Trashy Celebs

First some speedy wedding planning, then an abrupt, last minute cancellation.

The New York Daily News reported Sunday that Usher and fiancee/future babymama Tameka Foster, canceled their fancy-napkins wedding just hours before it was supposed to start.

No word on if they are even still a couple. Rumors are swirling that the wedding was called off because Foster was reluctant to sign a pre-nup or because Usher’s mom did not approve of the marriage.

Either way, this is one time when Usher isn’t saying “Yeah!”

Take that, rewind it back!

Usher, Tameka Foster, Usher marriage called off, Yeah!

Former Full House star Jodie Sweetin and her enormous breasts married some dude named Cody Herpin this past weekend in Las Vegas, according to the Las Vegas Sun. This is the second marriage for Sweetin, who previously had a four-year marriage with a Los Angeles police officer. (A police officer? That must have been awkward after her addiction to methamphetamine was revealed.)

If my hazy TV memory serves me correctly, I was a rather devoted viewer of Full House even though I hated it with a passion. I do prefer the grown-up-and-snarky version of Sweetin on Fuse’s Pants Off, Dance Off — a gig that makes me fell less dirty for having noticed that little Stephanie Tanner now has enormous breasts. How rude!

Mazel Tov to the happy couple. And even though the Enquirer is reporting that they have only known each other a few weeks (and implying that this relationship could in no way last), you crazy kids might make it. Lots of solid, long-lasting relationships begin in Vegas Strip wedding chapels. Just ask Britney Spears!

Jodie Sweetin, Full House, Cory Herpin, Stephanie Tanner, Pants Off Dance Off, Jodie Sweetin Marriage

Happy 4th of July to all my trash talkers out there. If anyone is out there taking a break from the BBQ and the parades and the fireworks and needs some celebrity gossip to soothe their souls, then just know we are here for you. And today, on this day of independence, we have some appropriate content, I feel — stories of women scoring independence (and hopefully alimony) from dubiously famous yet generally douchebaggy men.

Let’s start with everyone’s favorite improvisational singer and (apparent) talk show host (really? he had a talk show?) Wayne Brady. Brady’s wife, Mandie Brady wished him a happy 4th and served him up a big slice of shit pie when she filed for divorce this week, citing the always reliable “irreconcilable differences.” Now whose line is it, Wayne?

Also headed to divorce court are Jackass star Johnny Knoxville (whose real name is P.J. Clapp) and wife of 12 years, Melanie Clapp. I can’t say this one is too surprising, with all the rumors that floated a while back regarding Knoxville’s supposed fling with Jessica Simpson during the filming of Dukes of Hazzard. (And who could blame them, really? They had to do something to take their minds of the shitty movie they were filming.) Frankly, I would find this story more interesting (although still not surprising) if Johnny was leaving his wife for one of his homo-riffic Jackass costars, like Bam Margera or Steve-o. Welcome to Jackass, indeed!

Wayne Brady, Mandie Brady, Whose Line is it Anyway, Johnny Knoxville, P.J. Clapp, Melanie Clapp, Jessica Simpson, Dukes of Hazzard, Jackass, Bam Margera, Steve-o, celebrity divorce

“Wahoo! The Spice Girls are reuniting!” Cried 1996 after going on a decade-long bender with Dolly the cloned sheep. “Did you hear it Dolly, is it true?” stammered 1996, “Melanie “Sporty Spice” Chisholm, Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton, Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown, Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell, and even Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham are to reunite for 11 concerts around the world in December and January?”

“Yes it’s true,” we replied. And from the looks of things they’ll now be known as the Spice Women, spreading their message of disjointed wardrobe choices and uncomfortable shoes throughout the world.”

“Baaaaaah(2)” agreed Dolly waking up the Macarena who was mumbling into a peach daiquiri a few seats down. “Eh, esi, quit your bleating and get me some nachos,” said the Macarena. “And tell me when Boys II Men gets here, they owe me 20 bucks.”

