard of and experienced relationship-ass (you know, that time when you get into a relationship and start gaining weight because you are all comfortable and happy and spending a lot of time eating in restaurants.) But it seems like The Feder-dine has developed the opposite …. the lack-of-relationship ass. Better cut back on the beer, son, and do a little more dancing. And for the love of God, get rid of that haircut. It looked ridiculous when you first got it but it looks even stupider when you’re wearing khakis and an ill-fitting golf shirt. Sheesh.

Kevin Federline, Britney Spears

Bobby Brown, come on, have a little dignity. You were a member of New Edition, for goodness sake. (At least until you were kicked out for “lewd acts: on stage, which, really, you sang teeny-bopper songs like “Candy Girl” and “Mr. Telephone Man” to 12-13 year old girls in a high falsetto rivaling Michael Jackson’s, so you shoulda saved those lewd acts for when their mothers came backstage after the show.)

But I guess he didn’t save his money or invest it very well (and there had to be a lot of money in sounding like Michael Jackson and romancin’ like Barry White) because he is clinging to ex-wife Whitney Houston like Saran Wrap. Recently, his attempt to overturn the terms of his divorce with Houston was denied by an Orange County judge.

Bobby Brown’s Attempt to Overturn Divorce Denied

Bobby Brown’s attempt to overturn ex-wife Whitney Houston’s divorce terms was denied by an Orange County, Calif. judge Friday.

“His motion was denied because there were no appearances or phone calls from Mr. Brown today for a scheduled hearing,” said court spokeswoman Carole Levitsky. “As of now, there are no more pending court dates in this case.”

A rep for Brown did not immediately respond for comment.

In April 2007, Houston won a default judgment in their divorce – leaving Brown with nothing financially and only visitation rights over daughter Bobbi Kristina, 14.

The following month, Brown, 38, sued Houston, 44, for spousal support and shared custody, alleging he was duped into not responding in time to Houston’s initial divorce claim.

“I just miss my daughter,” Brown told PEOPLE last August. “The goal is to see her a lot more and to be involved in the decision making in her life.”

Houston, who currently lives in Atlanta, is working on another album with longtime mentor Clive Davis.

Whitney, girl, you better hold on to your money. Don’t give it to him. Keep working on your big voice and your comeback album and don’t listen to that Osama bin Laden story Bobby keeps telling.

What do Heath Ledger and our dog Muriel have in common? Well, yes, they are both cute, but that’s not what I am talking about. And no, it’s not that they have both made out with Jake Gyllenhaal. Apparently, at times, they are both sort of smelly.

Heath Ledger disgusted fellow subway passengers in New York at the weekend with his “unwashed” stench, it has been claimed.

The ‘Brokeback Mountain’ star was spotted carrying his two-year-old daughter Matilda through a station during Thanksgiving weekend, and commuters who crossed his path insist he was giving off an unpleasant smell.

One onlooker said: “He was pushing past the crowds on a staircase and I got quite a whiff. He smelled pretty unwashed!”

Heath - who split from Matilda’s mother Michelle Williams in the summer - was wearing red-framed sunglasses, an oversize lilac knitted hat and a fleece-lined jacket, which passengers also claim needed a good wash.

The witness added to America’s OK! magazine: “His jacket has clearly never seen the inside of a washing machine. He seemed to be going for the hobo-chic look!”

Wow, that is harsh. I mean, it’s been awhile since I have been on a New York City subway, but from my limited experience, I can say that there are lots of interesting smells in the stations so how do we know that it was actually Heath Ledger fouling the place up? It could have been the guy standing behind him. It could have been the person who was there previously. It could have just been the damn subway car itself.
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So there is a word in the U.K. slang lexicon prat which basically means, “fool;” indeed it was originally slang for “buttocks” (i.e. what Heidi Montag is rubbing up against him in the picture below.) Would you like me to use prat in a sentence to make it more clear? Sure! Spencer Pratt is a prat for thinking anyone gives a good goddamn about his little “sex tape.” Does that clear things up?

