Trashy Celebs

Yeah, yeah, so not much celeb trashousity going on today. Michael Phelps won’t be busted for smoking the pot, Chris Brown asked for help from Jesus himself for getting over his womanbeatyness (Jesus told him to take a number) and someone beat the ever-loving snot out of Suge Knight (again). We really didn’t feel the need to elaborate on any of these stories but as we feel the need to entertain our 3.6 readers, may we present cheese rolling down a hill. Yes! I said big hunks of mother fuckin’ cheese rollin’ down a mother fuckin’ hill in mother fuckin’ Switzerland. Now this isn’t any cheese, it’s Amazing Race cheese which debuted Sunday night. Check it.

We’re huge fans of The Amazing Race but from the looks of it, hilarity will ensue this season, especially since lily-white screenwriter Mike White and his gay day are two of the teams. In fact, that’s his dad, Mel White saying “Don’t let the cheese hit me!” If I had a dime for every time I felt the need to yell don’t let the cheese hit me well…never mind.

We could seriously watch cheese roll down a hill all night, especially with the added bonus of drunk farm hands in matching blue outfits yucking it up at the team’s expense. Whoever came up with this task is right up there with whoever had the idea to put a little person in a suit of armor. Remember Knight Charla?

If you’re not watching the race, you can see what you’re missing. Next week’s preview has people being hit in the face with pies. We’re so there!

And no wonder he pretty much always wears your basic jeans and tshirts (although I am sure they are much much more expensive than the jeans and tshirts you or I might wear.) The Sun published some photos taken sometime in the late 70s of Simon Cowell on vacation. Check out the fluffy, feathered hair. Check out the smoothy, hairless chest!

I wonder if Cowell waxed back then (did anyone wax in the 70s wax?) or if he grew all his chest and arm hair since then. Surprisingly, he is even almost smiling in that picture. Maybe if he took vacations and fluffed his hair more often he would be nicer to all those wanna-be singers auditioning on American Idol. But hey, at least he is not wearing suspenders! Oh, wait:

Yeah, wow. Watch out American Idol contestants. Now that these pictures have hit the media, Mr. Cowell is going to be crankier than ever.

Pictures via The Sun.

Oh David Hasselhoff! You scamp! Selling pictures of yourself on the internet! And sure, I know most celebrities have some version of that somewhere, but you are a step ahead of them all! You are selling HOLIDAY THEMED pictures of yourself on the internet. Genius! Who cares that your career is in the toilet and that more people know you from that youtube video of you drunkenly eating a hamburger than from your triumphant role on the seminal 80s television show Knight Rider. (And it must be killing you that you haven’t been invited back for the far inferior current version of the show.)

But wait, upon closer inspection I see that these are NOT holiday themed pictures! They are regular pictures surrounded by holiday themed advertising! David Hasselhoff, why you trying to play me? Sure that one picture of you in that fur-like king’s cape sort of looks Santa like, but that was just a coincidence. You couldn’t take a couple of new pictures to see for the holidays? Maybe wearing a nice sweater carving a turkey? Or wearing a yarmulke and lighting the menorah? Or an actual Santa suit? I gotta tell you, Hoff, I feel ripped off.

Martha down y’all. Martha Stewart had Snoop Dogg on her show yesterday and of course hilarity ensued. Not only does Martha throw down some serious Snoop ebonics but she and the D O double G share a moment around a paring knife. Aww, they both “shanked” someone in prison.

Rachael Ray blew a gasket or two at the Union Square Village Market when she saw some veggies that weren’t to her liking. For a full 10 minutes all the perky mogul could do was scream out YUCK-O instead of her usual Yum-o. But it is New York so people did what they normally do when a nut job goes off in public, they ignored her.

So the 24-hour Beijing channel is now gone so what will we do? Watch the 24-hour Democratic National Convention channel of course. Yes, we tried to look over the HUGE head of Wolf Blitzer to try and watch some of the speakers they were talking over but thankfully they shut the F up during Ted Kennedy (he lobes us gays and we lob him back).

All in all it was probably for the best because of the speeches I saw, they were pretty boring. No mention of the war, the economy, the gas sitch but maybe they’re just trying to ease us into that stuff. The most exciting part (save the ladies in the over-patriotic vests) was the little sound-o-meter on the left hand side of the screen. Just in case you don’t know who’s popular and who sucks the wind out of the room. That little device told you how fired up the crowd was.

