Trashy Celebs

Us folks at Trashy Celebs, well me had a clashing of lives on Saturday as Jordan Knight of New Kids on the Block fame headlined St. Louis Gay Pride. The 14 year-old Amy remembers screaming through a packed arena of hormones as NKOTB pelvic thrusted their way through a back-up track-laced set. However, that was 1988. In 2007, Jordan Knight looks good for his age but was still doing New Kids Songs and performing the same pelvic thrusts with the same amount of fervor.

As I flashed back to the ear-piercing screams of pre-adolescence, I realized I was experiencing the ear-piercing screams of a nearby drag queen. I then wondered why in the world Jordan Knight was in front of me singing Please Don’t Girl at a gay pride event in a mid-sized mid-west town. But then my friend produced another beer for me and I let it go along with my 14 year-old hopes that I would be Mrs. Jordan Knight.

Jordan Knight, New Kids on the Block, NKOTB, St. Louis Gay Pride

TMZ is reporting that (and it pains me to type this, it really does, but I will work through the pain, proving once again that we read the trash so you don’t have to) a few years ago (and TMZ swears this is from an “extremely well-placed source”) Scott Baio apparently knocked boots with Liza Minnelli.

Of course, maybe this is all just a publicity stunt related to his new show on VH-1, Scott Baio is 45 … and Single. According to the show’s synopsis, Baio is in the midst of a midlife crisis and with “nowhere else to turn,” is seeking help from a life-coach. And of course, VH-1 is there to record it all. Set your TiVos, folks. Maybe David Gest will show up as a guest star! (Gest-star? Ha? Nevermind.)

Scott Baio, Liza Minnelli, VH-1, Scott Baio is 45 … and Single, life coach, David Gest

Kanye West, musician, composer and film critic felt MTV was wrong in snubbing Mel Gibson’s violent Mayan drama Apocalypto at Sunday’s Movie Awards. The MTV Movie Awards, known for their cerebral wit, and subtle social commentary do beat closer to the pulse of the nation than a spectacle such as the Oscars.

“My favorite movie this year was ‘Apocalypto,’ and I love Mel Gibson,” said West. “Sometimes I feel a little like Mel Gibson.”

West went on to say that he does enjoy the occasional drunken, misogynistic, religious tyrants, but no more than the average guy.

Winners of the MTV Movie Awards included Best Movie - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, Best Kiss - Will Ferrell & Sacha Baron Cohen, “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” and a shout out to Ms. Cleo with the new category Best Summer Movie You Haven’t Seen Yet, which the Michael Bay directed Transformers won.

Having been around MTV for a few years, West should have known a two and a half hour blood fest without a word of English had no chance up against Pirate sequels and Borat. Get with the program Kanye.

Kanye West, MTV Movie Awards, Borat, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Mel Gibson, Apocalypto, Ms. Cleo, Michael Bay, Transformers

All of celebrity town is fed up with rotating door rehab queen Lindsay Lohan. After crashing her car, getting a DUI, possessing cocaine and going out and getting trashed the next night, Lohan has been daily front-page news. With Lindsay giving rehab another shot on Monday, other kinda famous people are trying their darndest to make some waves as well.

I’ll tumble for ya

Miss USA isn’t the center of the universe but thanks to Ms. Gravity she was the laughing stock of it. Aside from being booed during the Interview portion, thanks Bush Administration, Miss USA Rachel Smith took a nasty fall at the Miss Universe Pagent in Mexico City Monday night.

Said Ms. Gravity, ” I couldn’t let The United States take the shinning moment once again on the world stage. Plus I had a ten spot on Miss Japan to take it to the house.”

Ellen Barkin predicts future Fuggliness for Sco-Jo

Ellen Barkin told Entertainment Weekly that she fears for the future of Scarlett Johansson’s looks because she doesn’t think the actress will age well.

Barkin tells Entertainment Weekly magazine, “I look at that gorgeous little Scarlett Johansson and I think, ‘Oh, my God, what is that girl going to look like when she’s a woman?” When told of Barkin’s comment, Johansson replied “who?”

Britney says Don’t you forget about me

Even good ol’ Britney Spears got in on the wa-wa action yesterday by posting an open letter to her fans explaining her recent actions.

So Lindsay, stay in rehab this time. Reflect on your actions and of course hold back some of the crazy so other celebs don’t feel so left out.

Linsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Ellen Barkin, Miss USA, Scarlett Johansson, Gravity

Taking a moment from the Trashy Celeb gossip to wish a Very Happy Birthday to my girlfriend and partner in Trash Talking, Amy who was pushed from her mother’s vagina 33 years ago today.

