Trashy Celebs

If Scientology is really all flippin’ that and a bag of potato chips, if it really can cure depression just using vitamins and allow for silent childbirth, if it really is the it-religion of choice amongst all the cool kids in Hollywood, then why can’t it allow for Tom Cruise to grow a couple more inches so that he is at least as tall as wife Katie Holmes, if not a little smidge taller?

What is with Tom and the tall women? And why do I notice it in particular with Katie Holmes? I’m sure she is not as tall as Nicole Kidman but I don’t remember it being so jarring to me in pictures of Cruise and Kidman. Maybe because Kidman is closer to Cruise’s age. I mean Cruise and Holmes are no Billy Joel and Katie Lee Joel, but there is a not-insignificant age difference there and maybe I just find it jarring that she is so much younger, yet also taller than her husband. (That and I still find it a little creepy that he had her knocked up just three months into their relationship.)

So I guess we’ve found something that Scientology can’t do …. make Tom Cruise taller than his wives. Hey, I guess no religion popular with celebrities is perfect.

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Scientology

So, yeah, it must really suck to be the sibling of somebody famous. I mean in some cases they might give you jobs and stuff but in some cases they just leave you to ROT IN JAIL just because you made a little mistake and fired four shots at your live-in boyfriend at 4AM on morning.

WAHLBERGS’ SISTER STILL WAITING FOR BROTHERS TO BAIL HER OUT OF JAIL

The sister of Hollywood stars Mark and Donnie Wahlberg is in jail on gun charges after firing four shots at her boyfriend - and claims her wealthy siblings have ignored her pleas to help her make bail.

“I cry myself to sleep every night thinking, ‘How can my brothers let me rot here in jail?’” Florida waitress Michealle Wahlberg, 46, told The ENQUIRER in an exclusive interview.

“They’re millionaires who could free me in an instant, but all I’ve heard is silence.”

Michealle admits she beat a crack addiction nine years ago, but insists she was only drinking wine before she allegedly fired four bullets from a .45 Glock pistol at her live-in boyfriend, construction superintendent Lonnie Johnson, at 4 a.m. on April 13.

While she claims she never intended to hit Lonnie, a Melbourne, Fla., Police Department report obtained by The ENQUIRER tells a different story.

“The defendant intentionally and unlawfully threatened [Lonnie] by retrieving a handgun from the house… and pointed it at [him],” Officer Nicholas Faria wrote in the report.

I can’t believe the insensitivity of Donnie and Mark Wahlberg who won’t even bail their drunk-ass sister out of jail for shooting at her boyfriend four times. C’mon guys! She never meant for those bullets to hit him! And she is totally off the crack and just drinks wine now! What a couple of hard-asses.

I do think Sister Wahlberg is wrong about one thing though. There is no way Donnie Wahlberg has “millions of dollars,” because if he did there is no way he would be doing this punk-ass New Kids on the Block reunion tour. That sounds like his own personal jail to me. What do you want to bet that Marky Mark doesn’t return his calls either?

Sister Wahlberg should totally call up Billy Baldwin, Eric Roberts, and Rebbie Jackson. They could start their own support group or something: Siblings of Rich Ass Famous People Who Won’t Return Our Calls.

Mark Wahlberg, Donnie Wahlberg, New Kids on the Block

MARY-KATE OLSEN walked into the Chateau on March 29 like she was the queen of the world - smoking a cigarette and leading an entourage of Adonis-like men. Not a single hotel staffer said a word about her ciggie - despite the Chateau’s usually strict “No Smoking” policy.

Well I am just so freakin’ surprised! Aren’t you? I mean, the stunning revelation that celebrities frequently get special treatment. Shocking! Simply shocking. Celebrities that can ignore the rules and disregard the comfort and health of others? Celebrities that do whatever they want? Businesses that let celebrities get away with bullshit because they are just happy that said celebrities are patronizing their establishments? That are afraid to making celebrities follow the rules for fear of bad publicity (if the celebrities choose to pitch a hissy fit over it). NO! It can’t be.

