Trashy Celebs

Early Sunday morning, reports flooded into Star Magazine that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were married in New Orleans Sunday night. “There were two weddings, one planned and one unplanned,” one source told Star. “Brad and Angelina’s was the planned ceremony. The weather wasn’t good, so we were indoors.” After further investigation, the sources are not standing by their story. Brad and Angelina’s reps have not commented. DOH, number one Star Magazine.

DOH number two came when People Magazine lashed out like a know-it-all older sibling when a source close to the couple told them there was no wedding. In fact, the Pitt- Jolies weren’t even in New Orleans this weekend. The family was there two weeks ago as Pitt broke ground on his Make It Right project to help rebuild the city’s Lower Ninth Ward – but they have recently been in the Austin, Texas, area while Pitt films Tree of Life with Sean Penn.

Also, I kind of recall Branjelina saying they wouldn’t toe the knot until everyone could (meaning the homos). So I think Star Magazine was hoping beyond hope they could be the first to report the news but should really go back to talking about how fat Kirstie Alley is.

Hillary Clinton continued her comedy circuit tour by appearing on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Monday night. Clinton, who also popped up on Saturday Night Live was still full of hope and viggor.

I unfortunately was not after spending the night glued to CNN and their campaign number-crunching Lookey-Loo. Earlier in the evening Wolf Blitzer and his looky-loo running bitch, John King were raising questions about if the Democratic party should ask Clinton to stop running. Noooo!

We’ve been supporters of Hil since she announced her nomination and are encouraged that SNL skits can help her campaign. Sure Obama has the hip college crowd and Rudi Guiliani’s 17 year-old daughter supporting him but Clinton has a desperate housewife. Eva Longoria who recently came out in support of Hill accompanied her at her “Texas-Sized” Town Hall meeting in Austin on Monday night.

Speaking of Texas, this is going to be a long night because it’s already 10:15 on the east coast and only 15% of precincts have reported, not to mention the fakakta caucuses they have there. Oy! If you’re such a great state get your shit together and learn how to organize a vote. Come on, you owe us for producing George Bush.

UPDATE: Yaaay! Thanks Texas! Not since Ann Richards have we agreed on something. On to Pennsylvania.

CNN (among many other sources) is reporting that actor Heath Ledger was found dead this afternoon in a Lower Manhattan apartment owned by Mary-Kate Olsen. Apparently pills (an over-the-counter sleep medication) were found nearby and right now, the case is being treated as a possible overdose. MSNBC is reporting the case appears to be a suicide.

This is awful. I have been an admirer of Heath Ledger since his brilliant work in Brokeback Mountain.

My heart goes out to his family, especially his young daughter, Matilda.

Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain

Oprah Winfrey has her own TV channel. No, not Oxygen, a different one. Oprah has reached a deal with Discovery Communications to operate the OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. Discovery will give up its Discovery Health channel in order to OWN. The channel was started in 1999, has over 70 million subscribers and is our number one source of Tranny and Gastric bypass shows.

Oprah I know you’re working on world domination but please, please, please don’t take away the shows about babies with two heads and people born with lobster claws for hands.

Oprah will have complete control over OWN, but they are currently looking for a CEO. Gayle, and Steadmen get your gloves on. Oprah said, “For me, the launch of ‘The Oprah Winfrey Network’ is the evolution of the work I’ve been doing on television all these years and a natural extension of my (syndicated daytime) show.”

“Waaa Ha, HA!” She added.

“I said from the beginning that this was an opportunity for me to step out of the box and make the kind of shows that make my heart sing,” Oprah went on to say, emphasizing that she planned to keep the focus on “mindful, not mindless, television.” Interesting because when I put on Oprah today she was talking to a guy who invented a new kind of Post-It.

But anyway in addition to her responsibilities at OWN, Winfrey will continue her duties with The Oprah Winfrey Show, which is slated to talk about doody with Dr. Oz through at least through mid-2011.

Oprah Winfrey, OWN, Discovery Health Channel, Dr. Oz

Not to start the week on a downer, but Kanye West’s mother Donda tragically passed away this weekend at the young age of 58. Early reports say cause of death is a freak allergic reaction while getting her tummy tucked.

Kanye was in London when he was told and was on his way back to the U.S. as of last night. West often spoke about the close relationship he shared with his mother and she sounded like a pretty awesome lady (from People.com)

West, 58, a retired professor and former chairwoman of the Chicago State University English department, was a tireless supporter of her son as he both earned success and stirred up controversy.

“Kanye likes to think as a hobby and speak his own mind. He was always like that,” Donda West told InStyle earlier this year. “He came out of the womb looking like he had that attitude.”

As CEO of West Brands LLC and co-founder of the Kanye West Foundation, she teamed with her son to develop a nonprofit that aimed to combat the dropout problem in high schools in 2005. In May, she released the book Raising Kanye: Life Lessons from the Mother of a Hip-Hop Superstar.