Trashy Celebs who share a birthday with Amy include: Joan Collins, Drew Carey, Karen Duffy, Phil Selway (of Radiohead), Matt Flynn (of Maroon 5), Jewel (who lived in a van), Rosemary Clooney, Kelly Monaco, Ken Jennings (who won a bazillion dollars on Jeopardy!), and Marvin Hagler.

Happy Birthday, baby!

Happy Birthday, Celebrity Birthday, Joan Collins, Drew Carey, Karen Duffy, Phil Selway, Radiohead, Matt Flynn, Maroon 5, Jewel, Rosemary Clooney, Kelly Monaco, Ken Jennings, Marvin Hagler

Well, they may try to make him go to rehab but Ty Pennington will just yell
“Welcome home, Johnson Family!” The hunky carpenter with a heart that is apparently bigger than his brain was arrested early Saturday morning in Los Angeles for suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol and drugs. Pennington posted his $5,000 bail and was released and has a court date of June 6. He later issued the following apology.

“I made an error in judgment. We all make mistakes, however this is about accountability. Under no circumstances should anyone consume alcohol while driving. I could have jeopardized the lives of others and I am grateful there was no accident or harm done to anyone. This was my wake-up call. I also want to apologize to my fans, ABC Television and my design team for my lapse in judgment and the embarrassment I have caused.�?

The Trash Talkers suspect, however, that the arrest was just a ploy for Pennington to gain access to the Los Angeles jail system, where he is working on plans to provide the other occupants of the drunk tank with 17 flat screen televisions, two skateboard ramps, themed cells based around currently touring Broadway musicals, and a solarium.

Ty Pennington, DUI, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, ABC Television, Broadway, Rehab, Amy Winehouse

Century Regional Detention Facility plays host to the newly dubbed The Penal Life staring parole violating sweetheart Paris Hilton. For 45 fun-filled days, the hotel heiress will be cozying up to 2200 fellow female felons as she goes through Blackberry, Starbucks and Stoli withdraw.

Sources say there’ll be no Nicole Richie this time around but Paris will share her zany adventures with 27-year-old cellmate Shanisha Johnson of Southeast L.A. Johnson, a former teenage prostitute and petty thief, says she’s looking forward to bonding with Hilton in the small two-person room.

“Yeah, that bitch ain’t in West Hollywood no more,�? said Johnson, “she better not start whining about her jumpsuit neither cause somebody getting cut if I don’t get my beauty rest.�?

The color of the jumpsuit Johnson referred to will be determined according to where she and Hilton are housed. Designed to show off nothing, the four summer-ready colors are blue, brown, white and always stunning, orange.

Cameras will follow Hilton as she goes about her daily routine of cowering in the corner, using her one hour of recreation to shower, exercise or talk on the phone, cowering some more and having long discussions with a face she’s drawn on her left hand.

Filming on The Penal Life begins June 5, when Hilton is scheduled to report to Century Regional. No word yet on whether her Chihuahua, Tinkerbell will be along for the ride.

Paris Hilton, Jail, Tinkerbell, Nicole Richie, Century Regional Detention Facility, Fox

The 2007 Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival was not just a rockin’ good time but an example of what can happen if you have too much of a rockin’ good time. First off Courtney Love…well there’s really no dirt on her but shit! If you push on her spine just right hundreds of grams of illicit drugs go shooting through her body causing her to look like this.

And we hate to keep picking on Drew Barrymore but look at her. You can almost hear the bong percolating.

Dear Perry Farrell, my mom called. She wants her shirt back.

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In other news the folks at Wonderfalls treatment facility will be pleased to see how well rehab is going for Lindsay Lohan. She apparently took the Hot in Here song literally at Fashion Loves Music Coachella after-party. I’m sure Lindsay wasn’t drinking it was just the ecstasy talking that made her display the bags of fun.

So what did we learn this Coachella? Well, we learned not to borrow clothes from Amy’s Mom without asking. We learned to always carry a box of Nutter Butters with us when we smoke up cause they’re so damn good. We learned rehab is for quitters and we learned that Courtney Love apparently has more lives than a pod of cats.

Perry Farrell, Courtney Love, Drew Barrymore, Lindsay Lohan, Coachella Music Festival, Amy’s Mom, Nutter Butters

After his botched handling of a snap that ended the Dallas Cowboy’s season, quarterback Tony Romo has been in a serious funk. The 27 year-old has tried everything from Zoloft to Jack Daniels to a Rosemary Mint Bath while listening to the soothing vocal styling of Jeffrey Osborne. However nothing has been able to lift his spirits until last Saturday night at his 27th birthday celebration in Dallas.

