Trashy Celebs

Pamela Anderson is a big freakin’ mess. I can’t even say hot mess, because while she was probably once considered hot, she isn’t anymore, and my best comparison is to a plate of spicy nachos that has been sitting on the coffee table too long …… lukewarm, crusty, hardened, and with some random cat hair stuck to it.

I know she didn’t necessarily pick this outfit, because this is part of some Richie Rich fashion show, or wait, I mean “fashion show,” because I see no actual believable fashion here. But then again, I have seen some crazy-ass shit churned out on Project Runway and on the red carpet at the Academy Awards, so what the hell do I know about fashion? But I do know a mess when I see one, and Pamela Anderson, I see you!

I had totally planned on liveblogging the Grammy Awards broadcast tonight, because we do love awards shows here in the Trash Talking household, because we love grousing like old folks about how we don’t even know most of the music that is popular today and what we do hear occasionally when we turn off our Madonna/Radiohead-filled iPods just sucks royally. (Really, I thought that “I Kissed a Girl” song was sort of fun at first, but enough already, Katy Perry.) But I tuned in, folks, about 45 minutes after the show started because I hate sitting through the commercials, and I have to say, about three minutes in, I was bored out of my mind. U2 was performing their craptacular new song, and I thought if that was the big start, then where would we be going from there? I mean, I like U2, but Bono will show up anywhere to promote his newhaircut, let alone a new album, so it wasn’t that big of a deal to me that they opened the show.

But once I saw Whitney Houston, I had to stick with it, to see how big the bucket of crazy she would dump on the stage would be. (Outcome: pretty big. And she clearly was metaphorically kissing Clive Davis’ ass while she had the stage and a mic. Clive, get her a record contract already!)

I was super-happy that Jennifer Hudson won, but why didn’t she take off the bib from her lobster dinner before accepting her award?

I was sucked in at this point, and stuck with it. Some highlighted moments of outrage included watching Justin Timberlake totally cock-block Al Green’s big number (with three of the four Boys II Men singing backup), seeing the Jonas Brothers perform trip all over my favorite Stevie Wonder song “Superstitious,” (and can only figure that they didn’t tell him who he was performing with), Katy Perry channeling 1993-Madonna, Natalie Cole’s dress, Jack Black’s hat, Jamie Foxx and Ne-Yo’s douche-off, and Radiohead NOT winning Album of the Year (WTF???? Injustice!)

Some actual pleasant highlights included a performance from Carrie Underwood that I liked, Jennifer Hudson’s understated, emotional and absolutely beautiful performance, Kanye West’s Gerald LeVert haircut, a big girl winning Best New Artist, Queen Latifah doing anything, MIA performing when she appears within moments of giving birth, Cyndi Lauper’s hairstyle, RADIOHEAD’s performance of “15 Steps” with the USC Marching Band (and what sort of mindfuck was it that Gwyneth Paltrow introduced them? She must want her husband to be Thom York as much as Chris Martin himself wants to be Thom York), T-Pain’s hat, and Lil’ Wayne’s clear and concise acceptance speech.

That’s the Grammys this year folks, as always a few highlights but mostly a three and a half hour bowl of suck. See you next year for more of the same!

And no wonder he pretty much always wears your basic jeans and tshirts (although I am sure they are much much more expensive than the jeans and tshirts you or I might wear.) The Sun published some photos taken sometime in the late 70s of Simon Cowell on vacation. Check out the fluffy, feathered hair. Check out the smoothy, hairless chest!

I wonder if Cowell waxed back then (did anyone wax in the 70s wax?) or if he grew all his chest and arm hair since then. Surprisingly, he is even almost smiling in that picture. Maybe if he took vacations and fluffed his hair more often he would be nicer to all those wanna-be singers auditioning on American Idol. But hey, at least he is not wearing suspenders! Oh, wait:

Yeah, wow. Watch out American Idol contestants. Now that these pictures have hit the media, Mr. Cowell is going to be crankier than ever.

Pictures via The Sun.

So I do spend a lot of time of time on the internets, but I guess since I have been focused a little more on the inauguration of a new president and the economic crisis and the wicked awesome 60% off sale going on at Eddie Bauer I totally missed the truly important news …. apparently, according to some, Jessica Simpson has gotten fat? Say what? I hadn’t noticed. Probably because it really isn’t all that true. I mean, Jessica may have put on a few pounds (in our house, we call that “relationship ass”) but it’s not like she’s destined for the Brookhaven Obesity Clinic or anything. Check out this picture from the 99.9 Kiss Country 24th Annual Chili Cookoff:

So I can list about ten crimes against tasteful fashion in that picture (what the HELL is up with that belt) but I certainly wouldn’t call Simpson fat or suggest that her fans are “shocked” the way Good Old Reliable Fox News has. (Or as I like to call them, GORF.) But as much as Fox News likes to whip us all into a frenzy over snowstorms, the possibility of terrorism, the struggling economy, and the weight of pop stars with middling talent, none of that is as offensive as the cartoon the New York Daily Post ran recently:

I mean, come on. That is totally unnecessary, totally unfair, and totally mean. Sure, we all thought it was funny when Dallas Cowboy fans blamed her every time Tony Romo miffed a game winning pass or something, but this WAY crosses the line. I don’t think Jessica Simpson is fat, nor do I really give a damn one way or the other. But I do have to say, the shoes from her clothing line? Hid. e. ous.

