Trashy Celebs

Hard to believe, but it’s been 30 years since the first piece of shit email, better known as Spam was sent out. To celebrate the occasion, Spam treated itself to a day at the races partying it up at the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby. Appearing on the red carpet already wasted on Mint Juleps, Spam was quick to remind guests what a D-Bag it really is.

“Yo, Yo Hef-Baby!” Spam shouted at Hugh Hefner who appeared with a gaggle of girlfriends. “Hef I’ll turn your old pruney dick into a revived large love tool! Just click here and I’ll hook you up!” blathered Spam pointed at its nether regions.

Unfortunately, the crass Spam had only gotten started.

A little Spam history if you’re unfamiliar with it. The first recognizable email marketing message was sent on May 3rd 1978 to 400 people on behalf of DEC—a now-defunct computer-maker. The message was sent via Arpanet—the internet but on a black screen with green type and no LOL Cats. Now billions of spam messages are sent every week hyping everything from boner pills to flat screen TV’s to scams trying to get people to send money over seas.

“Fatone, Wasssup? Joey Fatone,” blurted Spam. “I can get you .50 per pill %RND_WORD!”

“Word?” said the dopey Fatone. “Word!” said Spam and you’ll enjoy our super summer discounts and be able to eat smaller meals.”

“Fo’ Reals?” Fatone replied. “Real Fast,” said Spam “Urgentemente! Aviso de seguridad!” Luckily at this point J-Fats busty date pulled him away before the checkbook came out. Unfortunately others weren’t as lucky. Spam managed to convince Hills (actor?) Spencer Pratt to leave Heidi Montag and watch “STEAMY HOT LESBIAN ACTION LIVE ON CAMERA!”

Relic Joe Piscopo was enticed to go for a “F R E E* 30 Second Pre-Qualification MORTGAGE Application.” And the saddest case of all was when past his due-date American Idol winner Taylor Hicks had his ID stolen when Spam lured him into submission by saying that he’d been “sent an Insta-Kiss!”

It was at this point that Derby officials deleted Spam’s VIP access card and banished it to the infield where it spent the day doing beer bongs and convincing drunk masses to buy property in Ecuador.

Dude, if there ever was a top ten list of signs you were no longer “Gangsta” this would be number one. Apparently last weekend, P. Diddy slashed his foot on a champagne glass during an after party at his Star Island mansion while splish-splashing around his pool at 6 a.m. If anything is going to squash rumors that he killed 2Pac a lame ass injury like this would be it.

It was first reported that Diddmeister received 40 stitches at the hospital (but it was actually only five playa!). However the minor P-Don’ty was not without its casualties. Because of his boo-boo, Diddy missed Russell Simmons’ Art for Life event. This had party-goers straight trippin’ thinking he just dissed the event completely. But everyone cooled out when Diddy sent Russell over a videotaped message in his place. But even without D-bag the event went on and raised thousands and thousands of dollars. Holla!

George Michael is planning a U.S. Tour! A tour! Finally! A tour of the U.S.!

George Michael plans first U.S. tour in 17 years

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - George Michael has a lot of “Faith” in his North American fans. The British pop singer on Monday unveiled plans for his first tour of the United States and Canada in 17 years, beginning June 17 at San Diego Sports Arena.

The 22-date arena trek runs through August 3 at the BankAtlantic Center in Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

Tickets for the “25 Live” tour go on sale to the general public on April 6th, a week after fan club members get first dibs. Ticketmaster currently lists one show, the July 7 gig at Saint Paul, MN., where the top price is $175.

While his international appeal remains strong, Michael’s profile in the United States has waned over the past decade, although his last album, 2004’s “Patience,” managed to peak at No. 12 thanks to an appearance on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”

Michael, 44, rose to fame in the early 1980s as one-half of the singing duo Wham! and enhanced his popularity with his solo debut, 1987’s “Faith,” which has been certified for U.S. shipments in excess of 10 million copies. It included the hit singles “Father Figure,” “I Want Your Sex Parts 1 & 2″ and the title track.

