Trashy Celebs

Well one cat in particular. According to the New York Post, Project Runway finalist Kenley Collins was arrested yesterday morning after assaulting her fiance with their cat. Yes, you read correct. A cat. But that crazy flapper-wannabe didn’t stop there. She went on to hurl a laptop and three apples at the dude as well.

After that mondo shitfit, Collins, 26, was charged with assault and criminal possession of a weapon of meows destruction. Wha, whaa.

“It was a miscommunication,” Collins told The Post after getting released without bail from Brooklyn Supreme Court yesterday morning.”Fights happen, And that’s that. There is no case,” the d-bag maximus went on to say.

According to law enforcement sources, an enraged Collins woke Penley up just after 7 a.m. by hurling their cat in his face. Then she threw her laptop, and as he fell crawled on the floor, slammed a door on his head.

Neighbors said the couple had been fighting for weeks. And we’re guessing this spells the end of the relationship. What we’re also wondering is how the cat is doing? I know our cats prefer to be a weapon of choice but only when it’s their idea. Our calico is quite bitey.

We’re also wondering if Kenley was using the cat to create a master race of evil Laser Cats as so demonstrated in the video below.

In other, totally unrelated cat bummer news, a friend at work sent me this site for Kitty Wigs.

So just in case your cat wants to explore it’s Lil’ Kim side, you can rest easy knowing there’s a hair piece for him.

Last year’s Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show best in show winner was arrested moments before this year’s contest was to commence. The New York police department announced that Uno, last year’s top beagle, was being investigated for allegedly assaulting an unidentified bitch the night before. Uno turned himself in to authorities and was briefly held before posting $50,000 bail Sunday night, dog house records showed.

Details are sketchy at this point but insiders say that Uno and longtime companion Cheerio the Pomeranian, were both slated to be lead around by large women in comfortable shoes last night. However, both separately dropped out at the last minute. The victim of Uno’s alleged assault wasn’t immediately identified, but other Westminster competitors volunteered tails of abusive behavior and unrelenting butt sniffing from the beagle towards Cheerio.

Brando, a Dougue e Bordeaux, who’s close to Uno spoke to the press inside the Pennsylvania hotel near Madison Square Garden late yesterday.

“Ever since taking Westminster last year, Uno’s been a little out of control. I accompanied him to a frat party at the University of South Carolina last November where he proceeded to get totally wasted, taking bong hit after bong hit. It’s a good thing no one had opposable thumbs, much less a cell phone to document his behavior.”

“Maybe this will serve as a wake-up call,” said the hulking dog before retreating to his room to chew on a squeaky yellow duckie.

Fallout from the arrest has already begun. Wrigley has reportedly dropped their Doublemint gum sponsorship with Uno as has Snasauges.

So far no one from the Cheerio camp has spoken out on the incident but it’s reported the Pom is headed back to the Bahamas to spend time with family.

And no wonder he pretty much always wears your basic jeans and tshirts (although I am sure they are much much more expensive than the jeans and tshirts you or I might wear.) The Sun published some photos taken sometime in the late 70s of Simon Cowell on vacation. Check out the fluffy, feathered hair. Check out the smoothy, hairless chest!

I wonder if Cowell waxed back then (did anyone wax in the 70s wax?) or if he grew all his chest and arm hair since then. Surprisingly, he is even almost smiling in that picture. Maybe if he took vacations and fluffed his hair more often he would be nicer to all those wanna-be singers auditioning on American Idol. But hey, at least he is not wearing suspenders! Oh, wait:

Yeah, wow. Watch out American Idol contestants. Now that these pictures have hit the media, Mr. Cowell is going to be crankier than ever.

Pictures via The Sun.

The Bush family cat, India, has died after 18 years of glorging on Laura’s shoes, the White House reported on Monday.

The black female Shorthair was named after the former Texas Ranger baseball player, Ruben Sierra, who was called “El India” and not after those brown people who chase “Tutunka” from the Kevin Costner movie as President Bush had previously told people.

