Trashy Celebs

Jane Fonda went on the Today show dropping bigger bombs than Monster In-Law. Uh-Huh I said it. While making an appearance with Eve Ensler to promote the 10th anniversary of Ensler’s play the Vagina Monologues, the 70-year old let her potty mouth fly.

This all went down as Fonda was relaying a lovely story about how she was asked to perform a monologue with a slang term for vagina as the title — and then she said a word that I’d like to pretend older ladies like my grandma had never ever heard before. Grandma, if you’re reading this she said Helen Hunt. Don’t question why that’s bad, it just is.

If you’re not my grandma, take a look at Fonda in action and then Meredith Vieira apologizing to god-fearing people for offending them and the baby Jesus.

We think this is rather hilarious but others weren’t giggling. “There is no excuse for airing one of the most patently offensive words in the English language on broadcast television, especially at the breakfast hour,” Parent Television Council (PTC) president Tim Winter, a former NBC employee, said in a statement Thursday.

All this comes on the tails of Diane Keaton saying “Fuck” on ABC’s Good Morning America (does menopause make you curse like a sailor?) Shit, maybe I need to start watching the networks in the morning instead of Robin and Company on Headline News. Dr. Sanjay Gupta never gets racier than talking about a colon problem.

But we really think America is wound a little too tight. While flipping channels if I can accidentally see someone with a nail through their head on TLC or Ann Coulter’s face anywhere, then I think it’s ok if I hear “Cunt” before nine A.M. Whoops, sorry Grandma, I meant to say that pig in Babe was a Runt. Happy Belated Valentine’s Day!

The fine folks over at dlisted posted this picture that is going to give me nightmares forever and ever (Sweatin’ to the Brain Burn) so I had to rush right over here and share it with all of you. If I was a better, nicer person, I would put this behind a cut, but since I am not, and because if I have to know this, then you have to know this, it’s goin’ right here, front and center. Don’t say I didn’t warn you bitches.

Hot damn, people. If that isn’t sexy, then neither is Justin Timberlake. But seriously, did Simmons really have to do that? I mean, good for him for being in good shape and for being able to wear those little shorts and for having shaved his inner thighs. But now I am in the position of having to think about Richard Simmon’s underpants, and that is something I could have gone my whole entire life without thinking about. Because if I have to think about his underpants then I can’t help but think about how he has balls in that underwear and I REALLY don’t want to think about Richard Simmon’s balls, do you? (That is totally going to be the name of the next girl punk band I form: Richard Simmon’s Balls.) Before today, I was only afraid of Richard Simmon’s big old white-man ‘fro, which he’s been sportin’ for as long as I remember. Now I’m not only scared of the ‘fro, but I have a vague mental image of his nutsack, and seriously, there is just not enough gin in the world to erase that.

Oh boy, I hope my mom isn’t reading this.

Richard Simmons, manties, Richard Simmons’ balls

I kinda hope my mom isn’t reading this one.

HOW DOES JULIETTE LEWIS FEEL ABOUT BRAD PITT?

After playing a rockin’ set with her band at club Chop Suey in Seattle, sexpot actress/singer JULIETTE LEWIS – who was hot ’n’ heavy with hunky BRAD PITT back in the Stoned Age – was mingling at the bar when a wiseguy fan blurted: “Hey, Juliette, how was Brad Pitt in the sack, anyway?” Stunned for a second, she flashed a mischievous grin and purred: “He was no…BIG deal, if ya know what I mean!” As Juliette turned to head back on stage, the guy yelled: “Are you saying Brad was the PITTS?” Juliette started laughing so hysterically she banged into a table and sent everyone’s drinks flying – but quickly ordered a round on her and hopped back onstage, still giggling.

Even though I do think Juliette Lewis is a little bit batshit crazy, I don’t really think this is true, at least not as it was written above, and not just because I read it in the National Enquirer. I mostly think it is not true because that dialogue sounds like it was written by someone in my sophomore year playwriting class, and let me tell you, no one in that class (including me) was going to write the next Angels in America or Waiting for Godot. (I personally tried to write a play based on a Stephen King story that involved people disappearing into thin air, and I payed absolutely no attention to how one would manage the stage direction on something like that. Trap doors?) But I digress. The puns in that story are absolutely horrible, as bad as he one I used in the title of this entry, and I don’t believe that real people actually speak that way, especially drunk people frequenting loud bars where Juliette Lewis’ band is playing. Does her band even have a name? (Wikipediatells me that her band is called Juliette and the Licks. Well, of course it is. Sheesh.)

