Trashy Celebs

I don’t have a husband or a boyfriend or anything, but I do have this sudden urge to go out and buy some Italian underwear. Why is that, you weird Trash Talker? Well, my friends, I think you all will be standing behind me in line once you get a look at the new pictures of David Beckham taken for Emporio Armani:

Picture via People magazine

And Beckham is famous primarily for playing soccer? (Football, if you are reading this from outside the United States.) Does anyone even watch him play soccer anymore, since he is usually, you know, not playing in (only) his fancy Italian underwear.

And of course, we all know that David Beckham is a purely beautiful physical specimen of a human being. But what is up with those poses? Reminds me of the black and white shots of buff mostly naked guys I would see hanging in gay bars back in the early 1990s (or in some small towns, still today.) Can’t get any more creative than reclining on a bed? Hey, at least it’s not a picture of him fixing a car.

Hey all you other parents out there, you have officially been outdone. Yesterday was truly one of the most historic days in the history of the US. Sure there was that whole Barack Obama being sworn in as the first African American President along with being all kinds of an awesome guy (with a hot, brilliant wife to boot). But yesterday they became the most awesomest parents EVER (if you’re a tween girl).

That’s because, while the Obamas were shakin’ they’re groove thang all over D.C., they gave a very special “First Night In the White House Gift” to daughters Malia and Sasha. The girls to invite over a couple of friends for an exclusive home screening of High School Musical 3 and Bolt.

But it didn’t end with Zac Effron’s dreamy locks on the presidental flat screen. No, the girls were then given a White House scavenger hunt to complete, in an effort to familiarize them with their new home. And get this. At the end of Malia and Sasha’s scavenger late-night hunt, they opened a door to discover their favorite musical performers:The Jonas Brothers— the pop boy band sensation who first exploded on the Disney Channel and also appeared earlier this week at the Kids’ Inaugural Concert.

Damn! When we had scavenger hunts as a kid all we got where red balls attached to cheap paddles with a breakable rubber band.

In other Inaugural news, the party didn’t end with the balls. Reportedly the Obamas hosted an exclusive late night gathering at the White House after coming home from dancing at ten balls.

The party was intended for very close Obama friends and family and was scheduled between midnight and 2:30 a.m. Invitees were told the Obamas’ may not show. But they did. Michelle reportedly had had it and cut out early but Obama stayed to hang with Oprah and a bunch of other people who aren’t as famous as Oprah.

Among those present:

Oprah Winfrey
Valerie Jarrett
David Axelrod
Mayor Daley
Craig Robinson
Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.)
Rep. Melissa Bean (D-Ill.)
Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill.)
Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-Ill.)
Rep. Artur Davis (D-Alabama)

I just can’t bring myself to talk any trash today. This day is just too special.

Congratulations, President Obama and to the First Family.

Fresh off the news that he’ll be contributing to the soundtrack of the upcoming Notorious B.I.G. biopick, Kanye West spewed some R.I.Diculous crap. While singing praises about Beyoncé Knowles, West said “she is just as great, if not greater, than artists we had in the past…she’s probably greater than Tina Turner.”

Kanye went further by calling Beyoncé a legend: “Nobody really wants to recognize that Beyoncé is a fucking living legend.” Uhh, exqueese me? Tina F’in Turner? Dude, this is really ill-timed because we saw some pics online today of the 69 year-old original Private Dancer and she is way fiercer than Ms. Sasha Fierce (the title of Beyoncé’s new album for those of you who don’t know. C’mon keep up.)

Check out Ms. Turner performing at Madison Square Garden on Monday night. Damn! She broke out the Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome outfit and can put an young drag queen to shame.

We just wish she would have chosen to come back to her hometown of St. Louis on this tour because we’d so see her over Beyoncé any day.

Natalie Portman walks into a dog park with an umbrella under her arm and an organic fruit beverage in her hand. The punchline to this one is actually a lot funnier than any “walks into a bar” joke as a scruffy mutt mistakes Queen Amidala for a tree stump. Yep, she done gone and got peed on. Judging by the picture below courtesy of D-listed, Natalie is more surprised than pissed off (ha, ha) but seriously what do you do if you’re the dog’s owner? You’re out on a beautiful New York afternoon. Your cute little pooch is getting you all kinds of looks from hotties galore and then bang, urine major trouble.

source

Actually, Natalie is a pretty good sport and with further research we learned she laughed off the little pisser and continued on with her day. We just hope she took some time off for a shower and not a golden one…sorry had to go there.