The kitty was actually given the name by Bush’s daughter Barbara. And when Barbara and her twin sister, Jenna, went away to college, the cat stayed at the White House, specifically to ward off black spirit of Karl Rove who’s relentless pursuit of the blood of infidels proved to be increasingly irritating.

The Bushes “are deeply saddened,” first lady Laura Bush’s spokeswoman, Sally McDonough, said this morning. “India was a beloved member of the Bush family for almost two decades. She will be greatly missed.”

The Bush family has two other pets, Barney and Miss Beasley, both Scottish terrier dogs. While Miss Beasley continued on with her normal daily routine of sleeping at barking at pillows, the attention craving Barney was suspiciously distant from the media.

“Barney is loco, esai,” said one White House staffer who preferred to not be identified. “That pooch is insane in the membrane.” The staffer went on to relay what a prima donna Barney was during the filming of the White House Christmas Video. And would go on inaudible barking tangents when India made a cameo on Laura’s lap.

“He just wanted it to be him and that semi-retarded Ms. Beasley returning to Texas, but you haven’t heard that from me,” said the staffer.

No reports on where India will be laid to rest but President Bush was asked to refrain from attempting to flush her down the Presidential can.

Me-Wow! Thanks to consumer focus groups and some really good weed, the folks at the Game Show Network and Meow Mix (Purina when I was freelancing for you why wasn’t I a consultant on this?) have put together “Think Like a Cat.” This new game show, hosted by never aging Chuck Woolery, is the only place on TV where owners are quizzed about how well they know their cats. In the first of many, many, MANY puns on this show, the “catestants” are quizzed on general feline knowledge — covering topics such as nutrition, behavior, anatomy and the role of cats in pop culture — as well as interactive challenges where cats and pet parents must work together to be successful.

The shitter on this is people are competing for a million dollars. A million FUCKING dollars. Damn! Those bitches on Survivor have to starve, backstab and make complete butt wads of themselves on television for that kind of dough.

According to the Meow Mix website, the pool of 1,200 auditioning teams was narrowed down to eight. These eight teams compete in challenges like “The Fast and the Furriest” and “Are You as Smart as a Cat” to determine who emerges as “Pick of the Litter.” - MORE PUNS!

In the end, the team with the most points will have the opportunity for a chance to win $1 million — as well as $100,000 for a feline-related charity in their community. Even if the team doesn’t hit the million-dollar jackpot, the winning team takes home $25,000 — plus $2,500 will be donated to their local feline charity.

OK, we do like the charity part but if it were our cats, this game would be pretty simple. Thoughts would be along the lines of “It’s cold therefore I’ll pretend I like you. If I had opposable thumbs I’d be able to get treats myself, therefore I’d eat your eyeballs while you slept.” and “Vomiting on the rug you just cleaned is my own special way of saying I love you.”

Besides your mom. Well that I know of. Crazy-eyed actor Gary Busey admitted to a low, low point in his life when he when he found himself snorting cocaine off his dog.

Busey who claims he has been sober for 13 years, couldn’t help himself when his dog got into stash and rolled in a supply of the drug. So what’s a bat-shit crazy dude to do? Well according to Access Hollywood, Busey “went in like a cropduster with my nose flying first and snorted the cocaine off the dog.”

But he got more than he bargained for: “You get a little bugs, you get little hairs, you get grease and goo from the ground; it’s not at all a healthy thing to do. But when you’re an addict, you don’t think of health, you think about destruction of yourself unconsciously.” Ew.

So now that the doggie nose candy event is out in the open, it begs the question “What else had Gary Busey snorted coke off of?” Lucky for you we just happen to have a list.

-Gary Sinise. In an attempt to align their Garyness chi, some crazy shit went down.

-A giant Mayor McCheese on a McDonalds Playland in Missoula, Montana. Because why not?

-His own wiener. This led to a stint in rehab and a stint in physical therapy

-A beta tape of DC Cab.

-Ryan Seacrest’s interview with Jennifer Garner and Laura Linney.

