Trashy Celebs

Once upon a time Ozzy Osborne and Stephen Tyler were hardcore rockstars. Bastions of masculinity who fronted the pioneering bands Iron Maiden Black Sabbath and Aerosmith respectfully. Now they just look like girls.

Ozzy appeared at the 2007 VH-1 Rock Honors looking more like Sharon Osborne. Shown here with king of sucky pop (minus In the Air Tonight) Phil Collins, Ozzy looks like he got some guyliner tips from Pete Wentz.

Stephen Tyler, shown here with daughters Liv and Chelsea Tyler gave a concert at the grand opening of The Cove Atlantis on Paradise Island.

The star-studded weekend featured tons of parties and a 70’s concert by Tyler who not only looks like a girl but managed to pull off an outfit made of George Clinton’s old hair weaves.

Steven Tyler, Ozzy Osborne, Iron Maiden, Aerosmith, The Cove Paradise Island, Pete Wentz, George Clinton, hair weaves, guyliner, VH-1 Rock Honors

Who doesn’t love a fat guy? A fat guy with cheap porn, even better. According to the Best Week Ever blog, Subway spokesman Jared Fogel was known for something a bit naughtier during his Indiana University days. Apparently Fogel ran a very lucrative porno rental biz out of his dorm room that offered an extensive collection of naughtiness.

For only a dollar a day, horny dorm dwellers would come from all over campus to take advantage of Fogel’s value menu. No word if a free cookie was included with that.

Jared Fogel, Subway, pornography, porn, porn rental, cheap porn, free cookie

So is the Kentucky Derby the new Sundance Film Festival? Because is seemed like every celebrity and their mothers, along with the Queen of England, ventured to the Bluegrass State to risk some money on the ponies and to watch Street Sense pound the competition into the track.

But according to Page Six, Kevin Federline was there for a different reason — to look for a new “life” partner:

Downtown at the Stereo party, Kevin Federline was not amused when organizers brought him to a table in the VIP area he deemed was too small and said, “Yo, I need a bigger table - I got six bitches with me.”

After DJ AM finished his set, Federline hi-jacked the microphone from Kid Rock. K-Fed gave “shout-outs” to hot girls in the crowd and screamed, “I got four kids already - which one of you Kentucky girls wants to have my fifth?”

That Federline is one classy guy. Does anyone know if he has a match.com profile?

Kevin Federline, Kentucky Derby, Street Sense, Queen of England, bitches

Punk Rock poster boy Pete Wentz proudly got his Mary-Kay on behind the scenes at People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People photo shoot. Dubbed “guyliner� by the Fall Out Boy bassist, thousands of sad Emo kids now know how to properly apply eyeliner.

Speaking from beyond the grave, Ramones founder Joey Ramone was visibly shaken at this outward display of douchery. “Man, I remember when it was all about the music. Granted we only knew three cords but it’s what we did with those cords that counted and I can tell you we didn’t put on makeup with them.�

“It’s Bollocks� post-mortemly added Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious. “We used to get that look by doing drugs all night and murdering our girlfriends, not by being the spokes model for Clinique. Although�, added Vicious “I wonder ‘hut would happen if you injected a whole tube of guyliner into your blood stream? Oh well, gotta check wit my sponsor if that’s kosher.�

Fall Out Boy, Sid Vicious, Joey Ramone, Pete Wentz, guyliner

The month of April is sending me a kickin’ goodbye gift with three wonderful stories that I swear I didn’t make up.

Eat your Beans with every meal

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First off, Hugh “Liz won’t blow me� Grant gets arrested in London for hurling a container of baked beans at a paparazzo. The actor “allegedly� kicked photographer Ian Whittaker three times as Whittaker attempted to photograph him near his west London home. Grant then got all Mickey Blue Eyes meets B&M and hurls some baked beans at ‘em slathering the photographer in a gooey mess. Not to be predicting anything but if Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason is any indication, Grant’s career is in the same predicament.

What it Feels Like to be an Ex-View Girl
Then Tyra Banks gets her grope-on with a honk-honk shout-out to Rosie O’Donnell. The best part is Rosie shoving Tyra away. Awww, Kelly gonna be jealous y’all!

The only thing that could make the end of my month even better is if the President could put the “white� back in White House with an awkward display of dance.

Sweeet!

Hugh Grant, Baked Beans, Tyra Banks, Rosie O’ Donnell, The View, President Bush

Girls Gone Wild founder and professional douchbag Joe Francis was sentenced Monday to 35 days in jail after pleading guilty to contempt of court. According to Yahoo! News, Francis was “blowing his nose and wiping away tears” while entering his plea and receiving his sentence.