Frankly, I am surprised that the National Enquirer is wasting space on this pretend non-story (or should it be non-pretend-story?). One I doubt that Mary Kate Olsen knew or cared that this was a non-smoking establishment and two, I doubt that the staff thought she would be there long enough for it to make a difference. And who knows, maybe she was throwing that Full House money around as tips or something.

Mary Kate Olsen

Remember A Different World that spinoff show from The Cosby Show that was supposedly a vehicle for Lisa Bonet even though she later got knocked up and kicked off the show? “Member?

‘Member?

Well do you remember Whitley, the annoying rich girl who verbally sparred with Denise (Lisa Bonet) and
eventually won the heart of and married Dwayne Wayne, the geek turned cool guy. ‘Member?

Remember how Whitley was played by actress Jasmine Guy, who went on to a successful recording career that I wasn’t even aware of until I was looking for those videos? ‘Member?

‘Member? ‘Member all that? No?

Well, she got divorced.

Jasmine Guy, A Different World, Lisa Bonet, The Cosby Show

I was just on my way here to tell you about how everyone’s favorite Not-Heather and celebrity shoplifter Winona Ryder is engaged to Blake Sennett, the guitarist for the band that everyone thinks is just a person, Rilo Kiley. From what I have read about this non-event, celebrity and gossip bloggers seem shocked that no one knew they are dating (let alone that they might be engaged.) I just say that it’s not so much that no one knows, but that no one really cares. Do they? I mean, I dig some of Ryder’s movies, but her career really tanked after the whole shoplifting debacle. And Rilo Kiley is a one of those hip, niche bands whose fans generally are people more likely to listen to NPR and watch Heroes than pay attention to celebrity gossip.

As far as I am concerned, the only interesting part of this is that Ryder and Sennett look like they could almost be the same person. Check out this picture borrowed from Perez Hilton:

Is it just me or does she seem surprised to be dating someone shorter than her rather than someone with white-guy dreads or someone with her name tattooed on his arm?

Whatever. It sure does seem like Winona likes her some rock and rollers though, doesn’t she? In the past she’s dated Dave Pirner (of Soul Asylum) and Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters.) And she has dated some actors with rock and roll-type attitudes, like Johnny Depp (of the famous “Winona Forever” tattoo) and Matt Damon (of the Jason Bourne things-go-kablooey movies). There’s a Primus joke in here somewhere, but I just can’t quite find it.

YAWN! I’m sleepy! So sleepy and bored and groggy! Maybe some caffeine will help! Maybe I should get a soda or a cup of coffee! Maybe some sugar! Or wait — I have an idea. Let’s hop on the internet and find something really scandalous. That will get my blood pumping.

Paris Hilton and actress Elisha Cuthbert were “all over each other and making out” at New York’s Tenjune club Tuesday night, a source tells Usmagazine.com.

“Who knew?” says the source of the unlikely pairing.

Hilton, 26, and Cuthbert, 25, didn’t arrive at Tenjune together. Hilton was there for a birthday party and was seen dancing on banquets. “It’s Paris,” says the source. “She loves putting on a show.”

Earlier in the evening, Hilton attended the BlackBerry Pink Pearl Launch Party. “She was actually super well behaved and even took the time to take some photos with the BlackBerry executives,” an attendee told Us.

Hilton and Cuthbert costarred in 2005’s House of Wax

YAWN YAWN YAWN. Still bored, still sleppy. Really, US Magazine is anybody really surprised or does anyone really care what Paris Hilton does anymore? I mean, I am sure there are fans who want to know when she’s in a new movie or making an appearance somewhere or what have you, but do people really give a damn who she is sleeping with or making out with or smoking pot with? After her legal troubles and her prison term were shoved down our throats seven days and week 24 hours a day on everything from TMZ to Perez Hilton to CNN to MSNBC, do we really need any more information about her behavior (be it good, bad, or indifferent?)