From the National Enquirer:

Talk about art imitating life! On The Hills this season, the plot-line involves Spencer Pratt being accused of spreading rumors about an alleged sex tape of Lauren Conrad – but in real life, says an inside source, Spencer’s actually got a sex tape of his own that shows him and a few buddies exploring the, er… hills and valleys of some smokin’ hot Brazilian babes!

(Note to Spencer’s fiancee, Heidi Montag: The alleged Samba Land group grope was lensed way before you two became betrothed, but know this: My source says Spencer showed the tape to a Hollywood video editor and repeatedly asked him to spruce it up – saying he might secretly release it into the marketplace while claiming it was “stolen,�? a la Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, etc. The editor nixed the sleazy project, Heidi, so hopefully your betrothed has given up the idea, but…it wouldn’t hurt to ask, right?)

I swear, whenever I hear something about The Hills I always have to go and look it up again to figure out what in the world it is all about. This, for once, is not the fault of the show or the celebrities “celebrities” involved but is actually because I am one thousand years old. For those of you in my age range, I can tell you that the The Hills is a MTV reality show that is a spin-off of another popular MTV reality show Laguna Beach. The Hills apparently documents the trials, tribulations, free clinic visits and shoe-shopping sprees of one Lauren “L.C.” Conrad. Pratt apparently has a place on the show because he is the boyfriend/fiance of Conrad’s roommate, Heidi Montag. Do you even care about these rich people and the show documenting their lives? And did Pratt the Prat get so caught up on having every single mudane moment of his life (brush teeth, wear socks, feed dog, buy milk, fuck
Brazilian hottie, visit dentist) that he ended up recording parts of his sex life as well? Sheesh, dude, sometimes you have to turn the camera off.

Spencer Pratt, The Hills, Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, Laguna Beach

Jeez, I thought celebrities had drivers and assistants and OnStar and shit like that. Why is Jeremy Piven relying on the kindness of young fans to provide roadside assistance?

Spotted outside a BevHills parking garage: Hot-tempered “Entourage�? star JEREMY PIVEN, furiously kicking a flat tire on his Range Rover and slamming his fists on the hood in frustration – obviously not knowing what the hell to do without his entourage of go-fers and star-kissers – until a cute 20-ish babe came running up and said: “OOoohh… Jeremy, I’m such a fan!�? As Piven groused about the flat tire, his newfound groupie offered to help him change it. “I don’t know how to do that,�? he told her. Chirped Wonder Woman: “It’s easy!�? In moments, she’d jacked up the car, lowered the spare tire from the undercarriage – and had the flat changed in 15 minutes…er, flat. Amazed, Jeremy thanked her profusely, then gave her an autograph – and got a hot kiss ON THE LIPS! (Hey, that beats AAA!)

And maybe I’m all up in the reverse sexism here, but would a man, especially a vaguely douchelike man like Jeremy Piven, actually admit to a hot young thang that he doesn’t know how to change a tire? I DOUBT IT. I don’t even like to admit that I am not 100% sure how to do it (I mean, I know how to do it in theory but I have never done it in practice. And also I have ROADSIDE FRICKIN’ ASSISTANCE.) And if some nice person stopped to give me a hand, I would offer to buy him or her a drink or lunch or something, as a thank you, rather than Piven’s “thank-you-with-a-tongue-down-your-throat” method. That man is all class!

Jeremy Piven, Entourage, flat tire, National Enquirer

Well, it seems like all the talk about Tony Romo and Carrie Underwood is finally going to have to come to an end. Not only has Underwood moved on to a new boytoy, but it seems that Romo has found a new teammate as well. According to People magazine, Romo has been seen on a junior-high-school-like group date with Sophia Bush, star of One Tree Hill and former wife of Chad Michael Murray, the actor with three first names.

On Monday night, the pair were spotted dining together at the N9NE Steakhouse in Dallas, along with several of Romo’s teammates and their spouses and girlfriends.