My first thought: “What a pussy! The man who became a multi-millionaire by objectifying women apparently cried like one when being sentenced to five weeks in what will probably be Camp F’n Cupcake. Sheesh!” But then I heard more about the court proceedings. Apparently, after offering Francis a wide variety of Jello shots and a free “County Jail” tank top, both the judge and several court officers began pressuring Francis to remove his shirt. Soon a baliff produced a video camera and filmed the proceedings as Francis was led away in handcuffs and the judge led a chant of “Take it off! Take it off!”

Upon completing his sentence, Francis’ community service will include both producing those cute videos of kitties and puppies that your grandma is always forwarding to you over email and having the crap kicked out of him by every older brother and male cousin ever born.

Joe Francis, Girls Gone Wild, contempt of court, douchebag

Carson Daly recently celebrated the fifth anniversary of his talk show Last Call with Carson Daly, a show that even NBC executives are surprised is still on the air.

“That show’s still on?” asked one NBC programming executive, who asked to remain anonymous. “Crap! I forgot to tell my assistant to cancel it. I knew when I dropped my palm pilot in the toilet at the 40/40 Club that I would lose my whole schedule for 2006! I have to make some calls or I am so fired!”

Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman took a break from offending people over on Comedy Central to come around for the free food and drink at the bash, sponsored by Evian. Other G-list celebrities attending the celebration included Kathy Griffin, Randy Spelling, Bai Ling, and a whole bunch of other people that even the G-list celebrities didn’t recognize.

Also in attendence was Kato Kaelin, who managed to get in a quick photo before returning to his job parking cars.

Overall, the party was only a minor success, as the room had to be cleared by 5:30 P.M. so it could be cleaned and set up for the Goldenblatt bat mitzvah, staring at 7 P.M. Daly was last seen on the fringes of that party, where somebody’s Jewish grandmother was begging him to please just eat something already.

Carson Daly, Last Call with Carson Daly, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Kato Kaelin, Kathy Griffin, Bai Ling

Save your pennies and brain cells, Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil has launched a four-day getaway aboard the Carnival Imagination called the “Motley Cruise.” The VD-Love Boat sets sail January 24, 2008 from Miami, with stops in Key West and Cozumel before falling on its ass in Calica, Mexico.

Hyped as a “4-day rock & roll vacation filled with music, fun and sun - and of course plenty of Girls, Girls, Girls,� guests may encounter a hidden “Ho� charge. Since the Girls, Girls, Girls who followed Crue in their prime have sagged, sagged, sagged, attendees are asked to either bring their own scantily clad women or pay a daily fee of $15.

Dramamine and Herpes vaccinations will however be available throughout the cruise free of charge.

Vince Neil, Motley Crue, Motley Cruise, Ho, girls, Herpes

According to People magazine, teen star Frankie Muniz has decided that he no longer wants to be an actor in movies and television shows that no one has heard of and instead will build a career as a professional race car driver on a racing circuit that no one has ever heard of.

Muniz apparently races as part of the Champ Car World Series (although the Trash Talkers were unable to find his name anywhere on the official website) and will participate in some race around downtown Las Vegas, which would only be awesome if it involved visiting $1.99 buffets and having showgirls as passengers in the car.

Apparently, though, things are not all grand in Muniz’ happy little fast-driving world. Rarely at home because of a punishing race schedule (?), his relationship with fiancee Jamie Gandy has been tested. “We’re still together, but we kind of took a step back for the racing purposes,” he said. “She’s doing her own thing and she wants to have her own life and not just follow me around the world. … I’m so happy when I’m with her, so we’ll see.” Trash Talkers translation: “We will soon be sleeping with other people.”

And on an unrelated, completely superficial note (is there any other kind on this blog?) doesn’t his mustache in the above picture just look like he’s been drinking chocolate milk? Someone get this boy a wet wipe already!

Frankie Muniz, Champ Car World Series, Las Vegas, chocolate milk mustache

Jamie Foxx gave one of the final performances of his “Unpredictable Tour: A Night of Music and Comedy” last Saturday night in Charlotte, North Carolina. The multi-talented Foxx sang, danced and told jokes using past characters such as Ray Charles, Eddie Murphy and the Reverend Louis Farrakhan.

“Yeah, it’s actually pretty much what I expected,� said concert attendee Ronald Bishop. “I was hoping he’d at least kick it old skool by doing Wanda from when he was on In Living Colour. I used to love the way he’d cross his eyes and put Vaseline on his lips. That shit was hilarious!�

“The show started out cool,� stated ticket holder Elise Watson “but after a really upbeat joke or song he’d (Foxx) get all serious and start talking about how his dead grandmother pushed him. Total buzz kill.�

Next up for Foxx is the FBI thriller The Kingdom where he’ll play another predictable role as an agent on the edge.

Jamie Foxx, In Living Colour, Unpredictable Tour, Ray Charles

U.S Magazine is reporting that Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee were seen having a family lunch with their two sons this week. Upon seeing the picture accompanying the article most everyone in the world rolled their eyes, shuddered, and contemplated showering.