I do find it terribly amusing, however, how US Magazine calls this an “unlikely pairing.” Seriously people, is this really all that unlikely? I’m not surprised by anything Paris Hilton does anymore. Plus, look at that picture above of Elisha Cuthbert. She is just a more-scrubbed version of Paris Hilton! And since it seems that the person Paris Hilton loves most in the world is herself, well then it’s really no surprise that she might find the closest thing she can to herself to make out with. (Remember, she was engaged or dating some dude named “Paris.” Proves my point!)

Paris Hilton, Elisha Cuthbert

He’s young, he’s talented, he’s one of the hottest celebrities out there, and even lesbians want to make out with him. And, you might note, he’s not married. Or even engaged. So why are Star Magazine readers all up in his business then?

Star Exclusive: Justin Timberlake Caught Kissing Kate Hudson! Star Readers To Justin: You Cheated!
When Jessica Biel is away, Justin Timberlake will play!

And that’s exactly what he did on Jan. 11 when he was caught kissing Kate Hudson at Hollywood club Villa.

Meanwhile, Jessica — whom Justin has been dating for much of the past year — was on the other side of the world in London filming a new movie.

“They seemed to be so into each other. Kate was batting her eyelashes, laughing hard and touching her mouth a lot — all the usual come-ons,” an eyewitness tells Star.

But as the party began to wind down, Justin and Kate heated up! Although reps for both deny the hookup, the eyewitness says Justin went in to kiss Kate — and it was some liplock!

So did Justin cheat on Jessica? Considering 95% of Star readers polled said they feel a lip-locking kiss is cheating, we’d say yes!

Aw, really, who cares who Justin Timberlake is kissing these days? I sure don’t. All I care about is that he keeps coming up with sweet dance tunes like “SexyBack” and “What Goes Around Comes Around” for my iPod and keeps looking pretty, and occasionaly shows up to make a fool out of himself on Saturday Night Live.

Besides, everyone knows that it ain’t going to last with Jessica Biel. Shoot, even Jessica Biel knows that. She’s just not enough of a celebrity for him, just like Cameron Diaz. The only way a relationship of Justin Timberlake’s is going to work out is if he dates someone as famous as or more famous than he is …. like Britney Spears before she lost her goddamn mind. He probably could have made it work with Christina Aguilera, but he missed his chance on that one. Kate Hudson isn’t famous enough either, so she probably won’t get much past kissing him in a club. Even Janet Jackson gave it a shot, but she only ended up showing her boob to the world, while he walked away with free Super Bowl tickets. The way things are going now, the only female celebrity that seems famous and powerful enough to date Justin Timberlake is Oprah herself. Watch out Stedman!

Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel, Kate Hudson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Christina Aguilera, Janet Jackson, Oprah

Here at Trashy Celebs we love us some awards ceremonies. We get to make fun of the dresses, the awkward acceptance speeches and hope beyond hope that a gay red carpet host will grab someone’s boobies. But this year all the fun was sucked from our favorite snark sport as NBC broadcast the Golden Globes press conference.

Press Conference? Really? It’s kind of like the actual Golden Globes award ceremony was caught smoking and was sent to the principle’s office and its punishment is to have Billy Bush and Nancy O’Dell (who?) read off the list of winners.

Actually the only interesting part came when Nancy O’Dell betch slapped the producers of the show for randomly showing a clip of a 23 year-old dripping wet Angelina Jolie frolicking in a pool with an Access Hollywood producer. She basically said that the reason it’s being shown is because her producers are sexist pigs. Well maybe, but it’s a clip of Angelina Jolie in a pool wearing a see-through dress. Hello! Who wouldn’t want to see that? It’s a nice trip down memory lane when Angelina Jolie was insane and not a slightly hotter Mother Teresa.

Speaking of crazy, another thing we really miss about the globes is the fact that everyone in the audience is drinking during the whole thing. I myself had a bottle of wine before watching the press conference but it just didn’t make up for the fact that I couldn’t sit in my living room and watch famous people get stinking on national television.

