Trashy Celebs

Normally I am not all shocked and appalled by stupid celebrity behavior and stupid celebrities who need to get over their damn selves. I just laugh, unless it is something truly criminal or immoral. But here I am breaking the norm a bit because I am taking this one a little bit personally. Little Disney-bot Miley Cyrus and her alter-ego Hannah Montana have taken a swipe (albeit a weak, ineffectual one) at my favorite band, the supremely awesome Radiohead.

Apparently, Radiohead is Hannah Montana’s favorite band (doubtful) and the reason she “loves music” (that’s a laugh) is now NOT her favorite band anymore and she is TOTALLY going to tell her Dad they were mean to her and he is going to give them ALL achy-breaky hearts! So there!

Now how did this all come about? Well if you watched the Grammy Awards (and who didn’t?) then you know that both Miley (yawn) and Radiohead (sweet). And apparently Miley wanted to meet the band so she “extended an invitation.” And since Radiohead probably doesn’t know/care who the hell she is and they were there to, y’know, put on an awesome and creative performance for the audience both in the theater and watching on television, well, they choose to decline. And Miley (Bruce Jenner) turned into Hannah (The Hulk) and now she is trying to SMASH!

“The reason I’m in this business is to make people happy,” she said, implying that Radiohead aren’t. She added, “I left ’cause I was so upset. I wasn’t going to watch. Stinkin’ Radiohead! I’m gonna ruin them, I’m going to tell everyone.”

I’m sure Radiohead are all tuning up their resumes in anticipation of their careers ending any day now. Is Starbucks hiring?

Elizabeth Hasselbeck and I might agree on a little bit of something and that actually frightens me a bit. I mean, she’s on The View so it is her job to give her opinions on things and generally I don’t agree with her and that is all fine but I can kind of, a little bit, see her point on this one. Thankfully, it is not a political opinion or an opinion on why gay people can’t get married, so while it scares me, it’s not something I am ashamed of.

See, like Hasselbeck, I think the Wii Fit is kind of mean too. The Trash Talkers have one, and we get it out at parties and such sometimes to show off to our friends how mean it is. (It gave my Mii a muffin top, people.) I don’t like when you step on it and it says “OH!” and Amy has threatened to sell it in eBay. Hey, Hasselbeck is apparently going to trade hers in for a Playstation 3. Maybe she’ll buy us one too!

Traveling is hard y’all! It makes all of us cranky and frustrated, even in the best of circumstances! It’s crowded and people try to bring too much crap onto the plane, and even after all these years of the “no liquids” rule, there is always some dumbass trying to bring in a big ole bottle of water or can of gasoline or something.

So really, we should all be more sympathetic of poor Lindsay Lohan and her trials and tribulations when traveling. Who amongst us hasn’t wanted to pitch a fit when there were just no more seats in first class? Our asses are too precious for coach class! The airline finally understood how they were in the wrong for selling that seat to, ou know, some regular person who happened to buy tickets ahead of time. Probably got to the airport early, checked their bags, had only one small carry-on bag, and didn’t pitch a hissy fit like a damn baby when things didn’t go exactly their way. But you know, I am just speculating here.

How in the world did Joey Fatone go from singing the lower registers and being ignored in favor of Justin Timberlake as a member of ‘NSync to interviewing defenseless celebrities at various red carpet events? And are there no workshops or classes that people like him could be required to take before they interview? Some certification? Interview CPR? Like parenting classes or driving school? Because, come on, the following interview with James Franco before this past Sunday’s SAG Awards, is squirm-worthy.

I mean, I know these interviews are fluff questions and such, but could Fatone not come up with any better question than “Was it difficult playing a homosexual?” Because not only is that question offensive to Franco and homosexuals everywhere, it is also played out and cliche. You almost expected the follow-up question to be “You kissed Sean Penn on the mouth, ew!” Which of course, is not a question. At least he didn’t follow up the stupid question with “Hey, I know Lance Bass!”

Well this is another one of those stories that is likely to be complete and utter bullshit but I feel compelled to comment on it anyway, because it is ridiculous and because of the very, very, very slight chance that it might be true. Apparently America’s favorite hoosier, Britney Spears, is on a hunger strike … sort of.

