Trashy Celebs

Nicole Richie and boyfriend Joel Madden have announced that they are expecting their second child.

I have to say, I am a little worried. I don’t think Nicole has lost the baby weight from her last pregnancy.

Last year’s Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show best in show winner was arrested moments before this year’s contest was to commence. The New York police department announced that Uno, last year’s top beagle, was being investigated for allegedly assaulting an unidentified bitch the night before. Uno turned himself in to authorities and was briefly held before posting $50,000 bail Sunday night, dog house records showed.

Details are sketchy at this point but insiders say that Uno and longtime companion Cheerio the Pomeranian, were both slated to be lead around by large women in comfortable shoes last night. However, both separately dropped out at the last minute. The victim of Uno’s alleged assault wasn’t immediately identified, but other Westminster competitors volunteered tails of abusive behavior and unrelenting butt sniffing from the beagle towards Cheerio.

Brando, a Dougue e Bordeaux, who’s close to Uno spoke to the press inside the Pennsylvania hotel near Madison Square Garden late yesterday.

“Ever since taking Westminster last year, Uno’s been a little out of control. I accompanied him to a frat party at the University of South Carolina last November where he proceeded to get totally wasted, taking bong hit after bong hit. It’s a good thing no one had opposable thumbs, much less a cell phone to document his behavior.”

“Maybe this will serve as a wake-up call,” said the hulking dog before retreating to his room to chew on a squeaky yellow duckie.

Fallout from the arrest has already begun. Wrigley has reportedly dropped their Doublemint gum sponsorship with Uno as has Snasauges.

So far no one from the Cheerio camp has spoken out on the incident but it’s reported the Pom is headed back to the Bahamas to spend time with family.

Bill O’Reilly is a gay homosexual! It must be true, because I read it on the Internets! And not just on the Internets, but on the very own Fox News Twitter account! And since Bill O’Reilly is on the Fox News and has a show there then it must be true that Bill O’Reilly is a good old pillow biter! And it doesn’t matter that when I read it on the very own Fox News Twitter Account that Bill O’Reilly’s name was spelled wrong! I mean, that doesn’t mean anything! Ole Bill is smoking the pole and finally decided to tell the world about it! He was so excited that he forgot he was referring to himself in the third person and he forgot momentarily how to spell is name. Yeah! It’s totally true, people!

Or, you know, celebrity Twitter accounts are being hacked by 13-year old boys with typical 13-year old boy senses of humor. Sheesh. Get a new insult, kids.

Bored with his princely duties of doing prince-stuff like attending royal things and wearing National Socialist German Workers’ Party garb to social events, ginger-fox Prince Harry has decided to throw his crown into the acting ring. First up for the prince is a staring role in a remake of the 1985 classic Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment.

The plot goes something like this. Carey Mahoney and his fellow misfit cops, the nerdy guy, the guy who makes funny noises, the crazy ex-military guy and the short black lady with the tiny voice until she yells “don’t move dirt bag” have now graduated from the police academy, and are ready to start going after real criminals. Their assigned precinct just happens to have the city’s highest crime rate, and is under the command of a bumbling Captain. Hijinkes ensue when a local gang of hooligans and their leader, Zed (originally portrayed by that guy who yell-mumbled through Police Academy sequels and Whoopi Goldberg movies - Bobcat Goldthwait) take over the town.

It’s up to Mahoney and his fellow graduates to save the day but they’ll have to get through Mauser, a lieutenant at the precinct, who doesn’t want to see them succeed. 90 minutes and countless masturbation and gay jokes later, Mahoney and his friends plot an appropriate revenge on Mauser while they go after Zed and his gang. Oh and the short black lady yells, “don’t move dirt bag.”

No word on when shooting takes place but as this photo shows, there was an open casting call in London yesterday for the role of Zed along with a few supporting roles.

Once again, Colin Farrell is throwing himself one hundred percent into a new role as a greasy longhaired, douchebag with a heart of gold, bad boy with a heart the size of an elephant, rough around the edges man who still wins the heart of the beautiful rich naive girl, dude who will beat someone with a phone one minute then cuddle a small child a minute later, hard drinking fighter who still serves as best man at his gay brother’s wedding, maker of homemade sex tapes leaked to the internet who buys a homeless man clothes and an apartment.