Apparently after sipping champagne from “c’mon everyone knows�? girlfriend, Carrie Underwood, Romo was as giddy as spoiled bitch on My Super Sweet 16. Ghostbar in Dallas was the scene of the seen on display as 2005 American Idol winner did a shit job of squashing the couple rumors, but a great job of impersonating a champagne flute.

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Tony Romo, Jeffrey Osborne, Carrie Underwood, My Super Sweet 16, Dallas Cowboys, Ghostbar

Gravity has struck again, causing embarrassment and skinned knees to not one but two celebrities in recent days. First, Gravity and her entourage (including her proteges Inertia and Momentum) were seen crashing (quite literally) Elton John’s 60th birthday bash in New York City. They were quickly escorted from the party by security, but not before a run in with fashion icon and longtime Elton John friend, Donatella Versace.

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“Oh, hells no!” Gravity said when questioned about the run in with Versace. “I was nowhere near that pile of batshit crazy,” she said, while Inertia and Momentum giggled behind her. “I heard that there is going to be a Versace line of vodka. Girlfriend probably spent too much time testing the product.”

When asked about the incident, Versace only screamed “Get out!” at the departing Gravity and friends, before lighting a cigarette and exiting herself on a stretcher carried by six shirtless gay men.

Gravity and her cohorts disappeared into the night, only to turn up early the next morning, quite hungover and grumpy, on the set of the Today Show where Meredith Vieira was interviewing Will Ferrell, on hand to promote his new movie, Blades of Glory.

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“I didn’t mean to make her fall,” Gravity slurred, sunglasses askew and a Starbucks cup in one hand. “I was just tryin’ to get close enough to touch Will Ferrell’s white guy fro. Ms. Gravity does love her some Will Ferrell, mmmhmmm! Ricky Bobby!” Gravity then fell victim to her own laws, tripping and dropping her coffee as she got into a cab.

Donatella Versace, Elton John, Meredith Vieira, Will Ferrell, Gravity

Apparently, a family of caterpillars has taken up residence on Keith Richards’ upper lip. The two insects were first noticed during Richards’ recent appearance at the 22nd Annual Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony on March 12, 2007. Unsurprisingly, Richards does not appear to have noticed the caterpillars living on his face. What is surprising is that no one seems willing to tell him about the intruders. “Frankly,” one source said, “we fear they might be all that is still holding Keith together, physically.”

Trashy Celebs, fearing for the caterpillars’ health, consulted with an entomologist, who told us that as long as they stay out of the way of his cigarettes and glass of Jack Daniels, he poses no threat to them. Caterpillars, which are primarily herbivores, pose no threat to Richards.

Keith Richards, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, caterpillars

What up Vanity Fair Oscar After Party! Dame Helen F’in Mirren in the Mother Fuckin’ hizzouse tonight! All the other Dames out there throw your hands way up in the air and wave them like you just don’t care. No? Well, where Judy at? Oh that’s right, her wrinkly ass back in London doing theater. She know she won’t win. They nominate her for taking a crap on a cracker. Well Judy there’s a new Dame in town and this bitch won. Hells yeah!

Anyway, I want to thank my bitches Jamie and Vince for keeping the vodka gimlets flowing. Oh and my husband who I forgot to thank on stage. My Bad. Baby, while I got your attention, go get me a phat burger and some Lays potato chips. I gots to get my eat on, okay? I can’t be doin’ Oprah all hung over and shit. She better not be trying to touch my Oscar neither. I smack the black right off her. Hmmm, what’s that? Oh yes, the reason I’m up here. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vanity Fair Oscar after party, may I present Snoop Doggy Dog! HOLLA!

So every year I watch the Academy Awards, and every year when they are over I wonder why I bother. But this year I decided to find a reason to watch … and this year was for the fashion! Why? Because I don’t care about fashion. My nicest clothes came from Eddie Bauer. I only know about Prada from that movie with Meryl Streep and I thought Dolce and Gabbana was some sort of cheese. Here’s my thoughts on Oscar fashion!

Let’s start with Ellen Degeneres, the host:

I admire her for wearing what she likes and not caving to pressure to wear an evening gown. (I remember she did that years ago — I think when she hosted the Grammy Awards — and thinking she looked more awkward than me at my Junior Prom.) But her first suit? Red velvet? At first I thought it was just the jacket and I though it was kind of cool, but then I realized it was the pants too! And you can’t see them in this picture, but she was wearing shiny white shoes as well. (Think of the shoes featured in National Lampoon’s Vacation.) What the F, Ellen?

