Trashy Celebs

Oh good lord, who didn’t see this one coming? The New York Post is reporting that Amy Fisher is hitting the pole. If you weren’t paying much attention to anything in 1992, Amy is also known as the “Long Island Lolita” who went to prison for shooting her gross auto mechanic boyfriend’s wife, Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the head.

Capitalizing on her slutastic self, Amy has recently started a porn Web site featuring her 34 year old lady lumps, and- plans to tour the country as a high-paid stripper. Sez Amy, “I love to dance, and I’m an exhibitionist. I am going to take this road until my fans tell me, ‘Dear, please put your clothes back on. You’re too old.’ ”

Uh, I think everyone is saying that right now. When I first heard about this, I thought about all those awesome made for TV movies that came out around the time of the trial. It seemed every network and not just FOX felt the need to create a dramatic reenactment of these Long Island Hoosier’s stories.

I don’t think I watched one all the way through since I was too busy fermenting fruit in grain alcohol and Hawiian Punch in my dorm room at the time, but I do remember Saturday Night Live doing an awesome parody of the whole thing. Throughout the show, SNL showed how different networks would depict the story. I remember one had Tori Spelling as Amy Fisher with Danny Devito as Joey Buttafuoco. But the very best one of the night was B.E.T’s version called Amy Fisher: One Messed up Bitch. Check it below, Chris Rock makes and awesome Mary Jo (I have no idea why whoever posted this on you tube felt the need to tack on a Knots Landing ad but whatevs). btw, I couldn’t embed, so click the image to see it.

I quit watching Heroes after the first season, so I had totally forgotten about this couple, but I was reminded today when I found out the crushing news that they had split up. Unusually named Heroes stars Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia broke up due to “lifestyle differences,” according to US Magazine. Lifestyle differences? What does that mean? He likes Radiohead and she likes Coldplay? He drinks Coke and she likes Pepsi? Starbucks vs. Dunkin Donuts? Seriously? Lifestyle difference?

US Magazine gave a little more information about what this means, basically that Hayden is young and likes to go out and party hardy while Milo is an old man and likes to stay at home with his Netflix queue. Considering that Hayden was seen making out with Disney star Jesse McCartney and Milo has not been seen making out with Jesse McCartney, I guess there is indeed a lifestyle difference there. Personally, I think Hayden and Milo just had too many fights over which one is prettier.

Does Kenny Chesney have a new album or a book or a movie of the week coming out soon? What is he promoting right now? Because I can’t figure out why in the world he would be dragging out the story of his four month marriage to Renee “Squinty-Face” Zellweger four years after it fell apart. No one gives a damn anymore! I bet Renee has even forgotten they were every married!

In a pre-Valentine’s Day story on Access Hollywood Chesney talked about his brief marriage to Zellweger, claiming the split was because he couldn’t commit to both marriage and music. He also wants us ALL TO KNOW that reason “fraud” was cited for their annulment, IS ABSOLUTELY NOT BECAUSE HE IS GAY and that pisses him off and he has had “hundreds” of girls. HUNDREDS! More than A-Rod, even! And I just have to say that citing “fraud” for the reason for an annulment didn’t make me thing he might be gay, but when he claimed he’s had hundreds of girls, well THAT made me wonder.

So I do spend a lot of time of time on the internets, but I guess since I have been focused a little more on the inauguration of a new president and the economic crisis and the wicked awesome 60% off sale going on at Eddie Bauer I totally missed the truly important news …. apparently, according to some, Jessica Simpson has gotten fat? Say what? I hadn’t noticed. Probably because it really isn’t all that true. I mean, Jessica may have put on a few pounds (in our house, we call that “relationship ass”) but it’s not like she’s destined for the Brookhaven Obesity Clinic or anything. Check out this picture from the 99.9 Kiss Country 24th Annual Chili Cookoff:

So I can list about ten crimes against tasteful fashion in that picture (what the HELL is up with that belt) but I certainly wouldn’t call Simpson fat or suggest that her fans are “shocked” the way Good Old Reliable Fox News has. (Or as I like to call them, GORF.) But as much as Fox News likes to whip us all into a frenzy over snowstorms, the possibility of terrorism, the struggling economy, and the weight of pop stars with middling talent, none of that is as offensive as the cartoon the New York Daily Post ran recently:

I mean, come on. That is totally unnecessary, totally unfair, and totally mean. Sure, we all thought it was funny when Dallas Cowboy fans blamed her every time Tony Romo miffed a game winning pass or something, but this WAY crosses the line. I don’t think Jessica Simpson is fat, nor do I really give a damn one way or the other. But I do have to say, the shoes from her clothing line? Hid. e. ous.

