Trashy Celebs

Tragedy struck the Sex and the City World Premier in London last night when Sarah Jessica Parker was viciously attacked. The unprovoked act occurred outside the Leicester Square Cinema as Parker arrived for he film. An unknown Carrie hater flung a Phillip Treacy-inspired chartreuse mushroom at Parkers head, which pierced her soul spewing out a garish bouquet of dyed flowers. However in a move right of NBC’s Heroes, Parker sprung up, picked up her brains and smiled wide for the cameras.

Unfortunately her movie didn’t fare as well, receiving only two stars from Times reviewer Will Pavia. Says Pavia

“There may be a problem with a film when a narrator constantly tells you the meaning of what you have just seen, gift-wrapping each scene with a moral. There may be a problem with stretching Sex and the City into a two hour and twenty minute film - it can feel like a never ending dinner party: however pleasant the courses, after a while you can hardly eat another one.”

Hmm, oh well, we’ll still see it and at least the reviewer did acknowledge what his problem may be.

“None of these problems seemed apparent to the women who sat around me in the cinema in Leicester Square, laughing and weeping in quick succession. After a while I began to reason like one of the characters: maybe the problem was me.”

Yes, we agree. So everyone with with a couple of X chromosomes and our gay buddies (and metro-dudes) unite. May 30th should be fun. Btw, no Sara Jessica Parkers were harmed during the premier of the movie or writing of this post.

Manorexic Carson Daly is making a list of:

Carson Daly, Pinkberry, Guitar Hero, Kurt Loder, Celebrity Apprentice, Craig Ferguson, MTV

Office star Jenna Fischer has called on her male fans to stop emailing her requests for dates on her myspace page. The St. Louis native has been single since she split up with her husband James Gunn in November.

According to Star Pulse Fischer says, “I’ve received uncomfortable letters in which I’m asked out on dates - but for real, not joking. The writers have obviously read about me and made up a list of reasons they think we would make a good couple - like we’re both from small towns, or they also love animals.

“I just don’t get it. Do people really go out on dates when they get a letter?”

We think that’s just totally obnoxious. I mean where do these guys get off thinking just if they say they’re into stuff Jenna is into she’d go out with them. Obviously she’s a hot up-and-coming comedic actress who can date anyone she wants.

Jenna if you ever want to talk about those losers just shoot us an email. We can go to Target, either the one near the mall and Trader Joe’s or the one in south city. See Jenna, you’re from St. Louis, I live here now, I’ll bet we have a lot in common. In fact I read all about your cupcake caddy on your myspace blog and I think it’s really neat how you can remain so grounded even when you’re famous.

So yeah, we’d totally be great friends and we know you recently broke up with your husband so we wouldn’t expect anything serious. We could even hang out, play some Wii, give each other back rubs with this really great smelling aveda oil we have, you know friend stuff. Call us Jenna, we’d be perfect together!

I’m a day late on my Oprah viewing, so it was just this afternoon that I was able to watch her interview with actress Valerie Bertinelli. Bertinelli is promoting her new book, Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound at a Time. Usually when Oprah has celebrity interviews I just skip over them because they are kind of boring and Oprah doesn’t dig out too much good gossip. (They can’t all be Tom Cruise jumping on a couch.) But this one promised some dirt about Valerie who we all (well all of us who watched TV in the late 70s/early 80s) knew as the good girl on One Day at a Time and as a good girl (presumably, because I never watched this one) in Touched By An Angel. She married a rockstar (Eddie Van Halen!) Did did cocaine! She dated Steven Spielberg! She gained and lost a lot of weight!

But then Valerie talks about “passionately” kissing another women and asks Oprah if she ever has:

Watch Valerie backpedal that one! Don’t want to bring up all those rumors again! Oprah just might slap 40 more pounds right off Bertinelli’s head! But the really sad thing is thinking of Gayle sitting alone in a hotel room somewhere, watching this show and sobbing quietly once again. Poor Gayle. Oprah won’t let her kiss her on the mouth.

Valerie Bertinelli, Oprah Winfrey, Gayle King

Justin Timberlake was recently seen shopping in New York City …. at Tiffany and Co. …. for engagement rings. Oooh, girl, if that one doesn’t push Britney Spears (or Cameron Diaz, for that matter) over the edge … well, I imagine someone will find a way to make it seem like it has pushed her over the edge. And Cameron will just sign on for Shrek 4 hoping that they will make Justin reprise his role as Prince Charming or whatever and she will have a chance to pretend to be his girlfriend again, completely forgetting that when you do an animated film you are rarely in the same room at the same time with the rest of the cast and she won’t even see him anyway.

Whoops, sorry about that anti-Diaz tangent there.

Anyhoodle, it seems like the poor guy can’t even walk through a jewelry store without the whole internet blowing its collective wad all over everything. How do we even know that he was there looking at rings? I mean, if you click on the link above, the source does say he was looking at rings, but how do we know that is true? I mean, maybe he went in to buy a bracelet for his mom or a manly watch for his bro-yfriend Timbaland. Or heck, maybe he ate too many Fig Newtons and had the poops and ran in to use the bathroom. And then he had to at least pretend to think about buying something, just like if you or I ran into a McDonalds or a Barnes & Noble to use the bathroom we would at least have to buy a soda or look over the magazines, just so we don’t get yelled at for being an asshole non-customer.