Wait, what’s that? Really? Oh, oops! My bad. I mean, when I saw that picture, I just assumed. But apparently that was just his appearance at the 3rd Rome International Film Festival. Never mind.

When did Justin Timberlake join the LPGA?

As if we need another reason. Oh yes, it’s been a glorious week of shameful displays for the elephant folks. From Palin getting booked at a Hockey game in Philly to some really racist d-bags outside a McCain rally on youtube, you’d think I’d be too full of hate to take on any more hate. And then there’s this.

In an upcoming issue of TV guide (people still read that?) Tina Fey said she’ll be “done” if John McCain and Sarah Palin win the election next month. Ok,Ok, no need to panic, we’re not sure what she’ll be done from. Will it be done from doing double duties of 30 Rock and SNL, will she be done from show biz, no it can’t be that. But no, it’s much worse.

Her hotness said, “We’re gonna take it week by week. If she wins, I’m done. I can’t do that for four years. And by ‘I’m done,’ I mean I’m leaving Earth.”

Exquease me? Earth? If Sarah Palin becomes VP, Tina Fey, the only reason to have a 1080i TV, would leave the freaking planet. Way to go Republi-dicks!

Listen up fuckers who feel weird voting for the young guy or the black guy or the Muslim or whatever other crap you think. I can’t have Tina Fey leaving the planet and neither can you. If that happens you’ll have packs of pissed off lesbians, McSweeny readers and boys in girl jeans rioting in the streets demanding a recount. I will organize the phonebank effort myself to get Tina off the International Space Station or Mars or wherever she plants to go so we can all call you a fuck-tard for the next four years…

Oh, hmm. Maybe she’s being cynical. On review it is not possible to leave the planet. I guess this election has just made me stressed out and caused me to lose my sense of humor.

So I’m searching for something to write about last night and it’s just not going well. I’m getting so desperate that I’m even checking out the People.com site. Which btw, featured a picture of Lindsay Lohan holding an intoxicated looking Samantha Ronson with the caption “Lapping it up.”

People.com intern - “I’ve only been here two and a half weeks and they’re already letting me write captions on America’s favorite source for celebrity gossip. This is so cool, I’ll bet they won’t even notice my little double entendre.”

People.com editor - “This kid’s a genius he’ll have my job one day.”

People.com reader - “I think I can see a hint of areole. Good enough to rub one out to.”

Anyway, while browsing images I came across this one of Gwyneth Paltrow and I assume hubby and Coldplay front man Chris Martin rocking out next to her.

Shit Chris, I know you guys have a couple kids but shouldn’t she be the one dealing with baby weight issues? Now I may not be an expert parenting and dealing with kids but I did baby-sit pretty regularly from 1988-1990 so my advice should be pretty dead-on.

Here’s the number one thing I learned. When you take kids out for McDonalds and they get distracted by the big rocking Mayor McCheese and don’t finish their Happy Meals, you don’t have to finish it for them. That goes for meals at Burger King, Taco Bell and just about everywhere else…Ok, Lori just looked over at what I’m writing about and told me that isn’t Chris Martin in the picture but actually is Chef Mario Batali. I guess he and Paltrow have some cooking show called “Spain…On the Road Again.” Sorry, my bad.

Rachael Ray blew a gasket or two at the Union Square Village Market when she saw some veggies that weren’t to her liking. For a full 10 minutes all the perky mogul could do was scream out YUCK-O instead of her usual Yum-o. But it is New York so people did what they normally do when a nut job goes off in public, they ignored her.

Paris Hilton …. speaking logically?

What’s next? John Kerry on a Fox reality show?

Ok, you got me. I didn’t just get in a time machine and jump ahead eight years. This is actually a picture of the lovely Queen Fabiola of Belgium about to blow out the candles at her 80th birthday.

Still, I can hope that maybe Hil and Barry can shake hands and maybe think about running in this thing together to assure there isn’t another crusty old white dude in the Oval office. Although Lori and I did agree that we’d much rather picture Michelle Obama having an affair with Gina Gershon than Bill Clinton. (Alleged affair, jeesh!)