-The gerbil from those Richard Gere rumors.

-A fleeting assemblance of sanity.

-His cat.

So we’re always wondering what our dog Muriel is thinking. Sure we occasionally let her lose on Trashy Celebs but it’s usually to comment on animal related issues like the Michael Vick Trial or The Westminster Dog show. Today was a slow news day at least in terms of celebs doing nasty, nasty things (at least by our standards) so we decided to prob Muriel’s past. First we sat her down to her favorite meal of Basil spice thai chicken and a bottle of Jameson whiskey and went ahead with our prob.

Trashy Celebs: So Muriel, we know you come from a farm in Virginia but we really don’t know a whole lot about your past.

Muriel: I AM IN FACT FROM A FARM IN VIRGINIA BUT MY FAMILY ROOTS GO MUCH DEEPER THAN A MODEST AGRICULTURAL BACK GROUND.

TC: Really, we always assumed your mom and dad both enjoyed a fragrant feast of kitty turds.

Muriel: THAT IS NOT THE CASE AT ALL. IN FACT MY GREAT, GREAT GRANDMOTHER ENJOYED QUITE A TURN AS A HOLLYWOOD LEADING LADY.

TC: Oh Muriel, I’m not so sure we believe you on that one. I think you’re just trying to get a heaping mound of Snasauges.

Muriel: THAT IS NOT THE CASE OWNER AMY. HERE I HAVE FOUND A YOUTUBE CLIP OF GREAT GRANDMA THE PUG MURGATROYD (AKA QUEENIE) IN HER FIRST STARING ROLE. AND DONUT JUDGE ME. GREAT GRANDMA MURGATROYD DID FALL VICTIM TO THE HOLLYWOOD CASTING COUCH.

TC: Ok, let’s take a look

TC: Ok, wow that is disturbing.

Muriel: YES SHE COULD PUT IT AWAY WITH THE BEST OF THEM. FUNNY STORY, IN THE END SHE MARRIED THAT LUSH BULLDOG PASSED OUT IN THE PLAID CAP.

TC: Dammit! I knew you weren’t a purebred. No wonder you were cheap.

Natalie Portman walks into a dog park with an umbrella under her arm and an organic fruit beverage in her hand. The punchline to this one is actually a lot funnier than any “walks into a bar” joke as a scruffy mutt mistakes Queen Amidala for a tree stump. Yep, she done gone and got peed on. Judging by the picture below courtesy of D-listed, Natalie is more surprised than pissed off (ha, ha) but seriously what do you do if you’re the dog’s owner? You’re out on a beautiful New York afternoon. Your cute little pooch is getting you all kinds of looks from hotties galore and then bang, urine major trouble.

source

Actually, Natalie is a pretty good sport and with further research we learned she laughed off the little pisser and continued on with her day. We just hope she took some time off for a shower and not a golden one…sorry had to go there.

April 7, 2008 — DANE Cook isn’t only despised by other comedians and the public in general, he’s now hated by his Los Angeles neighbors. Cook is at war with the owners of the West Hollywood apartment complex where he lives for not picking up after his dog, Beast. “Neither he nor his girl friend pick up after the dog,” said a source. “They’ve sent him three notices so far over the last year warning him he’ll be evicted, and they have video. The neighbors all hate him.” The landlord has now filed a complaint in court. “Dane vigorously denies the allegations in the complaint and is looking forward to complete vindication through the legal proceedings,” said his rep Ina Treciokas. Another source said “a number of witnesses” will come for ward to speak on Cook’s behalf if the case goes to trial. Last week, we wrote that Cook won a contest for being “The Unfunniest Comic” in America and that he made diva demands during the filming of his TBS World Series baseball commercials last year.

Well we already knew that Dane Cook makes crappy movies, and now Page 6 lets us know that he makes for a crappy yard too. I wonder what pisses the neighbors off more, that Dane Cook lives next door or that he doesn’t pick up after his dog. I mean, I might pick a neighbor who leaves poop all over the yard over a neighbor that is Dane Cook, but maybe that is just me.

