Trashy Celebs

We live in a society where every little thing celebrities do, say, think and apparently expel from their bodies is reported on Ad nauseam. Take Kelly Clarkson for instance. Kelly is kind of nastified and isn’t afraid to admit it.

In a new interview, the American Idol winner admits to both peeing in the shower and checking the tissue to see what color her snot is. Tasty, so does that mean Little Ms. Independent has a lil’ bit of incontinence? Sorry, low blow.

So how did this bit of info come up? We have Blender magazine to thank because for some reason, they quizzed Kelly on whether she feels that washing and urinating are best done separately, she told them: “Anybody who says they don’t [pee in the shower] is lying.”

And on the sticky subject of boogers she muses, “I mean, if you have a cold, you have to check, to see how sick you are.” Ok, we’ll giver her that.

According to Kelly, the over sharing is all part of her special charm. “It’s not like people look at me as unattainable, some kind of star like that,” she told the April issue of the magazine. “People love the ‘real’ factor that’s involved, I think.” Yes Kelly that is keeping it real, real gross.

Be sure to watch out for Kelly’s new album hitting stores next week featuring the singles Since you’ve been gone I’ve been wiping boogers on the couch, The Trouble with Love is it’s hard to find someone to pop your backne and Because of you I can Poop in public.

Oh good lord, who didn’t see this one coming? The New York Post is reporting that Amy Fisher is hitting the pole. If you weren’t paying much attention to anything in 1992, Amy is also known as the “Long Island Lolita” who went to prison for shooting her gross auto mechanic boyfriend’s wife, Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the head.

Capitalizing on her slutastic self, Amy has recently started a porn Web site featuring her 34 year old lady lumps, and- plans to tour the country as a high-paid stripper. Sez Amy, “I love to dance, and I’m an exhibitionist. I am going to take this road until my fans tell me, ‘Dear, please put your clothes back on. You’re too old.’ ”

Uh, I think everyone is saying that right now. When I first heard about this, I thought about all those awesome made for TV movies that came out around the time of the trial. It seemed every network and not just FOX felt the need to create a dramatic reenactment of these Long Island Hoosier’s stories.

I don’t think I watched one all the way through since I was too busy fermenting fruit in grain alcohol and Hawiian Punch in my dorm room at the time, but I do remember Saturday Night Live doing an awesome parody of the whole thing. Throughout the show, SNL showed how different networks would depict the story. I remember one had Tori Spelling as Amy Fisher with Danny Devito as Joey Buttafuoco. But the very best one of the night was B.E.T’s version called Amy Fisher: One Messed up Bitch. Check it below, Chris Rock makes and awesome Mary Jo (I have no idea why whoever posted this on you tube felt the need to tack on a Knots Landing ad but whatevs). btw, I couldn’t embed, so click the image to see it.

We’re surprised it’s Stamos who’s behind this but the cast of the sitcom Full House will be reuniting. (We use the word sitcom loosely, to put both 30 Rock and Full House in the same category is just wrong). Apparently the same cast, will be included, the show will just take place years later. We should hope so because no one wants to see the Olsen twins in diapers anymore…well anymore than usual.

Says evangelical hottie Candace Cameron-Bure, “John has been working on a semi-remake of “Full House … I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women.”

So we wonder if this will reflect real life events where Stephanie is a twice-divorced meth-head, and DJ is a born-again Christian?

Full house which ran from 1987 to 1995 also included the mullety goodness of members Bob Saget, John Stamos, and Davie Coulier. (maybe Alanis Morissette can make an appearance as Coulier’s jilted ex lover).

I think even as a kid I knew that Full House was kind of a Three Men and a Baby rip-off which was already of rip off of a French movie Trois hommes et un couffin (Three Men and a Cradle). But I gotta say that much of a train wreck would totally make me Jizz in my Pants.

And yes, while this entry is totally true it also did serve as a nice set-up so I could post the Jizz in my Pants video. SNL digital shorts just keep the funny rolling.

