Trashy Celebs

A video of Prince Harry has surfaced that was probably never meant to see the light of day. Taken on a recent trip to Namibia with his girlfriend Chelsy Davy and some friends, Harry is seen snorting vodka and cavorting drunkenly. One lucky friend even appears to be on the receiving end of a princely nipple lick. Sweet!

We haven’t been able to locate the clip online but according to News of the World in the video, pals cheer loudly as Harry slugs a bottle cap of vodka, swills it around his mouth, spits it back into the cap and then snorts it up his nose.

Seconds later, Harry—a 2nd Lieutenant in the Blue and Royals (British Army) —closes his eyes and shakes his head as the alcohol, shooting straight into his bloodstream, takes effect.

Apparently experts are concerned because vodka snorting is not the safest of past times: “Professor Ian Gilmore, president of the Royal College of Physicians, said: ‘There are all sorts of additives that could cause an allergic reaction which could damage the lungs, mucus membranes of the nose and trachea. It could kill.’ David Nott, who runs the Manor Clinic rehab centre and is a member of the Federation of Drug and Alcohol Professionals, said: ‘Anybody acting in this manner continually will do severe damage, which could be deadly.’ Frank Soodeen from Alcohol Concern added: ‘By by-passing the liver, you run the risk of inflaming the brain and possibly causing long-term damage. It’s a practice to be avoided at all costs. It’s very irresponsible.’”

So yeah, I can see how it’s bad that this kind of behavior by a public figure gets out and how kids who never thought to snort vodka might give it a go (shit, even in my self-destructive late teens I never thought of that), but we’re more concerned about something else. We’re worried about that level of straight-up douchey gay for play behavior. I mean come on if you’re going to put wine glasses on your man-tits and lick your friend’s nipples, at least set your Myspace page to private or don’t take pictures at all. At the very least, don’t trust a friend who was encouraging you to snort booze to not sell the pics to the press. Still, we’re happy we saw these pics because it totally takes some of the mystique of being a Brit-Royal away. We wonder what Helen F’in Mirren would say about this?

Prince Harry, Chelsy Davy, Snorting Vodka

What a dumbass. Ashton Kutcher, it seems, has punk’d himself right in the butt. CelebrityScoop (see quote below) is reporting information from Maxim that Kutcher left his cell phone in a cab while he was vacationing. Seriously, Kutch, did your mom not teach you to make sure you had everything with you before you got out of the car or off the bus or out of the plane or wherever, like my mom did? I ain’t never left my phone in a French cab anywhere. But more importantly, I DON’T KEEP NAKED PICTURES OF MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER OR MYSELF OR ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER on my cell phone. Cell phone cameras are for pictures of the dog, pictures of the cat, or pictures of interesting graffiti on bar restroom walls. (Or in one memorable case, a picture of a can of spotted dick that I saw in a SuperFresh store that I had to send to my sister because I am 12 years old.)

Another day, another scandal! It looks like we’re going to be seeing some Demi Moore naked pictures soon. According to Maxim Radio’s ‘The Manertainment Report’, Ashton Kutcher accidentally left his cell phone in a cab while he was on vacation back in April.

Lets just say the taxi driver got a bigger tip then he was expecting, Ashton’s cell phone happened to contain over 30 pictures of his wife Demi Moore nude, and now the French taxi driver is holding the phone hostage.

The driver is asking a $1 Million dollars in exchange for the phone, or he will sell the pictures. Did I mention Ashton is naked in some of the pictures too?

Oh man, you have to wonder about that conversation when he called home (I guess he had to go buy a new phone first, huh?) to tell the little missus about this one. I wonder if it was like that scene in National Lampoon’s European Vacation when Clark’s big old shoulder-held video camera is stolen by the guy in Italy who convinced them to take off their shoes and stand in the foundation and then Ellen asks him if he erased the tape that had her doing a striptease (and, it is implied, them having sex. The sex was only implied, you know, it was rated PG-13) and he says, “oh sure, honey, I erased that” and you, the viewer, have some idea he is lying but his trusting wife believes him and then later on they see a billboard advertising their homemade sex tape as an Italian porno and Ellen freaks the hell out and then hilarity ensues.

I bet it was just like that.

Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher cell phone, Punk’d, National Lampoon’s European Vacation

Poor, poor Katherine Heigl. She’s had a tough month. Not only did an announcer mispronounce her name during the Emmy Awards broadcast, but she has to wear invisible fancy braces AND she has to shop for a gosh-darn wedding dress. Life is rough for the actress who stars in Grey’s Anatomy AND who was named on of FHM’s “100 Sexiest Women in the World” not once but twice.

Why doesn’t she just get married in her Emmy dress and save some cash?