I just feel sorry for the dog. I mean, first, his name is “Beast,” which: dumb. And second, he has to live with Dane Cook, which: dumb. I hope at least Dane Cook takes all that money he’s made from bad movies and overrated comedy specials and buys the GOOD dog food. Although if he made that much money, you’d think he could afford a dog walker (who would pick up the poop) or one of those services that come and clean your yard for you. So not only is Dane Cook a bad neighbor, but he’s cheap too. I wonder if it is true that these neighbors have video of Dane and the offensive poop and how long it will be before that shit ends up on YouTube. Frankly, I think it just goes to show how stinky of a comedian Cook is? I mean all this controversy over … not cleaning up after his dog? Shouldn’t we have expected something more creative from a funny guy? Or at least something that had him running around naked or drunk or both? Instead, just more disappointment.

I just wish that Los Angeles would write him a citation for the shitty movies. But if they did that for him, I guess they’d have to do so for 87% of Hollywood as well.

Dane Cook, dog poop

I really wanted to sit on my but and watch Top Chef tonight instead of writing a Trashy Celebs entry. Thankfully, our pug Muriel was in LA on assignment yesterday. Muriel along with socialites Bobby Trendy, and Kim Kardashian were on hand at the launch party for Tori Spelling’s new tell-all book sTORI Telling.

So Muriel what happened at the party? Are things still tense between Tori and her mom Candy Spelling?

Muriel: THAT I DONUT KNOW. I SPENT MOST OF THE NIGHT TALKING SHOP WITH THE MOM TORI’S PUG, MIMI LA RUE.

Oh, Ok. Well did Mimi dish any dirt about Tori’s finances or if she really is as in love with her husband Dean as the Oxygen network makes her out to be.

Muriel: THAT I ALSO DONUT KNOW. WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT MIMI LARUE IS NOT LIKING FRILLY DRESSES SHE IS MADE TO WEAR. SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WANTS TO LEAD THE GLAMOUROUS LIFE, SHE DONUT NEED MAN’S TOUCH, BUT WITHOUT LOVE, IT AIN’T MUCH.

So you’re saying that Tori is neglecting Mimi and concentrating more on her son Liam…wait, did you just quote a Shelia E song?

Muriel: I DONUT KNOW THE SOURCE OF MY WISDOM BUT MIMI TELLS ME SOME DAYS SHE JUST WANTS TO WEAR SWEATS AND NOT SWEATS THAT SAY “JUICY” ON THEM.

I get it, Mimi just wants to be a regular dog who plays outside chasing sticks.

Muriel: CHASING STICKS? WHAT PART OF THE CRACK PILE PIPE ARE YOU SMOKING? MIMI JUST WANTS A NIGHT AT HOME MAYBE IN AN OLD NAVY DOG POLO WITH THE COLLAR POPPED AND NOT OUT EVERY NIGHT WITH THE POOPOOROOTZZI FLASHING THE FLASH FLASHERS AT HER.

Gotcha, well since Tori is having baby number two maybe she’ll slow down. That way Mimi La Rue can have time at home to find new places to leave little pug bombs like you do.

Muriel:I DO THAT BECAUSE I AM BORED WITH THE BACKYARD! DONUT LIKE THE BACKYARD. BACKYARD IS VERY LIMITING.

On that note, my dog and I need to have ourselves a little talk and I need to get some more Nature’s Miracle.

No black snake was moaning but one chimpanzee was groping forehead hottie Christina Ricci on the set of her new movie, Penelope. The movie stars Ricci as woman born with a pig’s nose.

Ricci revealed that she was already intimidated by said chimp Chim Chim who grabbed her left breast while she was filming the flick.

“I’m afraid of monkeys, but I had decided not to be afraid of Chim Chim because no one else is,” Ricci said. “I thought, ‘Everyone else thinks he’s awesome so just be cool. It’s the first day of shooting and I have this kitchen scene where I’m sitting down and Chim Chim is sitting right next to me. Of course, it freaks out during the take and grabs my left breast and will not let go, and he’s so strong.”

