Trashy Celebs

Who doesn’t love a fat guy? A fat guy with cheap porn, even better. According to the Best Week Ever blog, Subway spokesman Jared Fogel was known for something a bit naughtier during his Indiana University days. Apparently Fogel ran a very lucrative porno rental biz out of his dorm room that offered an extensive collection of naughtiness.

For only a dollar a day, horny dorm dwellers would come from all over campus to take advantage of Fogel’s value menu. No word if a free cookie was included with that.

Jared Fogel, Subway, pornography, porn, porn rental, cheap porn, free cookie

So is the Kentucky Derby the new Sundance Film Festival? Because is seemed like every celebrity and their mothers, along with the Queen of England, ventured to the Bluegrass State to risk some money on the ponies and to watch Street Sense pound the competition into the track.

But according to Page Six, Kevin Federline was there for a different reason — to look for a new “life” partner:

Downtown at the Stereo party, Kevin Federline was not amused when organizers brought him to a table in the VIP area he deemed was too small and said, “Yo, I need a bigger table - I got six bitches with me.”

After DJ AM finished his set, Federline hi-jacked the microphone from Kid Rock. K-Fed gave “shout-outs” to hot girls in the crowd and screamed, “I got four kids already - which one of you Kentucky girls wants to have my fifth?”

That Federline is one classy guy. Does anyone know if he has a match.com profile?

Kevin Federline, Kentucky Derby, Street Sense, Queen of England, bitches

The 2007 Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival was not just a rockin’ good time but an example of what can happen if you have too much of a rockin’ good time. First off Courtney Love…well there’s really no dirt on her but shit! If you push on her spine just right hundreds of grams of illicit drugs go shooting through her body causing her to look like this.

And we hate to keep picking on Drew Barrymore but look at her. You can almost hear the bong percolating.

Dear Perry Farrell, my mom called. She wants her shirt back.

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In other news the folks at Wonderfalls treatment facility will be pleased to see how well rehab is going for Lindsay Lohan. She apparently took the Hot in Here song literally at Fashion Loves Music Coachella after-party. I’m sure Lindsay wasn’t drinking it was just the ecstasy talking that made her display the bags of fun.

So what did we learn this Coachella? Well, we learned not to borrow clothes from Amy’s Mom without asking. We learned to always carry a box of Nutter Butters with us when we smoke up cause they’re so damn good. We learned rehab is for quitters and we learned that Courtney Love apparently has more lives than a pod of cats.

Perry Farrell, Courtney Love, Drew Barrymore, Lindsay Lohan, Coachella Music Festival, Amy’s Mom, Nutter Butters

So I am an inattentive celebrity blogger because I didn’t even know that Drew Barrymore and Spike Jonze were a couple until I read today that they were spotted macking on each other in public like a couple of teenagers at the prom. I’m no prude, but since when is this acceptable adult behavior? Making out in a booth? And they were at the Sunset Tower Hotel. A hotel! If you are that worked up, get a damn room!

Most interesting to those of us who watch too much Oprah is that the Sunset Tower Hotel is apparently one of Sofia Coppola’s (Spike Jonze’s ex-wife) favorite spots. Passive aggressive much, Spike? Or maybe he’s still just trying to swipe back at her after Lost in Translation. Nice try, Spike, but that movie won an Oscar. You probably just ended up with a cold sore and a huge bar tab.

Or maybe the whole evening was just research for a new film, Being Drew Barrymore where viewers travel into the mind of a woman and find out what it’s like to kiss both Hugh Grant and Jimmy Fallon, not to mention smoke weed with the ex-future Mrs. Justin Timberlake.

Drew Barrymore, Spike Jonze, Sofia Coppola, Lost in Translation, Hugh Grant, Jimmy Fallon, Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake

Girls Gone Wild founder and professional douchbag Joe Francis was sentenced Monday to 35 days in jail after pleading guilty to contempt of court. According to Yahoo! News, Francis was “blowing his nose and wiping away tears” while entering his plea and receiving his sentence.

My first thought: “What a pussy! The man who became a multi-millionaire by objectifying women apparently cried like one when being sentenced to five weeks in what will probably be Camp F’n Cupcake. Sheesh!” But then I heard more about the court proceedings. Apparently, after offering Francis a wide variety of Jello shots and a free “County Jail” tank top, both the judge and several court officers began pressuring Francis to remove his shirt. Soon a baliff produced a video camera and filmed the proceedings as Francis was led away in handcuffs and the judge led a chant of “Take it off! Take it off!”

Upon completing his sentence, Francis’ community service will include both producing those cute videos of kitties and puppies that your grandma is always forwarding to you over email and having the crap kicked out of him by every older brother and male cousin ever born.

Joe Francis, Girls Gone Wild, contempt of court, douchebag

U.S Magazine is reporting that Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee were seen having a family lunch with their two sons this week. Upon seeing the picture accompanying the article most everyone in the world rolled their eyes, shuddered, and contemplated showering.

“I’m happy for them, I guess,” said one patron of a Salt Lake City Walgreens who was seen buying a copy of the magazine. “But I am kind of glad my doctor just put me on penicillin for this ear infection. I sort of feel like I might have caught something from that picture.”