For some reason, this counts as exciting news on the Fox News website. Fall Out Boy’s bassist and husband, baby daddy, and weird-baby-name-chooser Pete Wentz mentioned in an interview with Blender magazine that he “pops Ambien like Skittles” and that he can take three Xanax without even feeling it. Sorry, Pete, Amy Winehouse is totally not impressed.

Sure, Mr. Ashlee Simpson is tired and isn’t getting much sleep. He’s a new father! People with babies don’t get sleep! I have several friends with babies and they aren’t getting any sleep! I don’t know why Pete thinks he should be able to pop some Ambien or Xanax and sleep through the night. I’m sure Ashlee is up with little Bronx most nights, so Pete should be taking his turn too. And what sort of rock star can’t pop a few pills here and there “without feeling it.” C’mon, Pete, you’re going to have to do better than that to impress me.

My friends and I play a game called “Death is Not an Option” that many of you might be familiar with. In case you aren’t, the game is played when one friend suggests to the rest of the group two individuals and/or situations … usually two that the general public would not find desirable. Then you force your friends to chose … usually the choice is between sleeping with two completely undesirable people, but I suppose you could play with two yuck situations like “eating mud” or “drinking gutter water,” but where is the fun in that?

But whatever or however you choose to play the game, you can’t tell me that you didn’t think of it when you read that to Courtney Cox, divorce is not an option. Apparently she has had some rough moments in her relationship (which happens to everyone) and unlike 50% of the married population, they are working on staying together. And to that, I say, well done! (Although I do have to wonder if that has Jennifer Aniston feeling even worse about losing her husband to Angelina Jolie.)

But that just leads to a new game to play with your friends, maybe a slightly (very slight) more mature version of “Death is Not an Option.” Instead of presenting your friends with two completely undesirable and unsexy choices of individuals (primarily celebrities or public figures) and making them choice who to have sex with, instead, give them two choices of celebrities or public figures who are completely undesirable and make them decide who to stay married to … in sickness and in health, breakfast together, grocery shopping together, and growing old together. Hey, I think there is a Fox reality show in there somewhere.

The former Mr. Britney Spears is continuing to get over America’s Favorite Trainwreck by hooking up with a new girlfriend, professional beach volleyball player Victoria Prince. The two met in a very clean-cut and all-American way … on their bowling team! Yes, that is real bowling, not Wii bowling. Apparently Mr. Federline has a bowling team (and presumably, a “bowling night”) called the “Party Animals!” How quaint! It sounds like a bowling team name my friends and I would choose …. if we were still in high school. Make that junior high school. But hey, if Federline wants to channel Grease 2 who am I to argue with him?

But I digress. FedEx met himself a new Pink Lady while bowling and now they are in looooooove. But apparently Federline enjoys himself the blond, troubled ladies, however, because Ms. Prince has a Past, or, to be more direct about it, a Criminal Record. Oh noes! She looks like a nice, athletic girl:

Apparently, girlfriend has a temper. Within the past year she has been arrested for assault and disturbing the peace (and I don’t think the assault charge was from a particularly brutal volleyball spike) and in high school was such a “mean girl” that other kids’ parents attempted to obtain a restraining order against her. Damn! I knew some bitches in high school, but nothing like that. I really, really want to know what she did!

So anyway, yes, by the time I hit “publish” on this post I am sure this relationship will be over, but I am glad that The Fed has found himself a little bit of fun and yet another reason to Google himself. And hey, maybe when she leaves him she will steal that double chin of his as well!

So Saturday Night Live is under fire again for one of its jokes …. this past weekend, during the “Weekend Update” segment, the show poked some fun at New York Governor David Paterson, and yes, part of that was some rather unoriginal jokes about him being blind. In case you had better things to do on Saturday night, here is a clip of the segment in question.

Okay, so lots of people have a problem with that, and I respect that. I am not blind and I don’t know anyone who is blind, so maybe I can’t really understand how that might make someone feel. And I personally, if someone is going to make fun of me for some aspect of who I am that I can’t change, then I would at least expect something more original than me holding a chart upside down or not knowing which way to face the camera? That is not even funny, SNL. And I notice that the segment really takes a lot of shots at New Jersey. (Again, not terribly original.) Also, it seems like they are taking more shots at Paterson having admitted to cheating on his wife, using cocaine, and being unprepared to take the office of governor.

I guess when it comes down to it, I figure that if it is okay (and necessary) for me to make fun of Saturday Night Live for not being particularly funny (and c’mon, SNL, Hugh Laurie deserved so much better) and if SNL can make fun of New Jersey for being …. New Jersey, then why can’t they also poke a little fun at the blind governor? But then again, I am an a-hole, so what do I know.