Dear Writer’s strike. Please, please, please end before the Oscars. Bruce Vilanch needs a paycheck and I need to be entertained by Kathy Griffin, Ryan Seacrest or whoever E! plops on the red carpet arrival ceremony. It’s just not a new year without that.

Kathy Griffin, Ryan Seacrest, Angelina Jolie, Bruce Vilanch, Golden Globes, Billy Bush, Nancy O’Dell, Mother Teresa

Y’all, Gary Coleman is selling clothes from the Gap. No, I don’t mean he is their new spokesperson or in any of those commercials where people dance around. And he’s not posing in ads in magazines or on billboards. No, no, I don’t mean that he is actually working at the Gap selling t-shirts and fleeces and sweaters and khakis. What I mean is that Gary Coleman, former child star, is selling his own Gap khakis on ebay for fun and profit.

Well I’m sure it’s for profit but judging from that picture, I don’t think Coleman is having that much fun. He looks like he’s being photographed before being sent off to his cell in a minimum security prison. Or maybe a photo for his ID at his new job as a cook in a community college cafeteria. Sheesh, Gary, I’m sure selling your pants (or at least a pair of pants that you wore for 30 seconds while this picture was taken) is humiliating, but if you want people to bid, you gotta smile a little and at least act like you are having fun. Maybe through in a “Whatchoo biddin’ on, Willis?” for good measure.

Here’s the text of the ebay ad, which you can see in full (or make your bid) here.

Here are a pair of Gap Athletic Pants that Gary Coleman wore. He signed the back pocket. The material is 100% Polyester. The color is Khaki, with blue, green, and white stripes down the Sides. The pants are from Gap Kids the Size is XL 12 Regular. This pair would be perfect for any child who loves gary or for anyone who loves his memorabilia. Here is a great gift to have. I also have more memorabilia so please check into my Site often. Thanks for Visiting and good Luck to all who bid thanks!!!

Yeah, that “Pants that Gary Coleman wore” really makes me think that these pants aren’t actually Gary Coleman’s, but are some pants belonging to the son of Coleman’s dealer or something, and Gary owes him some money and doesn’t have any cash, so the dealer made him wear and autograph his son’s pants so he could sell them. And who loses here? Not Coleman, who should have a little more dignity, and not the weirdos who are bidding on this crap (seriously, what is anyone going to do with a pair of pants signed by Gary Coleman.) The real loser here is that kid who had to give up his pants because his dad (or mom or uncle or cousin) is Gary Coleman’s dealer and wants his money.

Gary Coleman, Diff’rent Strokes, ebay, the Gap

I hope Kate Middleton isn’t reading this, or her Christmas surprise will be ruined. The Sun apparently has an inside track on what Prince William purchased for his girlfriend for Christmas, and, of course, has decided that it is inadequate.

CHEEKY Prince William has bought girlfriend Kate Middleton a pair of FAKE diamond earrings for Christmas.

Mega-rich Wills picked up the bling during a last-minute shopping trip.

The future king — helped by a female friend, a personal shopper and his protection officers — spent more than an hour at Selfridges on London’s Oxford Street.

Wills, 25, snubbed posher jewellery and opted for the white gold earrings with cubic zirconia stones by British designer Dinny Hall.

If they had been set with real diamonds the earrings would have cost more than £10,000. But Wills’s gift set him back just £410.

A Selfridges source said: “William walked round with a female friend and looked at lots of earrings for Kate.

“But whenever he picked out something, his friend would say, ‘No, William - I don’t think so’.

“Like any other bloke, he didn’t seem to know what he wanted and spent time at lots of different counters.”

Less than an hour earlier Wills had said goodbye to Kate, 25, as she flew with her family to Barbados for Christmas.

But she is due home on Thursday and is expected to spend New Year with Wills.