The rapper paid tribute to her efforts in his song “Hey Mama,” singing: “See you’re unbreakable, unmistakable/ Highly capable, lady that’s makin loot/ A livin’ legend too, just look at what heaven do/ Send us an angel, and I thank you (Hey Mama).” The ode became the ring tone she played on her cell phone.

“She always gave me support,” Kanye West said. “A lot of parents don’t train their kids to think.”

Kanye West, Donda West

CNN, NBC and all other media sources have been reporting on the devistating fires ravishing parts of southern California this week. Focus has been on the evacuees fleeing to Qualcomm Stadium watching in horror as their homes go up in flames on TV, and brave firefighters working 14 hour shifts to contain the ruthless wildfires. But there is a small subsection of people being ignored during this difficult time - The A list celebrity.

It was barley reported that a wildfire that began early Sunday morning in Malibu scorched a plot of land belonging to Sean Penn and has forced evacuations all over the tony Pacific-adjacent enclave, including gated communities where celebs such as Mel Gibson, Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox and David Arquette reside.

Also affected Monday was Promises treatment center. Patients who chose that specific Malibu rehab facility because Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Ben Affleck and a host of others lept on the wagon there were tossed aside -Transferred to a different (and probably less fabulous) outpatient locale after the area was included in a mandatory evacuation.

When asked what he would do to save the more important dwellings of the fabulously wealthy, George Bush replied, “I wish we could control the wind, because one of the things that’s hampering our joint capability of fighting these fires is the strong westerly winds. “I’m told the winds may be dying down soon, in which case it will make it — make this equipment we’ve got in place a lot more effective at helping fight the fires.”

This apparent Bush brush-off was too much for Kiefer Sutherland who’s show 24 was shooting at a Marine Corps air station in Irvine, about 40 miles southeast of Los Angeles. 24 had to cancel filming at 7:30 a.m. at one of the base’s hangars due to smoke from the Santiago fire. Sutherland was last seen taking his rage out on a newly plucked Christmas tree.

The president choose to lump celebs in with everyone else yesterday and signed a “major disaster declaration,” enabling federal funds to be released to families who have been disrupted by the wildfires.

“George Bush doesn’t care about famous people,” one distraught celebrity was overheard saying “and former cast members of Friends.”

George Bush, California wildfires, Mel Gibson, Qualcomm Stadium, Jennifer Aniston

Pop star Fergie Fergatossed her cookies Saturday night at the Minnesota State Fair. After finishing her set on the main stage that night the Glamorous singer decided to take a ride on the big slide. Things went downhill quickly when Fergie yaked up some lovely lady lumps at the bottom of the ride.

Here’s an eyewitness account of the action thanks to Dlisted.com.

(more…)

The Trash Talkers join the ranks of those saddened by the death of Tammy Faye Messner.

I remember back when I was a wee little Trash Talker, I would visit my aunt in the summer and she and I would sometimes watch The PTL Club on TV, to enjoy the dramatics and to see how long it would take before Tammy Faye would cry and her mascara would run. But as I got older and learned more about her (and watched the news stories of the downfall of her husband and the PTL empire) I began to respect and admire her more. By the time she appeared on VH-1’s The Surreal Life, I have to say, I was a fan. She was one of the few evangelical Christians who supported and accepted gay people and for that I have to thank her … not only does that show her as a “true” Christian, but I’d like to think she opened a few minds as well, helping others become more tolerant, not only of gay people, but of anyone “different.”

So farewell, classy lady. You will be missed.

Tammy Faye Messner, Tammy Faye Bakker, PTL Club

Top Chef host and super hottie Padma Lakshmi and Satanic Verses author and super old guy Salman Rushdie are getting divorced. According to sources, the split was Lakshmi’s idea who is a full 24-years younger than Rushdie. This would be the fourth former Mrs. Salman Rushdie in the reclusive writer’s life.

Now, here at Trashy Celebs we do believe love is blind but we’re also really shallow and wonder how the fatwa this romance happened.

Theory Number One - Lakshmi has felt really bad since that whole Ayatollah Khomeini calling on Muslims to kill Rushdie in 1989 thing. So she decided to give it a go, take one for the team and marry the schlub.

Theory Number Two - Rushdie has incredible hook-ups. It’s been reported that Lakshmi is something of a pot-head and smoked often on the Top Chef set. She fell for Rushdie cause he’s got mad connections. We’re talking Cheech, Chong and Woody Harrelson combined.

Theory Number Three- Rushdie figured he’d tried the whole marriage thing with intellectuals and novelists, why not a Bollywood actress?

Theory Number Four - Can you think of a better way to get back at your parents then to marry Salman Rushdie?