What a stunner! The Enquirer is making more shit up, or I suppose, in this case, is twisting a story a bit and adding some unnecessary emphasis for create a story that … no one really gives a crap about. But aren’t most stories in the National Enquirer stuff that no one gives a crap about, yet that we all feel compelled to ready about anyway? Yeah, that’s what I thought. But here’s the one that caught my eye tonight.

Brad Pitt’s OUT-rageous dig at Gorgeous George!

Mr. Jolie-Pitt was taping an interview via satellite with Ellen DeGeneres when Brad, ever the trickster, told the chat host how to woo his multiple Ocean’s costar.

“We’ve tried everything,” Ellen D explained her attempts to “Catch Clooney” which she initiated since relocating her studio near the stars palatial office.

“We’ve sent Victoria’s Secret models over. We’ve sent Miss America over. We’ve sent Kate Hudson over. We’ve sent gifts. We decorated his bungalow for Halloween. I don’t know what more we can do,” she kvetched to Brad over the satellite feed.

“Get a bunch of Chippendales. He’s yours,” Brad revealed with more than a twinkle in his eye. “Three, four - no less than three! Make one a blonde!”

“We’re going to do it and we’re going to say it’s from you!” Ellen promised,

George hasn’t responded as of yet but rumors swirl he’s fuming over pal Brad’s sly dig.

Hopefully, the two won’t get all fight club-by over this and kiss and make up under some mistletoe. After all, it is Christmas time and time to “don we now our gay apparel.”

Ooooh! Oooh! Brad Pitt went on TV and told everyone that watches the Ellen show that George Clooney likes to look at (blond) Chippendale dancers. For those of you that are not familiar with the Chippendale dancers, they are hot buff men who wear tight pants and bow ties with no shirts. And ooooh! This made George Clooney get angry!!!

Come on, National Enquirer. That was a lame and stupid way to get a laugh out of a gay reference. What follows is an actual funny way to get a laugh out of a gay reference. Oddly enough, it starts Clooney and Pitt. Watch and learn.

What is it about smelly celebrities that fascinates the entertainment media so much? I mean, I guess it has something to do with how the media likes to on one had make celebrities out as superhuman and better than the rest of us mere smelly mortals and then on the other hand, likes to knock those celebrities right off the pedestal they put them on in the first place. Brad Pitt is gorgeous and a nice guy and does a lot for charity! Oh, and he smells! Zack Efron is a super cute teen idol and in the most successful Disney franchise! He also doesn’t wash up after he plays basketball!

And the Pretty Woman herself, Julia Roberts? Apparently the ubiquitous “former employee” is reporting that the actress and mother of three frequently goes “long periods” without taking a shower. ZOMG! A celebrity that stinks! That makes me feel so much better about myself! Sheesh. Next the media will be telling us which celebrities have smelly dogs, cars that smell like french fries, breath that smells like coffee and cigarettes, and shoes that smell like expensive cheese.

Nothing all that trashy about this clip. Anderson Cooper suits up and swims a lap with Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps. They are both a couple of cuties and it looks like after this was shot they played some water volleyball or maybe a rousing game of Marco Polo. Marco? Polo!

In slightly more trashy Michael Phelps news, the swimmer apparently took his new girlfriend home to Baltimore this past Thanksgiving to meet the family. What’s trashy about that? Well, nothing, unless you consider that she is a cocktail waitress and topless model that he met while improving his poker game in Las Vegas. Again, not really all that trashy …. I mean, someone has to serve the drinks and pose for naked pictures, right? But having a cocktail waitress girlfriend just seems to go way against the clean cut all-American image Mr. Phelps seems to have developed. Or perhaps that the media has developed for him. I mean, maybe his goal all along was to win the World Series of Poker and date a girl with lots of tattoos and the whole Olympic athlete thing was just a means to an end. Could be. Or maybe his guest cameo on the season finale of Entourage somehow affected his douchyness filter. (And for the record, I do not watch Entourage on purpose. Trashy Talker Amy does — DVRs it, even — and sometimes I am just in the same room when it is on.)

But whatever, I’m sure not as many people care now about who the Human Fish is dating now as cared a few months back. In another few months it will be “Michael Who?” until four years from now at the next Olympic games. Until then, why shouldn’t he do everything he can to stay in the media. Or do be a slightly douchy but rich young man in his early 20s. Party on, Phelps.

How very gracious of him! Lindsay Lohan’s former boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama, has stated that he approves of her relationship with Samantha Ronson. This is especially gracious of him, to step aside like this, because he and Lohan broke up a mere four years ago after less than a year together. What a big man!

Seriously, I guess it was nice of him to say this, considering all the scrutiny Lohan and Ronson have on their relationship, but what really gave him the occasion to say this? Hopefully some reporter on some red carpet just blurted it out and he didn’t call a press conference about it or anything. But why does anyone need anyone else’s approval on his or her current relationship? Why would Lindsay care what the dude that she dated when she was 18 years old thinks of who she is dating now?

