Trashy Celebs

Aw, Mister Peepers just got married two months ago and he’s already being dumped. And you can’t say that his wife is just a gold digger, because I can’t imagine that he’s got all that much money. How well is The Best of Chris Kattan selling these days anyway?

And “New” Kid Donnie Wahlberg and his wife aren’t “Hanging Tough” anymore.

Wahlberg and wife Kim Fey gave us evidence of their communication problems when BOTH filed for divorce recently, citing the totally overused and completely cliche “irreconcilable differences,” (also an feature film starring a young Drew Barrymore as a girl who divorces her parents, but I digress). No one seems to have much to speculate on with this divorce anyway …. even the National Enquirer didn’t care enough to make up some crazy ass reason why they are splitting up. And if the Enquirer doesn’t give a damn, well then I don’t give a damn either.

Carrie Underwood: Tony Romo Still Calls Me

For a 25-year-old singer in the spotlight, Carrie Underwood has had her share of guy drama.

The American Idol winner opens up in Allure’s September issue about dating Dallas Cowboys player Tony Romo, Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford and a boyfriend who cheated on her in college.

“We were both small-town people doing very big things, and we relied on each other, dealing with fame,” she says of Romo. “I don’t know. The phone will ring and it’ll be him, and I’ll maybe not answer.”

Well, well, WELL. Tony is still calling his ex. I wonder what one Miss Jessica Simpson thinks of that. I wonder what HER FATHER thinks of that. Actually, I don’t really wonder, because I realized that I don’t really care all that much. Any why does Allure magazine care? Why is this even a part of an interview? Oh, who am I kidding, of course I care. I write a celebrity gossip blog, for goodness sake.

So apparently Tony calls up Carrie sometimes. I wonder if it’s drunk dialing? Because while I can see Carrie spilling the deets about the calls, I think she is classy enough to not mention that he is totally wasted and crying about how the Cowboys hate him for bringing Jessica to games causing them to lose or how Jessica’s dad is pressuring him to sign a record contract. I bet he cries a lot. He knows he is going to get his ass kicked every weekend this football season and he’s decided if he can just get Carrie back as his good luck charm, everything will be okay. And she won’t even answer the phone. So so sad.

In other news, I will NOT be betting on Dallas this season and I will encourage Amy not to pick Romo for her fantasy team. Just saying’.

Hello Cherished Readers! Your Trashy Talker Lori is in a bit of a foul mood today due to some stupid and annoying shit that you all don’t want to hear about. (Because in addition to being stupid and annoying it is also boring to anyone else but me.) So in an effort to try and cheer myself up a bit, I went out searching the internet far and wide for the most ridiculous, inane piece of celebrity news I could find. And I didn’t have to go far … a quick hop over to the National Enquirer gave me this gem:

JOHNNY DEPP’S BREAKFAST CLUB

JOHNNY DEPP was decked out in loads of Jack Sparrow-like bracelets and trinkets when he arrived at the Downtown L.A. eatery Pacific Dining Car at one in the morning on July 9.

He and his buddy got a little rowdy over their shared stack of pancakes, but the place was nearly empty – and no one seemed to mind.

I know that the National Enquirer really isn’t known for journalistic integrity or for printing stories that have been verified by, well, anyone. But I have to say that this one has to be true, byt the mere fact that it is completely and totally lame. Who gives a crap that Johnny Depp shared a stack of pancakes with a buddy, except maybe his nutritionist? Not me! Someone on the Enquirer staff showed up with a hangover and sent out a disinterested intern to get a story and that’s what he or she came back with. Johnny Depp eatin’ pancakes and yelling! And they didn’t even get us a picture? We don’t know what sort of syrup he prefers! Does he put butter between all the layers of pancakes or just on the top? Did he order bacon too? Did they cut the stack in half or did Johnny take the top three and his friend took the bottom three? There are a lot of facts missing here! Just like the Enquirer to skip out on all the relevant details.

It’s all over the internets! Everyone’s favorite giggling girl is apparently writing a tell-all book about her childhood and her marriage. OH BOY I CAN’T WAIT. EXCEPT I TOTALLY CAN.

Rachael Ray has already spilled all her cooking secrets, and now she’s ready to dish on her personal life in a new tell-all.

The book will touch upon her troubled childhood, past struggles with alcohol, and a bizarre sex life with husband John Cusimano.

Rachael has always kept a diary, so it’s easy for her to throw it all into a book.