Now my understanding of a hunger strike means that you ….don’t eat at all until you get whatever it is you want. In this case, Britney wants her father to butt out of her crazy-ass business and wants him to be removed as conservator of her estate. So what is she doing? She has stopped eating! Except for lunch!

So, this is some crazy-ass Britney Spears antics right here because calling it a hunger strike when you are still picking up some McDonalds or Taco Bell for lunch isn’t really a hunger strike. It’s sort if like vegetarians who still eat chicken or sober people who only drink “lite beer.” I used to know this guy who would fast for one Catholic holiday or another and he would sort of make a big deal about fasting and then I would see him eating lunch. And when I asked about his fast, he would say, “Oh it was just a light lunch,” which indeed may have been the case …. but that doesn’t mean you are fasting. And frankly, I don’t care if you fast or not, or if Britney is on a hunger-strike or not. Not my business. But don’t tell me you aren’t eating …. and then eat.

Poor Britney. She’s trying to take control of her life (and heading toward an eating disorder). And people (including Mr. Spears) are just gonna go, “What? Hunger strike? I just saw her eating Chik-Fil-A.”

So Saturday Night Live is under fire again for one of its jokes …. this past weekend, during the “Weekend Update” segment, the show poked some fun at New York Governor David Paterson, and yes, part of that was some rather unoriginal jokes about him being blind. In case you had better things to do on Saturday night, here is a clip of the segment in question.

Okay, so lots of people have a problem with that, and I respect that. I am not blind and I don’t know anyone who is blind, so maybe I can’t really understand how that might make someone feel. And I personally, if someone is going to make fun of me for some aspect of who I am that I can’t change, then I would at least expect something more original than me holding a chart upside down or not knowing which way to face the camera? That is not even funny, SNL. And I notice that the segment really takes a lot of shots at New Jersey. (Again, not terribly original.) Also, it seems like they are taking more shots at Paterson having admitted to cheating on his wife, using cocaine, and being unprepared to take the office of governor.

I guess when it comes down to it, I figure that if it is okay (and necessary) for me to make fun of Saturday Night Live for not being particularly funny (and c’mon, SNL, Hugh Laurie deserved so much better) and if SNL can make fun of New Jersey for being …. New Jersey, then why can’t they also poke a little fun at the blind governor? But then again, I am an a-hole, so what do I know.

Oy. So according to a Gallup/Harris poll released Monday, 37 percent of American citizens can’t identify their home country on a map of the United States. Sure it was only 1400 people surveyed and they were all Two and a Half Men fans but c’mon! If you know where the five closest McDonalds are you really shouldn’t think your country is located in the map’s legend. I shit you not, check it!

Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security sees the Gallup/Harris poll results as a blessing in disguise. According to Secretary Michael Chertoff, the nation would be better off if these numbers skewed even higher.

According to the Huffington, Post Chertoff said, “Personally, I believe if fewer people in this world could spot America on a map, we’d have a much better chance of avoiding national tragedies like 9/11. You can’t attack a country you can’t find.”

What Chertoff didn’t realize was that 98.5% of terrorists have absolutely no problem identifying America on a map. In fact, they too can locate the five closest McDonalds to their attack destination. (those freakin’ McNuggets are just too damn tantalizing!)

If that’s not embarrassing enough, The White House yesterday released a very Barney Christmas video on the internets. President Bush, when not having footwear chucked at his melon, looks to have potential as a sitcom actor. Too bad Laura, Barbara, Jenna and her hubby had to lay a big old stink bomb on the thing. Check it out in all its Technicolor creepiness.

We really don’t think Barney would be having daydreams about Olympic gold unless there was a reward of human flesh at the end. And Micheal Phelps, really I thought you were better than that. Or maybe I didn’t.

My completely unreasonable and unfounded fake internet celebrity feud continues as I report on this little tidbit about celebrity douchbag and bluesman John Mayer:

JOHN MAYER should brace himself for a furious showdown with on/off lover JENNIFER ANISTON, after telling PINK he only sleeps with “really stupid women”.