Okay, so maybe that title is a little obvious and such, but when one comes across a picture like the one above, on the same day that the Oscar nominations are announced, and when three-hour movie called The Curious Case of Benjamin Button gets like a zillion nominations, then you make the damn joke. That picture would have been amusing on any day, because Mr. Perfect Man-Actor-Father-Handsome might let the cow out of the barn but on a day like today? With a movie called that? The joke has to be made. It would be a crime not to.

You have to wonder, though, how his publicist let these pictures get published. I mean, sure, it’s just the zipper of his jeans open, and sure, it has happened to all of us. But aren’t you squirming just a little bit, because, damn, Angelina is gonna be pissed.

Oh boy, what the hell is this all about? Kanye West, the most, ahem, cocky man in show business, is thinking that people just don’t quite look at him enough. Now he is thinking that it would be just a splendid idea to pose naked. (With two months notice, however, so he has time to hit the gym and buff up. And as someone who has been going to the gym for twice that, I can tell Mr. West that it takes longer than two months. But I digress.)

I’m really not surprised that Mr. West would want to appear in his all-together in some magazine or another (I assume it is a magazine he wants to pose for, and not some live wang wagging show, but he never really stated either way) because he does have quite a high opinion of his musical talent, so why not his body too? Frankly, I don’t care if he gets naked or not, but I do wish he’d take off that ugly hat in the picture above. Ugly!

Yeah! You know that friend that just won’t let something go. Like one time you shared a cheese pretzel at a ballgame and you just happen to have taken one more bite than them and now every time you go to share a cheese pretzel they bring it up and say something like “oh, maybe I should draw a line so you don’t eat any of my half,” or some shit like that? Anyway, I never thought Justin Timberlake would be that kind of friend.

That might have been a bad analogy but Justin is pitching a little bitchy fit over a fashion trend that’s kind of been over for three years - Trucker Hats. Yes, Justin is saying it was he, not Trucker-Caper-wearer Ashton Kutcher that was responsible for making them en vogue. Call me Kooch!

“It’s funny,” Timberlake says in the new issue of Fashion Rocks magazine. “I keep hearing Ashton Kutcher say how he was responsible for trucker caps. I’ve heard him make that statement before.”

But Timberlake maintains that he and his William Rast fashion line partner and childhood friend Trace Ayala are the real trendsetters. “Trace and I were wearing them when we were seventeen,” Timberlake says.

Call me crazy but didn’t truckers wear trucker hats first? Actually, I think it was me. I remember wearing this really knarly Miami Dolphins orange mesh trucker hat all the time when I was a kid. Forget being a trendsetter at seventeen Mr. Sexybacker singer guy, I was a trend setter at eight. Put that in your Urban and Outfit it yo!

HOT! We’re back bitches. Miss us? No we weren’t off gallivanting in West Hollywood or out in West County. No, our servers were down and since we don’t have your email address we weren’t able to email you with our witty rants about celebs and pop culture. Too bad for you. And we apologize to those people who’ve been led to our site by doing a google image search for “crotch.” Your disappointment may now commence.

Anyway, with our first day back we could choose to tell you about Angelina Jolie checking into a French hospital in preparation of giving birth to twins or talk about A-Rod’s wife boning up on Lenny Kravitz. But no. Hell no! When we saw this beauty we had to spread the love about the online FLDS clothing store. Jas and Meg if you’re reading this I know what I’m wearing to your wedding!

If the mention of FLDS or Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints doesn’t ring a bell, they’re the crazy polygamist kooks with the big hair and wicked fashion sense. “How wicked Amy” might you ask? Well so wicked that they now have a website dedicated to the Big Love Duds. Check it. http://www.fldsdress.com/

So ok, they’re currently only selling children’s clothes but I can’t wait until I can wear this loud and proud to a client meeting.

Now you might be thinking “Why oh why are these fashions being sold online” and “when will they we available at gap kids?” The second part of your insightful quandary went unanswered but one of them told The Salt Lake Tribune, “Our motive is not to flaunt ourselves or our religion before the world. We have to make a living the same as everyone does.” Hell yeah. Strike while the iron, or high starched collar is hot!