Subsequent efforts did not sell nearly as well, and Michael’s career ground to a halt in the early 1990s when he unsuccessfully sued Sony to get out of his contract. In 1998, he was arrested for lewd conduct in Beverly Hills, and subsequently disclosed his homosexuality.

The European leg of his “25 Live” tour took him to 12 countries where he performed 80 shows for some 1.3 million fans, according to a statement.

The North American tour will promote a double-disc hits set, the second of his career. “Twenty-Five” is scheduled for U.S. release on April 1, a decade after Michael issued the retrospective “Ladies & Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael.”

I was excited to hear about this tour, because I have been a fan of George Michael’s ever since way back in the day when my local small town radio station would break in during American Top 40 with Casey Kasem to play “I Want Your Love” in place of the evil, immoral “I Want Your Sex.” I probably danced to “Father Figure” at my prom, sang along to “Faith” as I drove around in my car, and pretended that “Monkey” was somehow relevant to my life. And when I was an older and wiser college girl, I listened to “Freedom 90″ and pretended it was also relevant to my life (and I still do that today, as it’s my favorite George Michael song.) So now, as a wiser woman in her 30s, I finally have the resources to buy tickets and go shake my ass along with all the other gays. BUT GEORGE MICHAEL IS NOT COMING TO MY MIDWESTERN CITY.

George, why do you break my heart so? I stuck by you through the scandals, the coming out, the bathroom solicitation, the park hookups with random British men. Why can’t you come to my Midwestern city? I promise you, we have many public parks and rest rooms to choose from.

Hot Tranny 16th pres Abraham Lincoln got a fierce makeover for his face place on the five dollar bill. The US Treasury gave Abe a little pick-me-up by adding some purple to the bill (but it’s actually more of a magenta). To the naked eye, the most notable difference is color — splashes of light purple at the center of the bill that blend into gray near the edges. The new note also will feature an enlarged “5″ printed in high-contrast purple ink in the lower right corner of the back of the bill.

The bill, which went into circulation yesterday also features a bit of purple around the rail splitter’s cheeks and brow area. “She looks fierce!” proclaimed recent 20 dollar bill makeoveree Andrew Jackson. “I’m totally going for a hot-fushia for my next redesign, whenever those tranny bitches at the U.S. mint get off their Ice Queen asses and order me up some big numbers and more color.”

“Bitch please,” chimed in Thomas Jefferson, the face of the two-dollar bill. “I’ve been wearing this same stale look since 1976. I’m lucky I’m not hosting a Declaration of Independence fondue party while wearing a Nehru jacket.”

“Wait, wait, wait. It is all about the Benjamins,” said 100 dollar bill face Ben Franklin. “I needs to be big PIMPin’ since I’m the mother F’in focus of so many hip-hop songs. And while you’re at it can I get a couple of ho’s up in here? Key party, you know what I’m saying baybee.”

Happy Friday Tranny Hot Mess Trannies!

So sometimes you wake up on a Sunday morning thinking “what the Haley Joel Osment did I do last night?” There’s regrets and embarrassments followed by an afternoon spent cradling a cheese steak while watching a Road Rules/Real World marathon on MTV. But why wait until Sunday when celebs are preforming regrettable acts possibly sober. Here’s a couple of stories from late this week that equally gave us the willies. Decide for yourself which is more cringe-worthy.

Cynthia Nixon blows big love chunks all over our Cynthia Nixon lesbo fantasy

Cynthia Nixon opened up about her four-year relationship with not so hot Christine Marinoni, a New York state education activist to reporters this week. “I’m in a fantastic relationship,” said Miranda, er, Cynthia “We shop and cook and raise children…We both pitch in.” Much like in Sex and the City but with a chick, Cynthia and her partner raise her two kids, Samantha, 11, and Charles, 6, in Brooklyn.

“I’m in love with her because she’s her. If she were a man, would I be in love with her? I don’t know.”

Now, Lori and I are two gay homosexual lesbians and we’re happy that Cynthia Nixon has found true love but ew. U-G-L-Y she ain’t got no alibi she ugly!