She’s been shopping the idea around to several publishers. It sounds like the content of the book will be a major contrast to her bubbly TV personality we’ve all grown to know.

This is news? Does anybody care? I mean, if she is really doing this then she is just advances the end of her career in show business, because this is the desperate move has-beens do to make a last ditch effort at a comeback (or a paycheck.) Case in point: Christopher Ciccone.

And people watch Rach’s show for quick and easy recipes so they can cook a quick dinner and shut their ungrateful families the hell up. They read her magazine for the same reason, and do see on the last page what has-been celebrity is willing to send in a picture of their fridge. No one cares about Rach’s difficult childhood and we certainly don’t care about her “bizarre sex life” with her husband. Although maybe then we will finally find out what “EVOO” really means.

Oh those sassy ladies from The View! This morning, while Elizabeth and Sheri were interviewing Katy Perry (sure to be a won hit wonder), prior to her performing her one hit “I Kissed a Girl,” Whoopi Goldberg had a great idea! She would run onstage and kiss Perry! Just like the song! Whoopi, you are such a scamp!

I know the audience at the show whooped (heh) and hollered and hooted, but really, that was just boring. And pretty obvious as well. And besides, if I had MY choice of a member of The View panel to kiss, it would totally be Barbara Walters. Can I get a what what?

Continuing with additional Brady information, here’s another tidbit of information for you Brady-gossip hounds. Mrs. Brady told Christopher Knight not to marry Adrianne Curry. Big deal, Flo! I think everyone told Christopher Knight not to marry Adrianne Curry. I know I did! Of course I was talking to the television at the time, but that still counts.

Don’t do it, Peter!

Florence Henderson says that while her former TV son Christopher Knight has lived his life in front of the cameras the past few years, “reality [TV] is not for me.”

“It’s a double-edged sword,” Henderson said of shedding an iconic role. Henderson, 74, spoke to reporters on Tuesday at the Television Critics Association press tour in Los Angeles, where she was promoting her upcoming Hallmark Channel film Ladies of the House.

“It can be difficult to move on,” said the former Brady Brunch mom. “Christopher Knight is like my son and he was very involved with this person on The Surreal Life,” she says referring to model Adrianne Curry. “He asked me to counsel them – I am a certified hypnotherapist – but I didn’t really want to do reality TV.”

Henderson appeared on the couple’s VH1 show My Fair Brady, which she says seemed to steer the couple into an engagement. “They didn’t take my advice at all! And as you may have seen, they did get engaged and they did get married,” she says. “Maybe I will counsel the divorce.”

Aw, snap! Did Mrs. Brady really bring the snark like that. The old girl has still got it. I wonder how much snark she had to hold back during those years she did The Brady Bunch. I bet all the really good stuff went on backstage, or at the end of the day when Mrs. Brady and her best girlfriend, Mr. Brady got together for cosmopolitans and snarked on all the stupid shit they had to do all day. They probably gave each other pedicures and talked about how all those damn kids would end up milking the success of this lame show for years, writing books and appearing on reality shows and throwing up during radio interviews. Do bad we missed out on all that snark. Hey Mrs. Brady, if you’re readying this, we like your style! Come write a guest entry some day! We’ll even give you your own category if you want or you can practice your hypnotherapy skills on us.

But like you tried to warn Chris, we have to warn you: don’t marry Judge Judy. That lady gets bitchy. That is yet another reality show you don’t want any part of (even though it is awesome!)

Chris Kattan got married.

World says, “Who?”

Chris Kattan, Saturday Night Live, SNL, Mr. Peepers

Rapper P. Diddy has admitted to waxing his genitalia.

The musician, 38, claimed that it is important that men look after their bodies if they want to impress female lovers.

Speaking about his grooming regime, Diddy told the Daily Mail: “While I’m getting ready I like to relax with a drink - vodka and lemonade - and listen to some James Brown.

“Then I’ll have a manicure and pedicure - and yes, I wax as well. Men owe it to women to make sure they are well-groomed.”

He added: “I wax my privates. I also wear my fragrance, Unforgivable Black.”

I think I already used up my best joke in the title of this entry and honestly, I don’t want to think any more about P. Diddy’s privates to come up with another one. I don’t want to, but I will, because it is my job and I take my job very seriously! The business of discussing celebrity genital grooming habits isn’t just fun and games, people, this is serious business. You may think that the Trash Talkers just sit around cruising the internets and sipping vodka and lemonade champagne and making fun of celebrities who fall down, but this is a sweatshop, people. I only got three minutes for lunch today and only ate two saltines and a can of diet coke. AND THEN IT WAS BACK TO WORK. So stop taking us for granted people. We think about P. Diddy’s junk so that you don’t have to.

