Trashy Celebs

Fresh off some tales that he’s engaged to his long-time finance Alexis, Kanye West reveals that he likes to spank it and loves the lord. “Can you love porn and be a good Christian? If you’re a normal person, you have needs,” says West. “I like porno, I ain’t going to hide the truth. I could stay in for a good two days with my stash.”

Wow, that my friends is dedication. But West surely can’t keep the porn going for two days straight. I mean you do need an Oprah break or another show or magazine to act as a sort of porn sorbet - Something to cleanse the palate if you may.

No, we’re not sure this revelation about Kanye West is news worthy material but there you are fans; now you know the truth - Kanye West is a typical guy.

Kanye West, Porn

The National Enquirer must have had some space to fill on its website lately, because they used up some bandwidth on this little nugget of nothingness:

Jennifer Love Hewitt is reportedly engaged! The Ghost Whisperer star plans to marry Scottish actor Ross McCall (Band of Brothers). The pair have been dating for almost two years.

Well I have to wonder why anyone is even reporting on this. (I’m sure it is in more places than just the Enquirer. I mean, I know there is lots of space to fill on the internets and with all that space sometimes (aw, hell all the time) random bits of nothing get posted as important bits of breaking news (and, c’mon, let’s face it, this website is a perfect example of that.) I mean, Mazel Tov to the happy couple and all, but I don’t think this is exactly news we are all waiting to hear, even those of us interested in celebrity gossip and celebrity weddings and what celebrity is currently moving in with (or filing a restraining order against) which other celebrity. I suppose there could be some Party of Five fans out there geeking out over this story, but they are clearly still stuck in the mid-1990s, so rather than reading the forums on Television Without Pity they are still writing emails from their Compuserv accounts (the ones with the long string of numbers as an email address) and uploading fan fiction via FTP to Gopher. Or there are Time of Your Life fans out there chatting about their favorite episodes on IRC. Those folks clearly aren’t surfing the web so they aren’t even privy to this juicy little big of Jennifer Love Hewitt news. (Hey, didn’t she date Carson Daly at some point.) And even if they are reading this, they are likely to get distracted by their beepers going off or by that funky awesome new dance, The Macarena.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, Party of Five, Time of Your Life, Compuserve, Television Without Pity, Macarena

Well that National Enquirer once again has the latest breaking news that you and your family need! to! know! Hang your butts off the edges of your seats and read this one!

Is David Beckham A NEAT FREAK?

Speaking of obsessive-compulsive, Posh admits that Soccer God hubby DAVID BECKHAM’s a neat-freak who just loves vacuuming their $22 million, 13,000-square-foot BevHills mansion – and he even (uh-oh!) organizes the food in their refrigerator by color. “David’s very tidy,” Posh told a reporter. “Even our fridge is color-coded. David does the vacuuming. He vacuums in straight lines…then if anyone walks on the carpet, he gets upset, so we have to walk on the other side.”

What the H-E- double hockey sticks prompted anyone to totally fabricate report on this bit of must-have news? This seems pretty mundane for a rag like the Enquirer. I mean, David Beckham vacuums the house? And likes to have things clean and organized? Simply shocking.
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So there is a word in the U.K. slang lexicon prat which basically means, “fool;” indeed it was originally slang for “buttocks” (i.e. what Heidi Montag is rubbing up against him in the picture below.) Would you like me to use prat in a sentence to make it more clear? Sure! Spencer Pratt is a prat for thinking anyone gives a good goddamn about his little “sex tape.” Does that clear things up?

From the National Enquirer:

Talk about art imitating life! On The Hills this season, the plot-line involves Spencer Pratt being accused of spreading rumors about an alleged sex tape of Lauren Conrad – but in real life, says an inside source, Spencer’s actually got a sex tape of his own that shows him and a few buddies exploring the, er… hills and valleys of some smokin’ hot Brazilian babes!