Louis Vuitton cures Keith Richardson’s hide for a new line of bags

At least that’s the only reason we can imagine Richards would be chosen as the new face of Louis Vuitton. For his first ever ad campaign, the 64-year-old Richards, who has a rocky history of drug use and recently snorted his dad’s ashes, is seen cradling his guitar on a hotel-room bed, the lights part obscured by skull-print black drapes.

Despite the overall weirdness of this at least it’s for a good cause. Richards plans to donate the fee for the ad to the Climate Project, launched by Al Gore and backed by Louis Vuitton.

So which story freaks your freak more? C’mone all two of you, let us know.

Things are a little (olay a lot) busy in the Trash Talkin’ household today, but I didn’t want to leave you without any trash to talk yourselves, so here are some blind items I spotted over on Gawker. Some of them are pretty obvious, some of them are a little hard to figure out and all of them are fun (and sometimes gross.) Enjoy.

* What couple almost split up during the making of that movie because she was on fire with jealousy that he got to show his actual talent? (No worries. It totally bombed.)
* Which top anchor is a bottom?
* Which pop star is a top? (Or so goes the legend; actually, he and one of his hot boyfriends switched positions and loved it.)
* Which female politician once slept with a rabbi’s sister, according to an American Idol personality who’s a friend of the rabbi?
* What much younger songstress has very little actual chemistry with the husband, probably because she’s a big old lesbo?
* Which pasty-white club mess (with his friends) blithely walked out on a check at Beige (after insanely trying to get me to pay it) and was thrown out of Hiro for choking his boyfriend, the same week he was featured in New York magazine’s Look Book? What same guy became the subject of restraining tactics by a stylist when he kept using the stylist’s name to get free clothes long after he ceased working for him? (Oh, did I mention he’s also a thief?)
* What cute, young guy, who’s Hollywood royalty, recently had a heartwarming experience peeing into a trannie’s anus, only to have all kinds of shit shoot out?
* Which exotic, young hotshot designer has been supposedly doing it with that black rapper with many children?

blind items

I really want to forget all about the Anna Nicole Smith drama. I want to let that poor woman rest in peace. I want to let her son rest in peace. When I heard the name “Howard Stern” I only want to think of the shock jock on Sirius Satellite Radio. Yeah, I am a celebrity gossip blogger, some some topics just aren’t fun to snark about. Some just make me feel bad. Gossip is supposed to be fun and it is DEFINITELY not supposed to involve children.

And at the time, I was happy that Larry Birkhead turned out to be little Dannielynn’s father. He seemed pretty level-headed, seemed to want to be a father, seemed less shady than Howard K. Stern. But today, Birkhead is being named our Douche of the Week, for inviting along Entertainment Tonight cameras to Nasssau, to join him on his visit to Anna Nicole Smith’s grave. His daughter’s first visit. On the one year anniversary of her mother’s death. I wonder why he did that? Maybe he forgot to bring his own camera or something? YEAH, RIGHT.

Way to exploit your little innocent daughter, Birkhead. Do you need the money that bad? Too busy changing diapers and going to Gymboree to pick up any photography jobs? Or are you really just proving yourself to be a #1 DAD/DOUCHE. The only thing I am giving you credit for is that it was Entertainment Tonight you pimped your little family too and not the freakin’ National Enquirer. I hope you are saving some of that cash for therapy bills.

Larry Birkhead, Anna Nicole Smith, Howard K. Stern, Entertainment Tonight, National Enquirer

First up Whaa!
Thanks Dr. King for being a brilliant, fearless purveyor of what’s right and just because we needed the day off yesterday to recoup from a ridiculously disappointing Sunday of football. But we should have seen this coming years ago. The all-knowing soothsayer, Eddie Murphy did try and warn us of Brett Favre and the Packer’s inevitable loss in his 1988 film Coming to America. Yes Prince Akeem of Zamunda told us what time it was and no one had even asked.

I don’t remember doing it but I must have spent a good deal of my childhood watching this movie because I swear I can quote it more than Some Kind of Wonderful and Dirty Dancing combined.