May 12, 2008 — YOU’D think Lindsay Lohan would be used to all the drama by now. But she was crying her eyes out the other night at the Crown Bar in West Hollywood, upset over a fight she had with her girlfriend Sam Ronson, who was deejaying. “They had a full-blown fight,” said our spy. “Evan Ross, Diana’s son, and Lauren Conrad comforted her while Lindsay kept wiping her tears.” Lohan, who has been accused of stealing clothes lately, just recorded a song in which the lyrics go: “You got a problem with it? If I want it, I get it now.”

What I dig about these crazy ass Lesbian Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson drama stories is that they are generally about the drama and not about the “Is she gay? Is she not gay?” aspect of the story. Because who gives a flyin’ flip who she’s sleeping with? We just want to hear about these meltdowns in nightclubs in West Hollywood (or New York or Los Angeles or Chicago or flipping Sioux Falls, SD [shout-out, KFK!]). Celebrities having a few too many drinks and picking fights with significant others. These are the stories that the internet was made for!

I do have to say though, that like most celebrity couples frequently mentioned in gossip tidbits involving late nights at bars, late night trips to Taco Bell, and late night car accidents or DUI incidents, these two as a couple creep me out a bit. There is a picture floating around that I refuse to reprint here where Samantha Ronson has a big gross ugly hickey on her neck, and of course everyone wants to know if Lindsay Lohan put it there. I just want to know why Lindsay Lohan (whether she is Ronson’s girlfriend or girlfriend) never taught her to put some ice and then some cover-up on that thing. Show some class, Ronson!

Lindsay Lohan, Samantha Ronson

So the chatter on the internets is that Tony Romo has gone free agent, leaving poor Jessica Simpsom, as the third-string quarterback of his heart. What does that mean? I’m not sure, other than the fact that someone needs to stick a fork in these two, ‘cause they are done.

I wonder the Dallas Cowboys or the NFL or heck, even the State of Texas required Romo to dump ole Jessica, since she brought all that embarrassment to the team after she caused them to lose the Super Bowl. Because we all know that had nothing to do with poor coaching or a quarterback who chokes under pressure or an opposing team that just played better. No, it’s all the fault of a second-rate singer/dumb-blond-playing reality star with an overbearing father. Jeez, State of Texas, suck it up. It’s just a football game.

Personally, I have to wonder if Simpson dumped Romo after hearing this:

If Scientology is really all flippin’ that and a bag of potato chips, if it really can cure depression just using vitamins and allow for silent childbirth, if it really is the it-religion of choice amongst all the cool kids in Hollywood, then why can’t it allow for Tom Cruise to grow a couple more inches so that he is at least as tall as wife Katie Holmes, if not a little smidge taller?

What is with Tom and the tall women? And why do I notice it in particular with Katie Holmes? I’m sure she is not as tall as Nicole Kidman but I don’t remember it being so jarring to me in pictures of Cruise and Kidman. Maybe because Kidman is closer to Cruise’s age. I mean Cruise and Holmes are no Billy Joel and Katie Lee Joel, but there is a not-insignificant age difference there and maybe I just find it jarring that she is so much younger, yet also taller than her husband. (That and I still find it a little creepy that he had her knocked up just three months into their relationship.)

So I guess we’ve found something that Scientology can’t do …. make Tom Cruise taller than his wives. Hey, I guess no religion popular with celebrities is perfect.

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Scientology

So, yeah, it must really suck to be the sibling of somebody famous. I mean in some cases they might give you jobs and stuff but in some cases they just leave you to ROT IN JAIL just because you made a little mistake and fired four shots at your live-in boyfriend at 4AM on morning.

WAHLBERGS’ SISTER STILL WAITING FOR BROTHERS TO BAIL HER OUT OF JAIL

The sister of Hollywood stars Mark and Donnie Wahlberg is in jail on gun charges after firing four shots at her boyfriend - and claims her wealthy siblings have ignored her pleas to help her make bail.

“I cry myself to sleep every night thinking, ‘How can my brothers let me rot here in jail?’” Florida waitress Michealle Wahlberg, 46, told The ENQUIRER in an exclusive interview.

“They’re millionaires who could free me in an instant, but all I’ve heard is silence.”