Yeah, we watched some of the Tony awards, mostly on fast forward speed three on the DVR. There were some lackluster performances from the 20 millionth revival of Grease, a reunion of the original cast of Rent and a weird Sunday’s in the Park with George performance where the lead seemed to be wearing jeans and pumas with his turn of the century jacket. But what really stopped our thumb in its tracks was seeing Liza Minnelli come out on stage. Take a look.

Yeah, so, so, SO many things going on here. So here they are the top five things that disturb us about this image.

5) The dress (suit) makes her look like a villain in the new Batman movie

4) Did she get a leg transplant cause them things is free of the varicose veinage

3) She’s so drunk she’s sober

2) Her homage to Luciano Pavarotti by wearing one of his old jackets as a dress

And the number one thing that disturbs us about this image is…

1) Old Lady Bra!

Juliette Lewis, please, just eat something for God’s sake. I’m begging you.

Seriously, I’m worried.

Could someone get her a sandwich? And some shampoo? And possibly a tetanus shot? But mostly the sandwich because look at the poor skinny girl trying to eat a microphone:

Maybe bring her a nice healthy salad as well or maybe an apple or some edamame. And a glass of milk. And a bowl of soup. And some potato chips because I have a feeling she needs the salt. Then get her to take a nice hot shower and bundle up on a big fluffy robe and eat some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Then take a nice long nap.

OH NO! WE ARE TOO LATE!

Juliette Lewis

Is it just me or is Saturday Night Live and Baby Mama star Amy Poehler looking a little knocked up here in this red-carpet picture from the the premiere of …. Baby Mama. Is that irony or just Alanis Morrissette irony?

Never mind. I do know that Amy Poehler isn’t actually all that well known for her fashion sense but that dress just makes me think two things: baggy and covering a pregnancy belly. Could it be that while playing the role of a surrogate for a woman who can’ get pregnant, she got herself all knocked up. Taking the role pretty seriously! I wonder if Tina Fey MADE her do that so she’d get into the role more. Wow, that Tina Fey is one tough-ass boss!

Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Baby Mama

Based on the following picture, we can assume that:

Mary-Kate Olsen, Ashley Olsen, Bea Arthur, Arrested Development, Munch, The Scream

Eric Dane is on the beach showing some butt cleavage. This shot apparently came from the set of a new movie Mr. Look-at-my-butt Dane is currently shooting in Miami. Apparently the movie being shot is Marley & Me with Owen Wilson, and to my understanding, this movie is about a guy and a dog, so I don’t quite understand how that lends itself to hot guys showing off their butts on a beach, but I’m sure there are more than a few people out there that are glad it did.

source

I wonder if anyone snuck up behind him and dropped a quarter in there and then asked where their can of soda or bad of chips is and then shook him like he was a broken vending machine. Does anyone try to grab celebrities on th beach anymore or do they just whip out their iPhones and try to get the ass shot for their blogs? Either way, I can’t believe Mr. Dane didn’t feel the cool breeze on his top shelf there and give his pants a little yank. Or if he did mean to show that much crack then I sure hope he slapped some Coppertone on there.

Eric Dane

So the Trash Talkers have not yet had the chance to watch this years Grammy broadcast (safely stored in the DVR for now) because we had tickets last night to see the Queen of Trash Talk, Kathy Griffin.

The show was fabulous, and not only did we laugh our trash talkin’ asses off, we also got to see a couple of drunk girls tossed out of the show for trying to out trash talk Kathy F’n Griffin. Nice try stupid drunk girls. Also, the pre-show warm up music featured songs by Clay Aiken, Paul Abdul, and Britney Spears, so we knew exactly who she was probably going to talk about during her show. (And she did not let us down, comparing a certain over exposed part of Britney Spears’ anatomy with a chow tongue. Yes, she went there.) In fact, it is now my dream to someday have Kathy Griffin guest write a post for this blog. I’m not delusional, I know it will never happen, but even a Trash Talkin’ girl has dreams!

But I have to say, I wonder if even Kathy Griffin would go here:

I mean, oh my! Oh my! What happened to Aretha Franklin? What happened? Why doesn’t anybody do anything? Because, frankly, I am worried about her. She is freaking brilliant, she has a voice like nobody’s business and she can sing anything. I still remember when she performed “Nessun Dorma” at the 1998 Grammy Awards show; it totally gave me chills.

And now I am afraid all I can see is an unhealthy Aretha wearing a very ill-advised bright yellow dress with spaghetti straps. I mean, look at the picture. I’m afraid Cyndi Lauper is going to fall face first into Aretha’s chest and not be found for days. Days, people! Even with that warning flare of a hairstyle! I feel really bad even saying anything at all about it …. like I am going to end up in R&B Hell listening to Peabo Bryson or Jodeci forever. So, okay, I am not making fun of Aretha Franklin. I won’t do it. But I am worried about her … and I do think she should fire her damn stylist.