(Note to Spencer’s fiancee, Heidi Montag: The alleged Samba Land group grope was lensed way before you two became betrothed, but know this: My source says Spencer showed the tape to a Hollywood video editor and repeatedly asked him to spruce it up – saying he might secretly release it into the marketplace while claiming it was “stolen,” a la Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, etc. The editor nixed the sleazy project, Heidi, so hopefully your betrothed has given up the idea, but…it wouldn’t hurt to ask, right?)

I swear, whenever I hear something about The Hills I always have to go and look it up again to figure out what in the world it is all about. This, for once, is not the fault of the show or the celebrities “celebrities” involved but is actually because I am one thousand years old. For those of you in my age range, I can tell you that the The Hills is a MTV reality show that is a spin-off of another popular MTV reality show Laguna Beach. The Hills apparently documents the trials, tribulations, free clinic visits and shoe-shopping sprees of one Lauren “L.C.” Conrad. Pratt apparently has a place on the show because he is the boyfriend/fiance of Conrad’s roommate, Heidi Montag. Do you even care about these rich people and the show documenting their lives? And did Pratt the Prat get so caught up on having every single mudane moment of his life (brush teeth, wear socks, feed dog, buy milk, fuck
Brazilian hottie, visit dentist) that he ended up recording parts of his sex life as well? Sheesh, dude, sometimes you have to turn the camera off.

Spencer Pratt, The Hills, Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, Laguna Beach

Star magazine has something, um, juicy? No? Maybe, uh, dampish? In-need-of-some-basting-gossip? Or is it dry-as-an-overcooked-turkey gossip? You decide.

Rebecca De Mornay Busted For DUI
Risky Business star Rebecca De Mornay was arrested on Oct. 30 by Beverly Hills police. TMZ reports that the cops pulled over De Mornay for an unknown traffic violation and they “immediately detected an odor of alcoholic beverages.” De Mornay then failed several field sobriety tests, police say, and her blood alcohol level was .09. She was taken into custody, cited and released.

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So People magazine (among other sources) is reporting that Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen have been on not one but two dates this past week in New York City. They were first spotted in the Gramercy Hotel’s Rose Bar on Monday night and at the Waverly Inn resturant in the early hours of Wednesday morning. This fascinating story has been reported in both the New York Post and the Daily News.

Adding further proof to just how fast the tiny people inside the internet move to make updates to all the important sites, this information has already appeared on Armstrong’s entry on Who’s Dated Who? In case you are not familiar with this site, it is an invaluable resource when you are just can’t get enough celebrity couple gossip from Entertainment Tonight or the E! channel (or for when your cable is out and you are climbing the walls with withdrawal symptoms). For instance, if you go to Armstrong’s entry linked above, you find out that he also dated Tory Burch (who?), Sheryl Crow (his favorite mistake), Kristin Armstrong (his former wife), and Lisa Shiels (who is such a nobody that she doesn’t even have a picture.) The site allows you to vote on the celebrity’s “top romance” and even helpfully provides astrological signs (when available) and little codes designating if the relationship was “dating,” “marriage,” or an “encounter.” Right now Armstrong and Olsen are coded as an “encounter,” but who knows how that will change in the days and weeks to come.

All I can think regarding this story is that Ashley Olsen is such a tiny little slip of nothing and Lance Armstrong is such a big athlete type and I hope he doesn’t accidentally sit down on her in a limo and crush her into the leather seats. You’d never get that stain out!

But what the world really wants to know is “What will Uncle Jesse say?“

Well, it seems like all the talk about Tony Romo and Carrie Underwood is finally going to have to come to an end. Not only has Underwood moved on to a new boytoy, but it seems that Romo has found a new teammate as well. According to People magazine, Romo has been seen on a junior-high-school-like group date with Sophia Bush, star of One Tree Hill and former wife of Chad Michael Murray, the actor with three first names.

On Monday night, the pair were spotted dining together at the N9NE Steakhouse in Dallas, along with several of Romo’s teammates and their spouses and girlfriends.