Tragedy struck the Sex and the City World Premier in London last night when Sarah Jessica Parker was viciously attacked. The unprovoked act occurred outside the Leicester Square Cinema as Parker arrived for he film. An unknown Carrie hater flung a Phillip Treacy-inspired chartreuse mushroom at Parkers head, which pierced her soul spewing out a garish bouquet of dyed flowers. However in a move right of NBC’s Heroes, Parker sprung up, picked up her brains and smiled wide for the cameras.

Unfortunately her movie didn’t fare as well, receiving only two stars from Times reviewer Will Pavia. Says Pavia

“There may be a problem with a film when a narrator constantly tells you the meaning of what you have just seen, gift-wrapping each scene with a moral. There may be a problem with stretching Sex and the City into a two hour and twenty minute film - it can feel like a never ending dinner party: however pleasant the courses, after a while you can hardly eat another one.”

Hmm, oh well, we’ll still see it and at least the reviewer did acknowledge what his problem may be.

“None of these problems seemed apparent to the women who sat around me in the cinema in Leicester Square, laughing and weeping in quick succession. After a while I began to reason like one of the characters: maybe the problem was me.”

Yes, we agree. So everyone with with a couple of X chromosomes and our gay buddies (and metro-dudes) unite. May 30th should be fun. Btw, no Sara Jessica Parkers were harmed during the premier of the movie or writing of this post.

Manorexic Carson Daly is making a list of:

Carson Daly, Pinkberry, Guitar Hero, Kurt Loder, Celebrity Apprentice, Craig Ferguson, MTV

Office star Jenna Fischer has called on her male fans to stop emailing her requests for dates on her myspace page. The St. Louis native has been single since she split up with her husband James Gunn in November.

According to Star Pulse Fischer says, “I’ve received uncomfortable letters in which I’m asked out on dates - but for real, not joking. The writers have obviously read about me and made up a list of reasons they think we would make a good couple - like we’re both from small towns, or they also love animals.

“I just don’t get it. Do people really go out on dates when they get a letter?”

We think that’s just totally obnoxious. I mean where do these guys get off thinking just if they say they’re into stuff Jenna is into she’d go out with them. Obviously she’s a hot up-and-coming comedic actress who can date anyone she wants.

Jenna if you ever want to talk about those losers just shoot us an email. We can go to Target, either the one near the mall and Trader Joe’s or the one in south city. See Jenna, you’re from St. Louis, I live here now, I’ll bet we have a lot in common. In fact I read all about your cupcake caddy on your myspace blog and I think it’s really neat how you can remain so grounded even when you’re famous.

So yeah, we’d totally be great friends and we know you recently broke up with your husband so we wouldn’t expect anything serious. We could even hang out, play some Wii, give each other back rubs with this really great smelling aveda oil we have, you know friend stuff. Call us Jenna, we’d be perfect together!

I’m a day late on my Oprah viewing, so it was just this afternoon that I was able to watch her interview with actress Valerie Bertinelli. Bertinelli is promoting her new book, Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound at a Time. Usually when Oprah has celebrity interviews I just skip over them because they are kind of boring and Oprah doesn’t dig out too much good gossip. (They can’t all be Tom Cruise jumping on a couch.) But this one promised some dirt about Valerie who we all (well all of us who watched TV in the late 70s/early 80s) knew as the good girl on One Day at a Time and as a good girl (presumably, because I never watched this one) in Touched By An Angel. She married a rockstar (Eddie Van Halen!) Did did cocaine! She dated Steven Spielberg! She gained and lost a lot of weight!

But then Valerie talks about “passionately” kissing another women and asks Oprah if she ever has:

Watch Valerie backpedal that one! Don’t want to bring up all those rumors again! Oprah just might slap 40 more pounds right off Bertinelli’s head! But the really sad thing is thinking of Gayle sitting alone in a hotel room somewhere, watching this show and sobbing quietly once again. Poor Gayle. Oprah won’t let her kiss her on the mouth.

Valerie Bertinelli, Oprah Winfrey, Gayle King