Katherine Heigl sure looks like she has a great smile but it turns out the picture perfect blonde wears Invisalign clear invisible braces! “I got them because of this wonky tooth. I was like, ‘OK, I can’t take it.’ It’s awesome because every two weeks you switch to a new retainer,” the Grey’s Anatomy star explains in the October issue of In Style. “Pretty much the perfect way to describe Invisalign is Netflix for your teeth.” Heigl also talked about finding a gown for her upcoming wedding to fiancé Josh Kelly. “My sister is getting married too, so we looked for dresses together. After about five stores I was like, ‘I’m done.’ Everyone says, ‘You just know when you put that dress on.’ My sister found the right dress just like that. So I know it can happen. But it’s grueling.”

The Emmy winner will have some help planning for her big day, she reveals. “I hired a planner. I want it to be fun. And I don’t want to freak out or stress.”

Katherine needs to look on the bright side. She’s best friends with a Power Gay, she’s about to marry a singer that no one is ever heard of, and she might even get named one of the 100 Sexiest Women in the World again.

And besides, I’m sure all the orchard workers, truck stop waitresses, and telephone customer service representatives have lots of sympathy for her grueling schedule of wedding dress shopping.

Katherine Heigl, Grey’s Anatomy, FHM, 100 Sexiest Women in the World

50 Cent lost major homeboy points this weekend while hanging out with Paris Hilton in Las Vegas for the MTV Video Music Awards. Look for more coverage tomorrow morning as we not-so-live blog the VMA’s.

50 Cent, Paris Hilton, MTV Video Music Awards

Being a slow celeb gossip day we once again unleashed our pug Muriel to comment on the Michael Vick trial. Yesterday Vick pled guilty and threw himself at the wolves, aka a judge, and admitted to charges of dog fighting. Since Vick is such a public figure, Muriel thought it appropriate to get the reaction of another celebrity who’s in tune with the pulse of man and dog, Star Jones’s Maltese, Pinkie.

Muriel: THANK YOU VERY MUCH PINKIE FOR BEING WITH US TODAY

Pinkie: YOU ARE VERY MUCH WELCOME MURIEL THE PUG

M: SO WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE VICK?

P: I DO BELIEVE THE VICK IS A VERY LARGE BASTARD THAT I WOULD LIKE TO BITE

M: YES, WE HAVE ESTABLISHED THAT THIS IS THE WISH OF MANY A DOG AND THAT THE VICK WOULD BE TASTING OF BASTARD.

P: VERY TRUE MURIEL. COME TO THINK OF IT HE PROBABLY TASTES 100 TIMES WORSE THAN THE STAR JONES WHO OWNES ME.

M: IS THAT SO? WHAT DOES THE STAR JONES WHO OWNES YOU TASTE LIKE. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE SHE TASTES VERY MUCH OF BRIE THAT HAS BEEN LOST IN THE COUCH CUSHION FOR FIVE WEEKS.

P: NO SHE DOES NOT TASTE OF THAT BUT YOU ARE VERY CLOSE MURIEL. EVER SINCE HER DIET SHE TASTES LESS OF THE BRIE AND MORE OF THE LAUGHING COW VARIETY OF OLD CHEESE. IT IS STILL NOT PLEASENT TO BITE HER BUT THE AL REYNOLDS IS VERY PLESEANT TO BITE. IMAGINE IF CALVIN KLEIN AND LADY GODIVA HAD A GAY LOVE CHILD. THAT IS WHAT THE AL REYNOLDS TASTES LIKE. IF YOU’D LIKE WE CAN BOTH GO AND BITE HIM NOW.

M: THAT SOUNDS VERY LOVELY TO ME. THIS IS THE END OF THE INTERVIEW.

Ok, yeah. We learned our lesson about letting some dogs discuss major news stories. I guess we should cancel our special coverage of the nation’s obesity crisis with guest coverage by DMX’s dogs.

DMX. Michael Vick, Star Jones, Calvin Klein

Here’s a little gem from last Friday’s Miss Teen USA pageant. Based on this performance, the Trash Talkers have no doubt that Miss South Caroline is a future Trashy Celeb, possibly on the Fox News Network.

But don’t you worry about her. She was still third runner up!

Miss Teen USA, Miss Teen USA 2007, Miss South Carolina 2007, Caitlin Upton

This sounds like something Steve Sanders would do, not Ian Ziering.

IAN ZIERING STIFFS VALET

Lousy tippers pay their bill, at least – but cheapo-creepo IAN ZIERING even ducked that to screw a working guy! The “Dancing with the Stars� contestant exited a posh BevHills hotel, handed the valet a $20 bill and said: “Thanks a lot.� After getting in his car, Ziering asked for change of $15. Since the fee’s $5, the miffed valet realized he was getting zip for a tip – so he handed Ziering’s $20 bill back to him and said: “Here, you keep it…you need it more than me.� Super-cool with stiffing the poor stiff, Ziering burbled: “Are you sure? Hey, thanks a lot!�…and drove off in his luxury whip.