Back to topic at hand, unfortunately Eddie “Donkey” Murphy did have the gift of future predictions when it came to his recent marriage to Tracey Edmonds. The couple split just two weeks after their non-legally binding wedding ceremony in Bora Bora. People Magazine quotes a source as saying that Eddie was chewing Tracey out at their wedding in front of guests and that it was embarrassing for everyone to witness. “Eddie’s mother felt Tracey was a gold digger, (but she ain’t messing with no broke, broke) says the friend - and Tracey’s mother felt Eddie wasn’t “good enough” for her daughter.”

Also quoteth People, “The mothers didn’t even want to sit next to each other - even to eat - and it led to both sides of the family squaring off.” Oh, that’s harsh. Lori and I have it easy because not only were our moms in a dance troupe together, we can’t get legally married! Wha-whaaaaa.

Now onto a quick Opps

It’s sad when young actors pass away. It’s even sadder when E! News spells a young actor’s name wrong who’s passed away. Good Job E!

source

Brad Renfro, Brett Favre, Eddie Murphy, Tracey Edmonds, Green Bay Packers, Coming to America, New York Giants

He’s young, he’s talented, he’s one of the hottest celebrities out there, and even lesbians want to make out with him. And, you might note, he’s not married. Or even engaged. So why are Star Magazine readers all up in his business then?

Star Exclusive: Justin Timberlake Caught Kissing Kate Hudson! Star Readers To Justin: You Cheated!
When Jessica Biel is away, Justin Timberlake will play!

And that’s exactly what he did on Jan. 11 when he was caught kissing Kate Hudson at Hollywood club Villa.

Meanwhile, Jessica — whom Justin has been dating for much of the past year — was on the other side of the world in London filming a new movie.

“They seemed to be so into each other. Kate was batting her eyelashes, laughing hard and touching her mouth a lot — all the usual come-ons,” an eyewitness tells Star.

But as the party began to wind down, Justin and Kate heated up! Although reps for both deny the hookup, the eyewitness says Justin went in to kiss Kate — and it was some liplock!

So did Justin cheat on Jessica? Considering 95% of Star readers polled said they feel a lip-locking kiss is cheating, we’d say yes!

Aw, really, who cares who Justin Timberlake is kissing these days? I sure don’t. All I care about is that he keeps coming up with sweet dance tunes like “SexyBack” and “What Goes Around Comes Around” for my iPod and keeps looking pretty, and occasionaly shows up to make a fool out of himself on Saturday Night Live.

Besides, everyone knows that it ain’t going to last with Jessica Biel. Shoot, even Jessica Biel knows that. She’s just not enough of a celebrity for him, just like Cameron Diaz. The only way a relationship of Justin Timberlake’s is going to work out is if he dates someone as famous as or more famous than he is …. like Britney Spears before she lost her goddamn mind. He probably could have made it work with Christina Aguilera, but he missed his chance on that one. Kate Hudson isn’t famous enough either, so she probably won’t get much past kissing him in a club. Even Janet Jackson gave it a shot, but she only ended up showing her boob to the world, while he walked away with free Super Bowl tickets. The way things are going now, the only female celebrity that seems famous and powerful enough to date Justin Timberlake is Oprah herself. Watch out Stedman!

Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel, Kate Hudson, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, Christina Aguilera, Janet Jackson, Oprah

Y’all, Gary Coleman is selling clothes from the Gap. No, I don’t mean he is their new spokesperson or in any of those commercials where people dance around. And he’s not posing in ads in magazines or on billboards. No, no, I don’t mean that he is actually working at the Gap selling t-shirts and fleeces and sweaters and khakis. What I mean is that Gary Coleman, former child star, is selling his own Gap khakis on ebay for fun and profit.

Well I’m sure it’s for profit but judging from that picture, I don’t think Coleman is having that much fun. He looks like he’s being photographed before being sent off to his cell in a minimum security prison. Or maybe a photo for his ID at his new job as a cook in a community college cafeteria. Sheesh, Gary, I’m sure selling your pants (or at least a pair of pants that you wore for 30 seconds while this picture was taken) is humiliating, but if you want people to bid, you gotta smile a little and at least act like you are having fun. Maybe through in a “Whatchoo biddin’ on, Willis?” for good measure.