What is it about smelly celebrities that fascinates the entertainment media so much? I mean, I guess it has something to do with how the media likes to on one had make celebrities out as superhuman and better than the rest of us mere smelly mortals and then on the other hand, likes to knock those celebrities right off the pedestal they put them on in the first place. Brad Pitt is gorgeous and a nice guy and does a lot for charity! Oh, and he smells! Zack Efron is a super cute teen idol and in the most successful Disney franchise! He also doesn’t wash up after he plays basketball!

And the Pretty Woman herself, Julia Roberts? Apparently the ubiquitous “former employee” is reporting that the actress and mother of three frequently goes “long periods” without taking a shower. ZOMG! A celebrity that stinks! That makes me feel so much better about myself! Sheesh. Next the media will be telling us which celebrities have smelly dogs, cars that smell like french fries, breath that smells like coffee and cigarettes, and shoes that smell like expensive cheese.

Nothing all that trashy about this clip. Anderson Cooper suits up and swims a lap with Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps. They are both a couple of cuties and it looks like after this was shot they played some water volleyball or maybe a rousing game of Marco Polo. Marco? Polo!

In slightly more trashy Michael Phelps news, the swimmer apparently took his new girlfriend home to Baltimore this past Thanksgiving to meet the family. What’s trashy about that? Well, nothing, unless you consider that she is a cocktail waitress and topless model that he met while improving his poker game in Las Vegas. Again, not really all that trashy …. I mean, someone has to serve the drinks and pose for naked pictures, right? But having a cocktail waitress girlfriend just seems to go way against the clean cut all-American image Mr. Phelps seems to have developed. Or perhaps that the media has developed for him. I mean, maybe his goal all along was to win the World Series of Poker and date a girl with lots of tattoos and the whole Olympic athlete thing was just a means to an end. Could be. Or maybe his guest cameo on the season finale of Entourage somehow affected his douchyness filter. (And for the record, I do not watch Entourage on purpose. Trashy Talker Amy does — DVRs it, even — and sometimes I am just in the same room when it is on.)

But whatever, I’m sure not as many people care now about who the Human Fish is dating now as cared a few months back. In another few months it will be “Michael Who?” until four years from now at the next Olympic games. Until then, why shouldn’t he do everything he can to stay in the media. Or do be a slightly douchy but rich young man in his early 20s. Party on, Phelps.

Need to skank your place up a bit? Going for a porn star them with your current redecorating projects? Looking for a truly unique gift for the porn fan in your life? Well hop on over to ebay then, and make a bid on Jena Jameson’s silk Armani couch. A bargain at $9,500 (and free shipping!)

I guess anyone who doesn’t keep his or her couch covered in those grandma-plastic things has a couch that is potentially dirty. I mean, the couch I am sitting on right now is covered in dog and cat hair, and has had anything from coffee to beer spilled on it. Not to mention it lately has seemed to be the place the dog has chosen to vomit over the past few months. Put poor Jenna Jameson may have trouble selling her fancy Armani couch just because of all the inevitable body fluid jokes. But hey, if that couch doesn’t sell on ebay, Jenna can always list it on the “free” section of Craigslist.

Besides your mom. Well that I know of. Crazy-eyed actor Gary Busey admitted to a low, low point in his life when he when he found himself snorting cocaine off his dog.

Busey who claims he has been sober for 13 years, couldn’t help himself when his dog got into stash and rolled in a supply of the drug. So what’s a bat-shit crazy dude to do? Well according to Access Hollywood, Busey “went in like a cropduster with my nose flying first and snorted the cocaine off the dog.”

But he got more than he bargained for: “You get a little bugs, you get little hairs, you get grease and goo from the ground; it’s not at all a healthy thing to do. But when you’re an addict, you don’t think of health, you think about destruction of yourself unconsciously.” Ew.