Michealle admits she beat a crack addiction nine years ago, but insists she was only drinking wine before she allegedly fired four bullets from a .45 Glock pistol at her live-in boyfriend, construction superintendent Lonnie Johnson, at 4 a.m. on April 13.

While she claims she never intended to hit Lonnie, a Melbourne, Fla., Police Department report obtained by The ENQUIRER tells a different story.

“The defendant intentionally and unlawfully threatened [Lonnie] by retrieving a handgun from the house… and pointed it at [him],” Officer Nicholas Faria wrote in the report.

I can’t believe the insensitivity of Donnie and Mark Wahlberg who won’t even bail their drunk-ass sister out of jail for shooting at her boyfriend four times. C’mon guys! She never meant for those bullets to hit him! And she is totally off the crack and just drinks wine now! What a couple of hard-asses.

I do think Sister Wahlberg is wrong about one thing though. There is no way Donnie Wahlberg has “millions of dollars,” because if he did there is no way he would be doing this punk-ass New Kids on the Block reunion tour. That sounds like his own personal jail to me. What do you want to bet that Marky Mark doesn’t return his calls either?

Sister Wahlberg should totally call up Billy Baldwin, Eric Roberts, and Rebbie Jackson. They could start their own support group or something: Siblings of Rich Ass Famous People Who Won’t Return Our Calls.

Mark Wahlberg, Donnie Wahlberg, New Kids on the Block

MARY-KATE OLSEN walked into the Chateau on March 29 like she was the queen of the world - smoking a cigarette and leading an entourage of Adonis-like men. Not a single hotel staffer said a word about her ciggie - despite the Chateau’s usually strict “No Smoking” policy.

Well I am just so freakin’ surprised! Aren’t you? I mean, the stunning revelation that celebrities frequently get special treatment. Shocking! Simply shocking. Celebrities that can ignore the rules and disregard the comfort and health of others? Celebrities that do whatever they want? Businesses that let celebrities get away with bullshit because they are just happy that said celebrities are patronizing their establishments? That are afraid to making celebrities follow the rules for fear of bad publicity (if the celebrities choose to pitch a hissy fit over it). NO! It can’t be.

Frankly, I am surprised that the National Enquirer is wasting space on this pretend non-story (or should it be non-pretend-story?). One I doubt that Mary Kate Olsen knew or cared that this was a non-smoking establishment and two, I doubt that the staff thought she would be there long enough for it to make a difference. And who knows, maybe she was throwing that Full House money around as tips or something.

Mary Kate Olsen

Remember A Different World that spinoff show from The Cosby Show that was supposedly a vehicle for Lisa Bonet even though she later got knocked up and kicked off the show? “Member?

‘Member?

Well do you remember Whitley, the annoying rich girl who verbally sparred with Denise (Lisa Bonet) and
eventually won the heart of and married Dwayne Wayne, the geek turned cool guy. ‘Member?

Remember how Whitley was played by actress Jasmine Guy, who went on to a successful recording career that I wasn’t even aware of until I was looking for those videos? ‘Member?

‘Member? ‘Member all that? No?

Well, she got divorced.

Jasmine Guy, A Different World, Lisa Bonet, The Cosby Show

I was just on my way here to tell you about how everyone’s favorite Not-Heather and celebrity shoplifter Winona Ryder is engaged to Blake Sennett, the guitarist for the band that everyone thinks is just a person, Rilo Kiley. From what I have read about this non-event, celebrity and gossip bloggers seem shocked that no one knew they are dating (let alone that they might be engaged.) I just say that it’s not so much that no one knows, but that no one really cares. Do they? I mean, I dig some of Ryder’s movies, but her career really tanked after the whole shoplifting debacle. And Rilo Kiley is a one of those hip, niche bands whose fans generally are people more likely to listen to NPR and watch Heroes than pay attention to celebrity gossip.

As far as I am concerned, the only interesting part of this is that Ryder and Sennett look like they could almost be the same person. Check out this picture borrowed from Perez Hilton:

Is it just me or does she seem surprised to be dating someone shorter than her rather than someone with white-guy dreads or someone with her name tattooed on his arm?

Whatever. It sure does seem like Winona likes her some rock and rollers though, doesn’t she? In the past she’s dated Dave Pirner (of Soul Asylum) and Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters.) And she has dated some actors with rock and roll-type attitudes, like Johnny Depp (of the famous “Winona Forever” tattoo) and Matt Damon (of the Jason Bourne things-go-kablooey movies). There’s a Primus joke in here somewhere, but I just can’t quite find it.