Come on, media, stop looking for every little angle on the Lindsay/Samantha romance and stop “approving” or “disapproving” of other people’s relationships. That goes for you too, States of California, Arizona, Florida and Arkansas.

Aw, look who doesn’t have a sense of humor about himself. Good old Mark Mark (formerly of the Funky Bunch) has been in too many Academy Award-nominated movies and has produced too many Emmy-award winning television shows and lost his ever-lovin’ sense of humor in the process.

You see, on a recent episode of Saturday Night Live hosted by Anne Hathaway, everyone’s favorite digital shortmeister Andy Samberg does a skit where “Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals.” And he does a pretty good imitation of Walhberg and …. talks to animals. I thought it was a pretty funny skit in an episode that had several pretty funny skits. Here, check it out for yourself:

Funny, right? Maybe not old-school Saturday Night Live funny like The Bees or Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood or The Judy Miller Show. Heck, not even as funny as the “Narnia” digital short, or Natalie Portman as a gangsta rapper. But pretty funny for a toward-the-end-of-the-show sketch. But here’s what Mr. Walhberg had to say about it.

Someone showed it to me on YouTube. It wasn’t like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that’s for sure. And “Saturday Night Live” hasn’t been funny for a long time. They’ve asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don’t even know who’s on the show now.

Whatever, Marky Mark. You know you want to be in a digital short with Andy who must have a big old man crush on you if he’s willing to imitate someone who apparently has no sense of humor about himself. Either that or he was angling for a guest spot on Entourage and the whole thing massively backfired on him. Still, I suspect that Marky Mark actually has downloaded this video to his iPod and secretly watches it over and over, maybe silently crying for the days when he didn’t take himself so gosh darn seriously.

In no less shocking celebrity coming out news, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson apparently have quietly gone public with their relationship. And once again, no one in the world is stunned. In fact, I think the only person making a big deal out of this one is the Queen, Perez Hilton. So, yay, they are out, whatever, let them live their lives because I finally joined a gym and I need all my extra energy for those last 10 minutes on the treadmill. Also, the new television season has started, so I need to spend my extra time caring about the losers on Survivor and wondering what will happen with Jim and Pam.

What I don’t understand and what I might spend a few minutes wondering about (maybe time spent doing the dishes or cleaning out the cat boxes) is if it is true that out lesbian Samantha Ronson would really refuse to be a guest DJ at a benefit for famed lesbian bar Rubyfruit in NYC, because it is a lesbian bar. I mean, if she refused to do it because she doesn’t do benefits, fine. Or if because the bar is a dump (and I visited Rubyfruit once many years ago, and then it was kind of a dump and there was no one there) then, fine. But to say she won’t do it because it is a homo club? Well that is just stupid.

Of course, if Rubyfruit really wants to raise some money or really wants some new respectability, it will refuse entry to famewhore Samantha Ronson (and take all those pictures of Melissa Etheridge off the wall) and just serve good drinks in a friendly atmosphere and play some damn good music. Something tells me that they don’t want to be known as “that bar where Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend played that one time, and no one really cared.” Just sayin’.

Mark Schwahn is apparently the guy who came up with that show that no one I know watches, One Tree Hill. I don’t even know enough about him to know if he is a Trashy Celeb. Is he? Let’s find out together.

Well, judging from that photo, he does seem a little douchey. I mean, that hair? Come on. It is so very Peter Horton-1990-thirtysomething. That’s one point to “Trashy.” He also is responsible for putting that dork with three names Chad Michael Murray on television. Another point to “Trashy.” He also wasted 40 seconds of my time with the following YouTube video, touting the new season of One Tree Hill (which for some reason I keep confusing with Men in Trees even though I don’t know what that one is about either.) I have no idea what he is talking about here, but maybe you will:

So that is THREE points for Trashy, no points for Not Trashy. And what is up with that extra “H” in his last name? Okay that is FOUR points for Trashy. And since first to five wins, well, then there is no way Not Trashy is going to win. But from my less than five minutes of internet research on Mr. Schwahn, I have found one BIG point in the Not Trashy column …. he is responsible for getting the awesome Barry Corbin back on television. Barry Corbin! John Travolta’s Uncle Bob on Urban Cowboy! General Beringer from Wargames who offered to piss on a spark plug!

So here’s the wrap up …. Mark Schwahn is officially a Trashy Celeb. But he’s also redeemed because he’s a friend of Barry Corbin. Remember how Quentin Tarantino single-handedly revived John Travolta’s career with Pulp Fiction? Well, this is totally the poor man’s version of that. Welcome to continued success, Barry Corbin! At least on the CW!