So now that the doggie nose candy event is out in the open, it begs the question “What else had Gary Busey snorted coke off of?” Lucky for you we just happen to have a list.

-Gary Sinise. In an attempt to align their Garyness chi, some crazy shit went down.

-A giant Mayor McCheese on a McDonalds Playland in Missoula, Montana. Because why not?

-His own wiener. This led to a stint in rehab and a stint in physical therapy

-A beta tape of DC Cab.

-Ryan Seacrest’s interview with Jennifer Garner and Laura Linney.

-The gerbil from those Richard Gere rumors.

-A fleeting assemblance of sanity.

-His cat.

So after a day of watching football and drinking our weight in mimosas our brains are kind of numb. So in lieu of actually writing an entry we figured we’d do a sort of live blog of the MTV Video Music Awards. These awards don’t really require a ton of brain cells or sobriety to report on so let’s get it on.

7:38 - The preshow is on but I’m hungry so Thai food has won out. Good thing my DVR let’s me pause this crap.

8:00 - Brit- Brit is opening and thankfully she’s not performing. But unfortunately it’s a prerecorded skit with Jonah Hill that is bringing back unpleasant memories of 10th grade for me.

8:03 - Thankfully that’s over and it looks like the VMA’s are coming to us from a high school gym. Much better than the big arenas of before….That is until a Mad Max inspired clan of Zombies come out holding glowing pool noodles dancing to the musical stylings of Rhianna.

8:09- Our host is Russell Brand. Am I that out of touch that I have no idea who that is? Ok, it’s some random Brit with bad hair that likes to yell when he speaks. I’m already irritated I have a feeling live blog will be watched on fast-forward.

8:10 - Ok, this dude has assured us that he’s famous in the UK so I guess I’m not so out of touch that MTV didn’t feel the need to explain this choice to me. Oh and he comes out supporting Obama, edgy MTV although he seems kind of drunk.

8:15 - Jamie Foxx comes out and rambles on for what seems like forever. He’s announcing best female video and it goes to first time winner Britney Spears. That was neither planted nor calculated.

8:27 - Wow ladies and gents announcing the oldest woman at this year’s VMA’s Demi Moore wearing an outfit totally inappropriate for her. Best Male Video goes to Chris Brown. The only reason we know him is because we think he’s nailing Rihanna.

8:30 Hey look Taylor Swift is announcing the Jonas Brothers brothers. Hey look our DVR has a fast forward button. But before we fast forward this is performance is like Sesame Street had gay sex with Avenue Q and didn’t use a condom.

8:41 - Michael Phelps would so much rather be at the Raven’s game than here.

8:47 - Lindsay Lohan reads her cue card really fast because Samantha Ronson is waiting in the car.

8:52 You know what? I decided I’m way too old to even be watching this. In fact I’m getting a rash peace out. More power to you if you watched the rest of this crap.

SOMEbody may have made this up, but it wasn’t me. I mean, I have, on occasion, been told that I have a sick and twisted sense of humor, but even my mind wouldn’t have come up with this one. Even my mind after I have watched a Jackass marathon and a John Waters film festival. Never never. Never.

People. People! PEOPLE! Are you ready for this? Are you ready? You probably aren’t ready for this, but I have to tell you anyway. The Mirror is reporting that the King of (Skeevy) Pop, Michael Jackson, is dating the Queen of (Skeevy) Short-Term relationships, Pamela Anderson. Yes! You heard me! YES! Michael Jackson and Pamela Anderson? WTF?????

Does that not make you want to take a shower? Scrub really hard with lots of hot water? I mean, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee were kind of gross because of that sex tape that got “stolen” and released, because, ew! And then she was married to Kid Rock for like 15 minutes (and in multiple weddings, like they were on some sort of wedding tour), and he was a huge douche and divorced her because she was in Borat. And then there was that seven minute marriage to Rick Salomon, Paris Hilton’s sloppy seconds. But Michael Jackson? For real? I mean, Tommy Lee is covered in tats and both he and Kid Rock look like they shower maybe once every couple of weeks. But Michael Jackson has the sort of filthy film that doesn’t wash off.