“Tony and Sophia arrived at the restaurant together, just the two of them in the same car,” says a source. “They had drinks in the lounge and awaited the rest of their party to arrive.”

The pair sat next to each other the entire night while laughing and talking with their table full of pals.

“When they were leaving and chatting with friends and some staff at the bar, Tony was hugging Sophia from behind, and she put her arms around him as well,” adds the source.

On Tuesday afternoon, they arrived together at a party at Cowboys cornerback Terence Newman’s home in Dallas – at which guests previewed the video game Guitar Hero III for Xbox 360.

Bush didn’t play, says a source, but enjoyed watching Romo’s competitive streak in action: “She was laughing at him when he screwed up a little bit in the beginning. They had a good time. They seem cute together.”

First dinner with his friends and teammates and then a some Guitar Hero action? That sounds pretty serious. Amy and I didn’t play any videogames together (Mortal Kombat for the curious) until we had been dating for at least six months. And that hugging from behind thing? That’s a sweetly serious move. Either that, or the move of a man who is still pretending he is hugging a country singer and American Idol winner. Aw, poor broken-hearted Tony Romo. That’s almost as bad as blowing the NFC wildcard playoff game in January 2007. Carrie Underwood was there to pick up the pieces that time. I only hope Sophia Bush is as supportive!

Tony Romo, Sophia Bush, Carrie Underwood, Chad Michael Murray, Dallas Cowboys, Guitar Hero III

Well I know from our referral logs that we have some Carrie Underwood/Tony Romo fans out there, so I thought y’all might want to know the who? what? WHAT? about the status of their relationship. And if OK magazine is to be believed, the population of Dumpsville has increased by one. I hope Mr. Romo remembered to file a change of address form!

As for her semi-romance with Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo, she tells the upcoming issue of Seventeen magazine, “We’re very good friends, and I talk to him pretty much every day, whether it’s a text or whatever. But we were never, like, dating.”

But her friends tell OK! a different story. “I think Carrie broke up with the football player in July…”

Underwood is apparently dating Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford, an actor no one has ever heard of who is staring in a show that no one has ever heard of. Maybe that is exactly what Underwood needs, someone a little more low profile. She should be the famous one in the relationship! She is the American Idol, dammit!

And now, sources tell OK!, it seems that her prayers have come true, as she’s just sparked a very new romance with Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford, with whom the “Jesus Take the Wheel” singer was locking lips last Friday at NYC club Marquee. “They were canoodling all night and stayed until close,” one eyewitness reveals to OK!.

But Chase and Carrie’s whirlwind weekend in the Big Apple was just beginning. Saturday night, the pair enjoyed a romantic dinner at Mario Batali’s Del Posto restaurant and later a few drinks at Soho Grand, where, according an OK! spy, “they held court at their own private table, kissing and not leaving each other’s side,” all before ending up at celeb-fave Rose Bar in the Gramercy Park Hotel.

Granted, I am an old lady, but I have to point out that Crawford looks a little young in that picture. Like, “this is my first facial hair young.” I hope Underwood asked for some ID. But best of wishes to the happy couple. I’m sure it won’t be long before the media comes up with the cute couple nickname for the pair, although the best I could come up with was “Charrie.” Ugh.

Carrie Underwood, Tony Romo, Chase Crawford, Gossip Girl

Despite finishing in fifth place for losers (otherwise known as sixth place) on the fifth season of American Idol, Pickler’s music career hasn’t ended. She signed a record deal and has been touring, has performed at the legendary Grand Ole Opry and on the Country Music Awards. But she’s found another use for these public performances; not only are they good for connecting with fans and promoting her music, but for jealous, angry rages as well:

Kellie Pickler may have trouble with big-city cuisine, but the American Idol star knows how to handle a cheat. According to The Tennessean, the 21-year-old country singer told fans at a concert on October 1 that she and Nashville Predators player Jordin Tootoo were through. “Jordin knows what he did,” she said ominously.

