Trashy Celebs

Who doesn’t like personalized advice broadcast on the internet? Well Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis for one. Candy Spelling, aka Tori’s Mom, has been spewing unsolicited advice to the imprisoned booby purveyor courtesy of TMZ.com. Below are portions of a letter dated May 19th

Dear Joe,

As the headlines about you changed — to scream “imprisoned” and “U.S. marshals” instead of “filmmaker” and “entrepreneur,” you respond by crying, wailing and seeing yourself as a victim. Bad move. Today’s headlines call you a “crybaby.”

You blew it, Joe. Instead of jumping from party to party, you’re being shuffled from one prison to another. And no one feels sorry for you.

Your world has changed, and you’re the poster boy for what can happen when boys go wild. Your every move and every emotion are still being reported, but not the way you want. It’s time for some dignity. At least it might prevent you from being forever defined as a crybaby.

Sincerely,

Candy Spelling

Apparently Francis was read the note over the phone and wrote a well thought out response calling attention to the growing national problem of animal hoarding. We grew tired halfway through reading it so here are some highlights:

Dear Candy:

I don’t know you, I have never met you and I don’t know anything about you. After reading your letter posted on the internet, my mental picture of you is of a lonely old woman living in a mansion in Holmby Hills with let’s say 300 cats jumping around, some in their own feces.

I have tried to think to myself what would compel a woman such as yourself to write a letter to someone they have never met? Even worse, you are making up your mind based on headlines. I can understand you writing Paris Hilton a letter out of care because as you said in your letter, you have known her most of her life. Then again, it’s sad and pathetic you had the audacity to post that letter on the internet instead of just sending it to Paris personally.

I have never played a victim but I have always been a fighter. I will ultimately prevail in the matters at hand but I am concerned that you will die a lonely and unfulfilled person playing with those cats and posting open letters to people you have never met on the internet.

Sincerely,

Joe Francis

Despite the harsh words, Candy has chosen to ignore Francis’s letter and impart her wisdom on future unsuspecting celebs. Check back for relationship advice to the reunited and it feels so good couple of Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher along with Sotheby’s goldenshower boy Michael Jackson.

Joe Francis, Candy Spelling, animal hoarding, Joey Buttafuoco, Amy Fisher, Girls Gone Wild

Cameron Diaz doesn’t want you to hate her because she’s beautiful.

In an interview with Jeanne Wolf on movies.com, Diaz talked about the important, often overlooked social issue of prejudice against pretty people:

“If a woman who’s a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, ‘Do you think you made it because you’re ugly?’ So why should there be prejudice against someone who’s had some success in films and looks a little better than average. It’s all in my genes, so don’t hold it against me.”

Don’t blame her because her parents made her pretty! She can’t help it! If it were up to her, she’d wear a damn paper bag all the time! And don’t blame all the make-up artists and hairdressers who she saw before every movie, talk show appearance and photoshoot she ever had! And don’t blame the lighting artists or the people who invented camera filters! They can’t help your genes! And don’t blame all the alcohol ever made either, all the beer out there who helped create beer goggles eveywhere! Lots of people wouldn’t be pretty without the beer goggles!

And I do have to ask this: when is the last time anyone saw a 300 pound actress with warts be successful, despite having more talent than Miss There’s Something About Mary here? Never, that’s when. Because newsflash to exactly no one: Hollywood is obsessed with the pretty pretty people. Even you, Cameron Diaz.

Cameron Diaz, Shrek 3, Pretty People, Hollywood, There’s Something About Marry, boo-hoo

A little something special for the Lord’s day. Also file under “Oh Lord, I can’t believe I used to have Kirk Cameron posters in my bedroom.”

Kirk Cameron, Bananas

Punk Rock poster boy Pete Wentz proudly got his Mary-Kay on behind the scenes at People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People photo shoot. Dubbed “guyliner� by the Fall Out Boy bassist, thousands of sad Emo kids now know how to properly apply eyeliner.

Speaking from beyond the grave, Ramones founder Joey Ramone was visibly shaken at this outward display of douchery. “Man, I remember when it was all about the music. Granted we only knew three cords but it’s what we did with those cords that counted and I can tell you we didn’t put on makeup with them.�

“It’s Bollocks� post-mortemly added Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious. “We used to get that look by doing drugs all night and murdering our girlfriends, not by being the spokes model for Clinique. Although�, added Vicious “I wonder ‘hut would happen if you injected a whole tube of guyliner into your blood stream? Oh well, gotta check wit my sponsor if that’s kosher.�

Fall Out Boy, Sid Vicious, Joey Ramone, Pete Wentz, guyliner

In an effort to make television slightly less screechy, the TV Guide Channel has finally ripped up that contract with the devil relieved Joan Rivers and her daughter, Melissa Rivers, from their jobs as hosts of every red carpet broadcast ever shown on television in the history of the world. They will be replaced by Lisa Rinna, a.k.a., Mrs. Harry Hamlin, who apparently impressed the TV Guide Channel executives with her weeks-long audition tape from her stint on ABC’s Dancing With the Stars.