Lucky for Ricci, co-star Reese Witherspoon is a monkey ninja and rushed to her rescue along with James McAvoy and Richard E. Grant. Ricci said, “I’m so freaked out and the rest of the actors are facing the other way so no one sees that this has happened to me and I’m like, ‘Help, help’ as quietly and calmly as possible so this thing does not freak out any further. Finally they got him off me but my fear is completely validated and I did not go near him for the rest of the shoot. Monkeys are crazy and you never know what they’ll grab onto - I don’t like unpredictable animals.”

Sure this is a ridiculous and true story and we feel bad for Ms. Ricci and the handsy primate but we really, really wish someone got a picture of it. Luckily that’s why God gave us imaginations and google image search. Close your eyes, picture Ricci either now or during her Wednesday Addams phase and then imagine it was this chimp attacking her.

Happy Friday everyone!

She may not yet be able to speak but Suri Cruise has been offered an animated voice over role. The Scientology spokesbaby may be voicing Knut, the polar bear at the Berlin Zoo, in a feature film!

20 month-old Suri visited Knut with Katie Holmes and now producer Ash R. Shah and his firm, The Animation Picture Company, which brought us the movie version of Garfield, offered the Zoo Berlin $5 million for the rights to Knut’s story.

source
In case you’re not familiar with that story, Knut was abandoned by his crack-herring addicted polar bear momma and penguin pimp-daddy when he was a baby. He was raised by humans and became the #1 attraction at the Berlin zoo. Knut recently turned one and has shown no signs of addictive personality traits.

According to People, Shah said, “With his friendly character, he’s serves as an ambassador for the Earth’s problems – climate change and the melting polar ice caps. A movie about Knut would affect people all over the world.”

What the freak ever. I seriously doubt Suri can even say L. Ron Hubbard much less voice a whole animated film. And what if when she does finally speak her voice is that of a young Carol Channing? Well helloooo Tommy! Please stop pimping me out.

Suri Cruise, Tom Cruise, Knut, L. Ron Hubbard, Carol Channing

Amy Winehouse hasn’t been on her A game recently after the whole wonky drug incidents and crappy concert antics, but now she could have PETA after her bony ass. The troubled Rehab singer has been accused of killing a poor little furry hamster. Peter Pepper, from band Palladium (nope, never heard of them either but we still get excited about Bananarama), says he found his beloved hamster Georgie Porgie dead after he had been drinking with Amy at his girlfriend’s party in North London last year.

“Georgie was a birthday present and we’d got him out to play with in the morning. I’d been to bed, but Amy had stayed up and was still going strong and had drunk the drinks cabinet dry,” he told The Mirror. “The next thing I know, it bites me, runs off and Amy says she’ll catch it. I was a bit suspicious when she said she was good with hamsters.”

“I went to put a plaster on my finger and by the time I came back Amy said she’d put it to bed and it was sleeping,” he explained. “But just hours later the hamster was stone cold and hard. I don’t know what she did to it - it was probably crack!”

But apparently Pepper has never confronted Wino about the slaughter.

“I’ve never directly accused her of killing my hamster as I’m too scared. She can be quite fierce,” he said. “That day last year was quite traumatic. Not only did I have to deal with a dead hamster, but for some reason Amy had also managed to unplug the freezer and flooded the whole kitchen and utility room. She can be a bit mental sometimes.”

Ohh, not too good for Winehouse. Maybe she was hoping Mr. Pepper’s hamster would have a little dancing time with her a’la the old hamster dance website. Speaking of hamster dance, that’s just the best stuff. We love mildly irritating internet songs. Like the peanut butter jelly song and Badger, Badger, Badger. Good times, good times my friends. But anyway, RIP Georgie and remember if Amy Winehouse offers to pet sit, just say No.

Amy Winehouse, Peter Pepper, PETA, Palladium