Trashy Celebs

The New York Post is reporting that Kevin Federline is going to be a baby-daddy again. Former girlfriend and mother of his two older children, Shar Jackson, is reportedly seven weeks pregnant with the Sperminator’s fifth child.

But there have also been rumors that The Fed and Britney are getting back together.

What sort of weird and twisted Brady Bunch crap is going on here? Sheesh.

Aw, apparently the rumor is not true. But I was still hoping for an updated, real-life version of the Brady Bunch, maybe with Cameron Diaz in the role of Alice.

Kevin Federline, Shar Jackson, Britney Spears

First Dallas Cowboy’s quarterback Tony Romo told American Idol girlfriend Carrie Underwood that he needed to “take a break” from their relationship to focus on the upcoming football season. But now there is speculation that they are not only staying together, but may get engaged. Apparently this rumor partly stems from reports that Underwood was seen trying on wedding gowns recently while choosing what to wear to the Country Music Awards in May.

I hope Romo isn’t this indecisive when he’s calling plays on the football field. I’m not much of a football fan, but according to Trash Talker/Football Fan Amy, Romo screwed up pretty bad last year in the playoffs. I also hope he doesn’t remain indecisive once he and Underwood have married. I mean, has he heard the words to “Before He Cheats”?

Carrie Underwood, Tony Romo, Before He Cheats, American Idol, Dallas Cowboys

I’m just an old geezer and I’m out of touch with what the kids today are listening to, but apparently this Akon guy is popular. So popular he can afford to throw away some fans. Check it out:

So is this a step up or step down from “dirty dancing with a 14 year old girl?” Either way, he better hire himself a good lawyer.

And after all this, I STILL don’t know what his songs are.

Akon, tosses fan, dirty dancing, underage fan

Just in case your summer television viewing schedule didn’t have enough ridiculous in it, along comes Drew Lachey to fill the gaps. Nick’s little brother will be hosting MTV’s Shower Power. According to E!Online, Shower Power is an American Idol like show featuring contestants singing in the shower.

Yes, singing in the shower. Did we learn nothing from VH-1’s Motormouth, a show that taped people singing in their cars? I think it was on for about 15 minutes. But I think what will really make the difference with this show is the celebrity involvement. Besides Lachey in the host role, the show will feature singer Mya and former Queer Guy Jai Rodriguez as “judges.”

Call me crazy, but I fear hosting this show might ruin all the credibility Drew Lachey earned from winning the second season of Dancing With the Stars. I mean, it’s not as bad as hosting the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, but it’s sure a few steps down from hosting the 2006 Miss USA Pageant, where his cohost was Nancy O’Dell from Access Hollywood. Who might be a cohost on a show featuring bathing? Hey maybe they can get Jessica Simpson? Surely she is still under contract with MTV? Someone call Joe Simpson!

Drew Lachey, Nick Lachey, Shower Power, Mya, Jai Rodriguez, Dancing with the Stars, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Miss USA Pageant, Nancy O’Dell, Access Hollywood, Jessica Simpson, Joe Simpson

Sometimes images cross our desk that demand attention based on their power, beauty or shear emotive genius. And then there are pictures like this one:

So what the F do you thinks going on here?

a) Music legend David Bowie and creator of the Office Ricky Gervais are staring in the summer blockbuster Schlumpy and Rex Manion Private Dicks.

b) H&M introduces its new line of “Before and After” menswear.

c) Bowie’s sexuality is so intense he was able to impregnate Gervais with just two fingers.

d) Gervais takes Bowie’s suggestion he try an XL t-shirt to heart.

e) David Bowie is about to solve the riddle of who ate the entire shrimp boat.

Or what the Friday do you think is going on here?

Ricky Gervais, David Bowie, H&M, shrimp boat

Hey look, another irrelevant celebrity got arrested over the weekend. David Faustino, whose main claim to fame was as Bud Bundy on the FOX show Married with Children was arrested early Saturday for being drunk in public. The 33-year-old actor was taken into custody in New Smyrna Beach, Florida when he was minding his own business along with yelling profanities at his ex-wife in the middle of an intersection.

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When searched police also found a bag containing about a gram of weed in Faustino’s pocket. He was booked and released to be forgotten until the question “Who played Al Bundy’s son?” comes up during a game of Trivia Pursuit - 90’s Edition.

David Faustino, arrested, drunk, Al Bundy, Bud Bundy, FOX, Married with Children, New Smyrna Beach, Florida, pot

Why should you just say no to drugs when you can choose to abuse them? Drugs are fun, they keep you thin, and can even make doing your taxes fun. So let’s explore recent drug fun with some super cool guys and gals.