Spice Girls, Macarena, Dolly, 1996

We all know there are hits to be found and money to be made in “woman scorned songs.” Alanis had one of the most well-known with “You Oughta Know,” rumored to be about a wide variety of well-known celebrities, including Dave Coulier, Bob Saget, Doug Gilmour (of the Toronto Maple Leafs), Mike Peluso (of the Ottawa Senators), Matt LeBlanc, or producer Leslie Howe. Personally, I hope its about Dave Coulier, because he bugged the crap out of me back during his Full House days.

But according to the National Enquirer, Mandy Moore is taking a page from Alanis’ livejournal and is taking out her angst with former boyfriend Zach Braff in song.

MANDY MOORE’S REVENGE AGAINST ZACH BRAFF

Mandy Moore sounds a tad bitter about her breakup with Zach Braff. On Mandy’s new album she sings about a “toxic� ex-boyfriend, according to the New York Post. One source close to Moore said, “We all assume it was about Zach, he was such a cheater.�

So, Mr. Sensitive-Garden-State guy is a big ole cheater, huh? And any song about a jilted-lover on Moore’s new album Wild Hope might be about the Scrubs star? Interesting. If you want to peruse some lyrics from the album and try to figure out which ones are about Braff, you can do so here (and feel free to post your guesses in the comments. “Nothing That You Are” is my guess.)

And Braff seems to have a vague response to these accusations on his MySpace page.

I’m not sure when or why the tabloid angle on me was decided that I am a cad. I would have much rather it had been that I am secretly a dentist or that I love soup. I am in fact, merely doing what every other single 32 year old man in NYC is doing this summer. I am dating. If you must read that stuff, please don’t digest it as fact. It is probably one of the only real shitty things one has to get used to when living in the public eye, but I suppose one of the benefits of this blog is that you can hear it directly from me. I haven’t had a vacation in 6 years and so I decided to take June and July off. I am having the best summer of my life! I am so happy here!
I’m hanging out with my New York friends, my Jersey boys, my family and loving every single second of it. And yes; I am dating. When we shoot Scrubs I spend every waking hour of my life in an abandoned and haunted hospital. All I can date there are ghosts and they tend to be horrible snugglers. So anyway, blah, blah, blah. Don’t believe the hype.

(Does anyone think celebrities actually write these things or is it just some intern or PR person?)

So what is the truth? We probably won’t ever know, just like with Alanis. But I hope Moore knows to make an awesome video and to feed the speculation without giving anything away, and get the songs into TV shows and movies, so she can make a shitload of money in the process.

Mandy Moore, Zach Braff, Alanis Morrissette, Dave Coulier, Bob Saget, Doug Gilmour, Toronto Maple Leafs, Mike Peluso, Ottawa Senators, Matt LeBlanc, Leslie Howe, Wild Hope, Scrubs, New York Post, National Enquirer

Come Monday, talk-show host and queen of polite ha-ha Ellen Degeneres has a line of greeting cards coming to a drugstore near you. In a partnership with American Greetings you’ll be able to purchase 32 cards carrying Degeneres’s unique brand of nervous chatterish insight.

“I look at having a line of cards as another extension of being a host; helping you wish your loved ones well, piggybacking on your birthday greetings,” the comedian said in a statement. “I like to be up in the middle of everything, and doing it this way is much easier than crashing parties.”

A sneak peak at some of the cards displays Ellen’s brand of with that made The Ellen Degeneres Show such a hit.

Anniversary - Roses are red violets are blue…well they’re actually more of a fuchsia don’t you think? Fuchsia, heh, that reminds me I promised to paint my grandma’s kitchen one time and she said ‘get fuchsia’ and I said I don’t know what that is and she said ‘it’s kind of like violet’ and I thought she said ‘violence’ so I got red.

Encouragement - I think you’re neat, so who cares what digit the UPS driver flashed after you cut him off. You know who should be cut off? Lindsay Lohan at an open bar. Am I too late with that one? Who cares my girlfriend is hot.

Flag Day - Hey it’s flag day, who knew there was such a thing? I’ll tell ya who - Flags.