“I’m happy for them, I guess,” said one patron of a Salt Lake City Walgreens who was seen buying a copy of the magazine. “But I am kind of glad my doctor just put me on penicillin for this ear infection. I sort of feel like I might have caught something from that picture.”

“I guess he doesn’t care that she was in that Borat movie like that dickhead, Kid Rock,” said another patron who was flipping through the magazine at his dentist’s office. “That was a good movie. Borat is the bomb.”

Several Hollywood douchebags are reportedly rushing to be the first to pitch the inevitable reality show starring Lee and Anderson, likely to air in the fall on the Reality Show Network.

Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson, Kid Rock, Borat

Dudes, I totally called this one. Rumors are rampant today that Tom Brady’s current eye candy, Gisele Bundchen, may be almost as knocked up as his ex-girlfriend, Bridget Moynahan. Perhaps the two women could star in a reality show together: Gisele & Bridget: All Knocked Up.

Seriously, though, someone should give Tom the directions to the condom aisle in a drugstore and give him a banana to practice with. Or at least tell him that this is not the type of extra point he should be going for.

Tom Brady, Gisele Bundchen, Bridget Moynahan

Here’s a picture of Eddie Murphy arriving at Sunday’s Academy Awards event. What we don’t seem to have is a picture of him bolting a couple hours later, right after he wasn’t awarded the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Apparently he wasn’t there to see co-star Jennifer Hudson win her Oscar or to see her, Beyonce Knowles, Anika Noni Rose, and Keith Robinson perform the three nominated songs from Dreamgirls. But here at the Rodeo, the Trash Talkers figure that there must be a good reason or reasons that he left so early. Surely Mr. Eddie Murphy is not a sore loser! Maybe he had to leave to meet Scary Spice for a lamaze class. Or maybe he had an early morning shoot for Norbit 2. Or a date with a tranny hooker. Perhaps he had publicity to do for the Japanese DVD version of Daddy Day Care or maybe a script meeting for Shrek 22: Electric Boogaloo. I think a rerun of Saturday Night Live’s Best of Eddie Murphy was airing that evening on cable and he may have forgotten to set his Tivo. Come on! Any of these are valid reasons for ditching the Oscar’s early!

Or maybe he just wanted to go home and sulk. Those seated near him at the Kodak Theater have reported hearing him muttering “I’m Gumby, dammit!” as he headed for the exit.

Tom Brady is expecting a baby! Unfortunately, it looks like he threw an interception on this one …. the baby mama is his ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan.

Tom’s defensive line is protecting their quarterback, though, even here in the off season. Teammates have said that he is an “honorable guy” and will “do the right thing” although I’m not sure what that is, at this point. Kind of hard to be honorable after dumping your pregnant girlfriend and jetting off to Paris (the City of Love) with your new “gal pal,” supermodel Gisele Bundchen. Hey, maybe he’ll go for the two-point conversion and knock her up too.

The real dilemma for the Trash Talkers, however, is picking which of these three is the prettiest. Honestly, we think we’ll have to go with Brady himself. Touchdown!

So the Trash Talkers weren’t going to talk anymore about Anna Nicole Smith because this story is neither fun nor funny, and here at the Trashy Celebs Trash Talkin’ Rodeo, we like to keep things fun and funny. Once a person has gone through the sort of tragedy Anna Nicole has in the past six months, then that person is off limits to the Trash Talkers. This is not to say that the Trash Talkers aren’t interested in the facts of this story or the potential outcomes, but we feel that we want to offer Anna Nicole Smith, in her death, the dignity and privacy it appears she was so rarely offered during the last few years of her life.

This is not to say that the Trash Talkers never watched an episode of The Anna Nicole Smith Show or Trimspa commercials, fascinated by the “televised train wreck.” And trash talking celebrities is our job. We ain’t proud. But we do have our limits and this story recently reached a level of absurdity that is hard to believe, when some jackhole, Prince Frederick von Anhalt, better known as Mr. Zsa Zsa Gabor, suddenly decided that he was the father of Anna Nicole’s infant daughter, Danielynn.
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Where the hell did this come from? As if two other gold diggers potential fathers weren’t enough, now this asshole prince of a man comes out of nowhere (because really, has anyone ever heard of him before now?) and claims he’s the father of Anna Nicole’s baby? Where has he been for the past five months, since the baby was born? Why hasn’t he been fighting for his baby all along? Or maybe, just maybe, he was keeping quiet, respecting what was left of the sanctity of his marriage and avoiding the circus. Until now, of course, when it is time to do the right thing, to step in and rescue the big bags of money a little girl from the spotlight and the media circus her young life has become.

In that case, Your Majesty, I salute you. You are truly a douche!