Other reasons this story is bullshit? One, I think Juliette Lewis has too many other things going on in her crazy mind to still be thinking about her long-ago ex-boyfriend’s penis. Also, her public persona makes her seem so nuttified that I somehow doubt she even remembers dating Brad Pitt at all, let alone if he was, uh, wang-challenged. But if this is true, and she did say this, and he does have a small weiner, I sure do hope that Juliette and the Licks totally write a song about it. Or maybe a screenplay, where people (and weiners) totally disappear for no reason.

Juliette Lewis, Brad Pitt, National Enquirer

According to the website Showbiz Spy, the newest James Bond Daniel Craig is planning to go completely nakies for the next James Bond movie:

Hunky James Bond star Daniel Craig has revealed he’ll “go totally nude” for the next Bond film - tentatively titled ‘Bond 22′.

Craig, 39, who made his debut as 007 in last year’s ‘Casino Royale’ - insists it’s only fair he appears naked when he reprises his role as the suave spy, because Bond girls are always expected to strip off.

He said: “I’d go totally nude. I’ve got nothing to hide, and after all, we ask the girls to reveal almost all, so why not the men?”

Daniel also revealed he felt “nervous” at the stir he caused in the iconic ‘Casino Royale’ scene where he emerges from the sea sporting tight blue swimming trunks.

He added to Britain’s New! magazine: “Did I know the trunk thing would be such a big deal? Yeah. I saw it on a huge billboard in Hollywood and people were screaming. It did make me feel rather nervous.”

The star also branded his Bond co-star Dame Judi Dench, 72 , “sexy as hell” and “a total tease”.

Yowza! Granted, Casino Royale sat on top of my television for three weeks before I sent it back to Netflix unwatched, but I do remember the hubbub online and otherwise when the movie was released that basically seemed to go something like this: “OHMIGOD DANIEL CRAIG HOT HOT HOT RUNNING OUT OF THE OCEAN IN SWIMSUIT OMG” (faint, perspire, swooooooon!) Amy watched he the movie on her iPod while on a flight recently, so lets get her opinion.

Lori: So, is Daniel Craig all that hot?
Amy: Yeah, he’s pretty hot. I would almost maybe go straight for him. Maybe. But probably not.

Okay, well that was enlightening. Anyway, the interesting point of this story is that Daniel Craig said he has “nothing to hide” which makes me wonder if his penis is really, really small. Can you have a James Bond with a below average penis? I wonder if that is part of the audition to be James Bond …. a weiner measurement? Or maybe it doesn’t matter anymore, since technology developed during the filming of Boogie Nights now allows for dong prosthetics. Score!

Daniel Craig, Casino Royale, Daniel Craig nude

Sure famous people are used to having their pictures taken. But outside of red carpet moments, TMZ and rehab exits they tend to let their guard down. They should know that there will always be a schmo with a digital camera, cell phone or amazing watercolor skills there to capture all the fun stuff they might forget. Take Hugh Grant for example. The man was simply hanging out with a gaggle of St Andrews University freshman girls. Eating some pizza, drinkin’ a little Boone’s Farm or whatever freshman in Scotland drink, getting some underage lap dances, etc. But lo and behold, there’s an American in the mix who just happens to be on facebook and who also happens to like to post pictures on facebook. Opps.

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What a dumbass. Ashton Kutcher, it seems, has punk’d himself right in the butt. CelebrityScoop (see quote below) is reporting information from Maxim that Kutcher left his cell phone in a cab while he was vacationing. Seriously, Kutch, did your mom not teach you to make sure you had everything with you before you got out of the car or off the bus or out of the plane or wherever, like my mom did? I ain’t never left my phone in a French cab anywhere. But more importantly, I DON’T KEEP NAKED PICTURES OF MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER OR MYSELF OR ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER on my cell phone. Cell phone cameras are for pictures of the dog, pictures of the cat, or pictures of interesting graffiti on bar restroom walls. (Or in one memorable case, a picture of a can of spotted dick that I saw in a SuperFresh store that I had to send to my sister because I am 12 years old.)