“Tony and Sophia arrived at the restaurant together, just the two of them in the same car,” says a source. “They had drinks in the lounge and awaited the rest of their party to arrive.”

The pair sat next to each other the entire night while laughing and talking with their table full of pals.

“When they were leaving and chatting with friends and some staff at the bar, Tony was hugging Sophia from behind, and she put her arms around him as well,” adds the source.

On Tuesday afternoon, they arrived together at a party at Cowboys cornerback Terence Newman’s home in Dallas – at which guests previewed the video game Guitar Hero III for Xbox 360.

Bush didn’t play, says a source, but enjoyed watching Romo’s competitive streak in action: “She was laughing at him when he screwed up a little bit in the beginning. They had a good time. They seem cute together.”

First dinner with his friends and teammates and then a some Guitar Hero action? That sounds pretty serious. Amy and I didn’t play any videogames together (Mortal Kombat for the curious) until we had been dating for at least six months. And that hugging from behind thing? That’s a sweetly serious move. Either that, or the move of a man who is still pretending he is hugging a country singer and American Idol winner. Aw, poor broken-hearted Tony Romo. That’s almost as bad as blowing the NFC wildcard playoff game in January 2007. Carrie Underwood was there to pick up the pieces that time. I only hope Sophia Bush is as supportive!

Tony Romo, Sophia Bush, Carrie Underwood, Chad Michael Murray, Dallas Cowboys, Guitar Hero III

So in random hookup news, it was reported yesterday by numerous sources that Vanessa “Ugly Betty” Williams and Vince “Ugly Hair Line” Vaughn are now a hot couple. Williams is known for being kick-ass beautiful, that whole naked picture thing, acting and having a mildly successful singing career. Btw in regards to the title of this entry, I know her biggest song is called Save the Best for Last, but first that song got stuck in my head, then it was something by Anita Baker and now my brain is torturing me with Billy Ocean. You’re welcome.

Anyway, the two have been supposedly “sneaking around�? Los Angeles together in hopes of avoiding the paparazzi. MediaTakeOut claims, “Vanessa’s really trying to keep this a secret … She feels that the press helped ruin her relationship with Rick [Fox], so she’s trying to keep what she has with Vince private.�?

Back story - Williams second marriage was to NBA basketball player Rick Fox in 1999 and the two have a daughter, Sasha Gabriella (born May 2000). After The National Enquirer published pictures of Fox kissing another woman in mid-2004, Fox’s representative announced that the couple had been “headed toward divorce” for over a year. A few months later in August 2004, Fox filed for divorce. So that’s her past, and we all know the sorted Vince Vaughn - Jennifer Aniston dealio, but back to the whistle blowers, Media Take Out. Their report suggests that Vanessa and Vince have been sneaking around Tinseltown and they cite what they call a source that is one of their “most trusted.”

We’re not sure if we completely believe this story but we want to. They could be the new Ashton and Demi, JT and Cameron or just another case of super-fine woman carrying around a lot of eye baggage.

Vanessa Williams, Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Aniston

Rihanna that is. After romancing Scarlett Johansson and Helena Christensen, Josh Hartnett, 29, was spotted kissing and cuddling with the Jay-Z protégé, 19, at NYC club Pink Elephant over the weekend.

A source says the couple met up after her Thursday night concert at the Nokia Theatre in Times Square and were chillin’ at table with bottles of Dom Perignon and Pink Elephant Vodka. Sources say they “didn’t come together, but left together.”

After reports of trying on “it” boys Justin Timberlake, then Shia LaBeouf, Rihanna has apparently taken her umbrella to no-longer relevant actors like Harnett. But this may not be a new thing. Rihanna and Josh apparently have known each other for a bit and were spotted at lunch together in LA a few weeks ago in addition to appearing on TRL last week.