Birthday - Birthdays are a really great time to reflect on who you are and what you’ve done with your life. That reminds me of a really great quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. I’ll be she had a lot of birthdays. But not much time to reflect being a first lady and all. Which makes you wonder when she had time to come up with such a great quote. Although there wasn’t Tivo back then so people had a lot more time to spare. You ever watch your Tivo too long then suddenly go outside and see a bird and think to yourself now was that an Oriole or a Robin? And then you go to rewind it but then you remember you can’t rewind real life? Ahhh, funny, funny stuff.

Ellen DeGeneres, American Greetings, greeting cards, Lindsay Lohan, Eleanor Roosevelt, Tivo

I don’t know who the hell Audrina Patridge is but according to the National Enquirer she is something of a bitch to her fans. Fans? Is that the correct term? I don’t know who or what she is so I don’t know if this was a fan or just some poor dumb guy.

Audrina Patridge and her nasty attitude!

Over at Hyde, we spotted Audrina Patridge from “The Hillsâ€? acting loud with a bunch of pals. We were none to impressed when a young man, who’d worked up enough courage to ask her to dance, was met with a stuck-up bitch-styled “Uh…Noâ€? after she looked at her friends and laughed. Mind your manners, Audrina.

A little internet research tells me that The Hills is another fine offering from MTV somehow related to Laguna Beach. I am a million years old and remember when MTV played music, so I have no idea what these shows are all about. But Audrina Patridge should know that being bitchy to fans will get you mentioned in the gossip pages, but if you don’t make sure that you’re famous first, you won’t get labeled a diva, just a jerk.

Audrina Patridge, The Hills, Laguna Beach, MTV, National Enquirer

Kanye West, musician, composer and film critic felt MTV was wrong in snubbing Mel Gibson’s violent Mayan drama Apocalypto at Sunday’s Movie Awards. The MTV Movie Awards, known for their cerebral wit, and subtle social commentary do beat closer to the pulse of the nation than a spectacle such as the Oscars.

“My favorite movie this year was ‘Apocalypto,’ and I love Mel Gibson,” said West. “Sometimes I feel a little like Mel Gibson.”

West went on to say that he does enjoy the occasional drunken, misogynistic, religious tyrants, but no more than the average guy.

Winners of the MTV Movie Awards included Best Movie - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, Best Kiss - Will Ferrell & Sacha Baron Cohen, “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” and a shout out to Ms. Cleo with the new category Best Summer Movie You Haven’t Seen Yet, which the Michael Bay directed Transformers won.

Having been around MTV for a few years, West should have known a two and a half hour blood fest without a word of English had no chance up against Pirate sequels and Borat. Get with the program Kanye.

Kanye West, MTV Movie Awards, Borat, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Mel Gibson, Apocalypto, Ms. Cleo, Michael Bay, Transformers

Maybe her love don’t cost a thing, but I’m guessing that Wal-Mart paid big bucks to have Jennifer Lopez play at the 2007 shareholders meeting. Now I am not a shareholder in Wal-Mart, but I don’t think I’d want my profits going to paying J. Lo to sing a few songs and do a few dances. And remember those commercials a while back, that had the Wal-Mart “Smile” logo dressed as Zorro and flying around the store, “slashing prices”? They should have had Marc Anthony dress up like that guy and run around the stage while J Lo. was singing. Why not? I haven’t seen him doing much lately besides escort her to various Hollywood events. What did he even do before he became Mr. J. Lo? Was he a singer? Did he have an album? Was he on TV? I don’t even remember. It’s all a blur, just like his Wikipedia picture.

Also performing were American Idol winner Jordin Sparks and “comedian,” Sinbad. I’m glad to see the former Different World actor is getting some work. If you want to help his career, apparently he is available for your next BBQ, bat mitzvah, or super sweet sixteen party.

I remember watching an HBO special of Sinbad’s once, but the only joke I can remember was about how hard it is to suck a McDonald’s milkshake through a straw. I’m guessing that Sinbad knows a little more about sucking these days, if he’s the emcee for the Wal-Mart shareholder’s meeting. AW, SNAP!

Jennifer Lopez, J. Lo, Wal-Mart, WalMart, Marc Anthony, Jordin Sparks, American Idol, Sinbad, HBO, My Super Sweet Sixteen, WalMart Shareholders Meeting

David Hyde Pierce quietly came out of the closet today, surprising absolutely no one, including my grandmother, The Girl With No Gaydar, and various members of Buddhist monasteries.