Here’s the text of the ebay ad, which you can see in full (or make your bid) here.

Here are a pair of Gap Athletic Pants that Gary Coleman wore. He signed the back pocket. The material is 100% Polyester. The color is Khaki, with blue, green, and white stripes down the Sides. The pants are from Gap Kids the Size is XL 12 Regular. This pair would be perfect for any child who loves gary or for anyone who loves his memorabilia. Here is a great gift to have. I also have more memorabilia so please check into my Site often. Thanks for Visiting and good Luck to all who bid thanks!!!

Yeah, that “Pants that Gary Coleman wore” really makes me think that these pants aren’t actually Gary Coleman’s, but are some pants belonging to the son of Coleman’s dealer or something, and Gary owes him some money and doesn’t have any cash, so the dealer made him wear and autograph his son’s pants so he could sell them. And who loses here? Not Coleman, who should have a little more dignity, and not the weirdos who are bidding on this crap (seriously, what is anyone going to do with a pair of pants signed by Gary Coleman.) The real loser here is that kid who had to give up his pants because his dad (or mom or uncle or cousin) is Gary Coleman’s dealer and wants his money.

Gary Coleman, Diff’rent Strokes, ebay, the Gap

Yes, I do think I’m terribly clever with my headline, too bad Tony Romo was just plain terrible yesterday against the Philadelphia Eagles. Fans and NFL commentators aplenty are blaming Romo’s performance on Jessica Simpson just for being in the stands wearing a pink number 9 jersey. That’s some powerful p…erfume Simpson has got over Mr. Cowboy since he laid a 13-for-36, 0 touchdown, 3 interception egg lose at home to a 10-point underdog. The even funnier, or more pathetic thing was that the announcers couldn’t stop talking about her being there.

I guess the fact that Terrell Owens was playing his former team and couldn’t catch a cold yesterday and missed about every ball Romo threw at him just wasn’t as interesting. Meanwhile Romo’s old fling Carrie Underwood was spotted dancin’ with Gossip Girl person Chace Crawford.

This photo is courtesy of TMZ who spotted the two flirting at Marquee’s fourth anniversary party in New York last week. I’m not sure who Chace Crawford is and have only mildly heard of the show Gossip Girl but from the looks of things Underwood has moved on pretty effortlessly from the playing of the football man.

As for Tony Romo, our advice to you is to take a good hard look at Tom Brady for girlfriend at game etiquette . You don’t see his current girlfriend Gisele Bündchen or even baby-momma Bridget Moynahan sitting in the stands with a number 12 jersey on. No, they don’t hog the attention of Fox sports nincompoop broadcasters by drawing attention to themselves at the game with their creepy fathers. They’re either not at the game or are chilling somewhere with their friends not searching for attention. Not that I’m telling you what to do Jessica Simpson because I’d be perfectly happy if the Cowboys floundered the rest of the season. I don’t like them much anyway.

Terrell Owens, Tom Brady, Tony Romo, Jessica Simpson, Dallas Cowboys, Gisele Bündchen, Bridget Moynahan, Fox Sports, Gossip Girl

Fresh off some tales that he’s engaged to his long-time finance Alexis, Kanye West reveals that he likes to spank it and loves the lord. “Can you love porn and be a good Christian? If you’re a normal person, you have needs,” says West. “I like porno, I ain’t going to hide the truth. I could stay in for a good two days with my stash.”

Wow, that my friends is dedication. But West surely can’t keep the porn going for two days straight. I mean you do need an Oprah break or another show or magazine to act as a sort of porn sorbet - Something to cleanse the palate if you may.

No, we’re not sure this revelation about Kanye West is news worthy material but there you are fans; now you know the truth - Kanye West is a typical guy.

Kanye West, Porn

Britney, The Donald and Angelina Jolie’s creepy Lurch-looking brother were all out and about doing stuff this weekend to remind everyone they exist. First up, Britney Spears continued to prove just how smooth she is by rewarding herself the five-finger discount on Friday night in Van Nuys, CA.