“I guess he doesn’t care that she was in that Borat movie like that dickhead, Kid Rock,” said another patron who was flipping through the magazine at his dentist’s office. “That was a good movie. Borat is the bomb.”

Several Hollywood douchebags are reportedly rushing to be the first to pitch the inevitable reality show starring Lee and Anderson, likely to air in the fall on the Reality Show Network.

Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson, Kid Rock, Borat

Rapper /mogul Jay-Z has entered into a deal to sell his popular hip-hop line of clothing Rocawear to Iconix Brand Group for a reported 205 million dollars. However what if as part of the deal, Jay-Z’s girlfriend and current Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover girl, Beyonce Knowles was to be the new spokes model for one of Iconix’s most popular brands, London Fog?

A slight departure from the Champs-Élysées set, London Fog is commonly sold at Marshall’s Department stores and sometimes at Sears along with other discount brands. Beyonce’s campaign for London Fog would probably be shot in Angle Inlet, Minnesota, the northern-most city in the continental United States.

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Far from the glamour of the recent Sports Illustrated Shoot in, Key Biscayne, Florida, Beyonce would be happy to be far from the media glitz of Jennifer Hudson and her string of awards but might have to prepare by not going for her usual bi-weekly wax. Calls to the Beyonce – Jay-Z camp have gone unanswered but we can only speculate she wants to protect the future of Destiny’s Child by growing a garden for it to flourish.

Beyonce, Jay-Z, Rocawear

So every year I watch the Academy Awards, and every year when they are over I wonder why I bother. But this year I decided to find a reason to watch … and this year was for the fashion! Why? Because I don’t care about fashion. My nicest clothes came from Eddie Bauer. I only know about Prada from that movie with Meryl Streep and I thought Dolce and Gabbana was some sort of cheese. Here’s my thoughts on Oscar fashion!

Let’s start with Ellen Degeneres, the host:

I admire her for wearing what she likes and not caving to pressure to wear an evening gown. (I remember she did that years ago — I think when she hosted the Grammy Awards — and thinking she looked more awkward than me at my Junior Prom.) But her first suit? Red velvet? At first I thought it was just the jacket and I though it was kind of cool, but then I realized it was the pants too! And you can’t see them in this picture, but she was wearing shiny white shoes as well. (Think of the shoes featured in National Lampoon’s Vacation.) What the F, Ellen?

Next we have Cameron Diaz:

What the hell sort of dress is that? It looks like the curtains from her room at the Marriott fell onto her while she she and Drew Barrymore were sleeping off that pot bender and she just rolled out of bed and got into the limo. And hey, I’m all for a fling to help get over a failed relationship, but she could have at least washed off the filthy film from that surfer she was boinking after Justin dumped her before attending Hollywood’s Biggest Night of the Goddamn Year. What the F, Cameron Diaz?

How about Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson?

Beyonce looks good and Jennifer Hudson looks damn good but Jennifer’s breasts are clearly rising to the occasion and Beyonce’s just look like they are trying to crawl away and go have a rum and Coke with Helen Mirren.

Nicole Kidman’s dress made her look like a Christmas present, and not in the good way. And it looks like even her hair is botoxed. Clearly she is still bitter because she had to talk to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. What the F, Nicole?

Or maybe she had just run into Tom Cruise.

Clearly, Scientology doesn’t do much to help with thinning hair. Yeah, I said it.

Philip Seymour Hoffman apparently has been combing his hair with, uh, an imaginary comb. Or perhaps he skipped the comb altogether in favor of the bar. You’d have to be drunk to present the Best Actress Award to Helen F’n Mirren (her professional name, by the way) with hair like that. What the F, Philip Seymour Hoffman?

Melissa Etheridge managed to out-dyke Ellen by wearing something she borrowed from David Copperfield’s closet. I kept expecting her to pull a rabbit out of her pocket or perhaps make Jack Nicholson disappear.

And I leave you with Jodie Foster, who’s dress makes her look as washed out as her career seems to be. What the F, Jodie Foster?

NASA reported Monday that Scarlett Johansson’s filthy film is now visible to the naked eye. Previously the film (commonly known as Scaskanktous Triganosis) was only detectable by powerful Hubble-based technology. However her recent public breakup with Josh Hartnett, hook-up with Justin Timberlake, and reports that Jenna Jamison wants Johansson to play her in a biopic, have caused the film to flourish.

Barley detectible in Ghost World, Girl with Pearl Earring and Lost in Translation, Johansson’s FF became clearly visible around the filming of Black Dahlia. However some experts argue traces of it are apparent as far back in her role in 1997’s Home Alone 3.

Devoted followers of Sco-Joh’s filthy film have been exstatic from the past week’s activity. “Oh it’s just been delightful,� remarked one enthusiast. “ She was bumping and grinding with Justin in Miami and then she shows up to the Grammys looking like an extra from a Bobby Brown video. Very exciting stuff!�

Despite its current visibility, NASA predicts the film might disappear soon for an undisclosed amount of time. This is due to Johansson’s upcoming roles in the The Nanny Diaries and a pair of period pieces.

“Yeah, nothing causes filthy film to retreat faster than portraying Mary Queen of Scots in a politically driven bio-pic,� reported one FF watcher. “But there’s always the chance she’ll befriend Paris Hilton. And nothing brings filthy film quicker than that.