My guess, though, is that he is working on writing his next album and is trying to create some drama in his personal life so he has something to write about. C’mon, Jessica Biel, cheat on him or insult his mama or something. The boy needs material!

Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz

Fresh from his endorsement of Barack Obama, John Kerry announced his eight episode story arch on the hit NBC superhero show, Heroes. With rumors of the writer’s strike winding down, Kerry along with fellow Heroes star Hayden Panettiere made the announcement yesterday in Washington.

Kerry will play Leonard Hightower, a gigantic former congressman with the ability to manipulate the space-time continuum by making people think hours have passed in the matter of seconds just by listening to him speak.

Creator Tim Kring hopes the former Senator’s presence will help the faltering show in the ratings but has agreed to a Heroes, Deal or No Deal spin-off if the plan doesn’t work. More on this story as it develops.

John Kerry, Tim Kring, Deal or No Deal, Hayden Panettiere, Heros

Aw, look at the happy parents-to-be! I guess things work different in Australia, all the way over there on the other side of the world and the whole who carries the kangaroo in the pouch works differently, because judging from that picture, Keith Urban is well on his way to craving crunchy salty foods one minute then sending Nicole out for frozen yogurt the next. Or maybe it’s all about french fries or pizza or something with melted cheese. Or chocolate. Who knows what sort of food cravings a pregnant Australian country-singer might have?

This baby will be the first for Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. Kidman has two children with former husband Tom “Crazypants” Cruise. Hopefully this pregnancy will make Kidman actually smile enough to prove that she has teeth.

Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban

First Ugly Betty, now Dirty, Sexy, Money. The new ABC show will feature famed transsexual actress Candis Cayne in a reoccurring role. Cayne plays Carmelita, a transsexual who is having a affair with married US Senator Patrick Darling (played by William Baldwin), who believes that this relationship with Carmelita could hurt his chances of becoming the next President of the United States. Based on casting of Billy Baldwin as a senator leads us to believe this show is a comedy. But anyway, kudos to Cayne who was born Brendan McDaniel and began transitioning in 1996.

If DSM proves to be a hit, we’ve learned of some additional shows in development at ABC featuring transsexual men and women.

Everybody Loves Ronald - The craziness never stops for successful weatherman Ronald Namone, whose oddball family life consists of a fed up wife, two goofy step kids and some nosey neighbors. Hilarity ensues when Ronald reveals he was not only born a woman (Rachael Nussbaum) but is also Jewish to boot.

Webster - Updated for the new millennium from the classic 80’s sitcom. The post-retirement season is suddenly disrupted for ex-football player George and his wife Katherine when Webster, the orphaned transgendered son of a former teammate, moves in. Laughter, life lessons and plenty of workin’ it in every episode.

Two Half Men - An uptight male to female chiropractor (Alissa) who recently had gender reassignment surgery moves in with her pre-opp female to male sister (Charlie). Will Charlie every pick a surgery date and will Alissa ever stop nagging about the dishes in the sink? Tune in to find out.

ABC, William Baldwin, Candis Cayne, Dirty Sexy Money

Hey all you fans or overblown puns and overpriced shoes, Trashy Celebs has gotten a hold of a rough draft of the new Sex and the City movie. According to our anonymous source the plot finds Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha still living the single life in NYC. One day Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) is writing her column for the New York Star when she gets a funny feeling in her belly. We the audience knows this because a close up of her computer screen reveals she’s just written “I have a funny feeling in my belly.”

For whatever reason, our protagonist is drawn out of her Upper East Side pad and down to the Target on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn. The closer to the store the stranger and more agitated she beings to feel. We know this because Parker’s voice over states “I began to feel stranger and more agitated the closer I got to Target.” Upon arriving at the Target, Carrie begins to dig in a bin of 75% off clearance shoes. To her complete and udder horror she pulls up a pair of strappy Manolo Blahniks for $13.99 (a close-up on the tag reveals they’re called Manolo B’s).

The realization that her beloved exclusive 700-dollar shoes are now available for mass consumption of mid-westerners, hits a deep dark point of evil in Carrie. Her skin begins to turn a pee-green color, her forehead widens and her arms become as massive as He-Man dolls. “Carrie Smash mass-produced Blahniks!” She screeches as her newly formed Geico-brow eyes a row of Manolo B’s which she quickly destroys.

The rest of the script which called for Sarah Jessica Parker to gain more muscle than Angela Basset’s and Madonna’s love-child involves Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha working with Mr. Big and the US National Guard to reel in Hulk-Carrie. Slated for an August 08 release, Sex and the City will go up against Indiana Jones IV, the Mummy 3 and Mamma Mia.

Sarah Jessica Parker, Sex and the City Movie, Target

Former Vice President Al Gore and rocker Jon Bon Jovi were married this past weekend in a small, quiet ceremony in New Hampshire.

The couple is registered at Target, Restoration Hardware, and Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Al Gore, Jon Bon Jovi