Trashy Celebs

The Reverend Jerry Falwell, founder of the Moral Majority, died today at age 73.

I think TMZ.com said it best.

Jerry Falwell, Moral Majority, TMZ.com, Tinky Winky

Every morning, I get to have a little conversation with Johnny Depp both before and after I take a shower. This is because my girlfriend and fellow Trash Talker, Amy, when she was but a wee Trash Talker, stood in line for many, many hours at a car show in order to meet, shake hands with, and get an autographed picture of Mr. Depp. That picture, from his 21 Jump Street, days is now framed and proudly hangs in our bathroom, where the glass sometimes gets flicked with tiny little sprays of toothpaste.

So tomorrow morning I can congratulate Johnny, who is apparently planning to marry longtime partner Vanessa Paradis in a quiet ceremony this summer in the South of France, where they have a home.

I hope they are able to have that quiet ceremony, without helicopters hovering or fans dressed as pirates popping out of the bushes. As for the Trash Talkers, we’ll just say “Mazel Tov” to the happy couple and clean the toothpaste off the picture in the bathroom.

Edited to add: E! News is reporting this rumor is NOT true. So all you Johnny Depp lovers still have a shot! I’m leaving this entry up, however, because I like the story about the picture hanging in my bathroom.

Johnny Depp, Vanessa Paradis, marriage, South of France, 21 Jump Street

Why should you just say no to drugs when you can choose to abuse them? Drugs are fun, they keep you thin, and can even make doing your taxes fun. So let’s explore recent drug fun with some super cool guys and gals.

First up is bug-eyed hottie Tom Sizemore. The Size-man was chillin’ and enjoying the warm California sun while off his nuts on crystal meth when some hateful policemen had to come and ruin the fun. Police found two bags of crystal and several pipes in his car but that was just for sharing. The more tweaked out people the better!

Across the Atlantic Too-Funky George Michael plead guilty yesterday to driving while under the influence of drugs.

The minor misunderstanding stems from an October 06 arrest of Michael while he took a little nap in his car, inconveniencing a few pesky drivers. Get with it people! He was being responsible by not driving while passed out. Give the man a break!

Let’s see what else. Oh yeah, our bud Lindsay isn’t backing down and being a follower by throwing those 12 steps out the window and doing coke in public. You blow, er go girl!

Tom Sizemore, crystal meth, George Michael, Lindsay Lohan, coke, cocaine, idiots

Century Regional Detention Facility plays host to the newly dubbed The Penal Life staring parole violating sweetheart Paris Hilton. For 45 fun-filled days, the hotel heiress will be cozying up to 2200 fellow female felons as she goes through Blackberry, Starbucks and Stoli withdraw.

Sources say there’ll be no Nicole Richie this time around but Paris will share her zany adventures with 27-year-old cellmate Shanisha Johnson of Southeast L.A. Johnson, a former teenage prostitute and petty thief, says she’s looking forward to bonding with Hilton in the small two-person room.

“Yeah, that bitch ain’t in West Hollywood no more,�? said Johnson, “she better not start whining about her jumpsuit neither cause somebody getting cut if I don’t get my beauty rest.�?

The color of the jumpsuit Johnson referred to will be determined according to where she and Hilton are housed. Designed to show off nothing, the four summer-ready colors are blue, brown, white and always stunning, orange.

Cameras will follow Hilton as she goes about her daily routine of cowering in the corner, using her one hour of recreation to shower, exercise or talk on the phone, cowering some more and having long discussions with a face she’s drawn on her left hand.

Filming on The Penal Life begins June 5, when Hilton is scheduled to report to Century Regional. No word yet on whether her Chihuahua, Tinkerbell will be along for the ride.

Paris Hilton, Jail, Tinkerbell, Nicole Richie, Century Regional Detention Facility, Fox

Unless you’ve been living on an Amish dairy farm for the past week, you’ve been bombarded by news of Don Imus and his hugely douchetastic comment about the Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team.

The leathery radio-host referred to the final-four champion team as “nappy-headed hoes,�? along with a bevy of other offensive things. This started a frenzy of media coverage, which led to the firing of Imus from CBS yesterday.

All week long, many groups had been calling for Imus to be fired including the Revered Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, but inspiring words from Snoop Dogg made to MTV News may have been what did it.

“Kick him off the air forever,�? said Snoop who then pontificated on the difference between Imus’ racist comments and the misogynist lyrics that permeate hip-hop.

“It’s a completely different scenario. (Rappers) are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We’re talking about hoes that’s in the ‘hood that ain’t doing shit, that’s trying to get a nigga for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain’t no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC going hard on black girls. We are rappers that have these songs coming from our minds and our souls that are relevant to what we feel. I will not let them muthafuckas say we are in the same league as him.”

Inspired by Snoop’s comments and events of the past week, Jesse Jackson plans on apologizing to Woody Allen for 1984’s “Hymietown�? remark.