But the very best part of the night came after Michelle Obama gave the keynote address and then brought she and Barack’s two adorable daughters Malia Ann and Natasha out on stage. After waving to the crowd Barack popped up via satellite from some random couch in Kansas City, MO. Despite the screen graphic saying Kansas City, MO Barack addressed everyone by announcing he was having a nice visit with this family in St. Louis. The family kept smiling not wanting to embarrass the next president of the US with a small mistake but little Natasha wasn’t going to let her dad off the hook.

“What city are you in Daddy?” the seven year old said with a smirk. “I’m in Kansas City sweetheart,” replied Barack probably not noticing his mistake. Hmm, maybe it would take more seven year-olds in politics to speak the truth and keep it real. Don’t you agree?

I’ve always thought of Judge Judy as a total hard ass, but watch her haul ass out of the studio during the recent earthquake in Los Angeles. The old girl doesn’t even stop to dismiss court or bang a gavel or anything!

I guess you don’t have to worry about the “all rise!” stuff when there is a natural disaster taking place. But still, you’d think that Judy could have stuck around for a few more minutes, as officer of the court, to offer guidance and reassurance to the dirtbag litigants (who also aren’t apparently too bright, since they continued to stand there under heavy lights during a friggin’ earthquake.) Isn’t the judge sort of like the captain of a ship? Shouldn’t the judge go down with the courtroom? Even if it isn’t so much a courtroom but rather a sound stage, and even if she’s not so much a judge, but actually is acting as an arbiter.

Judge Judy has been described as “a show where justice is dispensed at the speed of light.” Apparently, the judge is also dispensed to a safe room at the speed of light at the first sign of trouble. I have to wonder if her bench is like the display room in the National Archives where the original Constitution and Declaration of Independence are on display. At the first sign of trouble, those suckers are lowered into a sealed vault for safekeeping, tourists be damned. The same must be true of Judge Judy, our national treasure! So, people, hate the game, not the gamer!

So the rumor (story?) is coming back again that Ms. Lance Bass may be joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars. Unfortunately, the gay community and my grandma will have to wait until mid-August when the official lineup is announced to know for sure.

And of course the rumors are flying that the former N’SYNCer will be dancing with a dude. Sweet! We’d totally watch that but we’re wondering if ABC would have the balls to let Bass tango with another set of balls. Reps from ABC had no comments, at least not to us but maybe we’d have better luck if we had tried to contact someone and not watched an episode of Shear Genius off our Tivo.

Still as much as we need another reality show time suck, I’d watch Lance shake his bass to some big band or at the very least faint like Marie Osmond. Or, maybe if Grey’s Anatomy is in between shoots Patrick Dempsey can do it.

Can’t Buy Me Love was such a classic good-bad movie. I remember going to see that with my next door neighbor and getting in trouble because I wasn’t suppose to call my Pop-Pop for rides. But what the F mom? I was 14, I couldn’t drive and it’s not like Pop-Pop was doing much else. He didn’t mind being my ride. Whatever, I’m over it.

Anyway, McDreamy has got the moves ABC. C’mon, he’s under contract make him repeat this gem on the dance floor. Or as Lori kindly added “McDreamy? How about McGay.”

Justin Timberlake, 2007:

Justin Timberlake, 1992:

Wouldn’t you just love to hear him cover that song during his next concert tour? And I’m sure we are all glad that he has taken some dance lessons since then, although you can see a bit of the Michael Jackson influence there, even at age 11 while singing a Garth Brooks song. I almost expected him to break into a moondance.

Still, this is a little bit of history that any Justin Timberlake fan should enjoy. I know I sure did! Ha! And I wonder why in the world he is wearing a hat that is practically bigger than he is.

Eric Dane is on the beach showing some butt cleavage. This shot apparently came from the set of a new movie Mr. Look-at-my-butt Dane is currently shooting in Miami. Apparently the movie being shot is Marley & Me with Owen Wilson, and to my understanding, this movie is about a guy and a dog, so I don’t quite understand how that lends itself to hot guys showing off their butts on a beach, but I’m sure there are more than a few people out there that are glad it did.

source

I wonder if anyone snuck up behind him and dropped a quarter in there and then asked where their can of soda or bad of chips is and then shook him like he was a broken vending machine. Does anyone try to grab celebrities on th beach anymore or do they just whip out their iPhones and try to get the ass shot for their blogs? Either way, I can’t believe Mr. Dane didn’t feel the cool breeze on his top shelf there and give his pants a little yank. Or if he did mean to show that much crack then I sure hope he slapped some Coppertone on there.

