Trashy Celebs

Normally I am not all shocked and appalled by stupid celebrity behavior and stupid celebrities who need to get over their damn selves. I just laugh, unless it is something truly criminal or immoral. But here I am breaking the norm a bit because I am taking this one a little bit personally. Little Disney-bot Miley Cyrus and her alter-ego Hannah Montana have taken a swipe (albeit a weak, ineffectual one) at my favorite band, the supremely awesome Radiohead.

Apparently, Radiohead is Hannah Montana’s favorite band (doubtful) and the reason she “loves music” (that’s a laugh) is now NOT her favorite band anymore and she is TOTALLY going to tell her Dad they were mean to her and he is going to give them ALL achy-breaky hearts! So there!

Now how did this all come about? Well if you watched the Grammy Awards (and who didn’t?) then you know that both Miley (yawn) and Radiohead (sweet). And apparently Miley wanted to meet the band so she “extended an invitation.” And since Radiohead probably doesn’t know/care who the hell she is and they were there to, y’know, put on an awesome and creative performance for the audience both in the theater and watching on television, well, they choose to decline. And Miley (Bruce Jenner) turned into Hannah (The Hulk) and now she is trying to SMASH!

“The reason I’m in this business is to make people happy,” she said, implying that Radiohead aren’t. She added, “I left ’cause I was so upset. I wasn’t going to watch. Stinkin’ Radiohead! I’m gonna ruin them, I’m going to tell everyone.”

I’m sure Radiohead are all tuning up their resumes in anticipation of their careers ending any day now. Is Starbucks hiring?

If you know anything about the Trash Talkers you know a) we love to refer to ourselves in the third person and b) we love our country (we just think a lot of her citizens are complete flippin’ idiots). Luckily we don’t encounter many of these morons, with the exception of some family members, but the internets are great for spotting people with opinions of the wrongest kind.

President Obama took in a B-Ball game in DC last week. The reports weren’t about how we have a cool, laid-back pres who chats with and gives high-fives to people watching the game but criticism over this image of Obama enjoying a cold one.

One caller to WWL In New Orleans complained, “People are losing 5, 10, 20 thousand dollars a day in the stock market, and he’s sitting there drinking a beer!” She also said, “It’s insulting… there’s a lot of people suffering.” She insisted President Obama should not publicly have fun during a time of so much pain.

Rule #1 of a recession: No one can have any fun of any kind ever.

Another woman was upset about the courtside presidential beer. “The president is the president 24 hours a day. I don’t think he should drink on the job.”

Really? The man is going to be pres for at least four years. Does that mean he can’t sleep on the job, poo on the job and have relations with the first lady on the job? Whatever people, the days of prohibition and alcoholic presidents are way over. Let the man enjoy a nine dollar bud light like the rest of us.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck and I might agree on a little bit of something and that actually frightens me a bit. I mean, she’s on The View so it is her job to give her opinions on things and generally I don’t agree with her and that is all fine but I can kind of, a little bit, see her point on this one. Thankfully, it is not a political opinion or an opinion on why gay people can’t get married, so while it scares me, it’s not something I am ashamed of.

See, like Hasselbeck, I think the Wii Fit is kind of mean too. The Trash Talkers have one, and we get it out at parties and such sometimes to show off to our friends how mean it is. (It gave my Mii a muffin top, people.) I don’t like when you step on it and it says “OH!” and Amy has threatened to sell it in eBay. Hey, Hasselbeck is apparently going to trade hers in for a Playstation 3. Maybe she’ll buy us one too!

Holy Hanoi Montana batman, is that Miley Cyrus? Why yes it is. Miley’s sophisticated humor palette and exquisite group of friends make a funny and manage to offend 1.2 billion people. Rock on wit yo’ bad self.

I really have no idea what the origin of this photo is but I feel bad for that delivery guy or whoever he is. Not that all Asian people are delivery guys but it looks like someone just grabbed him and said “hey can you be all Chinese in our group photo?” and the guy is like “sure, if you don’t mind if I pretend to be a huge asshat.” Deal!

Anyway, some groups are none too pleased about Ms. Cyrus’s joke that’s usually reserved for preschoolers who don’t know any better.

Leaders of the Asian American community and the OCA advocacy group are demanding that Miley publicly apologize for ’slanting her eyes in the racially charged and insensitive photo. The OCA wants the world to know that this photo falls within a long history of individuals mocking and denigrating those of Asian descent.
George Wu, executive director of the OCA, said:

“Not only has Miley Cyrus and the other individuals in the photograph encouraged and legitimized the taunting and mocking of people of Asian descent, she has also insulted her many Asian Pacific American fans. The inclusion of an Asian Pacific American individual in the photo does not make it acceptable. OCA hopes that Miley Cyrus will apologize to her fans and the APA community for this lapse in judgment and takes the opportunity to better understand why the gesture is offensive.”