I’m not sure what about this purchase makes Prince William ALLCAPSCHEEKY but then again, I am not British. And you just know that if the Prince had dropped a cool $10K on a gift for his girl, then The Sun would have been all up in his grill about how he throws his money around frivolously. The boy can’t win.

Or maybe I just don’t understand because I’m not a girl who likes fancy jewelry. I’ve been wearing the same silver hoop earrings for over five years. Give me books or electronics or a Home Depot gift card and I’m happy. (See previous entry re: buying a house.) And according to the article, Prince William spent over an hour picking the gift and had a friend along to make sure he got it right …. and I’m sure that Kate will appreciate that more than anything.

Or just maybe, along with those earrings, he’s going to give her a Wii, an iPod, a Macbook Pro, and a private island. Those earrings may just be a stocking stuffer, you know?

Prince William, Kate Middleton

source

Page Six must have run out of interesting gossip (or maybe was looking for any story not involving the word Spears) because they are reporting that Lord of the Rings dreamboat and current ugly-mustache sporter Orlando Bloom has annoyed his Hollywood Hills neighbors by — and sit down, because this is simply shocking — painting his house, his very own house, purchased with his very own money — black. Black, people! Oh the horrors. Sheesh.

Now I just purchased a house myself, so maybe I am a bit more sensitive to the issue, but if one of my nosy neighbors tried to tell me what color I can or can’t paint it, I’d tell them to pound sand. Fortunately, my new house is brick, so that isn’t an issue. (And if any of my new neighbors are reading this, please know that I am all talk and no action.) But to my knowledge, Scarlett Johansson and Charlize Theron (two of Bloom’s allegedly annoyed neighbors) are not among my neighbors, so maybe that makes all the difference.

Orlando Bloom, Scarlett Johansson, Charlize Theron

I kinda hope my mom isn’t reading this one.

HOW DOES JULIETTE LEWIS FEEL ABOUT BRAD PITT?

After playing a rockin’ set with her band at club Chop Suey in Seattle, sexpot actress/singer JULIETTE LEWIS – who was hot ’n’ heavy with hunky BRAD PITT back in the Stoned Age – was mingling at the bar when a wiseguy fan blurted: “Hey, Juliette, how was Brad Pitt in the sack, anyway?” Stunned for a second, she flashed a mischievous grin and purred: “He was no…BIG deal, if ya know what I mean!” As Juliette turned to head back on stage, the guy yelled: “Are you saying Brad was the PITTS?” Juliette started laughing so hysterically she banged into a table and sent everyone’s drinks flying – but quickly ordered a round on her and hopped back onstage, still giggling.

Even though I do think Juliette Lewis is a little bit batshit crazy, I don’t really think this is true, at least not as it was written above, and not just because I read it in the National Enquirer. I mostly think it is not true because that dialogue sounds like it was written by someone in my sophomore year playwriting class, and let me tell you, no one in that class (including me) was going to write the next Angels in America or Waiting for Godot. (I personally tried to write a play based on a Stephen King story that involved people disappearing into thin air, and I payed absolutely no attention to how one would manage the stage direction on something like that. Trap doors?) But I digress. The puns in that story are absolutely horrible, as bad as he one I used in the title of this entry, and I don’t believe that real people actually speak that way, especially drunk people frequenting loud bars where Juliette Lewis’ band is playing. Does her band even have a name? (Wikipediatells me that her band is called Juliette and the Licks. Well, of course it is. Sheesh.)

Other reasons this story is bullshit? One, I think Juliette Lewis has too many other things going on in her crazy mind to still be thinking about her long-ago ex-boyfriend’s penis. Also, her public persona makes her seem so nuttified that I somehow doubt she even remembers dating Brad Pitt at all, let alone if he was, uh, wang-challenged. But if this is true, and she did say this, and he does have a small weiner, I sure do hope that Juliette and the Licks totally write a song about it. Or maybe a screenplay, where people (and weiners) totally disappear for no reason.