The official reason for the Rivers’ ouster was not revealed by TV Guide Channel (perhaps Lisa Rinna signed her own contract with the dark lord). However, to anyone who has ever watched them on the red carpet, an official reason wasn’t really required

Besides, how badly do you have to screw up to be fired from the TV Guide channel? The channel that people basically go to just long enough …. to see what’s on the other channels?

This is Melissa’s chance to finally lead a regular life like regular people, getting a job at Bravo or the Home and Garden Network or even at Starbucks, but I think it’s too late for her mother. I fear that someday soon we will learn that Joan has painted her driveway red and has begun spending her days popping out from behind her car with a hairbrush “microphone,” screaming “WHO ARE YOU WEARING?” at mail carriers, garbage collectors, and the UPS guy.

Joan Rivers, Melissa Rivers, TV Guide, Lisa Rinna, Dancing With the Stars, red carpet

The 18th annual GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) Media Awards were held in Los Angeles Saturday night. Grey’s Anatomy was given the Outstanding Individual Episode award for a recent show called Where the Boys Are.

Despite recent criticisms for using a homophobic slur, show star Isaiah Washington put the past behind him and accepted the award.

“First off I’d like to thank all the Lezzies and Faggots out there who voted for me. I’d be nowhere without you Queers,� said Washington who unfortunately wasn’t finished speaking.

“I also want to thank my kike agent for getting me this role. My chinkerbell dry cleaner and of course my whop chef. What up Giuseppe?�

Luckily a large rainbow cane appeared from offstage and yanked Washington off the podium before he could continue. Stunned guests were quickly subdued by a montage of the greatest moments from Will and Grace set to Turn Back Time by Cher.

Isaiah Washington, GLAAD, Cher, Will and Grace, Grey’s Anatomy

Unless you’ve been living on an Amish dairy farm for the past week, you’ve been bombarded by news of Don Imus and his hugely douchetastic comment about the Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team.

The leathery radio-host referred to the final-four champion team as “nappy-headed hoes,� along with a bevy of other offensive things. This started a frenzy of media coverage, which led to the firing of Imus from CBS yesterday.

All week long, many groups had been calling for Imus to be fired including the Revered Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, but inspiring words from Snoop Dogg made to MTV News may have been what did it.

“Kick him off the air forever,� said Snoop who then pontificated on the difference between Imus’ racist comments and the misogynist lyrics that permeate hip-hop.

“It’s a completely different scenario. (Rappers) are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We’re talking about hoes that’s in the ‘hood that ain’t doing shit, that’s trying to get a nigga for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain’t no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC going hard on black girls. We are rappers that have these songs coming from our minds and our souls that are relevant to what we feel. I will not let them muthafuckas say we are in the same league as him.”

Inspired by Snoop’s comments and events of the past week, Jesse Jackson plans on apologizing to Woody Allen for 1984’s “Hymietownâ€? remark.

Don Imus, Snoop Dogg, CBS, MTV, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Woody Allen

According to an article reprinted from KP International, two-time Oscar winner Hilary Swank loves taking the bus.

“I love taking public transportation when I can and being with people because that’s what I do, that’s my job,” the 32-year-old actress said. “When actors become famous, they become more solitary. But when you start losing touch with people, you lose touch with life.”

Well thank you Hilary Swank! Is it just me, or does this quote have a touch of the “I love to mingle occasionally with the little people, to keep it real, y’all.” Come on! No one likes to take the bus. No one. If she had said that she takes the subway sometimes and had left it at that I would be all “whatever” because, really, in New York just about everyone takes the subway at some point. But that whole “being with the people thing” just makes my eyes roll. And this is from the woman so “in touch” with people that she completely forgot to thank her then-husband, Chad Lowe (the less attractive and successful of the Lowe brothers) when she made her Academy Award acceptance speech for Boys Don’t Cry. Maybe she thanked him the next day on public transportation.

So if I was on a crowded bus and Hilary Swank got on, would I offer her my seat? Why, yes, yes I would. But only because I wouldn’t want her hovering, asking me what I was reading or listening to on my iPod, trying to “stay in touch” with little ole me.

Besides, everyone knows that only C-list celebrities with DUI convictions (read: Lane Garrison) take the bus.

Hilary Swank, Boys Don’t Cry, Chad Lowe, Rob Lowe, public transportation, smugness