Come on Ian! Learn something from Mr. Perfect Hair, the “highly ethical” Brandon Walsh and don’t forget to tip your server, bartender, barber, barista, mail carrier, dog groomer, cable installer, and valet, especially when they can rat you out to the tabloids!

Tip to valet=$5. Shiny perfect Dancing With the Stars reputation? Priceless.

Ian Ziering, Dancing with the Stars, Beverly Hills 90210, 90210, Brandon Walsh, Steve Sanders, Jason Priestly, stiffing the valet

Former Full House star Jodie Sweetin and her enormous breasts married some dude named Cody Herpin this past weekend in Las Vegas, according to the Las Vegas Sun. This is the second marriage for Sweetin, who previously had a four-year marriage with a Los Angeles police officer. (A police officer? That must have been awkward after her addiction to methamphetamine was revealed.)

If my hazy TV memory serves me correctly, I was a rather devoted viewer of Full House even though I hated it with a passion. I do prefer the grown-up-and-snarky version of Sweetin on Fuse’s Pants Off, Dance Off — a gig that makes me fell less dirty for having noticed that little Stephanie Tanner now has enormous breasts. How rude!

Mazel Tov to the happy couple. And even though the Enquirer is reporting that they have only known each other a few weeks (and implying that this relationship could in no way last), you crazy kids might make it. Lots of solid, long-lasting relationships begin in Vegas Strip wedding chapels. Just ask Britney Spears!

Jodie Sweetin, Full House, Cory Herpin, Stephanie Tanner, Pants Off Dance Off, Jodie Sweetin Marriage

“Wahoo! The Spice Girls are reuniting!” Cried 1996 after going on a decade-long bender with Dolly the cloned sheep. “Did you hear it Dolly, is it true?” stammered 1996, “Melanie “Sporty Spice” Chisholm, Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton, Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown, Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell, and even Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham are to reunite for 11 concerts around the world in December and January?”

“Yes it’s true,” we replied. And from the looks of things they’ll now be known as the Spice Women, spreading their message of disjointed wardrobe choices and uncomfortable shoes throughout the world.”

“Baaaaaah(2)” agreed Dolly waking up the Macarena who was mumbling into a peach daiquiri a few seats down. “Eh, esi, quit your bleating and get me some nachos,” said the Macarena. “And tell me when Boys II Men gets here, they owe me 20 bucks.”

Spice Girls, Macarena, Dolly, 1996

Okay, so rock stars aren’t always known for stability and pristine mental health, especially rock stars whose biggest hit involves refusing to be admitted to a rehabilitation facility (no! no! no!). But check out this excerpt from a Spin magazine interview with Winehouse, as reprinted by US Magazine:

In the new issue of Spin, Winehouse, 23, is in rare form (which is not that rare for her), letting the naughty words fly, taking “long bathroom breaks� during the photo shoot, and later checking her nose in a shard of broken mirror.

Then, during the photo shoot, “she stands against the wall, flashes popping as she gently carves ‘I LOVE BLAKE’ onto her bare stomach with that shard of mirror,” in honor of husband Blake Fielder-Civil.

But she seems aware that she’s a bit nutso. Perhaps a little too aware?

On why she writes:
“I write songs because I’m f—ked in the head and need to get something good out of something bad…I thought, ‘F—k, I’m going to die if I don’t write down the way I feel. I’m going to f—king do myself in.’ It’s nothing spectacular.�

And one more interesting quote. If she really isn’t interested in attention, why does she do all this crazy stuff?

On being a celebrity:
“I don’t care. I don’t care about any of this, and I don’t have much of an opinion of myself. I don’t think people care about me, and I’m not in this to be a f—king role model…I don’t think I’m such an amazing person who needs to be written about. And if I did, I’d be a f—king c—t, wouldn’t I?�

Don’t get me wrong. I really like her album, Back to Black. I think it’s great. But I have to admit, I am a little scared of Amy Winehouse herself, if for no other reason than she can out-curse me by a long shot. Damn!

Amy Winehouse, US Magazine, Spin, Amy Winehouse Spin interview, Back to Black

Ok, rant time people. First up this 1980 Rolling Stone cover is one of the most poignant, iconic images of all time. We all know the story of how it was shot by Annie Liebovitz the day John Lennon was murdered and that makes it all the more haunting and reverent.

And then there’s this.

