Trashy Celebs

So kind of like my bat mitzvah, my 18th birthday party and the night I lost my virginity all rolled into one, Drew Barrymore’s birthday party this past weekend was bits of awesome and bits of horrendous. Drew celebrated in Vegas at The Palazzo casino with a group of pals including Ellen Page and Kristen Wiig. Ok, big time awesomeness there. Especially awesome if Kristen had some doll hands with her.

“When they arrived, the group strolled through The Palazzo casino singing and dancing to old-school jams on her book box while walking up to their suites,” says a source. Ok, now that sounds pretty douchey, especially if they were wearing their hair in ponytails off to the side sporting sunglasses that look like Venetian blinds.

The party raged in the luxurious 3000 square-foot 2-bedroom Penthouse Suite where Drew promptly changed into a short black sequined backless frock while Page stuck to jeans. Ok, hot and well, yah we haven’t seen Ellen in much besides jeans (at least we haven’t seen her looking comfortable in anything but that.)

After a dinner at LAVO, the group found their way to the restaurant’s outdoor hookah patio where and then back to the room for a party. That sounds fun. We wish we could get some more details about Drew and Ellen. Unfortunately, we couldn’t but we did dig up that Drew and Ellen are pretty close and that, they were standing “arm in arm” at a Cat Power show at Avalon Hollywood on Feb. 10, “Drew rested her head on Ellen’s shoulder and rubbed her nose on her neck,” an onlooker says. Oh we like that, not that we’re having impure thoughts about those two but it’s a much better thought than anything the L Word has barfed up lately.

Last year’s Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show best in show winner was arrested moments before this year’s contest was to commence. The New York police department announced that Uno, last year’s top beagle, was being investigated for allegedly assaulting an unidentified bitch the night before. Uno turned himself in to authorities and was briefly held before posting $50,000 bail Sunday night, dog house records showed.

Details are sketchy at this point but insiders say that Uno and longtime companion Cheerio the Pomeranian, were both slated to be lead around by large women in comfortable shoes last night. However, both separately dropped out at the last minute. The victim of Uno’s alleged assault wasn’t immediately identified, but other Westminster competitors volunteered tails of abusive behavior and unrelenting butt sniffing from the beagle towards Cheerio.

Brando, a Dougue e Bordeaux, who’s close to Uno spoke to the press inside the Pennsylvania hotel near Madison Square Garden late yesterday.

“Ever since taking Westminster last year, Uno’s been a little out of control. I accompanied him to a frat party at the University of South Carolina last November where he proceeded to get totally wasted, taking bong hit after bong hit. It’s a good thing no one had opposable thumbs, much less a cell phone to document his behavior.”

“Maybe this will serve as a wake-up call,” said the hulking dog before retreating to his room to chew on a squeaky yellow duckie.

Fallout from the arrest has already begun. Wrigley has reportedly dropped their Doublemint gum sponsorship with Uno as has Snasauges.

So far no one from the Cheerio camp has spoken out on the incident but it’s reported the Pom is headed back to the Bahamas to spend time with family.

So we’re just getting back into the swing of things here in Trashy Celebrity land. We flew back from the land o’ Raven’s Football mania and Barack Obama plates at Walgreen’s late Friday night and aren’t too happy about being at work today. However there are some bright spots that will guide us through our first week back grinding away.

Number One - Old Abba video celebrating the New Year. Apparently this gem gets some play every year in Sweden, as it should. We really wish this ditty would have been played at our New Year’s party although Madonna was a righteous substitute. Check it.

Number Two - Ravens Football. Ok, so we did come from the frantic land o’ purple but we are one of them. We love how the rookie head coach John Harbaugh and unibrowed rookie QB Joe Flacco have revitalized Charm City football and citywide optimism and unity. Let’s go Ravens!

Number Three - The existence of Jeremy Piven, Beyonce, Lindsay Lohan, Madonna, Angelina Jolie and others. I mean really, these guys provide us with bountiful gossip, countless fits of douchebaggery and post after post of unbelievable dittys of inane behavior. We may get paid one one-thousandth of what you make and have never been invited to the VIP section of The Ivy but keep the shear volume of stupidity coming and we’ll be sure to document it in a semi-accurate manner.

We hope everyone had a happy new year’s and promise to keep it real in 2009, real snarky.

…. because someone has finally managed to shut Ann Coulter the hell up! Yes, America’s un-favorite super ultra right-wing gasbag has her jaw wired shut! Hear that? Yes, sweet, sweet silence.

Oh I so do wish a picture of this existed, but instead we can only imagine Coulter getting more and more frustrated as she can’t rant and rave her crazy bullshit (especially as the more liberal government is beginning to take control). Her face getting all red, her eyes bugging out of her flat little head, and her thumbs cramping from frantically trying to type everything she can’t say into her Blackberry. Or maybe she started a blog “Ann Coulter’s Wired Jaw” on blogspot and is sitting around in her pajamas with her hair all ratty trying to pretend she will be the next Ariana Huffington (except with more offensive statements.)