Well the big sister/godmother/auntie/mama bear that lives inside of me sure came screaming out when I saw THIS video clip from a Jesse McCartney concert. WTF??? I am ready to grab that microphone and smack him upside his head. Just watch and see if YOU aren’t shocked and outraged as well.

Okay, so I don’t know just how old that girl is, but I do know that she is NOT EIGHTEEN. She is YOUNGER than EIGHTEEN and while I have no problem with young Mr. McCartney bringing a fan onstage and singing to her (it’s sweet in theory, really) I do have a problem with him getting ALL UP ON HER JOCK like that. There should be an invisible BUBBLE there on that stage, Mr. McCartney, safely surrounding that girl, and you should stay well out of it. She has her dance space, and you have yours. You are not Janet Jackson

You sing her the song, from at least five feet away. Then you give her some flowers and a quick, platonic hug, MAYBE a kiss on the check. Then security hustles her offstage to where her mother and VERY LARGE MUSCULAR father are waiting and she promptly texts all her friends to tell them what just happened. You do not give her a lingering hug which leads to her RUBBING YOUR BACK onstage in front of a gazillion other tweens who now want to RUB AN ADULT GROWN MAN’s back as well. WRONG WRONG WRONG. I used to approve of my nieces listening to your music and thinking you were cute but now I am glad that they are OVER YOU because that means I won’t have to attend one of your concerts with them toting a BASEBALL BAT.

Why yes, I am known as the overprotective auntie amongst my friends kids. Why do you ask?

More Disney controversy! Vanessa Hudgens may have been labeled a dirty girl for those naked photos that landed on the internet some time last year, but it seems like pretty-boy Zac Efron is a dirty boy for reals. According to the ever reliable Star Magazine pretty Mr. Efron doesn’t so much go for the showering, or the use of traditional basic hygienic materials like soap or shampoo.

Pretty boy Zac Efron is a guy who prides himself on his good looks. But the High School Musical actor does not bother so much with personal hygiene!

“Zac isn’t a big fan of showering,” a set insider tells Star.

The 20-year-old heartthrob even admitted to friends that he often goes days without washing thoroughly.

“It’s so gross, because Zac loves to work out and plays basketball all the time — and then goes days without showering. When he gets lazy, he likes to clean himself with baby wipes!”

Wonder what gal pal Vanessa Hudgens thinks about that.

Well. Well. I just ……. DAMN. Baby wipes? Baby wipes? Zac, those are for babies, who tend not to work out and spend lots of time playing basketball and sweating like bloody fools. You are ultra-popular amongst the tween set (I should know, I have nieces in your demographic) and I have heard those kids yell “EW GROSS!” at the slightest notice of something funky or foul. (Most recently it was “ew! elephant poop!” when we got within about one mile of the zoo.) And you don’t want to alienate all those girls who get their parents to buy the DVDs and the CDs and the magazines and the movie tickets, so TAKE A DAMN SHOWER ALREADY. And stay away from Axe Body Spray.

Zac Efron, High School Musical, Axe Body Spray

So remember back years and years ago, when Roseanne had a television show that hadn’t yet started to suck? And it was in the early says of said show, when her character, also named Roseanne, worked in a plastics factory? And remember she had a boss at the factory who ended up dating her sister Jackie? And remember that said boss was played by one dashing Mr. George Clooney?

Roseanne Barr propositioned Hollywood star George Clooney the very first time they met on the set of her hit sitcom. Clooney appeared in eleven episodes of Roseanne, from 1988 to 1991 - one of his first major acting roles.
And nothing could prepare the 27-year-old for his first encounter with the larger-than-life star of the show.
The Oscar winner reveals, “I worked on her first series, and when I met her she said, ‘You’re really good looking, why don’t you take me out behind the stage and make me stink.’”