Theory Number Five - Glitter co-star Mariah Carey triple-dog dared Lakshmi to marry Rushdie and Padma is one bitch who ain’t backin’ down from no triple-dog dare.

Salman Rushdie, Padma Lakshmi, Mariah Carey, Cheech and Chong, Woody Harrelson, The Satanic Verses, Top Chef

It’s a boy!

Congratulations to Julia Roberts and her husband, Danny Moder, on the birth of their third child, Henry Daniel.

Julia Roberts, Danny Moder, Baby

Come Monday, talk-show host and queen of polite ha-ha Ellen Degeneres has a line of greeting cards coming to a drugstore near you. In a partnership with American Greetings you’ll be able to purchase 32 cards carrying Degeneres’s unique brand of nervous chatterish insight.

“I look at having a line of cards as another extension of being a host; helping you wish your loved ones well, piggybacking on your birthday greetings,” the comedian said in a statement. “I like to be up in the middle of everything, and doing it this way is much easier than crashing parties.”

A sneak peak at some of the cards displays Ellen’s brand of with that made The Ellen Degeneres Show such a hit.

Anniversary - Roses are red violets are blue…well they’re actually more of a fuchsia don’t you think? Fuchsia, heh, that reminds me I promised to paint my grandma’s kitchen one time and she said ‘get fuchsia’ and I said I don’t know what that is and she said ‘it’s kind of like violet’ and I thought she said ‘violence’ so I got red.

Encouragement - I think you’re neat, so who cares what digit the UPS driver flashed after you cut him off. You know who should be cut off? Lindsay Lohan at an open bar. Am I too late with that one? Who cares my girlfriend is hot.

Flag Day - Hey it’s flag day, who knew there was such a thing? I’ll tell ya who - Flags.

Birthday - Birthdays are a really great time to reflect on who you are and what you’ve done with your life. That reminds me of a really great quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. I’ll be she had a lot of birthdays. But not much time to reflect being a first lady and all. Which makes you wonder when she had time to come up with such a great quote. Although there wasn’t Tivo back then so people had a lot more time to spare. You ever watch your Tivo too long then suddenly go outside and see a bird and think to yourself now was that an Oriole or a Robin? And then you go to rewind it but then you remember you can’t rewind real life? Ahhh, funny, funny stuff.

Ellen DeGeneres, American Greetings, greeting cards, Lindsay Lohan, Eleanor Roosevelt, Tivo

US Weekly is reporting that Natalie Portman and Andy Samberg are a couple. I personally find this adorable and can’t wait to see what sort of funny little cute babies they might have.

I can only hope that they fell in love during her hosting stint on Saturday Night Live, because how awesome would it be for them to tell their future children and grandchildren that this is what brought them together:

The only thing better would be if Natalie would change her name to Roy, so that they could show this video at their wedding:

PEACE!

Natalie Portman, Andy Samberg, Saturday Night Live, SNL, Roy Rules

Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney, and her partner, Heather Poe, welcomed their first child this morning in Washington, D.C. Samuel David Cheney was born at 9:46AM, weighing 8lbs and 6oz.

Congratulations to the happy couple and to the Cheney family.

Just want to note that this means that the little guy will share a birthday with our own Trash Talker Amy and with the Trash Talkers’ awesome downstairs neighbor, Jasmine. Congrats Amy and Jas! You are a part of history now!

Mary Cheney, Heather Poe, Dick Cheney, Lynne Cheney, Samuel David Cheney, baby, republican party, lesbian parents

The Reverend Jerry Falwell, founder of the Moral Majority, died today at age 73.

I think TMZ.com said it best.

Jerry Falwell, Moral Majority, TMZ.com, Tinky Winky

Every morning, I get to have a little conversation with Johnny Depp both before and after I take a shower. This is because my girlfriend and fellow Trash Talker, Amy, when she was but a wee Trash Talker, stood in line for many, many hours at a car show in order to meet, shake hands with, and get an autographed picture of Mr. Depp. That picture, from his 21 Jump Street, days is now framed and proudly hangs in our bathroom, where the glass sometimes gets flicked with tiny little sprays of toothpaste.

So tomorrow morning I can congratulate Johnny, who is apparently planning to marry longtime partner Vanessa Paradis in a quiet ceremony this summer in the South of France, where they have a home.

I hope they are able to have that quiet ceremony, without helicopters hovering or fans dressed as pirates popping out of the bushes. As for the Trash Talkers, we’ll just say “Mazel Tov” to the happy couple and clean the toothpaste off the picture in the bathroom.

Edited to add: E! News is reporting this rumor is NOT true. So all you Johnny Depp lovers still have a shot! I’m leaving this entry up, however, because I like the story about the picture hanging in my bathroom.

Johnny Depp, Vanessa Paradis, marriage, South of France, 21 Jump Street