Another day, another scandal! It looks like we’re going to be seeing some Demi Moore naked pictures soon. According to Maxim Radio’s ‘The Manertainment Report’, Ashton Kutcher accidentally left his cell phone in a cab while he was on vacation back in April.

Lets just say the taxi driver got a bigger tip then he was expecting, Ashton’s cell phone happened to contain over 30 pictures of his wife Demi Moore nude, and now the French taxi driver is holding the phone hostage.

The driver is asking a $1 Million dollars in exchange for the phone, or he will sell the pictures. Did I mention Ashton is naked in some of the pictures too?

Oh man, you have to wonder about that conversation when he called home (I guess he had to go buy a new phone first, huh?) to tell the little missus about this one. I wonder if it was like that scene in National Lampoon’s European Vacation when Clark’s big old shoulder-held video camera is stolen by the guy in Italy who convinced them to take off their shoes and stand in the foundation and then Ellen asks him if he erased the tape that had her doing a striptease (and, it is implied, them having sex. The sex was only implied, you know, it was rated PG-13) and he says, “oh sure, honey, I erased that” and you, the viewer, have some idea he is lying but his trusting wife believes him and then later on they see a billboard advertising their homemade sex tape as an Italian porno and Ellen freaks the hell out and then hilarity ensues.

I bet it was just like that.

Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher cell phone, Punk’d, National Lampoon’s European Vacation

People magazine is reporting that Comcast cable in the great (big) state of Texas (or Houston, to be more precise) is refusing to air an ad for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) featuring actress Alicia Silverstone, despite the fact that the ads have already been paid for.

PETA claims that Houston was chosen because it often ranks high on lists of cities with the worst eating habits. So why did Comcast pull the commercial?

A spokesperson for the cable company cited nudity in their decision to cancel the campaign, though the clips had already been paid for.

Now I am not a vegetarian, but ads like this can certainly make me consider it, even if it’s just for the 30 seconds that it airs (and as long as it’s not dinnertime.)

Yowza! Silverstone looks great. If I actually thought I could look like that if I gave up the occasional cheeseburger or steak, I just might give it a shot. In the meantime, I think I’ll call out for a pepperoni pizza and rent Clueless again.

Alicia Silverstone, PETA, Comcast Cable Houston, Clueless

What a day for celebrity junk! Now these two news items are completely unrelated but they’re almost ying and yang twins of each other and deserve to be reported in the same story.

First, not to be upstaged by the woman herself, Britney Spears vagina also made a comeback Sunday night in Vegas. Like its owner, the vagina was looking a little puffy and worn out however did not feel the need to don hair extensions or lip sync through a performance.

Thanks Perez Hilton for the censored image but if you want to see the full on nasty it’s right here.

Looks like Madonna is going to show Guy Ritchie what if feels like for a girl. Seen leaving London hotspot Claridges restaurant after celebrating Guys’ 39th birthday, Madonna seems to be having a Lock, Stock and one smoking barrel of a good time carrying her baby’s secret - a purple penatrator dildo. (link not safe for work)


From the Daily Mail:

By the way Madonna is carrying the gift - unusually in a transparent bag - as the couple leave the Mayfair hotel and restaurant, one might assume that Guy had refused to be seen leaving with it. And the singer clearly relished that point as she flashed a broad smile to photographers who she must have known laid in wait since they had followed her earlier from the family home.

Heh, so the moral of this story is Madonna continues to be awesome and Britney continues to be awesomely good at being a living, breathing trainwreck. But we love these two news-making divas because they make it so damn fun to write about!

Madonna, Purple Penatrator, Britney Spears, Guy Ritchie

Amy: Okay, Britney is by no means fat, but WAY too chubby to be wearing that … outfit? Can you even call that an outfit?

Lori: It’s Britney, bitch! Why are you in your underwear? Did the rest of your wardrobe not show up?

Amy: I bet that bra is itchy. How to make a comeback. Wear your snowboots with your Brillo-pad inspired underwear!

Lori: Why is she lipsyncing? It’s just drawing attention to that big old cold sore.

Amy: What’s that stuff you buy for canker sores?

Lori: Kanka! Look, at least she hired back up dancers fatter than her. That one she’s grinding up on is as fat as I am and at least ten years older.

