Trashy Celebs

“Hey there baby. You’re hungry. I’m lactating, step up to my mammaries and chow the fuck down.” At least that’s our interpretation of what the conversation between Salma Hayek and this here African baby.

The story goes sumthin’ like this. The Ugly Betty star was visiting a hospital in war-torn Sierra Leone when she met a woman unable to feed her starving tot. Salma gladly came to her aid and fed the baby, ignoring the TV cameras.

Salma said: “The baby was perfectly healthy, but the mother did not have any milk.”

“He was very hungry - I was weaning my daughter Valentina, but I still had a lot of milk, so I breastfed the baby. It was amazing because he’s really looking at me and he’s very little. My baby is one year so she can suck a lot harder.”

Here’s video of it if you dare.

Salma doesn’t worry about what her daughter would think about sharing her mom’s famous ta-tas.

“I actually think my baby would be very proud to be able to share her milk and when she grows up I will make sure she continues to share and be a generous and caring person,” she said.

Awww. So I probably should have heard this gossip from my mom since this segment appeared on Nightline last thursday. You’d think celebrity breasts would have made news quicker than this. I mean we’re usually slow with the gossip but this is like 14.4 modem slow. C’mon internets, you’re so much better than that.

Oh the weather outside is frightful and when that happens we like nothing better than to cozy up on the couch and watch some skin slap around. No, not super obese people working out (although The Biggest Loser is a guilty pleasure), I’m talking porn.

The first thing we found combines porn with one of our favorite shows - The Office. Yes it’s the creatively named XXX Office Porn. All those alt.sex.stories newsgroups (those still exist don’t they?) come to life as Jim and Pam hook up for real in a fake office setting.

The boss may be Michelle instead of Michael and favorite Office joke “That’s what she said,” may be used adnauseum but all your favorite’s are sort of represented in a skankier, more well-endowed way. We’re just wondering if the actors look at the camera and shrug if someone shoots their load too soon.

Anyway if you prefer your porn without a hint of sarcasim and eerie familiarity, check out PETA’s supposedly yanked (heh) superbowl ad.

So according to them it’s not ok to wear fur but it’s just fine to diddle yourself with a stalk of broccoli for a televised audience of 500 gazillion people? nice!

We’re kind of not buying that this was ever going to be shown but instead was created to be rejected. PETA is getting a lot more publicity from bloggers like us posting this smut vs. a bunch of drunk folks wondering why models are making a tit salad during the fourth quarter. And I don’t know if vegetarians have better sex but I do know they don’t eat chicken wings and them thangs are good!

No black snake was moaning but one chimpanzee was groping forehead hottie Christina Ricci on the set of her new movie, Penelope. The movie stars Ricci as woman born with a pig’s nose.

Ricci revealed that she was already intimidated by said chimp Chim Chim who grabbed her left breast while she was filming the flick.

“I’m afraid of monkeys, but I had decided not to be afraid of Chim Chim because no one else is,” Ricci said. “I thought, ‘Everyone else thinks he’s awesome so just be cool. It’s the first day of shooting and I have this kitchen scene where I’m sitting down and Chim Chim is sitting right next to me. Of course, it freaks out during the take and grabs my left breast and will not let go, and he’s so strong.”

Lucky for Ricci, co-star Reese Witherspoon is a monkey ninja and rushed to her rescue along with James McAvoy and Richard E. Grant. Ricci said, “I’m so freaked out and the rest of the actors are facing the other way so no one sees that this has happened to me and I’m like, ‘Help, help’ as quietly and calmly as possible so this thing does not freak out any further. Finally they got him off me but my fear is completely validated and I did not go near him for the rest of the shoot. Monkeys are crazy and you never know what they’ll grab onto - I don’t like unpredictable animals.”

Sure this is a ridiculous and true story and we feel bad for Ms. Ricci and the handsy primate but we really, really wish someone got a picture of it. Luckily that’s why God gave us imaginations and google image search. Close your eyes, picture Ricci either now or during her Wednesday Addams phase and then imagine it was this chimp attacking her.

Happy Friday everyone!