At a September 22 show in Michigan, concertgoers say that Pickler announced that her new theme song is Carrie Underwood’s Before He Cheats, and then added that she hoped Tootoo’s teeth would be knocked out during a hockey game.

Despite her jokes, however, fans thought Pickler was in pain over the end of her 8-month-long relationship with Tootoo — she cried while singing Didn’t You Know How Much I Loved You.

Go girl! Call him out on stage! But why did she stop there? Why didn’t she tell the world that in addition to being a dirty cheater, he also has bad breath and a small penis? And plays hockey for a team that nobody has heard of and no one cares about and might get sold anyway? Why didn’t she announce that he wears women’s underwear under his uniform and that he cried his eyes out when they watched The Notebook? The woman is standing onstage with a captive audience and a microphone in her hand, and all she can come up with is that she hopes his teeth get knocked out?

I have to wonder though, when she was standing onstage venting about her cheatin’, hockey playin’, bad breath and small penis havin’ boyfriend, if she was contractually obligated to use a reference to another American Idol contestant and or his/her song. I mean, was it really that much of a coincidence that it was Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” that she mentioned? And the song is “Before” not “After He Cheats I’m Going to Get Onstage and Tell the World that He Has a Season Pass for The View on His Tivo.”

Fox is apparently developing a sitcom starring Pickler as a character based on herself, so she’ll have many more chances to publicly trash talk potential suitors, rude DMV employees, bad sushi chefs, and incompetent limo drivers in the future. Right on!

Kellie Pickler, American Idol, Nashville Predators, Jordin Tootoo, Carrie Underwood, Before He Cheats, The View

Poor, poor Katherine Heigl. She’s had a tough month. Not only did an announcer mispronounce her name during the Emmy Awards broadcast, but she has to wear invisible fancy braces AND she has to shop for a gosh-darn wedding dress. Life is rough for the actress who stars in Grey’s Anatomy AND who was named on of FHM’s “100 Sexiest Women in the World” not once but twice.

Why doesn’t she just get married in her Emmy dress and save some cash?

Katherine Heigl sure looks like she has a great smile but it turns out the picture perfect blonde wears Invisalign clear invisible braces! “I got them because of this wonky tooth. I was like, ‘OK, I can’t take it.’ It’s awesome because every two weeks you switch to a new retainer,” the Grey’s Anatomy star explains in the October issue of In Style. “Pretty much the perfect way to describe Invisalign is Netflix for your teeth.” Heigl also talked about finding a gown for her upcoming wedding to fiancé Josh Kelly. “My sister is getting married too, so we looked for dresses together. After about five stores I was like, ‘I’m done.’ Everyone says, ‘You just know when you put that dress on.’ My sister found the right dress just like that. So I know it can happen. But it’s grueling.”

The Emmy winner will have some help planning for her big day, she reveals. “I hired a planner. I want it to be fun. And I don’t want to freak out or stress.”

Katherine needs to look on the bright side. She’s best friends with a Power Gay, she’s about to marry a singer that no one is ever heard of, and she might even get named one of the 100 Sexiest Women in the World again.

And besides, I’m sure all the orchard workers, truck stop waitresses, and telephone customer service representatives have lots of sympathy for her grueling schedule of wedding dress shopping.

Katherine Heigl, Grey’s Anatomy, FHM, 100 Sexiest Women in the World

So it seems that 50 Cent has lost the much hyped yet still boring “sales battle” with rapper Kanye West. This week, West’s album Graduation sold 957,000 copies to 691,000 copes to 50 Cent’s Curtis.

Fifty, who is planning a world tour for his album, was conciliatory in defeat. In a statement to the AP, which didn’t address whether he planned to make good on his vow to retire, he said: “I am very excited to have participated in one of the biggest album release weeks in the last two years. Collectively, we have sold hundreds of thousands of units in our debut week. This marks a great moment for hip-hop music, one that will go down in history.”