Oh, tick, tock lil’ Miley. We hope you don’t wait until the year of the Tiger to do it.

Heavens to Mergatroid! Ashton Kutcher was forced to get out of bed at the ungodly hour of seven thirty am because of construction at his neighbor’s house. Unlike most of us who would just roll over and try to go back to sleep or do the unthinkable like get up at a normal time, Kooch grabbed his camera and went on a little hissy-poo fit calling his neighbor a jackass and dickweed. NIce!

This is my porch! Ohh, dem’s fighten’ words!

According to TMZ, the man who is building the house that caused Ashton Kutcher to melt down says the actor is acting “silly.” Especially because the city of L.A. allows him to start construction at 7:00 AM, and that Ashton “just doesn’t want to deal with reality.” The neighbor says Ashton, who called him a “dickweed,” a “jackass” and “owl feces cougar placenta,” is “out of line.” He also finds it somewhat ironic that the house Kutcher lives in was built over a ten year period and neighbors had to deal with the noise.

He adds Kutcher has been pleasant in the past but has complained, with Goldsmith telling him he “can’t do anything about the noise.” He’s been building the house for six months.

Apparently Koochmesiter felt bad for being a little bitch or took a nap because later in the day he puked this apology video up on you tube. We semi paid attention to it as he tries to convince us that he’s working on being more tolerant of his neighbors and has a mushy conversation with Demi over the phone.

whatever.

How in the world did Joey Fatone go from singing the lower registers and being ignored in favor of Justin Timberlake as a member of ‘NSync to interviewing defenseless celebrities at various red carpet events? And are there no workshops or classes that people like him could be required to take before they interview? Some certification? Interview CPR? Like parenting classes or driving school? Because, come on, the following interview with James Franco before this past Sunday’s SAG Awards, is squirm-worthy.

I mean, I know these interviews are fluff questions and such, but could Fatone not come up with any better question than “Was it difficult playing a homosexual?” Because not only is that question offensive to Franco and homosexuals everywhere, it is also played out and cliche. You almost expected the follow-up question to be “You kissed Sean Penn on the mouth, ew!” Which of course, is not a question. At least he didn’t follow up the stupid question with “Hey, I know Lance Bass!”

So Saturday Night Live is under fire again for one of its jokes …. this past weekend, during the “Weekend Update” segment, the show poked some fun at New York Governor David Paterson, and yes, part of that was some rather unoriginal jokes about him being blind. In case you had better things to do on Saturday night, here is a clip of the segment in question.

Okay, so lots of people have a problem with that, and I respect that. I am not blind and I don’t know anyone who is blind, so maybe I can’t really understand how that might make someone feel. And I personally, if someone is going to make fun of me for some aspect of who I am that I can’t change, then I would at least expect something more original than me holding a chart upside down or not knowing which way to face the camera? That is not even funny, SNL. And I notice that the segment really takes a lot of shots at New Jersey. (Again, not terribly original.) Also, it seems like they are taking more shots at Paterson having admitted to cheating on his wife, using cocaine, and being unprepared to take the office of governor.

I guess when it comes down to it, I figure that if it is okay (and necessary) for me to make fun of Saturday Night Live for not being particularly funny (and c’mon, SNL, Hugh Laurie deserved so much better) and if SNL can make fun of New Jersey for being …. New Jersey, then why can’t they also poke a little fun at the blind governor? But then again, I am an a-hole, so what do I know.

How very gracious of him! Lindsay Lohan’s former boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama, has stated that he approves of her relationship with Samantha Ronson. This is especially gracious of him, to step aside like this, because he and Lohan broke up a mere four years ago after less than a year together. What a big man!

Seriously, I guess it was nice of him to say this, considering all the scrutiny Lohan and Ronson have on their relationship, but what really gave him the occasion to say this? Hopefully some reporter on some red carpet just blurted it out and he didn’t call a press conference about it or anything. But why does anyone need anyone else’s approval on his or her current relationship? Why would Lindsay care what the dude that she dated when she was 18 years old thinks of who she is dating now?

Come on, media, stop looking for every little angle on the Lindsay/Samantha romance and stop “approving” or “disapproving” of other people’s relationships. That goes for you too, States of California, Arizona, Florida and Arkansas.

My completely unreasonable and unfounded fake internet celebrity feud continues as I report on this little tidbit about celebrity douchbag and bluesman John Mayer:

JOHN MAYER should brace himself for a furious showdown with on/off lover JENNIFER ANISTON, after telling PINK he only sleeps with “really stupid women”.

The feisty pop singer argued bitterly with lothario rocker John at a recent party after he made his outrageous comments to her.
Pink was so appalled by John’s wild sex claim, and his odd personality in general, she’s named him as her most hated celebrity.
She recalled: “I got into an argument with him.
“I don’t believe him as much as he believes him. He said something along the lines of, ‘I only shag really stupid women.’
“And I said, ‘I guess they would have to be.’ I don’t get him at all.”
And if that cutting comeback didn’t silence John, Jen’s enraged response surely will.

Actually, I don’t really agree with him on that one because I don’t think that Jennifer Aniston is stupid. I mean obviously, I don’t really know her at all, so she could be dumb as a stone, but she seems like a nice person and she once slept with Brad Pitt so she wasn’t dumb back then. But I do think in general that girls who sleep with a guy who would say something like that (especially to another woman) are kinda dumb or at least have some shaky self-esteem. And I think that guys who say crap like that deserve to have a ten-year dry spell and to have their asses kicked by the likes of Pink.

Aw, look who doesn’t have a sense of humor about himself. Good old Mark Mark (formerly of the Funky Bunch) has been in too many Academy Award-nominated movies and has produced too many Emmy-award winning television shows and lost his ever-lovin’ sense of humor in the process.

You see, on a recent episode of Saturday Night Live hosted by Anne Hathaway, everyone’s favorite digital shortmeister Andy Samberg does a skit where “Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals.” And he does a pretty good imitation of Walhberg and …. talks to animals. I thought it was a pretty funny skit in an episode that had several pretty funny skits. Here, check it out for yourself:

Funny, right? Maybe not old-school Saturday Night Live funny like The Bees or Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood or The Judy Miller Show. Heck, not even as funny as the “Narnia” digital short, or Natalie Portman as a gangsta rapper. But pretty funny for a toward-the-end-of-the-show sketch. But here’s what Mr. Walhberg had to say about it.

Someone showed it to me on YouTube. It wasn’t like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that’s for sure. And “Saturday Night Live” hasn’t been funny for a long time. They’ve asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don’t even know who’s on the show now.

Whatever, Marky Mark. You know you want to be in a digital short with Andy who must have a big old man crush on you if he’s willing to imitate someone who apparently has no sense of humor about himself. Either that or he was angling for a guest spot on Entourage and the whole thing massively backfired on him. Still, I suspect that Marky Mark actually has downloaded this video to his iPod and secretly watches it over and over, maybe silently crying for the days when he didn’t take himself so gosh darn seriously.

Naomi Campbell really needs to stuff a sock in it. Do supermodels even wear socks? Maybe she should stick a Prada bag or a Dolce scarf or whatever it takes to shut her up. Because while she is famous for being a supermodel and for hitting people with cell phones and that is okay, but invoking one of our nation’s biggest tragedies as the reason she got arrested for being a freaking idiot on plane? That is just stupid and insensitive. Sure, I get irritated when I have to take my shoes off to go through security in the airport, but I don’t invoke 911! I blame misdirected panic and ineffective security policies for that. And let me point out that when asked to remove my shoes, I don’t spit at the individuals asking me to do so. Most importantly, because it is gross and wrong, and also because I don’t have lots of money and lawyers who will keep me from ending p at Guantanamo Bay.

So after a day of watching football and drinking our weight in mimosas our brains are kind of numb. So in lieu of actually writing an entry we figured we’d do a sort of live blog of the MTV Video Music Awards. These awards don’t really require a ton of brain cells or sobriety to report on so let’s get it on.

7:38 - The preshow is on but I’m hungry so Thai food has won out. Good thing my DVR let’s me pause this crap.

8:00 - Brit- Brit is opening and thankfully she’s not performing. But unfortunately it’s a prerecorded skit with Jonah Hill that is bringing back unpleasant memories of 10th grade for me.

8:03 - Thankfully that’s over and it looks like the VMA’s are coming to us from a high school gym. Much better than the big arenas of before….That is until a Mad Max inspired clan of Zombies come out holding glowing pool noodles dancing to the musical stylings of Rhianna.

8:09- Our host is Russell Brand. Am I that out of touch that I have no idea who that is? Ok, it’s some random Brit with bad hair that likes to yell when he speaks. I’m already irritated I have a feeling live blog will be watched on fast-forward.

8:10 - Ok, this dude has assured us that he’s famous in the UK so I guess I’m not so out of touch that MTV didn’t feel the need to explain this choice to me. Oh and he comes out supporting Obama, edgy MTV although he seems kind of drunk.

8:15 - Jamie Foxx comes out and rambles on for what seems like forever. He’s announcing best female video and it goes to first time winner Britney Spears. That was neither planted nor calculated.

8:27 - Wow ladies and gents announcing the oldest woman at this year’s VMA’s Demi Moore wearing an outfit totally inappropriate for her. Best Male Video goes to Chris Brown. The only reason we know him is because we think he’s nailing Rihanna.