TMZ caught Brit-Brit on camera stealing a disposable lighter from a gas station. The bonus part is she chose to brag about it. Classy! Spears claims she just forgot to pay for it but she turned to the cameras and yelled, “I stole something. Oh, I’m bad. Ohhhhh!”

Not to Trump that one, heh, heh…oh shut up, we love our crappy puns. Anyway, The Donald apparently left a $10,000 dollar tip on an $82 bill at The Buffalo Club in Santa Monica, CA. The waiter’s story goes something like this (from dlisted.com)
I finally brought them out the check. Trump grabbed it and actually spoke to me from the first time. “What’s the biggest tip you ever got?”
“Jerry Bruckheimer comes in a lot. He tipped me $500 on a $1000 check once.” Trump nodded his head. “You’re very good at your job.” “Thanks.”

Billy has tried to contact Donald Trump in an attempt to thank him but has been unsuccessful in his pursuit. Ahh Trump, you’re generosity is inspiring and we’re convinced completely unmotivated by the fact the celebrity version of The Apprentice airs early next year. Wanker!

And finally, Angelina Jolie’s tall, skinny creepy brother, James Haven emerged from his cave driving a Jeep complete with an homage to Shiloh, the Pitt- Jolie messiah a’la personalized license plate. The plate reads “Shhiloh,” so either he stutters, Shiloh and Shiloh1 was taken or he just wants her to be quiet. Source Perez Hilton.

James Haven, Donald Trump, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears

From In Touch:

It was the day after Thanksgiving – but Jessica Simpson’s family was more than happy to hold off their dinner so she could return home with her new boyfriend, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo.

The couple showed up at Jessica’s grandparents new home in Waco, Texas, on November 23 (a day late, since Tony had a game to play on Thanksgiving) and received a “hero’s welcome” from Joe and Tina Simpson and Jessica’s grandparents, according to an onlooker. While Tony has denied reports that he and Jessica are dating, insiders say the pair are definitely involved – and they’re getting more serious.

Well, well, well. Mr. Tony Romo certainly has a type, doesn’t he? First it was Carrie Underwood, then a rumored fling with Britney Spears, and now it appears that the leader of the Cowboys is keeping time with the former Mrs. Nick Lachey, Jessica Simpson. (As a matter of fact, when I first read about this story my brain read “Jessica Simpson” as “Carrie Underwood” and I thought, “oh, they got back together in time for the holidays.” Even my brain gets the pretty blond football-player girlfriends mixed up.)

But you have to admit, Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson bear a striking resemblance to each other:

See what I mean? I’m not even sure which one is which. Well, I wouldn’t be sure if it wasn’t for the big “Jessica Simpson” printed on the wall behind Jessica Simpson. But still. I hope Mr. Romo is very, very careful about whose name he is using in, uh, more intimate moments, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
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Jonathan Rhys Meyers was arrested Sunday afternoon at the Dublin, Ireland, airport, facing charges of public drunkenness and breach of the peace as he tried to get on a plane to England. The purty actor, who was admitted to a California alcoholism-treatment clinic in April (checking out a month later), was in Dublin to promote his new film August Rush.

Twice police confronted the 30-year-old Irish thespian over his “erratic, abusive” behavior at an airport gate and at a desk of the British airline. After not shutting his puss and refusing to calm the freak down, the airport police then called Ireland’s national police force, the Garda Siochana.

Police charged Rhys Meyers with two counts of violating the Public Order Act, then permitted him to pay an undisclosed cash bail on condition he return to Dublin District Court on Dec. 5 for his arraignment.

“I gave up drinking a few years ago, and this is the first time I’ve spent time in my country trying not to drink,” Rhys Meyers said in an October 2006 interview. “I would never drink again. It is hard to avoid. But listen, you do what you want to do. I don’t want to do that. I want my career, and you can’t really do that and be successful on the screen.”

Well maybe not on the screen, but saying one thing and doing the other will make you pretty darn successful on blogs like this one. We’ll always be there for you to call you out on your own bullshit and laugh when it happens again in a month or so.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers, August Rush, Dublin, Ireland