According to the moviefone synopsis Chuck (Dane Cook) has a rep for being the guy women sleep with before meeting Mr. Right. That means tons of sex and no strings. Not a bad deal, until he meets his dream girl (Jessica Alba) — and can’t sleep with her.

Not only is one of the most original magazine covers of all time parodied for some predictable Rom-Com, we have to look at Dane Cook dry humping Jessica Alba (who looks like she’s dreaming of being in a different movie).

I really don’t have anything else to say about this other than I’m mad at Photoshop for helping to create this and I wanted to share my outrage.

Lori - at least he’s wearing underwear.

Dane Cook, Jessica Alba, Annie Liebovitz, Rolling Stone, John Lennon, Good Luck Chuck

Just when you thought it was safe to stop thinking about the Sopranos finale, Hillary Clinton and the Pittsburgh Pirates pull you back in.

In a Six Feet Under half-life I too had forgotten about the debatable ending to the Sopranos. I myself thought it was brilliant and happy to let it go after a week or so of debate. But here we are 10 days later and the parodies have begun. First we have Hillary Clinton who actually brought the funny back to political advertising with this.

Ok, pretty cool she got Johnny Sack to show up for this but did she have to bring Celion Dion into the mix? It’s like what do an open bar, getting to second base with Angelina Jolie and having your toenails pulled off with pliers have in common? Well the first two are pretty damn awesome and the last one sucks more ass than getting to second base with Dick Cheney. Lady lose the Dion, win my vote.

The second Sopranos parody is a little more obscure. In attempts to make their fans forget the team is in last place, The Pittsburgh Pirates created this little ditty.

No, that’s not Groucho Marx impersonating Mr. Potato Head, it’s a pierogie. Those two are part of PNC Park’s nightly pierogie race yet another distraction from the fact the Pirates have had 14 straight losing seasons. And I always thought starches could parallel park.

Where does the National Enquirer get this stuff?

SIMON COWELL BATHES IN TOMATO SOUP

SIMON COWELL – seems the “Idolâ€? genius spends hours soaking naked in a fab Fountain of Youth concoction he calls “Tomate Cerise!” Simon orders Italian cherry tomatoes flown in from Europe, smashes them to pulp in a big bucket – then pours the bright-red goop into a bathtub filled with Perrier water!

Simon says the tomato enzymes not only eradicate age spots and keep the skin looking young – they even jazz up the metabolism.

My Spy says his housekeepers aren’t happy about swabbing pureed goo out of the master tub, and keep muttering stuff like “damn tomato soup!�

After I read this all I could think about was that episode of the Brady Bunch where they had to wash Tiger in tomato juice after he tangled with a skunk. (I think that happened on the Brady Bunch. If it didn’t, it should have, as the whole “pet or child has run-in with skunk, bathes in tomato juice” was a staple in American television comedy scripts for a while.)

Like much of what I read in the Enquirer, I originally wrote this Simon-tomato soup story off as bullshit. But then I saw the above picture ….. that lapel pin? Looks sort of like a tomato, doesn’t it? Hmmmm. Suddenly, I crave a grilled cheese sandwich.

Simon Cowell, American Idol, tomato soup, Brady Bunch, skunks, grilled cheese sandwich

I don’t know who the hell Audrina Patridge is but according to the National Enquirer she is something of a bitch to her fans. Fans? Is that the correct term? I don’t know who or what she is so I don’t know if this was a fan or just some poor dumb guy.

Audrina Patridge and her nasty attitude!

Over at Hyde, we spotted Audrina Patridge from “The Hillsâ€? acting loud with a bunch of pals. We were none to impressed when a young man, who’d worked up enough courage to ask her to dance, was met with a stuck-up bitch-styled “Uh…Noâ€? after she looked at her friends and laughed. Mind your manners, Audrina.

A little internet research tells me that The Hills is another fine offering from MTV somehow related to Laguna Beach. I am a million years old and remember when MTV played music, so I have no idea what these shows are all about. But Audrina Patridge should know that being bitchy to fans will get you mentioned in the gossip pages, but if you don’t make sure that you’re famous first, you won’t get labeled a diva, just a jerk.

Audrina Patridge, The Hills, Laguna Beach, MTV, National Enquirer

The New York Post is reporting that Kevin Federline is going to be a baby-daddy again. Former girlfriend and mother of his two older children, Shar Jackson, is reportedly seven weeks pregnant with the Sperminator’s fifth child.

But there have also been rumors that The Fed and Britney are getting back together.

What sort of weird and twisted Brady Bunch crap is going on here? Sheesh.

Aw, apparently the rumor is not true. But I was still hoping for an updated, real-life version of the Brady Bunch, maybe with Cameron Diaz in the role of Alice.

Kevin Federline, Shar Jackson, Britney Spears