Some of you may know that your Trash Talkers also used to write a blog called Watching 30 Rock about our favorite TV show and our favorite TV actress and writer, Tina Fey. We had to give that blog up, but that doesn’t mean we don’t care about that news anymore. And so when we saw this info on E! we got really excited:

Dreams really do come true, and don’t let anyone tell you differently!

Just two weeks ago, while discussing some dream casting options for her NBC comedy 30 Rock, Tina Fey told reporters, “I still want Oprah to play my best friend…and I don’t know what I need to do to make that happen.”

Well, as of today, it might happen. Chicagoland sources who were at the taping of The Oprah Show starring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for Baby Mama just wrote in to tell us this fantastic news:

According to members of the live audience, during a commercial break, Oprah said she had heard Tina wanted to be her best friend and asked whether Tina meant in real life or on the show. When Tina said “both!” Oprah said, “Have your people call my people.”

Oprah then said that she was “definitely interested” and would love to appear on the show, to which Tina gestured to the people in the audience, to the effect of “You heard it!”

Personally I think Oprah would make an excellent guest star on 30 Rock. She did so on the famous “Puppy Episode” of Ellen DeGeneres’ sitcom, playing Ellen’s therapist when she came out. And if she played Liz Lemon’s (Tina Fey’s character) that would be really cool. And if she played Liz’s best friend Oprah Winfrey then that would be freakin’ awesome. Go for it, Oprah!

Tina Fey, Oprah Winfrey, 30 Rock

Kate Winslet, Julianne Moore.

Kate Winslet, Julianne Moore

Tina F’n Turner!

Kate Winslet, Tina Turner

No they’re not Trashy Celebrities but they’ve proven they sure can go buck wild like them. But before the champaign is popped and the money is left on the table for the whores, the best in show judging at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog show happens. This year we’ve decided to let our pug Muriel and grey cat Jake take over the trash talking and live blog the event. Now excuse us as we go play Guitar Hero.

Muriel: AND HERE WE GO WITH THE MAIN EVENT. I DO NOT LIKE POODLES IT BEAT THE PUG IN THE TOY GROUP.

Jake: Hey girl, why are all these dogs on the screen, it’s bad enough I have to live with one.

Muriel: TWO POODLES! A BIG ONE AND LITTLE ONE. BIG ONE IS UP. DO NOT LIKE PLUMBER BUTT CUTS. HERE COMES AN AKITA IN THE WORKING GROUP.

Jake: See that dog has a job. You should get yourself a job so I can have more quality time with the heating vent.

Muriel: HERE’S A WEIMARANER IN THE SPORTING GROUP. I LIKE HIS EYES. HIS EYES ARE LIKE TERRENCE HOWARD. TOO BAD TERRENCE HOWARD IS A DOUCHE!

Jake: Girl, what is up with that handler’s shoes? Girl you do not wear a pink dress and black shoes. You’re pretty but those shoes give you the cankles of Janet Reno.

MURIEL: YOU ARE NOT EVEN PAYING ATTENTION TO THE SERIOUSNESS OF THIS COMPETITION MR. JAKE. IT IS NOW TIME FOR THE HERDING GROUP AND AN AUSTRALIAN SHEPARD. I WISH I WAS EATING TREATS LIKE THIS DOG ON TV IS EATING TREATS. BUT I CANNOT EAT TREATS BECAUSE THEY GIVE ME FREQUENT URINARY TRACT INFECTIONS.

Jake: Girl, you nasty.

MURIEL: HERE’S A BEAGLE IN THE HOUND GROUP. HE IS VERY CUTE AND HIS NAME IS UNO LIKE THE NUMBER IN SPANISH.

Jake: And the best deep dish pizza chain.