Eric Dane

Things are a little (olay a lot) busy in the Trash Talkin’ household today, but I didn’t want to leave you without any trash to talk yourselves, so here are some blind items I spotted over on Gawker. Some of them are pretty obvious, some of them are a little hard to figure out and all of them are fun (and sometimes gross.) Enjoy.

* What couple almost split up during the making of that movie because she was on fire with jealousy that he got to show his actual talent? (No worries. It totally bombed.)
* Which top anchor is a bottom?
* Which pop star is a top? (Or so goes the legend; actually, he and one of his hot boyfriends switched positions and loved it.)
* Which female politician once slept with a rabbi’s sister, according to an American Idol personality who’s a friend of the rabbi?
* What much younger songstress has very little actual chemistry with the husband, probably because she’s a big old lesbo?
* Which pasty-white club mess (with his friends) blithely walked out on a check at Beige (after insanely trying to get me to pay it) and was thrown out of Hiro for choking his boyfriend, the same week he was featured in New York magazine’s Look Book? What same guy became the subject of restraining tactics by a stylist when he kept using the stylist’s name to get free clothes long after he ceased working for him? (Oh, did I mention he’s also a thief?)
* What cute, young guy, who’s Hollywood royalty, recently had a heartwarming experience peeing into a trannie’s anus, only to have all kinds of shit shoot out?
* Which exotic, young hotshot designer has been supposedly doing it with that black rapper with many children?

blind items

Jane Fonda went on the Today show dropping bigger bombs than Monster In-Law. Uh-Huh I said it. While making an appearance with Eve Ensler to promote the 10th anniversary of Ensler’s play the Vagina Monologues, the 70-year old let her potty mouth fly.

This all went down as Fonda was relaying a lovely story about how she was asked to perform a monologue with a slang term for vagina as the title — and then she said a word that I’d like to pretend older ladies like my grandma had never ever heard before. Grandma, if you’re reading this she said Helen Hunt. Don’t question why that’s bad, it just is.

If you’re not my grandma, take a look at Fonda in action and then Meredith Vieira apologizing to god-fearing people for offending them and the baby Jesus.

We think this is rather hilarious but others weren’t giggling. “There is no excuse for airing one of the most patently offensive words in the English language on broadcast television, especially at the breakfast hour,” Parent Television Council (PTC) president Tim Winter, a former NBC employee, said in a statement Thursday.

All this comes on the tails of Diane Keaton saying “Fuck” on ABC’s Good Morning America (does menopause make you curse like a sailor?) Shit, maybe I need to start watching the networks in the morning instead of Robin and Company on Headline News. Dr. Sanjay Gupta never gets racier than talking about a colon problem.

But we really think America is wound a little too tight. While flipping channels if I can accidentally see someone with a nail through their head on TLC or Ann Coulter’s face anywhere, then I think it’s ok if I hear “Cunt” before nine A.M. Whoops, sorry Grandma, I meant to say that pig in Babe was a Runt. Happy Belated Valentine’s Day!

Well, it seems that the Trash Talkers are the last to hear this one: Apparently Tyra Banks pooped herself at fashion week. Seriously, internets, why am I the last to know about this? My grandma even knew about it and she’s not even online! I don’t know how I missed this one, but even though it is slightly old news, I’m not going to miss out on the chance to use “Tyra Banks” and “pooped herself” in the same sentence.

I hope she wasn’t wearing that outfit when it happened. Those stains would be forever!