We thinks the SOS singer might be taking her Good Girl Gone Bad themed tour to heart. Last week she was seen leaving the Whatever’ tattoo parlor in New York with what appears to be her fifth tattoo to date. The Barbadian beauty already has a music note on her ankle, a Pisces sign behind her right ear, a star in her left ear and a Sanskrit prayer going down her hip.

The folks at Dlisted were able to get a shot of the new tattoo, which is supposedly a guitar, but looks more like a bong shaped penis or a penis shaped bong depending on how you look at it. We agree with them in that either she was drunk when she got this tat or the person doing it was. And we highly doubt it was on pink elephant vodka. Ew.

tattoo, Good Girl Gone Bad, Jay-Z, Rihanna, Josh Hartnett, Helena Christensen, Pink Elephant Vodka, Shia LaBeouf, Justin Timberlake

An ex-mistress of Rap mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs revealed oily details of his extremely exorbitant lifestyle to the UK’s Sunday Mirror. Nai Bacha who met the singer last year in Toronto tells of his crazy appetite for parties and long-lasting boink-fests that involved a whole mess of baby oil. Oh and also how Diddy cheated on the mother of his twins, Kim Porter, before and after she gave birth. We wonder if J-Lo would have put up with that noise?

Nai says: “Sean’s life has to be seen to be believed. He calls himself The King - and even Prince Charles cannot be any more demanding than he is. He has a cast of thousands to ensure his life is perfect. They hang on his every need - he has one man just to pour his drinks, one to cut his hair and shave him…and two entire teams to look after his jewelery and clothes.”

She goes on to say “Sean knows how to take care of his lady. We had the most amazing sex ever. He loves baby oil all over his body. He’s the most amazing sensual lover I’ve ever had.”

We’re guessing he applies the baby-oil himself but Nai did go into details about the insane amount of everyday things Puffy’s, yeah I called him Puffy, staff does for him. In fact he’s so obsessed with grooming that he has his own personal barber that travels with him. “That’s the only man on the planet who can trim his hair or give him a shave. Sean never shaves himself.” But that’s just the beginning. He has a whole team devoted to P-dressing him that care for a traveling wardrobe of 80 suits that are laid out for inspection every night.

Nai says: “Sean is always immaculately dressed and that takes military precision. He has one guy in charge of his wardrobe, another who’s responsible for putting different outfits together. When he came to London he had wardrobes filled with suits. There were about 80 from the biggest designers in the world - but only in black or white. The cheapest cost about £2,000. (almost 4,000 bucks if you were speaking American).

“Then there’s his cook Diane, who is on call all day and night. It might be 6am and he’ll want porridge. Diane is always on standby ready to make a perfect bowl.”

Diddy also pays a team of aides with absurdly specific jobs. “There was someone whose sole job for the day was to mix Sean’s favorite cocktail, Patron Silver tequila with ice,” says Nai. “He wasn’t allowed to make drinks for anyone else. Sean also has someone whose only job is to play his own records wherever he goes. I never heard him listening to anyone else’s music.”

Nai goes on with a butt-load more details about what kind of gum he likes (fruity, not minty) and how he always has to have Heinz Ketchup (not Catsup, that’ll get you slapped) on hand.

Apparently this big insight into D’s personal extravagance was brought on because he’s been oiling up actress Sienna Miller. Nia was on hand while Diddy, Miller, his barber, Ketchup provider and whoever else dinned at exclusive London restaurant Cipriani.

“Throughout the dinner he was fork-feeding Sienna from his plate. They were baby-talking each other, ‘baby this and baby that’.

“They were really flirty and I felt disrespected. It was obvious what was going on. You could see the body language. I just sat there and thought, ‘How can this be happening?’ What really shocked me was when Sienna said to Sean, ‘Oh baby, are you getting all oiled-up and s***?’

“He was like, ‘Oops’. I thought using baby oil was our little secret - but I guess not.”

But according to Nia, Diddy and Miller were arguing later in the evening. So her hopes of being his future Ipod carrier are still a go.

Sean “Diddy” Combs, Sienna Miller, Nia Bacha, Baby Oil