I remember George Clooney from back in those days and he wasn’t quite the debonair gentleman he is now. In fact, I remember that on his stint on Roseanne as well as his time on the 30-minute sitcom ER and his time as “George” (stretch!) on The Facts of Life he was rockin’ the curly mullet.

Hard to believe that he went on to appear in such movies as The Perfect Storm, Syriana and Good Night, and Good Luck. And I’m positive we can all be sure that he did not take Roseanne on her offer. I sure hope so anyway, because my grandma is enamored of Mr. Clooney and I don’t want my classy Grandma placed in the same category as someone who would say “make me stink.” Besides, I don’t think Mr. Clooney ever makes anyone stink. I mean, he looks like he smells really good, like expensive shampoo or fabric softener or Ivory soap or apple pie. Or really good like these fresh peaches I bought at the grocery store tonight, but totally in a manly sort of way.

George Clooney, Roseanne, The Perfect Storm, Syriana, Good Night and Good Luck

Seriously, I’m worried.

Could someone get her a sandwich? And some shampoo? And possibly a tetanus shot? But mostly the sandwich because look at the poor skinny girl trying to eat a microphone:

Maybe bring her a nice healthy salad as well or maybe an apple or some edamame. And a glass of milk. And a bowl of soup. And some potato chips because I have a feeling she needs the salt. Then get her to take a nice hot shower and bundle up on a big fluffy robe and eat some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Then take a nice long nap.

OH NO! WE ARE TOO LATE!

Juliette Lewis

Wow, it’s only Monday and we’ve already hit a big shut the F word wash your mouth out with soap moment. As you probably know by now, there’s a huge stink going around because Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana showed a little back for Vanity Fair. Here’s the pic.

source
Ok, not the usual pic we’d see of a 15 year-old, but it’s a lot better than some of the hoochie mama stuff I’ve seen girls wearing at the mall. Plus, freaking Annie Leibovitz shot it. I really don’t think she’d be pulling a Vanessa Hudgens on lil’ Ms. Billy Ray.

According to The Guardian UK when asked about the shot Cyrus said “No, I mean I had a big blanket on. And I thought, this looks pretty and really natural. I think it’s really artsy.” It was only after the pictures were released and some conservative morality crusaders lost their mind did she change her tune. Upon seeing them she said, “I feel so embarrassed. I never intended for this to happen and I apologise to my fans.”

And please don’t burn my CD’s in protest, she added.

Last night in Hollywood a bunch of people who I don’t care about went to a bar I never heard of and were apparently seen being cool. Oh and Kanye West was there, I’ve heard of him. West was at a place called Goa last night at the afer party celebrating his Glow in the Dark tour. Absolut 100 sponsored the party. Hey I drink that, well not the 100 but I do drink Absolut Vanilla, it’s tasty with ginger ale.

Anyway attending the party were some people who are on the Hills, Lauren Conrad and Brody Jenner (I think that show is on MTV). Along for the ride were former Laguna Beach alums Kristin Cavallari and Jason Wahler (I just read that I have no idea who they are and I think Laguna Beach was the theme of my high school prom. Pikesville Class of ‘92 Shout Out!)

Oh and ubiquitous Paris Hilton was there but she attended the opening of our cat’s new litter box so that doesn’t surprise me. Anyway of all the images I found from this event (and there were many) this was the most dochey. Here we see Benji Madden and Paris Hilton, I guess they’re dating or something.

What makes this extra douche-tastic is the fact that there’s not one, not two, not three but five photos of him pointing at her like this. I would post them all but I’m too lazy, trust me on this.

Oh and I did find someone I recognized. Scott Porter was also there. He’s on Friday Night Lights and that show is pretty damn good. Although he still looks like he’s dropping some major D-Bag vibe in this shot.

Must be the fact that he got too close to Wilmer Valderrama.

DDDOOOOUUUUUCCCCCHHHHHHEEEE!