The feisty pop singer argued bitterly with lothario rocker John at a recent party after he made his outrageous comments to her.
Pink was so appalled by John’s wild sex claim, and his odd personality in general, she’s named him as her most hated celebrity.
She recalled: “I got into an argument with him.
“I don’t believe him as much as he believes him. He said something along the lines of, ‘I only shag really stupid women.’
“And I said, ‘I guess they would have to be.’ I don’t get him at all.”
And if that cutting comeback didn’t silence John, Jen’s enraged response surely will.

Actually, I don’t really agree with him on that one because I don’t think that Jennifer Aniston is stupid. I mean obviously, I don’t really know her at all, so she could be dumb as a stone, but she seems like a nice person and she once slept with Brad Pitt so she wasn’t dumb back then. But I do think in general that girls who sleep with a guy who would say something like that (especially to another woman) are kinda dumb or at least have some shaky self-esteem. And I think that guys who say crap like that deserve to have a ten-year dry spell and to have their asses kicked by the likes of Pink.

Naomi Campbell really needs to stuff a sock in it. Do supermodels even wear socks? Maybe she should stick a Prada bag or a Dolce scarf or whatever it takes to shut her up. Because while she is famous for being a supermodel and for hitting people with cell phones and that is okay, but invoking one of our nation’s biggest tragedies as the reason she got arrested for being a freaking idiot on plane? That is just stupid and insensitive. Sure, I get irritated when I have to take my shoes off to go through security in the airport, but I don’t invoke 911! I blame misdirected panic and ineffective security policies for that. And let me point out that when asked to remove my shoes, I don’t spit at the individuals asking me to do so. Most importantly, because it is gross and wrong, and also because I don’t have lots of money and lawyers who will keep me from ending p at Guantanamo Bay.

If you ever get booked on the David Letterman show and you are running for President, then DO NOT cancel on him at the last minute with some lame excuse about “saving the economy” and then show up a few minutes later talking to Katie Couric. I mean really!

While promoting her new fragrance “Velvet Hour,” Kate Moss revealed that her 5-year-old daughter loves the smell of gasoline. Apparently little Lila Grace loves it so much that whenever she and mum are at the gas station, Kate leaves the car door open so that Lila can get her fix. I guess sniffing things runs in the Moss family. Ooh burn!

Kate went on to say: “I’ve heard it is one of the most preferred scents in the world — maybe that’s something to study for my next fragrance.”

When I was a kid I used to sniff my dog’s tail and our orange shag carpet but then my mom made me stop cause it’s freaking nasty.

Really? Really Kate Moss? While you’re at it why not create au de Glue in paper bag and parfume de Sharpie Magic Marker? Yes, Gas smells kinda good in a weird way btw, it kills brain cells ya Mo-Mo!

I generally don’t consider politicians or government officials to be celebrities, trashy or not, (and yes, I include Obama in this “non-celebrity” category) but here are a couple of videos from the freakin’ awesome opening ceremonies of the 2008 Olympics that are too good to pass up. (And if you didn’t see the opening ceremonies, I suggest you find a friend who tivo-ed them, because god damn, do the Chinese know how to put on a show.)

Here’s President Bush, waiting for the entrance of the United States team during the Parade of Nations. Note the respect of the American flag.

Here’s President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush, also during the Parade of Nations.

I will admit, I fast-forwarded during the Parade a few times, or got up for a soda, or surfed around on my computer. The Parade is long, and while I certainly agree that every team deserves their moment, I also agree that it is okay to be a little bored during it. But why does the director have to cut to the Bushes at the moment when they BOTH are checking their watches? It seems that the world already has a negative enough opinion of the United States, why does something like this have to make in on to international television and make us look worse? I mean, I may have been checking my watch or slumping in my seat, but I was not being broadcast around the world for all to see. At least, not to my knowledge. Perhaps Trash Talker Amy has installed some hidden cameras around here that I am not aware of. If any of y’all see me on You Tube, let me know!