Amy: Here come the boys.

Lori: There’s a Justin Timberlake look-a-like and she just grabbed his junk. She’s subtle.

Amy: She is 14 US Weekly covers past “not so innocent.”

Lori: Someone spent rehab watching Her Madonna DVDs. It’s like the Human Nature video and the Vogue video had a baby.

Amy: And Cold Hearted Snake came over for a play date.
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I watch a lot of Gordon Ramsay on the TV (mostly Hell’s Kitchen and Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares) because I like cooking shows and because I think he is entertaining and because he has taught me not only to keep food simple and unpretentious but also many creative ways to insult someone, my current favorite being “DONKEY!”

But I’m sure a lot of Ramsay’s former underlings where laughing their arses off and screaming “DONKEY” when they heard about Ramsay’s burning balls:

Celebrity chef had to take trip to hospital after getting too close to cooker

Gordon Ramsay burnt his testicle when he got too close to a hot oven.

The celeb chef, 40, had to be rushed to London’s private Cromwell Hospital - and he’s not too proud to tell the tale.

‘The other day I was standing too close to the hob when I was cooking,’ he told the Daily Mirror at the GQ Awards.

‘I was wearing cotton trousers and underneath I was going commando.

‘Then suddenly I felt this searing heat - my b***s were burning.

‘I burnt my right b*****k and I’m in absolute agony. You wouldn’t believe how much this hurts.’

Ouch.

My sister always says, “Never fry bacon when you’re naked.” Here’s just one example of why that’s good advice. Damn, just thinking about it makes me flinch, and I don’t even have testicles!

Gordon Ramsay, Hell’s Kitchen, Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares, Ramsay burns balls, Ramsay burns testicles, Ramsay burns bollocks

Hmm, so maybe Adam Sandler WAS the perfect guy for a movie like I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Apparently, back in the day, Sandler and director Judd Apatow (Knocked Up, The 40 Year Old Virgin, Freaks and Geeks) shared an apartment. Sandler, it seems look a little extra interest in his roommate’s personality.

Director Judd Apatow was shocked when he shared an apartment with his friend Adam Sandler because the superstar comic was desperate to see his manhood.

The filmmaker, 39, and Sandler, 40, lived together in their early 20s, and Apatow refused to show his roommate his penis. But Sandler was persistent.

Apatow says, “When we first moved in together, very early on he said, ‘Let me see your penis.’ I was like, ‘No! What do you want to see that for?’ He’s like, ‘I just want to know what I’m dealing with.’ He wasn’t embarrassed about it… He would tell other people ‘Judd won’t show me it, he won’t show me it.’

“One day I’m going to the bathroom, standing up and I just see Adam over my shoulder. All he says to me is, ‘All right, man. All right.’ I guess it was all right.”

No word on if Apatow got find out just how Jewish Sandler is.

Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Knocked Up, 40 Year Old Virgin, Freaks and Geeks, penis, junk, circumcision

Whatta concert! First some overzealous female fan grabs his package and then someone accidentally takes his pinky ring. What’s with all the classless people going to Tim McGraw concerts these day?

But has anyone noticed that it seems like someone not only stole his ring, but his sleeves and shirt buttons as well. Security!

Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, Soul2Soul, Tim McGraw stolen ring

Country singer Tim McGraw was born with balls, but his wife, singer Faith Hill, grew a set herself this weekend and called out a fan she spotted getting a little too handsy with her husband during a show on their Soul2Soul tour. Apparently the fan was cupping more than her beer after McGraw approached the crowd to greet some of his fans. Hill practically peed all over McCraw (and his balls) as she got ALL up in the fan’s grill:

Somebody needs to teach you some class, my friend. You don’t go grabbin’ somebody else’s - somebody’s husband’s balls, you understand me? That’s very disrespectful.

The best part? Hill never stops dancing during that little speech. That’s professionalism. I would point out that maybe someone also needs to teach Faith Hill some class, as yelling “balls” into a microphone in an arena that isn’t currently hosting a sporting event is itself not the epitome of class. But I won’t do that because after watching the video, I’m actually afraid Faith Hill might cut me.

Video below, provided by the always reliable TMZ.

Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Soul2Soul, somebody’s husband’s balls