Don Imus, Snoop Dogg, CBS, MTV, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Woody Allen

CNN has just reported that Larry Birkhead is the father if Dannielynn, Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter. The DNA test confirmed this with 99.99% certainty (just like on Montel Williams!)

Not that I think there is ever any “good news” to come out of this whole sad, sorted, overhyped story, but I think this is as close as it comes. In my opinion, Birkhead seems like the least-douchiest of all these douches and hopefully will be a good father to this little girl.

In other news, I’m sure Perez Hilton will have some interesting things to say about this! He’s never made it any secret how he feels about Howard K. Stern.

Larry Birkhead, Anna Nicole Smith, Howard K. Stern, paternity, Dannielynn Smith, Perez Hilton

The Annual Easter egg Roll took place on the lawn of the White House yesterday morning but the event proved to be scarier than W’s foreign policy. In attendance with along with a select number of children were Clifford the Big Red Dog, Curious George, Shrek, some Easter Bunnies and Bio-Dome actor Stephen Baldwin.

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Things started to go downhill quickly when Laura Bush appeared blurry-eyed on the balcony bookmarked by a pair of doped-up Easter Bunnies. “Me, George and these chickens want to wish you a merry (expletive) Easter America!�? remarked Mrs. Bush to a stunned crowd. “Now let’s find these Goddamn eggs before Jesus comes down here and does it himself.�?

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Secret Service Agents quickly whisked Mrs. Bush away but she reappeared a short time later for a photo-op with Clifford and some children. However things were apparently still not fine with the first lady as she was overheard whispering to Clifford “Wear the same color as me again and I’ll be wearing your ballsack as a handbag at the next correspondence dinner.�?

When asked to comment on Laura Bush’s behavior, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow simply shrugged his shoulders and said, “I don’t know maybe she has her period. Do first ladies get periods?�?

Laura Bush, White House, Easter Egg Roll, Stephen Baldwin, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Easter Bunny, Tony Snow

Carson Kressley, Ted Allen, Thom Filicia and Kyan Douglas attended Monday night’s 18th annual GLAAD Media Awards in New York. Mugging it up for the red carpet cameras, the guys were amazed to see paparazzi showing interest.

“At least the gay media still shows us the respect we deserve for providing a service to the heterosexual community,�? said QG Kressley. “Sure the show became trite and tired after two seasons but we’re responsible for gayifying the Bravo network. Do you think Tim Gunn would have existed without us? I don’t think so!�?

When absentee queer guy, Jai Rodriguez, was asked why he didn’t attend the gala event he explained that he was avoiding Kressley. “Carson just can’t let the show go,�? he said, “He keeps trying to rope us all into new spin-offs that would never work.�?

Among the rejected Bravo pilots were Queer Eye for the Blind Guy, Queer Nose for Smelly Hoes and You’ll Never Dress Better than a Gay Guy so get over it.

Bravo had no comment on the current state of any of these programs; but did add that everyone arriving got their photo taken including pedestrian Myra Rosenburg, who was out walking her dog and accidentally wondered onto the red carpet.

Carson Kressley, Dyan Douglas, Ted Allen, Thom Filicia, Jai Rodriguez, Queer Eye, Bravo, GLAAD

Do you?

Chris Rock, Poo, Poop, Doody, Stinky

Dreamgirls star Jennifer Hudson, won the entertainer of the year award this past Saturday night at the 2007 Soul Train Awards in Pasadena California. However after a whirlwind of more than 25 recent accolades, the thrill of winning an award may have worn off for the former American Idol contestant.

Beaming from ear to ear, Hudson took the stage after her name was called and began with a usual “Whoooo! I can’t believe this y’all!�? But things took an ugly turn when a noticeably confused Hudson started getting to the meat of her speech.

“First off I want to thank all the doggies and kitties who put their front paws in the paint for me. Keep on keepin’ on and one day you’ll catch that gravy train….What? This ain’t the Purina Awards?�? stammered Hudson before looking around the room.

“Oh, I’m sorry what I meant to say was thank you Oprah, thank you Jennifer Holiday. Without you I wouldn’t have the knowledge to achieve such a natural sheen…What? This ain’t the Black Hair Awards neither? Shoot, where am I?�? said Hudson before glancing down at the statue in her hand.

“Oh my, I’m so embarrassed up here,�? apologized Hudson. “What I really meant to say was thank you so much to Miss Marilyn McCoo and the rest of the Solid Gold Dancers, without you I wouldn’t be where I am today.�? With that a still smiling Hudson was led off the stage by Soul Train Awards co-host Omarion. “I don’t have the heart to tell her where we’re really at,�? said Omarion. “Actually, I’m just here cause I heard Beyonce may be at the after party.”

Jennifer Hudson, Soul Train Awards

The Trash Talkers are saddened to report that Anna Nicole Smith has died after being found unconscious in her Florida hotel room. This has been a sad story ever since the death of her son, Daniel, last year. And with all the controversy and sadness surrounding her life lately, this death seems more than a little suspicious.

CNN story.

Our hearts go out to her baby daughter, Danielynn.