Hello Cherished Readers! Your Trashy Talker Lori is in a bit of a foul mood today due to some stupid and annoying shit that you all don’t want to hear about. (Because in addition to being stupid and annoying it is also boring to anyone else but me.) So in an effort to try and cheer myself up a bit, I went out searching the internet far and wide for the most ridiculous, inane piece of celebrity news I could find. And I didn’t have to go far … a quick hop over to the National Enquirer gave me this gem:

JOHNNY DEPP’S BREAKFAST CLUB

JOHNNY DEPP was decked out in loads of Jack Sparrow-like bracelets and trinkets when he arrived at the Downtown L.A. eatery Pacific Dining Car at one in the morning on July 9.

He and his buddy got a little rowdy over their shared stack of pancakes, but the place was nearly empty – and no one seemed to mind.

I know that the National Enquirer really isn’t known for journalistic integrity or for printing stories that have been verified by, well, anyone. But I have to say that this one has to be true, byt the mere fact that it is completely and totally lame. Who gives a crap that Johnny Depp shared a stack of pancakes with a buddy, except maybe his nutritionist? Not me! Someone on the Enquirer staff showed up with a hangover and sent out a disinterested intern to get a story and that’s what he or she came back with. Johnny Depp eatin’ pancakes and yelling! And they didn’t even get us a picture? We don’t know what sort of syrup he prefers! Does he put butter between all the layers of pancakes or just on the top? Did he order bacon too? Did they cut the stack in half or did Johnny take the top three and his friend took the bottom three? There are a lot of facts missing here! Just like the Enquirer to skip out on all the relevant details.

Shia LaBeouf pulled a big LaOpps when he rolled his car in Hollywood in the wee-hours of Sunday morn, injuring himself and a couple other people. A spokesperson for the L.A.P.D. says it was clear to officers who responded to the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated, and he was subsequently arrested. but amazingly enough, will not be booked on felony DUI charges (although he’ll be cited on suspicion of DUI whatever that means).

Seriously? One Trashy Celebs writer lost control of her car last month and crashed into a guard rail and still had to go to court for damaging city property. No one was injured, minus the front part of a jeep and there was no drinking involved. We think this is LaRidiculous that Shia isn’t still in the drunk tank awaiting charges. How many more times does he have to be arrested before he’s tossed in rehab? Chicks have it so much harder. It seems like Lindsay Lohan can slip on a grape at Whole Foods and then be arrested for drunken disorderly conduct but I’ll be the LaBeouf will pull something like this a few more times before anyone even suggests he has a problem. But I digress.

In other news that is probably a week old, we saw Mama Mia yesterday and boy does Pierce Bronson’s voice stink. Take a listen for yourself.

In the theater we were in, the whole place started cracking up every time Remington Steele busted out a tune. Yikes! Despite his rusty pipes, we really liked the campy cheese that was Mama Mia. Meryl Streep is amazing in everything and it looked like she was having a blast during the whole thing.

Thanks for the “Well, DUH!” statement, Kim Cattrall. Unfortunately I know that there are idiot parents out there who will let their young, impressionable teens see movies like this and then will blame said movies when their little darlings start wearing skanky clothes and overpriced shoes.

Kim Cattrall: ‘don’t Let Kids Watch Sex And The City’….

Sex And The City star Kim Cattrall has issued a warning to parents across the world - urging them not to let their kids watch the hit TV show or its new big-screen adaptation.

Cattrall’s comments comes after 15-year-old teen sensation Miley Cyrus admitted to being a fan of the Hbo series - and the 51-year-old is disturbed to hear that some parents have been letting their young daughters watch Sex and the City: The Movie.

Not-so-hidden message from Kim Cattrall … “You parents are fools.” And I agree. Parents should not let their kids see bad movies like Sex and the City because of the badly recycled plotlines and overdone montage scenes. They shouldn’t be subjected to a movie phoned in by some writers looking to cash in the popularity of a fairly decent TV show that should have been allowed to end back when …. it ended. They shouldn’t see actors still playing characters that they will never, ever be able to shake anyway. And they shouldn’t be subjected to nearly two and a half damn hours of it. And oh, they shouldn’t see the couple of fairly graphic sex scenes either. But I think it’s worse to insult their intelligence and cultural interests with a crappy movie. But that’s just me.

Kim Cattrall, Sex and the City