Whatever. Maybe she is taking a vacation on a beach somewhere and will find her heart washed up on the sand. Maybe a few days in the sun and evenings on the beach will chill her out, and she’ll reappear in a few weeks, to squeak out an “sorry for being such a buttcrack.” Hey, the holidays are coming, so why not add that to my Amazon wish list.

So you’ve probably heard this by now but Ellen Degeneres and girlfriend Portia de Rossi were wed in a ceremony at their Beverly Hills home Saturday night.

Ellen kept it real…real small by only inviting around 20 friends and family and no celeb guests at all. The wedding wasn’t a huge shock since the day after the California Supreme Court struck down a ban on gay marriage by ruling it unconstitutional, DeGeneres announced on her talk show that she and de Rossi were planning to tie the knot.

source

We’re really happy for Ellen and Portia and while Trashy Celebs were not one of the 20 folks in Beverly Hills this weekend, we were at a gay wedding ourselves on Saturday night. Our two dear friends and former STL neighbors tied the knot down in Asheville in a super sweet outdoor wedding. While they’re not celebs, they do love Hollywood gossip. So ladies you’re probably not reading this from your Honeymoon trip but we wish you all the happiness in the world and are so happy to be your friends.

Anyway, enough sweetness. We’ll return tomorrow with reports about someone flashing their lady business in public or getting arrested for fellating an underaged drunk squirrel.

We usually don’t watch the Tyra Banks hosted reality show America’s Next Top Model but now we may have a new reason. Yes, us not watching something supergay, catty and dramatic, might surprise you but we liek to remain slightly mysterious. Anyway, the next season of America’s Next Top Model will feature 14 girls competing but one of those girls used to be a boy.

Isis (she’s just too fabulous for a last name), who is a 22 year old former receptionist, is from Prince George’s County, Maryland (MD represent!). She tells Us Magazine “My cards were dealt differently.” Adding that she identifies herself as “a woman born physically male.” Thank you for the lesson in what a transgenered person is Us.

Anyway, we plan on tuning in because even if Isis is a piss poor model, you know they’ll keep her around till the end because it’ll make good tv and you know they’ll be at least a few utterances of “Oh now she did not!”

But in all seriousness, trans visibility is great for the community as a whole. GLAAD president Neil Giuliano says this marks “an unprecedented opportunity for a community that is underrepresented on television. We applaud Tyra Banks and The CW for making this historic visibility of transgender people possible.”

“I like to help people, but I’m here to follow my dreams,” Isis tells Us. Still we’ll watch for the potential ensuing train wreck this is destined to be. If you’re interested, the new season of ANTM debuts on September 3rd.

Project Runway guru Tim Gunn, is getting some serious haute couture bucks for just showing up to an event. Sources close to Gunn who also hosts his own TV show and is Chief Creative Officer for Liz Claiborne, say he gets close to $30,000 for public appearances. Damn Tim you do make it work!

So the big girl who played the lead in the new movie version of Hairspray (who’s not Ricki Lake),Nikki Blonsky got into a bitch-slap off with America’s Next Top Model contestant Bianca Golden in the Caribbean last week. In turn they both were arrested for assaulting each other in a Caribbean airport and have since been released from jail. That is with the exception of Nikki’s father who was arrested also and remains in jail. Bianca’s mother was seriously injured and remains in the hospital

Sgt. Calvin Chase from the Providenciales Police Department in the Turks and Caicos Islands said the fight erupted in the departure lounge of the Providenciales International Airport after everyone had gone through security. “Things got out of hand in an argument over seats in the departure lounge, and several people were involved in an altercation.” There were some injuries involved.”

Nikki was charged with assault with actual bodily harm, which carries a maximum sentence of two years, and common assault, with a 90-day maximum term. Her father Carl was charged with grevious bodily harm, meaning the victim was injured so severely they needed immediate medical care. The charge carries a five-year maximum sentence. Carl will remain in jail for nine days until a hearing is set on his bail. Bianca Golden was charged with assault with actual bodily harm.

I really don’t have a super snarky response to this story other than I wonder what really happened and if anyone said “oh no you didn’t.” And for those of you who have seen Hairspray there are many ways to rewrite the lyrics to this one based on this little incident.

I amuse myself and hopefully you. Vote for my graph on graph jam. Go to Graphjam, click on vote and find my hilarity.

more song chart memes

Nearly 30 years after his asasination at San Francisco’s city hall, Harvey Milk the first openly gay U.S. supervisor rose from the dead Thursday just to bitch slap Tila Tequila. “You know I could have come back to life to help Cleve Jones start the AIDS Quilt project, or even see who this Madonna person is, but this big-headed bimbo just woke me from my slumber,” said Milk. “Pardon my candor but I really can’t wait to slap the black off her and I know she’s Vietnamese,” added the usually eloquent Milk.