First up is bug-eyed hottie Tom Sizemore. The Size-man was chillin’ and enjoying the warm California sun while off his nuts on crystal meth when some hateful policemen had to come and ruin the fun. Police found two bags of crystal and several pipes in his car but that was just for sharing. The more tweaked out people the better!

Across the Atlantic Too-Funky George Michael plead guilty yesterday to driving while under the influence of drugs.

The minor misunderstanding stems from an October 06 arrest of Michael while he took a little nap in his car, inconveniencing a few pesky drivers. Get with it people! He was being responsible by not driving while passed out. Give the man a break!

Let’s see what else. Oh yeah, our bud Lindsay isn’t backing down and being a follower by throwing those 12 steps out the window and doing coke in public. You blow, er go girl!

Tom Sizemore, crystal meth, George Michael, Lindsay Lohan, coke, cocaine, idiots

Well, they may try to make him go to rehab but Ty Pennington will just yell
“Welcome home, Johnson Family!” The hunky carpenter with a heart that is apparently bigger than his brain was arrested early Saturday morning in Los Angeles for suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol and drugs. Pennington posted his $5,000 bail and was released and has a court date of June 6. He later issued the following apology.

“I made an error in judgment. We all make mistakes, however this is about accountability. Under no circumstances should anyone consume alcohol while driving. I could have jeopardized the lives of others and I am grateful there was no accident or harm done to anyone. This was my wake-up call. I also want to apologize to my fans, ABC Television and my design team for my lapse in judgment and the embarrassment I have caused.�

The Trash Talkers suspect, however, that the arrest was just a ploy for Pennington to gain access to the Los Angeles jail system, where he is working on plans to provide the other occupants of the drunk tank with 17 flat screen televisions, two skateboard ramps, themed cells based around currently touring Broadway musicals, and a solarium.

Ty Pennington, DUI, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, ABC Television, Broadway, Rehab, Amy Winehouse

Supermodel Petra Nemcova threw a fund raising event recently, benefiting her charity Happy Hearts Fund. The Happy Hearts Fund supports underprivileged children in Asian countries who have survived disasters such as earthquakes or tsunamis. Nemcova herself is a survivor of a disaster, having been through the 2004 tsunami in Thailand. Beautiful AND philanthropic. Way to go, Petra! This concludes the “Bucket of Awesome” section of today’s entry.

In attendance at the fund raiser were Michael Douglas and wife Catherine Zeta-Jones. Aw! you might be thinking. How nice of them to do a little something to support the kids! But I’m afraid that begins the Douche of the Week portion of our entry. Apparently Douglas and Zeta-Jones made a quick tour through the party, posed for a picture with the above-praised Nemcova, and left, all within five minutes and without making a donation.

What the F, Mike and Cathy? Didja have a mini-film festival earlier in the day featuring Wall Street and Chicago? Maybe a few minutes of Romancing the Stone thrown in for good measure? Get a little too caught up in the memories of playing those selfish, greedy characters?

According to Douglas’ rep, the couple didn’t know the event was a fund raiser. Really, Mike and Cathy? Despite the buckets of money people donated? The video screens advertising the charity? The fricking invitation? Perhaps you’d better have a word with your rep. Apparently he or she would rather you look stupid than greedy.

Petra Nemcova, Happy Hearts Fund, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Wall Street, Chicago, Greed is Good

Today’s trashy celebrity news comes to us from northern Sweden, of all places, where local politicians have lodged a complaint against a commercial featuring Goldie Hawn, of all people.

I am really happy to find out that celebrities sometimes travel to far away places like Europe or Japan or Billings, MT in order to make commercials, because the rate of pay for famous people in the United States is just so freakin’ low. These people have families to feed! They have so many houses to maintain. They have bodyguards to support and charities and causes to attend to. They have politicians to endorse. They got bills, people! Bills!

Here’s what the problem with the ad seemed to be:

“It’s an ad where a young girl is really depressed because her boyfriend has just broken up with her. Goldie Hawn, who is an actress, encourages her to indulge in some comfort shopping.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t find this ad on youtube anywhere, because it must be freakin’ hysterical. Are things so bad in Sweden that they have to rely on the “depressed teenager” deomgraphic in order to stimulate the economy? What sort of ad agencies to they have in Sweden. And if “depressed teenager” is actually your target audience, is Goldie Hawn really ideal role model for that group? Wouldn’t a better choice be Lindsay Lohan or Britney Freakin’ Spears?

Whatever, I’m just happy that the youth of Sweden have been spared the embarrassment of over-shopping and early bankruptcy.

Goldie Hawn, retail therapy, shopping, Sweden, bankruptcy

The month of April is sending me a kickin’ goodbye gift with three wonderful stories that I swear I didn’t make up.

Eat your Beans with every meal

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First off, Hugh “Liz won’t blow me� Grant gets arrested in London for hurling a container of baked beans at a paparazzo. The actor “allegedly� kicked photographer Ian Whittaker three times as Whittaker attempted to photograph him near his west London home. Grant then got all Mickey Blue Eyes meets B&M and hurls some baked beans at ‘em slathering the photographer in a gooey mess. Not to be predicting anything but if Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason is any indication, Grant’s career is in the same predicament.

What it Feels Like to be an Ex-View Girl
Then Tyra Banks gets her grope-on with a honk-honk shout-out to Rosie O’Donnell. The best part is Rosie shoving Tyra away. Awww, Kelly gonna be jealous y’all!

The only thing that could make the end of my month even better is if the President could put the “white� back in White House with an awkward display of dance.

Sweeet!

Hugh Grant, Baked Beans, Tyra Banks, Rosie O’ Donnell, The View, President Bush

So I am an inattentive celebrity blogger because I didn’t even know that Drew Barrymore and Spike Jonze were a couple until I read today that they were spotted macking on each other in public like a couple of teenagers at the prom. I’m no prude, but since when is this acceptable adult behavior? Making out in a booth? And they were at the Sunset Tower Hotel. A hotel! If you are that worked up, get a damn room!

Most interesting to those of us who watch too much Oprah is that the Sunset Tower Hotel is apparently one of Sofia Coppola’s (Spike Jonze’s ex-wife) favorite spots. Passive aggressive much, Spike? Or maybe he’s still just trying to swipe back at her after Lost in Translation. Nice try, Spike, but that movie won an Oscar. You probably just ended up with a cold sore and a huge bar tab.

Or maybe the whole evening was just research for a new film, Being Drew Barrymore where viewers travel into the mind of a woman and find out what it’s like to kiss both Hugh Grant and Jimmy Fallon, not to mention smoke weed with the ex-future Mrs. Justin Timberlake.

Drew Barrymore, Spike Jonze, Sofia Coppola, Lost in Translation, Hugh Grant, Jimmy Fallon, Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake

According to People magazine, teen star Frankie Muniz has decided that he no longer wants to be an actor in movies and television shows that no one has heard of and instead will build a career as a professional race car driver on a racing circuit that no one has ever heard of.

Muniz apparently races as part of the Champ Car World Series (although the Trash Talkers were unable to find his name anywhere on the official website) and will participate in some race around downtown Las Vegas, which would only be awesome if it involved visiting $1.99 buffets and having showgirls as passengers in the car.

Apparently, though, things are not all grand in Muniz’ happy little fast-driving world. Rarely at home because of a punishing race schedule (?), his relationship with fiancee Jamie Gandy has been tested. “We’re still together, but we kind of took a step back for the racing purposes,” he said. “She’s doing her own thing and she wants to have her own life and not just follow me around the world. … I’m so happy when I’m with her, so we’ll see.” Trash Talkers translation: “We will soon be sleeping with other people.”

And on an unrelated, completely superficial note (is there any other kind on this blog?) doesn’t his mustache in the above picture just look like he’s been drinking chocolate milk? Someone get this boy a wet wipe already!

Frankie Muniz, Champ Car World Series, Las Vegas, chocolate milk mustache

On a chilly day in Hollywood yesterday Halle Berry received her star on Hollywood’s walk of fame. However Catwoman got more than she bargained for when someone in the crowd triple-dog-dared her to put her tongue on the freshly frozen concrete. Figuring she’d had her mouth on worse, Berry played along only to realize what many first graders had previously discovered - Tongue + Cold = Stick.

Much to her chagrin, Berry remained attached to her star for over six minutes when the crowd quickly dispersed to try and get a glimpse of Lindsay Lohan who was chewing a stick of gum a block away.

Halle Berry, Hollywood, Walk of Fame, Lindsay Lohan, gum, tongue

Trashy Celebs gets literal today, with a story about former Sex and the City star Cynthia Nixon and actual trash. According to the New York Daily News, Nixon was spotted digging through the trash in Riverside Park last week. Apparently she snagged a just-thrown-away empty ziploc bag in which to store her son’s half-eaten snack.

What the f, Cynthia Nixon? Are you researching a new role? Are you trying to guilt Sarah Jessica Parker into doing a Sex in the City movie? Have you just lost your f’n mind? Look, girl, I know we shouldn’t waste food and I know we should teach kids not to waste food, but when faced with the choice of throwing away a few crackers or half a peanut butter sandwich OR storing a child’s snack in something that was in a New York City trash can, I would go with tossing the food. Your hit show is in syndication and I’m sure you can afford to by him some hot nuts or a pretzel later on. Besides, it’s Naomi Campbell’s job to pick that trash up, not yours, so let her do her community service in peace, okay?

Cynthia Nixon, Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker, Naomi Campbell