Juliette Lewis, Brad Pitt, National Enquirer

According to the article on JAM! Showbiz, Johnny Depp likes to keep his private life private. That’s not too surprising …. I think we all knew that about him AND agree with him. I like to keep my private life private. My cats like to keep their private life private (except when they are licking themselves in their special areas in the middle of a dinner party.) Yeck, everone keeps their private life private …. except maybe Britney Spears.

But Depp takes it a step further. He doesn’t care about other people’s private lives. That is just madness! This is what he said about it:

“I don’t want to be a product,” he says. “Of course you want the movies to do well. But I don’t want to know … who’s hot now and who’s not and who’s making this much dough and who’s boffing this woman or that one. I want to remain ignorant of all this. I want to be totally outside and far away from all of it.”

Come on!! Everyone likes to get up in someone else’s business every now and then. Everyone is at least curious about a celebrity’s love life or family like or what is in his or her friggin’ refrigerator. Everyone at least reads the headlines on tabloids while standing in line at the grocery store to pay for milk and frozen pizza. Yes, I bet even Johnny Depp does that, whether he admits it or not.

But I guess if Johnny Depp isn’t here reading this and since he has no plans to come here and read this, then we can talk about him without him knowing. So I bet Johnny Depp has really bad morning breath. I bet he sometimes annoys his girlfriend by eating cookies in bed and brushing the crumbs onto her side. I bet he doesn’t clean the hair out of the drain trap after he takes a shower. I bet he flips away from whatever show they are watching and doesn’t turn back before the commercial is over. I bet he leaves half full coffee cups all over the house. I bet he leaves the toilet seat up. And I bet he watches Entertainment Tonight all the time.

Johnny Depp, celebrity gossip, tabloids

Fresh off some tales that he’s engaged to his long-time finance Alexis, Kanye West reveals that he likes to spank it and loves the lord. “Can you love porn and be a good Christian? If you’re a normal person, you have needs,” says West. “I like porno, I ain’t going to hide the truth. I could stay in for a good two days with my stash.”

Wow, that my friends is dedication. But West surely can’t keep the porn going for two days straight. I mean you do need an Oprah break or another show or magazine to act as a sort of porn sorbet - Something to cleanse the palate if you may.

No, we’re not sure this revelation about Kanye West is news worthy material but there you are fans; now you know the truth - Kanye West is a typical guy.

Kanye West, Porn

The National Enquirer must have had some space to fill on its website lately, because they used up some bandwidth on this little nugget of nothingness:

Jennifer Love Hewitt is reportedly engaged! The Ghost Whisperer star plans to marry Scottish actor Ross McCall (Band of Brothers). The pair have been dating for almost two years.

Well I have to wonder why anyone is even reporting on this. (I’m sure it is in more places than just the Enquirer. I mean, I know there is lots of space to fill on the internets and with all that space sometimes (aw, hell all the time) random bits of nothing get posted as important bits of breaking news (and, c’mon, let’s face it, this website is a perfect example of that.) I mean, Mazel Tov to the happy couple and all, but I don’t think this is exactly news we are all waiting to hear, even those of us interested in celebrity gossip and celebrity weddings and what celebrity is currently moving in with (or filing a restraining order against) which other celebrity. I suppose there could be some Party of Five fans out there geeking out over this story, but they are clearly still stuck in the mid-1990s, so rather than reading the forums on Television Without Pity they are still writing emails from their Compuserv accounts (the ones with the long string of numbers as an email address) and uploading fan fiction via FTP to Gopher. Or there are Time of Your Life fans out there chatting about their favorite episodes on IRC. Those folks clearly aren’t surfing the web so they aren’t even privy to this juicy little big of Jennifer Love Hewitt news. (Hey, didn’t she date Carson Daly at some point.) And even if they are reading this, they are likely to get distracted by their beepers going off or by that funky awesome new dance, The Macarena.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, Party of Five, Time of Your Life, Compuserve, Television Without Pity, Macarena