With no fanfare, an AP article on Pierce casually mentioned his partner, Brian Hargrove. Personally, I think that is the best way to come out … no big press conference, no press release, no “statements” read by agents or PR people. Because if you don’t make a big deal out of your sexuality, then generally, no one else will either.

Except, of course, trashy celebrity bloggers!!!!

David Hyde Pierce, Fraiser, Brian Hargrove, coming out, the girl with no gaydar

US Weekly is reporting that Natalie Portman and Andy Samberg are a couple. I personally find this adorable and can’t wait to see what sort of funny little cute babies they might have.

I can only hope that they fell in love during her hosting stint on Saturday Night Live, because how awesome would it be for them to tell their future children and grandchildren that this is what brought them together:

The only thing better would be if Natalie would change her name to Roy, so that they could show this video at their wedding:

PEACE!

Natalie Portman, Andy Samberg, Saturday Night Live, SNL, Roy Rules

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Perez Hilton is reporting that John Mayer and Jessica Simpson have broken up. Apparently John was the one to do the dumping …. but I wonder who will first to write a song about it? Will it be Mayer, (maybe a sequel to “Waiting for the World to Change” called “Waiting for My Ex-Girlfriend to Drunk Dial Me AGAIN?) or Jessica Simpson with another “hit” cover song, perhaps “I Will Survive” or “Piece of My Heart.”

John Mayer, Jessica Simpson, breakup, Waiting for the World to Change, Perez Hilton, I Will Survive, Piece of My Heart

Hey look, another irrelevant celebrity got arrested over the weekend. David Faustino, whose main claim to fame was as Bud Bundy on the FOX show Married with Children was arrested early Saturday for being drunk in public. The 33-year-old actor was taken into custody in New Smyrna Beach, Florida when he was minding his own business along with yelling profanities at his ex-wife in the middle of an intersection.

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When searched police also found a bag containing about a gram of weed in Faustino’s pocket. He was booked and released to be forgotten until the question “Who played Al Bundy’s son?” comes up during a game of Trivia Pursuit - 90’s Edition.

David Faustino, arrested, drunk, Al Bundy, Bud Bundy, FOX, Married with Children, New Smyrna Beach, Florida, pot

Punk Rock poster boy Pete Wentz proudly got his Mary-Kay on behind the scenes at People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People photo shoot. Dubbed “guyliner� by the Fall Out Boy bassist, thousands of sad Emo kids now know how to properly apply eyeliner.

Speaking from beyond the grave, Ramones founder Joey Ramone was visibly shaken at this outward display of douchery. “Man, I remember when it was all about the music. Granted we only knew three cords but it’s what we did with those cords that counted and I can tell you we didn’t put on makeup with them.�

“It’s Bollocks� post-mortemly added Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious. “We used to get that look by doing drugs all night and murdering our girlfriends, not by being the spokes model for Clinique. Although�, added Vicious “I wonder ‘hut would happen if you injected a whole tube of guyliner into your blood stream? Oh well, gotta check wit my sponsor if that’s kosher.�

Fall Out Boy, Sid Vicious, Joey Ramone, Pete Wentz, guyliner

After his botched handling of a snap that ended the Dallas Cowboy’s season, quarterback Tony Romo has been in a serious funk. The 27 year-old has tried everything from Zoloft to Jack Daniels to a Rosemary Mint Bath while listening to the soothing vocal styling of Jeffrey Osborne. However nothing has been able to lift his spirits until last Saturday night at his 27th birthday celebration in Dallas.

Apparently after sipping champagne from “c’mon everyone knows� girlfriend, Carrie Underwood, Romo was as giddy as spoiled bitch on My Super Sweet 16. Ghostbar in Dallas was the scene of the seen on display as 2005 American Idol winner did a shit job of squashing the couple rumors, but a great job of impersonating a champagne flute.

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Tony Romo, Jeffrey Osborne, Carrie Underwood, My Super Sweet 16, Dallas Cowboys, Ghostbar