Next we have Cameron Diaz:

What the hell sort of dress is that? It looks like the curtains from her room at the Marriott fell onto her while she she and Drew Barrymore were sleeping off that pot bender and she just rolled out of bed and got into the limo. And hey, I’m all for a fling to help get over a failed relationship, but she could have at least washed off the filthy film from that surfer she was boinking after Justin dumped her before attending Hollywood’s Biggest Night of the Goddamn Year. What the F, Cameron Diaz?

How about Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson?

Beyonce looks good and Jennifer Hudson looks damn good but Jennifer’s breasts are clearly rising to the occasion and Beyonce’s just look like they are trying to crawl away and go have a rum and Coke with Helen Mirren.

Nicole Kidman’s dress made her look like a Christmas present, and not in the good way. And it looks like even her hair is botoxed. Clearly she is still bitter because she had to talk to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. What the F, Nicole?

Or maybe she had just run into Tom Cruise.

Clearly, Scientology doesn’t do much to help with thinning hair. Yeah, I said it.

Philip Seymour Hoffman apparently has been combing his hair with, uh, an imaginary comb. Or perhaps he skipped the comb altogether in favor of the bar. You’d have to be drunk to present the Best Actress Award to Helen F’n Mirren (her professional name, by the way) with hair like that. What the F, Philip Seymour Hoffman?

Melissa Etheridge managed to out-dyke Ellen by wearing something she borrowed from David Copperfield’s closet. I kept expecting her to pull a rabbit out of her pocket or perhaps make Jack Nicholson disappear.

And I leave you with Jodie Foster, who’s dress makes her look as washed out as her career seems to be. What the F, Jodie Foster?

Bill Cosby’s award winning Dandie Dinmont terrier, Hobergays Fineus Fogg has been on a self-destructive bender after losing the Westminster Kennel Club dog show Tuesday night. Known just as “Harry�? to close friends and everyone else who thinks Hobergays Fineus Fogg sounds like a gay porn, the little dog has been partying big throughout NYC hotspots.

In just two nights Harry has been seen doing body shots off of Britney Spears at Marquee, slamming buttery nipples with Jake Gyllenhaal at Blue Fin, and having his way with Nicole Richie’s handbag while she was passed out in an alley on Little West 12th street.

When asked to comment on his puffy pooch’s purported partying ways, Mr. Cosby said, “you see the kids love da jeeello pudding popps and sooometimes they eat too many, see and get a little crazy!�? Mr. Cosby then rolled his eyes up into his head and looked left.

Trashy Celebs tracked Harry down early this morning where he, Kirsten Dunst and Fabrizio Moretti were smoking Lucky Strikes and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon at a dive bar in the east village. “Listen, you can tell Bill that I’m not his bitch, bitch,�? Harry slurred. “I do what I want. I see who I want. And I (expletive) who I want! He doesn’t own me.�? TC pointed out to Harry that Bill Cosby does in fact own him, but he was busy shaking hands with another patron before playing dead.

ring, ring. ring, ring. ring, ring.

beeeeeeep.

Source.

Hello? Hello? Alec? Hello? C’mon Alec, pick up! I know you must be home, it’s 3AM! C’mon! Alec! Look, I know you said not to call you anymore, but Billy and Steve won’t pick up either. I need you to come pick me up. I’m in …. Detroit? I think? Yeah, Detroit. I heard something from my lawyer about a “warrant” but I don’t think that he was talking about the rock group, ha ha! Alec? C’mon, pick up. I need a ride.

Okay, so I did take the car. But I didn’t steal it! I just borrowed it for a little while. I had to, you know, um, return some movies to Blockbuster. In Detroit! Yeah! I think. You know how those late fees can add up, too, epecially since you won’t help me out with them. I know that’s your voiceover on the commercials, bro. And I have a $78 late fee on Hero.

Look, I know you are wildly successful and incredibly funny on your new show 30 Rock and that you have your own problems with crazy exes, but c’mon, help me out. I’m your brother. Please? Pick me up? I’m at Burger King Express. I think. Thanks, bro. Please?

Oh, and when you come pick me up, please bring a bottle of Jack Daniels, a bag of oranges, and a plunger. Thanks.

Click.

ring, ring.

beeeeep.

Oh, one more thing, brother. Did you talk to Tina Fey like I asked you to? Dude, I know she’s married and all, but if she’d just get to know me, I know it could work out. Please, dude, just give her my number.