Trashy Celebs

Normally I am not all shocked and appalled by stupid celebrity behavior and stupid celebrities who need to get over their damn selves. I just laugh, unless it is something truly criminal or immoral. But here I am breaking the norm a bit because I am taking this one a little bit personally. Little Disney-bot Miley Cyrus and her alter-ego Hannah Montana have taken a swipe (albeit a weak, ineffectual one) at my favorite band, the supremely awesome Radiohead.

Apparently, Radiohead is Hannah Montana’s favorite band (doubtful) and the reason she “loves music” (that’s a laugh) is now NOT her favorite band anymore and she is TOTALLY going to tell her Dad they were mean to her and he is going to give them ALL achy-breaky hearts! So there!

Now how did this all come about? Well if you watched the Grammy Awards (and who didn’t?) then you know that both Miley (yawn) and Radiohead (sweet). And apparently Miley wanted to meet the band so she “extended an invitation.” And since Radiohead probably doesn’t know/care who the hell she is and they were there to, y’know, put on an awesome and creative performance for the audience both in the theater and watching on television, well, they choose to decline. And Miley (Bruce Jenner) turned into Hannah (The Hulk) and now she is trying to SMASH!

“The reason I’m in this business is to make people happy,” she said, implying that Radiohead aren’t. She added, “I left ’cause I was so upset. I wasn’t going to watch. Stinkin’ Radiohead! I’m gonna ruin them, I’m going to tell everyone.”

I’m sure Radiohead are all tuning up their resumes in anticipation of their careers ending any day now. Is Starbucks hiring?

OH girls! I wonder how much more of a hoochie they made Lil Kim into. She’s kind of peeved off at the way she was portrayed in the new Biggie Smalls biopic Notorious. The movie, which is about the life of The Notorious B.I.G. (aka Biggie Smalls, aka Christopher Wallace) comes out this weekend and Lil’ Kim doesn’t like how the film makers made her look.

Kim’s people released the following statement on her behalf:

“The film studio and producers involved were more concerned about painting me as a ‘character’ to create a more interesting story line instead of a person with talent, self-respect and who was able to achieve her own career success through hard work… Even though my relationship with Big was at times very difficult and complicated (as with most relationships we have all experienced at one time or another), it was also genuine and built on great admiration and love for each other. Regardless of the many lies in the movie and false portrayal of me to help carry a story line through, I will still continue to carry his legacy through my hard work and music.”

At the flick’s NY premiere, the screenwriter said he understands why Lil Kim might not like the film, but added “I think that Naturi (Naughton) did a great job playing Kim. I think people are going to be a lot more sympathetic towards (Lil Kim) after seeing the movie.”

Wayne Barrow — Biggie’s former manager and a producer on the movie — put the smack down on Kim’s attitude.

“Our job as producers … was to deliver for three individuals. That’s his mom and his two children. Everybody else: Stand in line, buy a ticket and enjoy the show.”

Oh looks like someone is being beaten with the magic stick. Still, we may elect to see Slumdog Millionaire over this one this weekend.

Oy. So according to a Gallup/Harris poll released Monday, 37 percent of American citizens can’t identify their home country on a map of the United States. Sure it was only 1400 people surveyed and they were all Two and a Half Men fans but c’mon! If you know where the five closest McDonalds are you really shouldn’t think your country is located in the map’s legend. I shit you not, check it!

Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security sees the Gallup/Harris poll results as a blessing in disguise. According to Secretary Michael Chertoff, the nation would be better off if these numbers skewed even higher.

According to the Huffington, Post Chertoff said, “Personally, I believe if fewer people in this world could spot America on a map, we’d have a much better chance of avoiding national tragedies like 9/11. You can’t attack a country you can’t find.”

What Chertoff didn’t realize was that 98.5% of terrorists have absolutely no problem identifying America on a map. In fact, they too can locate the five closest McDonalds to their attack destination. (those freakin’ McNuggets are just too damn tantalizing!)

If that’s not embarrassing enough, The White House yesterday released a very Barney Christmas video on the internets. President Bush, when not having footwear chucked at his melon, looks to have potential as a sitcom actor. Too bad Laura, Barbara, Jenna and her hubby had to lay a big old stink bomb on the thing. Check it out in all its Technicolor creepiness.

We really don’t think Barney would be having daydreams about Olympic gold unless there was a reward of human flesh at the end. And Micheal Phelps, really I thought you were better than that. Or maybe I didn’t.

Oh Lordy. OH LORDY. Everyone’s favorite bisexual reality TV attention whore is looking for another Shot At Love …. parental love that is. Tila Tequila is looking to adopt a child and I am just wondering if some douchebag executive at MTV is trying to figure out a way to make that into another MTV reality show … A Shot At Dysfunction with Tila Tequila, anyone? What the hell?

In the article linked above Tila even admits she isn’t all that great at taking care of other living things. She had to give her dog away because the dog “didn’t like to travel.” And I’ve always said that raising a dog is the best way to test your readiness to have a kid. Tila, babies don’t always like to travel either. Just because they make those baby backpacks and car seats and pack n’ plays and the like, that doesn’t mean that your baby can’t wait to rack up the frequent flier miles. Those things are for the necessity of occasional travel with a baby … like to doctors appointments and baby yoga and Mommy and Me classes. (And as a side note MTV producers: I do not want to see any Shot at Love with Tila Tequila set in Mommy and Me classes, got it? Put those Blackberrys down.)

Whatever. I don’t know Tila Tequila and in her private life she might just be a very responsible loving parent and would raise a flock of very happy, well adjusted kids. But all I know of her (and all she has presented) is her public persona and well, I wouldn’t let that person adopt a fern.