I wouldn’t worry too much about Mr. Cent though, folks. Not only is he hanging out with superduo Justin Timberlake and Timbaland …
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US Magazine is reporting that Hayden Panettiere, star of the hit NBC series Heroes has split with her boyfriend of a year, Laguna Beach’s Stephen Colletti.

Hayden Panettiere is back on the market.

Us Weekly has learned the Heroes hottie, 18, and her boyfriend of one year, Laguna Beach alum Stephen Colletti, 21, have gone their separate ways.

But the actress (who spent the end of August promoting Heroes in Europe with costars Milo Ventimiglia and Adrian Pasdar) seems to have moved on. When Us asked, “Where’s Stephen?” at the MTV Video Music Awards on September 9, she furrowed her brow and replied, “I don’t know. In California?”

Maybe it’s because she had time to adjust to the relationship being over. As a source tells Us, “Their breakup has been a long time coming.” But that doesn’t mean the former sweethearts are feuding. Panettiere tells Us, “We are still very close friends and talk to each other frequently. We appreciate and support each other’s careers.”
(Colletti’s rep could not be reached for comment.)

I don’t know much about Ms. Panettiere or her show, so I don’t really have a comment here. I just wanted to make the lame-ass Enrique Iglesias reference in the title. Come on, people. It was either that or “Save the cheerleader’s relationship with reality-show douche, save the world.”

Hayden Panettiere, Stephen Colletti, Heroes, Laguna Beach, Enrique Iglesias, Save the cheerleader save the world

Amy: Okay, Britney is by no means fat, but WAY too chubby to be wearing that … outfit? Can you even call that an outfit?

Lori: It’s Britney, bitch! Why are you in your underwear? Did the rest of your wardrobe not show up?

Amy: I bet that bra is itchy. How to make a comeback. Wear your snowboots with your Brillo-pad inspired underwear!

Lori: Why is she lipsyncing? It’s just drawing attention to that big old cold sore.

Amy: What’s that stuff you buy for canker sores?

Lori: Kanka! Look, at least she hired back up dancers fatter than her. That one she’s grinding up on is as fat as I am and at least ten years older.

Amy: Here come the boys.

Lori: There’s a Justin Timberlake look-a-like and she just grabbed his junk. She’s subtle.

Amy: She is 14 US Weekly covers past “not so innocent.”

Lori: Someone spent rehab watching Her Madonna DVDs. It’s like the Human Nature video and the Vogue video had a baby.

Amy: And Cold Hearted Snake came over for a play date.
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Seriously, people! Here’s Grieco from his 21 Jump Street days:

Handsome fellow, wouldn’t you say? Except those eyebrows could use some work. But I guess that all those years of playing second fiddle to Johnny Depp have taken their toll, because here is Richard Grieco now:
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Why Adam Levine, you loverboy you! You are such a sensitive, feminist-type gentleman, with the breaking up with the girl because you fear she can’t enjoy sex. For her own good, right? You want her to learn to relax and enjoy herself, right?

Levine, lead singer of Maroon 5, had this to say in a Moscow newspaper, of all places (I know I turn to the Russian media for all my news on celebrity sex lives):

The former lover of tennis star Maria Sharapova, Maroon 5’s frontman Adam Levine, revealed yesterday why he broke off their brief romance.

“She wouldn’t make any noise during sex,” Levine said. “I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she’d be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it ‘ruined her concentration.’ It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there’s no such thing as the Easter Bunny.

Seriously, Adam? Antidepressants? You went on antidepressants because you found out your girlfriend of a few weeks was something of a cold fish? That’s some bullshit right there. Maybe the antidepressants were because you realized that maybe, just maybe, you weren’t doing anything to make her WANT to make any noise in bed? Ever consider that?

Douchebag. I think maybe Adam just has a small penis. (Maroon 5?) That line about the Easter Bunny makes me think that the whole thing was supposed to just be some dumb joke, but either way, that’s still a pretty douchey thing to say in print. And not a terribly good recommendation for the next woman who might hop into bed with you.

Adam Levine, Maroon 5, Maria Sharapova, celebrity sex lives