MURIEL: AND THE BEST DEEP DISH PIZZA CHAIN. I HAVE TRIED TO EAT THE CHEESE FROM THE UNO BOX WHEN IT IS IN THE TRASH BUT IT GIVES ME URINARY TRACT INFECTIONS BUT I DO NOT CARE BECAUSE IT IS VERY DELICIOUS!

Jake: Girl, look at that furry mess. I have not heard of a Sealyham Terrier before but he ugly. Face look like a hairy condom.

MURIEL: I WOULD TOTALLY TAP THAT ASS. OH NO, ANOTHER POODLE. BUT A MINIATURE ONE. DO NOT LIKE SMALLER VERSION OF BASTARD BUTT CUT POODLE BECAUSE THAT IS THE ONE THAT BEAT THE PUG.

Jake: I’ll bet it smells better than the pug.

MURIEL: THIS IS SOMETHING WE CANNOT HELP. OH HERE COMES THE DECISION. THE WINNER IS THE BEAGLE. HOORAY I CAN LIVE WITH THAT BECAUSE I HAVE LIVED WITH A BEAGLE BEFORE. SHOUT OUT TO BONNIE, YOU MY BITCH!

Jake: Girl, I’m glad that’s over. I’m going to go rub my genitals on your dog bed.

Oprah Winfrey has her own TV channel. No, not Oxygen, a different one. Oprah has reached a deal with Discovery Communications to operate the OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. Discovery will give up its Discovery Health channel in order to OWN. The channel was started in 1999, has over 70 million subscribers and is our number one source of Tranny and Gastric bypass shows.

Oprah I know you’re working on world domination but please, please, please don’t take away the shows about babies with two heads and people born with lobster claws for hands.

Oprah will have complete control over OWN, but they are currently looking for a CEO. Gayle, and Steadmen get your gloves on. Oprah said, “For me, the launch of ‘The Oprah Winfrey Network’ is the evolution of the work I’ve been doing on television all these years and a natural extension of my (syndicated daytime) show.”

“Waaa Ha, HA!” She added.

“I said from the beginning that this was an opportunity for me to step out of the box and make the kind of shows that make my heart sing,” Oprah went on to say, emphasizing that she planned to keep the focus on “mindful, not mindless, television.” Interesting because when I put on Oprah today she was talking to a guy who invented a new kind of Post-It.

But anyway in addition to her responsibilities at OWN, Winfrey will continue her duties with The Oprah Winfrey Show, which is slated to talk about doody with Dr. Oz through at least through mid-2011.

Oprah Winfrey, OWN, Discovery Health Channel, Dr. Oz

Jennifer Beals.

Kate Winslet, Jennifer Beals

Jennifer Aniston, you are big pimpin’ and I am not even joking with you. First you were married to the very, very pretty Brad Pitt and everyone thought it was lovely. Then after that, you were with Vince Vaughn, who, while a decent actor who has been in some fun movies (and who seems like a nice, funny guy) but is not exactly pretty himself. But now it is all over the internets that you have climbed back on the pretty man bus with another fresher, more beautiful young actor, Jason Smith, best known as Smith Jerrod from Sex and the City.

Britain’s Closer magazine claims Jen, 38, is hooking up with Sex and the City star and former Rosario Dawson flame, 36-year-old Jason Lewis. The two were seen sharing a romantic dinner in New York City, where a source says: “They’ve met a few times. He thinks she’s gorgeous and they just clicked. It’s funny how much they have in common. Jen seems to really like Jason, but so far they’ve met up in secret as Jen hates the pressure her fame puts on all of her relationships.�?

Jennifer Aniston, if you are not hitting that then you totally should start, because that is one good-looking man. Surely you used to watch Sex and the City (probably with BFF Courtney Cox) and I’m sure you remember that he was naked through most of his scenes so you know exactly what you are getting. Yowza!

Jennifer Aniston, Jason Lewis, Sex and the City

Madonna!

Kate Winslet, Madonna, Rock & Roll Hall Fame

We are not the writers who are on strike, so your regularly scheduled snark will return next week. In the meantime, Vanessa Williams. Hot damn! Someone get me some water!

Kate Winslet, Vanessa Williams

Gillian Anderson.

And a new X-Files movie is set to go into production this month!

Kate Winslet, Gillian Anderson, X-Files, David Duchovny