And isn’t that just a little weird? It’s a little weird for me, anyway. I mean, my mom has heard of Jackass and knows my fondness for the show and the movies (and I believe my sister and I have shown her a clip or two) but I’m doubtful that she knows who Steve-O is, as his segments are the type that I generally would filter out. I mean, he has been know to perform some of the stranger/more disturbing stunts on the show, that frequently involve poo or vomit. And I would never, ever expose Amy’s grandma to a show like Jackass because she is a very sweet and respectable lady, and she likes me and I don’t want that to change.

So why are they going to know who Steve-O is? Well the rumor floating about lately is that Steve-O has made a verbal commitment to appear on Dancing With the Stars, a show that both my mom and Amy’s grandma are known to be fond of. In fact, my sister has had to remind me on more than one occasion not to call my mom on Monday nights and interrupt her watching the show. And now I have no way of timing things just right to call her and interrupt the show so she won’t witness him snorting wasabe and vomiting into his plate or stapling his own scrotum to his thigh. ABC, what in the world are you thinking? Do you even have insurance to cover this?

What the what what? Someone telling Madonna what to do? Someone telling Madonna what to do … with her hair? I don’t think so, mister man.

Guy Ritchie Bans Madonna From Cutting Her Hair

MADONNA’s movie-making husband Guy Ritchie has banned the singer from cutting her hair.

The Material Girl hitmaker — who has been sporting long blonde locks on her current Sticky and Sweet tour — is desperate for a radical new style, but Guy is less than thrilled with the idea.

The 50-year-old singer told Fox News, “I want to have shorter hair, but I have a husband that loves the long-haired look and, well, that is just one of the things I do for him.”

Madonna’s hair is also one of her most profitable assets.

Earlier this year, the queen of pop was paid $10 million to advertise Sunsilk hair care products, and starred in a global ‘Life Can’t Wait’ campaign for the company alongside Shakira and the late Marilyn Monroe.

Seriously, though, does anyone think that Madonna actually uses Sunsilk hair care products? I imagine she uses something made of crushed diamonds and yak’s milk. And only the purest of spring waters from the mountains of Tibet to rinse the shampoo from her hair. And hey, $10 million from Sunsilk will buy you a lot of diamond and yaks milk shampoo.

My argument with this little piece of “news” is that I don’t think Madonna’s hair is “one of her most profitable assets.” Sunsilk didn’t want her for their commercials because of her hair They wanted her because she is Madonna. She could be completely bald and if she was still willing to do it, I bet Sunsilk still would have paid her $10 million. And you would still buy it!

Oh, you bitches better count your lucky stars, because Trash Talker Lori had something really, really special planned for you today. Very special indeed. I’m sure it is something that would have changed your life forever, and by that, I mean you would have gone to school to learn a completely different language, preferably one using a completely different alphabet, so that you would never again have to read or hear words in the English language. What could I have written to inspire such a dramatic change in the lives of all Trashy Celebs readers?

I was going to live blog the Verne Troyner Sex Tape.

Just in case you skipped that last sentence, I was going to LIVE BLOG THE VERNE TROYNER SEX TAPE. Yes, that Verne Troyner.

You see, I came across a link to the Mini-Me sex tape and had enough grotesque curiosity to want to check it out. We aren’t allowed to post naughty things on this site, but I thought, since I can’t provide the video for those with the same grotesque curiosity, I could at least describe it! It couldn’t be more of a train wreck than the VMAs! But after clicking on the site and waiting and waiting and waiting I was taken to another page requesting $9.95 (for a week’s access to the video!) Why would I need a week’s access, unless it was to use the video as a sort of diet plan so I would either have no appetite or immediately throw up anything I had just eaten? OMG! Verne Troyner totally wants you to be either anorexic or bulimic!

Eating disorders aside, I think it’s best that I wasn’t able to live blog this total crime against all that is good and decent in the word of internet celebrity pornography. What’s next? A Dan Rather/Helen Thomas sex tape? For reals, people, this insanity has got to stop.

Well the big sister/godmother/auntie/mama bear that lives inside of me sure came screaming out when I saw THIS video clip from a Jesse McCartney concert. WTF??? I am ready to grab that microphone and smack him upside his head. Just watch and see if YOU aren’t shocked and outraged as well.

Okay, so I don’t know just how old that girl is, but I do know that she is NOT EIGHTEEN. She is YOUNGER than EIGHTEEN and while I have no problem with young Mr. McCartney bringing a fan onstage and singing to her (it’s sweet in theory, really) I do have a problem with him getting ALL UP ON HER JOCK like that. There should be an invisible BUBBLE there on that stage, Mr. McCartney, safely surrounding that girl, and you should stay well out of it. She has her dance space, and you have yours. You are not Janet Jackson

You sing her the song, from at least five feet away. Then you give her some flowers and a quick, platonic hug, MAYBE a kiss on the check. Then security hustles her offstage to where her mother and VERY LARGE MUSCULAR father are waiting and she promptly texts all her friends to tell them what just happened. You do not give her a lingering hug which leads to her RUBBING YOUR BACK onstage in front of a gazillion other tweens who now want to RUB AN ADULT GROWN MAN’s back as well. WRONG WRONG WRONG. I used to approve of my nieces listening to your music and thinking you were cute but now I am glad that they are OVER YOU because that means I won’t have to attend one of your concerts with them toting a BASEBALL BAT.

Why yes, I am known as the overprotective auntie amongst my friends kids. Why do you ask?