Trashy Celebs

What the what what? Someone telling Madonna what to do? Someone telling Madonna what to do … with her hair? I don’t think so, mister man.

Guy Ritchie Bans Madonna From Cutting Her Hair

MADONNA’s movie-making husband Guy Ritchie has banned the singer from cutting her hair.

The Material Girl hitmaker — who has been sporting long blonde locks on her current Sticky and Sweet tour — is desperate for a radical new style, but Guy is less than thrilled with the idea.

The 50-year-old singer told Fox News, “I want to have shorter hair, but I have a husband that loves the long-haired look and, well, that is just one of the things I do for him.”

Madonna’s hair is also one of her most profitable assets.

Earlier this year, the queen of pop was paid $10 million to advertise Sunsilk hair care products, and starred in a global ‘Life Can’t Wait’ campaign for the company alongside Shakira and the late Marilyn Monroe.

Seriously, though, does anyone think that Madonna actually uses Sunsilk hair care products? I imagine she uses something made of crushed diamonds and yak’s milk. And only the purest of spring waters from the mountains of Tibet to rinse the shampoo from her hair. And hey, $10 million from Sunsilk will buy you a lot of diamond and yaks milk shampoo.

My argument with this little piece of “news” is that I don’t think Madonna’s hair is “one of her most profitable assets.” Sunsilk didn’t want her for their commercials because of her hair They wanted her because she is Madonna. She could be completely bald and if she was still willing to do it, I bet Sunsilk still would have paid her $10 million. And you would still buy it!

Oh, you bitches better count your lucky stars, because Trash Talker Lori had something really, really special planned for you today. Very special indeed. I’m sure it is something that would have changed your life forever, and by that, I mean you would have gone to school to learn a completely different language, preferably one using a completely different alphabet, so that you would never again have to read or hear words in the English language. What could I have written to inspire such a dramatic change in the lives of all Trashy Celebs readers?

I was going to live blog the Verne Troyner Sex Tape.

Just in case you skipped that last sentence, I was going to LIVE BLOG THE VERNE TROYNER SEX TAPE. Yes, that Verne Troyner.

You see, I came across a link to the Mini-Me sex tape and had enough grotesque curiosity to want to check it out. We aren’t allowed to post naughty things on this site, but I thought, since I can’t provide the video for those with the same grotesque curiosity, I could at least describe it! It couldn’t be more of a train wreck than the VMAs! But after clicking on the site and waiting and waiting and waiting I was taken to another page requesting $9.95 (for a week’s access to the video!) Why would I need a week’s access, unless it was to use the video as a sort of diet plan so I would either have no appetite or immediately throw up anything I had just eaten? OMG! Verne Troyner totally wants you to be either anorexic or bulimic!

Eating disorders aside, I think it’s best that I wasn’t able to live blog this total crime against all that is good and decent in the word of internet celebrity pornography. What’s next? A Dan Rather/Helen Thomas sex tape? For reals, people, this insanity has got to stop.

Well the big sister/godmother/auntie/mama bear that lives inside of me sure came screaming out when I saw THIS video clip from a Jesse McCartney concert. WTF??? I am ready to grab that microphone and smack him upside his head. Just watch and see if YOU aren’t shocked and outraged as well.

Okay, so I don’t know just how old that girl is, but I do know that she is NOT EIGHTEEN. She is YOUNGER than EIGHTEEN and while I have no problem with young Mr. McCartney bringing a fan onstage and singing to her (it’s sweet in theory, really) I do have a problem with him getting ALL UP ON HER JOCK like that. There should be an invisible BUBBLE there on that stage, Mr. McCartney, safely surrounding that girl, and you should stay well out of it. She has her dance space, and you have yours. You are not Janet Jackson

You sing her the song, from at least five feet away. Then you give her some flowers and a quick, platonic hug, MAYBE a kiss on the check. Then security hustles her offstage to where her mother and VERY LARGE MUSCULAR father are waiting and she promptly texts all her friends to tell them what just happened. You do not give her a lingering hug which leads to her RUBBING YOUR BACK onstage in front of a gazillion other tweens who now want to RUB AN ADULT GROWN MAN’s back as well. WRONG WRONG WRONG. I used to approve of my nieces listening to your music and thinking you were cute but now I am glad that they are OVER YOU because that means I won’t have to attend one of your concerts with them toting a BASEBALL BAT.

Why yes, I am known as the overprotective auntie amongst my friends kids. Why do you ask?