8:30 Hey look Taylor Swift is announcing the Jonas Brothers brothers. Hey look our DVR has a fast forward button. But before we fast forward this is performance is like Sesame Street had gay sex with Avenue Q and didn’t use a condom.

8:41 - Michael Phelps would so much rather be at the Raven’s game than here.

8:47 - Lindsay Lohan reads her cue card really fast because Samantha Ronson is waiting in the car.

8:52 You know what? I decided I’m way too old to even be watching this. In fact I’m getting a rash peace out. More power to you if you watched the rest of this crap.

Mark Schwahn is apparently the guy who came up with that show that no one I know watches, One Tree Hill. I don’t even know enough about him to know if he is a Trashy Celeb. Is he? Let’s find out together.

Well, judging from that photo, he does seem a little douchey. I mean, that hair? Come on. It is so very Peter Horton-1990-thirtysomething. That’s one point to “Trashy.” He also is responsible for putting that dork with three names Chad Michael Murray on television. Another point to “Trashy.” He also wasted 40 seconds of my time with the following YouTube video, touting the new season of One Tree Hill (which for some reason I keep confusing with Men in Trees even though I don’t know what that one is about either.) I have no idea what he is talking about here, but maybe you will:

So that is THREE points for Trashy, no points for Not Trashy. And what is up with that extra “H” in his last name? Okay that is FOUR points for Trashy. And since first to five wins, well, then there is no way Not Trashy is going to win. But from my less than five minutes of internet research on Mr. Schwahn, I have found one BIG point in the Not Trashy column …. he is responsible for getting the awesome Barry Corbin back on television. Barry Corbin! John Travolta’s Uncle Bob on Urban Cowboy! General Beringer from Wargames who offered to piss on a spark plug!

So here’s the wrap up …. Mark Schwahn is officially a Trashy Celeb. But he’s also redeemed because he’s a friend of Barry Corbin. Remember how Quentin Tarantino single-handedly revived John Travolta’s career with Pulp Fiction? Well, this is totally the poor man’s version of that. Welcome to continued success, Barry Corbin! At least on the CW!

Oh boy, we haven’t featured a Douche of the Week in a while and then we are just handed one that is so completely idiotic and douchey that we had to make him a Douche of the Month. I would have named him Douche of the Year, but then I am tempting fate for some even bigger asshole to pop up and do something even worse, and I don’t want that responsibility. Granted, a lot of this website depends on famous people doing stupid things, but this stupid thing isn’t just stupid, it’s hateful and insulting and hurtful and makes me want to kick Mr. Michael Savage right in his tiny little savages.

In case you are fortunate enough not to know who Savage is (and please don’t confuse him with the awesome sex-advice columnist Dan Savage) Michael Savage is a radio host and conservative political commentator. And today, he had this to say about autism:

In 99% of the cases, it’s a brat who hasn’t been told to cut the act out. That’s what autism is. What do you mean they scream and they’re silent?” Savage said last week in remarks that lit up the Internet over the weekend.

“They don’t have a father around to tell them, ‘Don’t act like a moron. You’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz.’”

What a guy! Insulting the people (mostly children) who in many cases can’t speak or communicate themselves. What’s next Savage, kicking puppies? Pinching kittens?

I can thank Savage for one thing though: giving me the exact language I would like to use on him: Mr. Savage, you are a brat. You need to cut the act out and stop being an hurtful idiot. Don’t act like a moron, you’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz.

And one more thing: Congratulations! You single-handedly brought back our Douche of the Week feature! Because you are a screamy, attention-whore jerk of a Douche!

Rapper P. Diddy has admitted to waxing his genitalia.

The musician, 38, claimed that it is important that men look after their bodies if they want to impress female lovers.

Speaking about his grooming regime, Diddy told the Daily Mail: “While I’m getting ready I like to relax with a drink - vodka and lemonade - and listen to some James Brown.

“Then I’ll have a manicure and pedicure - and yes, I wax as well. Men owe it to women to make sure they are well-groomed.”

He added: “I wax my privates. I also wear my fragrance, Unforgivable Black.”

I think I already used up my best joke in the title of this entry and honestly, I don’t want to think any more about P. Diddy’s privates to come up with another one. I don’t want to, but I will, because it is my job and I take my job very seriously! The business of discussing celebrity genital grooming habits isn’t just fun and games, people, this is serious business. You may think that the Trash Talkers just sit around cruising the internets and sipping vodka and lemonade champagne and making fun of celebrities who fall down, but this is a sweatshop, people. I only got three minutes for lunch today and only ate two saltines and a can of diet coke. AND THEN IT WAS BACK TO WORK. So stop taking us for granted people. We think about P. Diddy’s junk so that you don’t have to.