Anyway, every single website on the internet, including my banking website, Ron Paul’s site, and the Chronicle of Higher Education are posting this excerpt from the blog of one Fabian Basabe, who was covering fashion week for some newspaper or magazine or something. Who cares? He saw Tyra poop herself!

i arranged to do it backstage at the tents in the w suite. Just when I start getting comfortable and ready, a group of madmen and madwomen storm in and take possession of the suite because… ready?… Tyra Banks messed herself and needed to change. Now, let’s break this down: messing oneself should not happen if you are older that 5 or younger than 90. if it happens and in fact you are older than 5 or younger that 90, then it should be one, single, very unfortunate episode which will bound you to be made fun of forever and you can’t complain about it. Now I would like to bring to your attention that Tyra’s people carried a change of clothes for her at NYC fashion week. Hmmmh… could it be that Tyra messed herself before? or just that her entourage is so organized that in case tyra would ever, maybe, possibly mess herself that one time, they have a change of clothes? I don’t know…”

I really don’t think it is all that surprising that Tyra’s people had a change of clothes on hand for her. I mean, it was at fashion week which is allegedly all about clothes, so why wouldn’t a famous former fashion model consider a change of clothes halfway through? And if they do just carry around a change of clothes for her because she has a habit of pooping herself in public places (or even private places) then we should all be envious that she has such great people, who clean her up and give her fresh panties, instead of calling every single person they have ever met in their entire lives to tell them that their boss poops herself at fashion week, and oh, yeah, their boss just happens to be Tyra Banks.

Listen to books on your Apple iPod.

Tyra Banks, fashion week, Fabian Basabe, Ron Paul

No black snake was moaning but one chimpanzee was groping forehead hottie Christina Ricci on the set of her new movie, Penelope. The movie stars Ricci as woman born with a pig’s nose.

Ricci revealed that she was already intimidated by said chimp Chim Chim who grabbed her left breast while she was filming the flick.

“I’m afraid of monkeys, but I had decided not to be afraid of Chim Chim because no one else is,” Ricci said. “I thought, ‘Everyone else thinks he’s awesome so just be cool. It’s the first day of shooting and I have this kitchen scene where I’m sitting down and Chim Chim is sitting right next to me. Of course, it freaks out during the take and grabs my left breast and will not let go, and he’s so strong.”

Lucky for Ricci, co-star Reese Witherspoon is a monkey ninja and rushed to her rescue along with James McAvoy and Richard E. Grant. Ricci said, “I’m so freaked out and the rest of the actors are facing the other way so no one sees that this has happened to me and I’m like, ‘Help, help’ as quietly and calmly as possible so this thing does not freak out any further. Finally they got him off me but my fear is completely validated and I did not go near him for the rest of the shoot. Monkeys are crazy and you never know what they’ll grab onto - I don’t like unpredictable animals.”

Sure this is a ridiculous and true story and we feel bad for Ms. Ricci and the handsy primate but we really, really wish someone got a picture of it. Luckily that’s why God gave us imaginations and google image search. Close your eyes, picture Ricci either now or during her Wednesday Addams phase and then imagine it was this chimp attacking her.

Happy Friday everyone!

Ms. Gravity showed her face again this weekend when she was witnessed making a surprise move on Paris Hilton, challenging her to a thumb-wrestling match as Hilton stepped out of a car. The reason for the altercation is unclear, but seems to have some relation to a bad experience Ms. Gravity had in a Hilton-owned hotel in late 2005.

“You see, girl, I was staying at a Hampton Inn in Billings, Montan-an-ya and that place was a S-H-I-T hole, and I will tell you that for free,” Ms. Gravity stated as she pulled out a compact and fixed her hair and lipstick after the altercation with Hilton. “There was no turnback service, I had to get my own ice, and there were only five towels in the bathroom! And a diet Coke from room service cost $4. That is how the Hilton family made all their damn money, by overcharging for soda pop. It’s a damn crime, and I will tell you that for free. Knocking over the skinny bitch won’t make up for the lack of fresh bagels at the free breakfast buffet, but it sure made Ms. Gravity feel better, mmmhmmm!”

Paris Hilton, after being told of Ms. Gravity’s complaint, merely mumbled “that’s hott” as she texted her new BFF Danielle Sea and pulled a spare purse dog out of a collection stored in her glove compartment. She went on to say that she loved thumb-wrestling and that she used to make her nannies play for her against her sister’s nannies when they were kids. “My nanny was the champion in the neighborhood,” she said as she made another call on her iPhone. She then offered go two-out-of-three with Ms. Gravity but was escorted away by her bodyguards before the second match could take place.

Paris Hilton, Ms. Gravity, Hampton Inn, thumb wresting