What did Tequila say to raise the dead? Well according to Usmagazine, Tila says she played a part in California recently dropping its ban on gay marriage.

“It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement,” she told Usmagazine.com at the Hollywood premiere of The Love Guru on Wednesday.

“Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships],” she said. “Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.”

Poof! Just like that?

Tequilia who is best known for making men and women compete for her love by pole dancing and eating bison dong is not exactly at the pulse of the gay comunity

“You know what I think I need to wake up Barbara and let her have a go at this trollup as well,” said Milk referring to lesbian activist and Daughters of Bilitis founder Barbara Gittings who passed away in February of last year.

“Whaaaat” said Tequila when approached by the two decaying gay-rights icons. “Something smells all funky in here and I know it ain’t me.”

No word as to what went down after that.

Early Sunday morning, reports flooded into Star Magazine that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were married in New Orleans Sunday night. “There were two weddings, one planned and one unplanned,” one source told Star. “Brad and Angelina’s was the planned ceremony. The weather wasn’t good, so we were indoors.” After further investigation, the sources are not standing by their story. Brad and Angelina’s reps have not commented. DOH, number one Star Magazine.

DOH number two came when People Magazine lashed out like a know-it-all older sibling when a source close to the couple told them there was no wedding. In fact, the Pitt- Jolies weren’t even in New Orleans this weekend. The family was there two weeks ago as Pitt broke ground on his Make It Right project to help rebuild the city’s Lower Ninth Ward – but they have recently been in the Austin, Texas, area while Pitt films Tree of Life with Sean Penn.

Also, I kind of recall Branjelina saying they wouldn’t toe the knot until everyone could (meaning the homos). So I think Star Magazine was hoping beyond hope they could be the first to report the news but should really go back to talking about how fat Kirstie Alley is.

George Michael is planning a U.S. Tour! A tour! Finally! A tour of the U.S.!

George Michael plans first U.S. tour in 17 years

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - George Michael has a lot of “Faith” in his North American fans. The British pop singer on Monday unveiled plans for his first tour of the United States and Canada in 17 years, beginning June 17 at San Diego Sports Arena.

The 22-date arena trek runs through August 3 at the BankAtlantic Center in Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

Tickets for the “25 Live” tour go on sale to the general public on April 6th, a week after fan club members get first dibs. Ticketmaster currently lists one show, the July 7 gig at Saint Paul, MN., where the top price is $175.

While his international appeal remains strong, Michael’s profile in the United States has waned over the past decade, although his last album, 2004’s “Patience,” managed to peak at No. 12 thanks to an appearance on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”

Michael, 44, rose to fame in the early 1980s as one-half of the singing duo Wham! and enhanced his popularity with his solo debut, 1987’s “Faith,” which has been certified for U.S. shipments in excess of 10 million copies. It included the hit singles “Father Figure,” “I Want Your Sex Parts 1 & 2″ and the title track.

Subsequent efforts did not sell nearly as well, and Michael’s career ground to a halt in the early 1990s when he unsuccessfully sued Sony to get out of his contract. In 1998, he was arrested for lewd conduct in Beverly Hills, and subsequently disclosed his homosexuality.

The European leg of his “25 Live” tour took him to 12 countries where he performed 80 shows for some 1.3 million fans, according to a statement.

The North American tour will promote a double-disc hits set, the second of his career. “Twenty-Five” is scheduled for U.S. release on April 1, a decade after Michael issued the retrospective “Ladies & Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael.”

I was excited to hear about this tour, because I have been a fan of George Michael’s ever since way back in the day when my local small town radio station would break in during American Top 40 with Casey Kasem to play “I Want Your Love” in place of the evil, immoral “I Want Your Sex.” I probably danced to “Father Figure” at my prom, sang along to “Faith” as I drove around in my car, and pretended that “Monkey” was somehow relevant to my life. And when I was an older and wiser college girl, I listened to “Freedom 90″ and pretended it was also relevant to my life (and I still do that today, as it’s my favorite George Michael song.) So now, as a wiser woman in her 30s, I finally have the resources to buy tickets and go shake my ass along with all the other gays. BUT GEORGE MICHAEL IS NOT COMING TO MY MIDWESTERN CITY.

George, why do you break my heart so? I stuck by you through the scandals, the coming out, the bathroom solicitation, the park hookups with random British men. Why can’t you come to my Midwestern city? I promise you, we have many public parks and rest rooms to choose from.

Hokie Spirit Memorial Fund

April 16, 2007, will be remembered as one of the darkest days in the history of the Virginia Tech community and the world beyond.

To remember and honor the victims of those tragic events, the university has established the Hokie Spirit Memorial Fund to aid in the healing process and generate financial support.

The fund will be used to cover expenses including but not limited to:

• Grief counseling
• Memorials
• Communication expenses
• Comfort expenses
• Incidental needs

If you plan to give, please click the link below: